Casmut Posted February 8, 2012 Share Posted February 8, 2012 Hey all, I haven't been on ENA in awhile, I'll try to be as brief as possible. My gf and i got together in 2008, things were amazing until she got a job that had her traveling. Eventually her job sent her to the west coast(we were on the east coast), which ultimately resulted in our break up in early 2009. We went NC right away and didn't talk until November 2009, up until May 2010 I was trying to see if we could get back together, she lead me on and nothing came to it and once again I was devastated that we once again lost contact. July 2010, we start talking again despite what i have gone through with her, we talk everything seems nice and on the road to reconciliation until October 2010 when she begins to ignore me completely. Finally having enough of it i threw my arms up and told her how i felt and that i wouldn't speak with her again. From October 2010 till around February 2011, I was basically free of her and i felt so good that i forgot how that feeling felt in general because i only knew the torment she put me through. She then contacts me via email simply saying "hello". Being super fearful of what may happening if i replied to it, i ignored it for a week until she followed it up with a second email. After much contemplation i decide to respond with a simple "hi" and it went from there. We start talking more, i explain to her how i really feel and i open up completely in a negative and angry way..i had to let it out. She tells me how much she misses me and how i am the only one shes ever had true feelings for, promising me she has changed and that her work life does not effect her like it used to. She claimed to be in a bad place and that she wasn't being herself, she wanted to give our relationship a second chance. Before i could allow anything to happen i made sure we opened up what went on in the past 2 years prior to us getting back together. From November 2009 to May 2010, she was dating someone the whole time. When she stopped talking to me in October she met someone new. When they split she came back to me...even after learning of this i saw past it but it bothered the hell outta me. With the history lesson out of the way, here is the main point. Part of these "changes" she claims was a major deal. That would be her moving back home so we could be together. Realizing that this process can take awhile I decide to go with it and see what happens. Turns out she didn't change at all. Her toxic personality is still around as its much worse, she lets her job control her life and has no time to do anything let alone even deal with me. She leaves me hanging on many occasions and i have trouble setting up times to visit because i have to work it around her job. I don't want this to get longer than it has to be but here it is. Its been nearly a year since we got back together, nothing has changed in our relationship besides the fact that i am far less caring and loving than i used to be. She has intentions on moving back but when the topic arises she gets real angry and doesn't want to talk about it. She goes on fits of rage about how shes in debt, needs her job and gets OVERLY worried about very little things. The same thing happens when i bring up the topic of visiting, first of all the very mention of it leads her to get really angry. She then starts going on about her job and can't guarantee anything. She doesn't put our relationship or anything else above her job. I understand we all have to pay bills, but her job rules her life because she allows it! She never talks about the move or visiting and only talks about how she wants to be more social with her friends. She doesn't seem to worry at all about where our relationship is headed. I don't know if i want to continue being in this vicious circle, its an endless loop that i don't see leading anywhere. I am getting old, and i have reached the point and have accepted the fact that i don't see a future with her. If you're thinking why don't i go move to where shes at, i could do that but it won't change a thing. Her job controls everything and i am tired of it. I love her, but my feelings towards her have almost completely diminished. This has been an ongoing thing for quite some time. I used to think getting back together with her is all i wanted, turns out it only brings back misery. I want to be happy again, and i found that happiness when i wasn't in contact with her. Link to comment
tattoobunnie Posted February 8, 2012 Share Posted February 8, 2012 Hey Babe...how are you!? Take a look again at what you wrote. I think you already know the answer. People treat us the way we let them treat us. And sometimes, we fixate so greatly on our past goal, that when we get it, it isn't what you even needed. Once you learn of a person's true colors, and how they are fundamentally to you, they don't change. She treated you like a convenience. And you let her, by letting her walk back in. And again, nothing changed. You are doing nothing wrong...sometimes, things don't work out. You've tried, but you need a partner...someone who chooses you always. You are their top priority. Good luck. Sorry to hear she's still a stinker. And it's still not you!! It's a dead end relationship. If you want to be happy, love yourself...and by staying with her, you aren't. Link to comment
Casmut Posted February 8, 2012 Author Share Posted February 8, 2012 TATTOO!! Its amazing to hear from you, how are you? Aside from all this, I've been pretty good. I know what i need to do, I just don't know how to go about it and i am also having trouble coming to grips with ending it, even though its the right thing for me. I still think my gf is a great person, she just needs to learn to live more and focus less on her job. The funny thing is, I don't let her get to me in an emotional way..for example, back then when she would get upset with me or what not i took it as something i did wrong and kicked myself for it, then i'd be super nice to her and so on. She gets mad over something i find important, like visiting or moving in. Now i simply don't care and tend to shrug it off since I believe i've reached my limit, I even sometimes dread talking to her because i know there won't be any good news to come out of it. Only about her job.. It sucks to say these things, she really is a wonderful person when shes not working.. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted February 8, 2012 Share Posted February 8, 2012 Hey Casmut! How are you doing buddy? I said it two years ago, but I don't think it was well-received (lol) that eventually your well will run dry with thi girl and you will just move on. It's exausting after a while isn't it? Link to comment
tattoobunnie Posted February 8, 2012 Share Posted February 8, 2012 People can have the crapiest job in the planet, or one that drives you crazy, batty, or makes you wanna throw things...but it doesn't mean these people choose their job over their partners any day of the week. You have to realize, this is it. This is her. This is how she chooses to be. At this point, she can switch her job, but she'll wind up taking the same feelings and reactions into the next one, and next one. I know it's hard...it was a dream of yours to be with her, and you built up a future together, but I know you want more...just realize it totally is out there. I'm doing great! I got married a bit ago to an awesome human being, and we're due with a boy at the end of March! Link to comment
pl3asehelp Posted February 8, 2012 Share Posted February 8, 2012 She sounds really selfish and I think she's just using you for emotional support and to fill a void. You could be anybody - she doesn't care, you're just filling a space. She is the only thing that matters to her. Sounds like you're on the right track - diminishing feelings, then break up with her. Just tell her you want to be with someone who's priorities are life and love, not work. She'll counter this with the 'ok, i'll change', but you know now from experience with her that's not going to happen so it should be easier telling her no. Link to comment
Casmut Posted February 8, 2012 Author Share Posted February 8, 2012 Darcy! Great to see you as well, its a good feeling to see my ol ENA buddies. How have you been? Hope all is well! I've always taken your advice into great consideration and you have been always been a great help for which i am very appreciative. Its definitely exhausting, I have had a great deal of patience but met with very little. I tried all kinds of things to make her even remotely happy and it just goes back to her job being a burden. Never thought of it that way Tattoo, but you're right. If her ways haven't changed from back then, they aren't going to change in the future. 4 years of my life seem kind of wasted on this, the things we do for love eh? Its funny, as much as it somewhat bothers me to bring it to an end, i am not exactly beating myself up either. A friend of mine who has talked me through a lot of the issue has assured me things will be fine, my response to that was "oh i know! for some reason i see good things happening, my gut tells me so." I am optimistic, yet disappointed if that makes any sense? and WOOOW Tat, congratulations! I am very happy to hear that, i like to come on here and read this sort of thing. Amazing, and next month! Indeed, I've been told shes trying to fill that void as well. I have no doubt she has feelings for me, at the same time I don't think she pays a whole lot of mind when it comes to furthering our relationship. I've spent my mid 20s and approaching 30 trying to work things with her, and they have just been a train wreck. I have a hard time being single, funny part is i was happier when i was... Link to comment
Casmut Posted February 9, 2012 Author Share Posted February 9, 2012 I'm not quite sure how to approach her about this.. Link to comment
Casmut Posted February 9, 2012 Author Share Posted February 9, 2012 How should i approach this? Link to comment
tattoobunnie Posted February 9, 2012 Share Posted February 9, 2012 Well, just like a nasty ol' bandaid...you just gotta rip it off. You've had the big dramatic break-ups already. You don't need another one. Simply say, "it's not going to work out." Then, you let her defend herself, have a fit, or agree, then stop talking to her. She doesn't live anywhere near you, so it's not like she will be banging on your door burning your place down. Just don't back down. Life is too short to waste it on someone who doesn't do their share in the PARTNERSHIP. In fact, do it today. The longer you stick around, the more you tunnel vision, and miss out on someone who could be amazing. But if you even hold onto a shred of her, you won't be able to fully give yourself to someone else. And if she texts, emails, send a letter, ignore it. Just because she sends 20 or 100, doesn't mean anything. It only enables her into thinking that she can get her way if she follows this protocol. If it's an emergency, it's called 911, cuz it's not like you can do anything about it long distance, and she has chosen to not move. She could have the best job in the whole world, and she'd still find a way to sour it. It's one thing if she's treating you with love and making you a top priority in her life. It's another if she acts like she doesn't care...it actually means she doesn't care, and it has nothing to do with her job. My one friend just had a double-masectomy, and almost died and the same day, she still called to thank me for sending her flowers. Meaning...if it's important, and they want to, it is DONE. It's not about courage, or the right words, it's just doing it. Link to comment
Casmut Posted February 9, 2012 Author Share Posted February 9, 2012 Amazing way to put it Tattoo, thank you. I won't back down, this is definitely what i want. I have barely talked to her in the last week, and its been quite nice just not having to deal with her or talk to her. No matter what she does, job wise..she'll never change, this is who she is and always will be. I guess i just clung to that small glimmer of light because when she isn't so attached to her work she's actually quite cool to be around. I doubt she would try to contact me after its done, even if she does i need to be rid of her once and for all, she's walked back into my life way to many times and each times she has turned it upside down. It'll be done, I'll follow up on here when i do it.. I am terribly sorry your friend went through all that, to make that call must have really warmed your heart. You are an incredible person Tattoo, i hope you know that. Link to comment
Tired Tiger Posted February 9, 2012 Share Posted February 9, 2012 Cas! I was wondering where you vanished to. At least you can say you've given it your all. But if it's not working for you at this point, you know what to do... Link to comment
quirky Posted February 9, 2012 Share Posted February 9, 2012 Gawd, I feel for you. Do you feel ready in your heart to exit? Do you know deep down that this is the right thing for you to do? I am asking because you will have to be super strong to not go back, these on/off situations are hard to break away from (speaking from experience). But I believe that when we are brave better things come along. Link to comment
macadamia Posted February 10, 2012 Share Posted February 10, 2012 A camel can close its nostrils in a desert sandstorm. Be the camel and face the storm. Link to comment
Casmut Posted February 10, 2012 Author Share Posted February 10, 2012 TT! How have you been my friend? Great to see you man, hope everything is well with ya. Yeah i kind of slipped away for a bit, nothing bad or anything just got tied up with work and trying to make the most of life. I've done everything, like i can sit here and type up a storm of the things i have done for her in the past year..also don't get me started on the money I've spent. Kinda kicking myself over it, but i tend not to let money get the better of me. I know it in my heart to be the right decision, I have barely talked to her recently and i am feeling fantastic about it. I feel much better being on my own, I learned this last year. I mean I'll meet someone eventually, but now i just need to relax for a few and get myself together. This is no rash decision, i have felt this way since August in what was a turning point for me in our relationship. A fight that basically broke me and since then my feelings for her have declined to the point where it has diminished. We fought a lot but this fight here was just insanity. In one recent scenario, she got mad because i defended myself about something i believed to be correct and right. She refused to agree and went absolutely nutso, she didn't talk to me for 3 days and got so mad about it. Even more mad because of how i reacted in such a non caring and nonchalant way. I found her argument to be laughable and told her if this is the type of thing you're going to get upset over then you're in trouble. I defended my statements in that fight, i still do till this day because i know what shes trying to do. I have slipped so far from her that i am out of reach and uncontrollable, she sees this and is trying to get mad at me so i feel bad. I wasn't buying it. So with that being said, I've faced the storm and this camel is about to spit Link to comment
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