Work relationship that didn't go bad but ended.

[nikos2012]

Some advice on the way forward?

 

Had a friendly relationship with a woman at work, turned into something more over the space of two months, like-minded, physically compatible, interested in the same things, good music, literature, culture. Were seeing each other for two months, pretty regularly, plus smoke breaks, crossword sharing at work etc. Great evenings out, cooking dinner etc, texting about how much fun we'd had.

 

Then she breaks up with me the day before Christmas holidays.Spend Christmas apart but still communicating almost daily (both abroad in separate countries)

 

So back in the UK in Jan, few chats about the relationship. She was freaked out about the intimacy, the emotions, how well we'd got on together. The relationship failed through its own success!

 

So two hellish weeks at work, ignoring each other, tensions, sleeplessness etc. Then a bit more contact, few emails, texts, smoke breaks. But every time we do, we fall back into the relaxed 'close' relationship again. Then both back of for two days or so. It seems the connection is still strongly there. When we contact it just makes me feel the same as I felt when we were seeing each other, but then we 'bounce' away again. It's better than the early ignoring and tension, but just prolonging the agony especially when I know she obviously feels the same way, but just accept it or commit. We really can;t avoid each other at work (though don;t work in the same office) but this just causes as much pain as not seeing her.

 

Help, what can I do?

[pl3asehelp]

Did you agree with her that you guys should break up when you did? Do you want to get back together?

[nikos2012]

I was shocked that she wanted to break up, especially as it was after probably the best night out we'd had and she agreed that something changed that night, and there was a closer connection. That's what freaked her out! I'd love to get back together and I've let her know that but not going to push things and make an enemy. I'm not sure if it's best to stay friends and perhaps hope that we get closer again. Or maybe back away and a) let her miss the friendship or b) I get over her

[pl3asehelp]

I personally don't think you can EVER go back to being friends after you've had a relationship - that one of the 2 people has to pretend, live a lie, suppress their feelings,etc.

 

Since you want to get back together I think you have only 1 option. Tell her you want to be with her and if that's not what she wants, then you have to break all contact with her so you can heal and move on. Then stick to it. I know you work together, but you can limit your interaction to almost nothing there and never contact her outside of work.

[nikos2012]

Yes, you may be right. But she's started contacted me minimally outside work. Trying not to read to much into that.

 

I've been friends with quite a large number of ex's. I prefer not to get bitter and dismiss the whole set of experiences with them. But then I never actually had an ex do something evil - eg chaeting on me, more that life was moving in different directions, so I never felt bitter

[pl3asehelp]

Yes, you may be right. But she's started contacted me minimally outside work. Trying not to read to much into that.

 

I've been friends with quite a large number of ex's. I prefer not to get bitter and dismiss the whole set of experiences with them. But then I never actually had an ex do something evil - eg chaeting on me, more that life was moving in different directions, so I never felt bitter

 

It's not about being bitter. It's about you having feelings for her and as long as she's in your life, but at arms length and not willing to date you, your love life is on hold and completely dependent on her. If you can stay friends with he and still go out and get laid and your feelings for her still remain and she doesn't mind, then maybe it's doable, but otherwise I don't think staying in touch is good for you or going to get you back together any sooner, if at all.

[nikos2012]

Thanks for the advice. I decided to completely resist from contacting her unless necessarily work related. Hmm, she did post on my FB page last night tho. But I know she's not going to want to get back together. The more I keep friendly, the more she's gonna think I'm OK with it all now.