g1llybabes Posted February 8, 2012 Share Posted February 8, 2012 I have posted before on here if you need to catch up with my story please check my previous thread. So after a week of talking every night with 98% of the contact started by him. He actually began the heart to heart. I had mentioned to him that if he didnt want me why was he in contact with me so much as all he was doing was giving me straws to clutch at. He said it wasnt a matter of wanting me or loving me beacause he does. He feels as if I am not ready... he does want me and loves me but does not want all the emotional baggage that comes with a realtionship with me. So he cannot be in a realtionship with someone who is not ready. He said to me that my reactions to things were like a mirror. They were a mirror of all the hurt and pain I had inside from my past and how I had been treated by my huband and others. That my unjusitified and hateful response to him was about that. Nothing to do with us. And he was not going to be used as an emotional sponge for me. I completley understand this and it really made me think and feel even worse about my actions, but I needed it. We talked about all the changes that had happened since he dumped me and he said that someone cannot deal with things over night. Its only been 2 weeks. I however feel that I had been dealing with things for a while with my counselling and that night just triggered it all again with the stress of my divorce and loosing my job. I dont feel as if I have anything else to deal with. Just the chance to put it all into practise. He still wants to keep in contact with me because he does love me. I suppose thats a good thing. I have the chance to show him I am ready. After my nieces funeral I decided to get away for a few days on my own ( I have never done this before on my own) Im in Newquay at the moment In which such time my ex husband is moving out ( we have filed for divorce about 4 weeks ago) Although we have not been together for 2 years we had to live together becuase of financial reasons. But I said to him it was doing neither of us any good. He said he would move out as his parents had a spare room. He refused before and I couldnt move anywhere as my Dad is really sick at the moment and his bed is downstairs in the only spare room they have. I have also cleared some of my friends out who were being very toxic. I also got the job too I start on Monday. So I have lots of things going for me. I feel so much better and can see many of the positives. I do however wonder how long he feels it is before I am ready ( this is just a pondering thought, I dont want to rush anything becuase I respect him and his choice, but how can you tell when somone is ready?).I do not feel like I need to display any of the neediness or insecurities that I did before. I know who I am and I like myself. I have the chance at a new start. If anything I feel more secure about him now than I ever did and we are not even together. Does any one have any tips for me to continue working through my issues as I feel I am ready and really moved on, even though fast. He however does not agree. Im not sure what issues are left to deal with. I suppose in a way him dumping me was for me,to make me see what I had to address and to protect him. But where do I go from here when it comes to him. We talk every day for hours and have a great time. I dont feel as if I have to prove to him that I am ready and got through my issues. As I did before. Just not sure how to progress from here really. I do love him and I want to be with him. But I understand all he has said to me and I respect his choice. Not sure how being in contact with me is helping him in anyway though. Any one have any thoughts. Link to comment
mhowe Posted February 8, 2012 Share Posted February 8, 2012 I completley understand this and it really made me think and feel even worse about my actions, but I needed it. We talked about all the changes that had happened since he dumped me and he said that someone cannot deal with things over night. Its only been 2 weeks. I however feel that I had been dealing with things for a while with my counselling and that night just triggered it all again with the stress of my divorce and loosing my job. I dont feel as if I have anything else to deal with. Just the chance to put it all into practise. Two weeks is no where near long enough for you to have worked through the emotional baggage he speaks of. As you can see --- stress from the divorce and losing your job triggered an emotional torrent towards him. If I were in your shoes, I would continue w. the counseling and refrain at all costs about asking him for a time frame. He is your friend --- he does not want to be in a relationship w/ you at this point. Until he has seen the changes, you can't tell him you have changed. Link to comment
digdug Posted February 8, 2012 Share Posted February 8, 2012 I have TONS of thoughts .... my situation is identical to yours .... in every way, with the exception that I am not currently in newquay .... lol I'd be happy to help you any way I can, as I am now on the "friend" side of things with my ex. We had a heart to heart last Friday night (which led to drunkin' sex btw) I cannot tell you how reading your post was like reading one of mine. Wow .... I won't air it all out here, but if ever you want to pm me, if you have any questions, or want to vent ... chances are I've been there or I'm going through it. Chin up! Could be much, much worse ~dig Link to comment
jolbell69 Posted February 8, 2012 Share Posted February 8, 2012 g1lly - I agree with mhowe in that you haven't had time to process everything, heal from it and be able to say you have changed. The traumas that happened to you obviously lead to some instant changes, but not enough for you and your ex to be able to move forward on a balanced plane. Your ex will see the changes more through your actions than through your words, and; to that end, I believe he is right is in wanting more time. It is also a nice idea for you to get away for a couple of days - take some 'you-time', relax and reflect. Continue to allow him to contact you - be relaxed and up-beat. Don't bring up the relationship, unless he does, and don't ask for time limits, etc. This is all about how you handle yourself now, and he will be watching closely. I think it's all positive G1lly - he obviously cares about you, and his honesty is commendable. Respect his request and respect yourself by giving yourself time and space too. Also, dig will be able to help you enormously I'm sure. Accept his kind offer and share your experiences - being able to share has helped me the most on my break-up journey... Congratulations on the new job BTW!!!!xxxx Link to comment
g1llybabes Posted February 8, 2012 Author Share Posted February 8, 2012 Thanks guys. I would never of asked him for a time frame I was just pondering in my head. I respect him far too much to ask that. How can a relationship fit to any time frame. He is far too important to me for that. I just dont know how to work through the issues that I cant see anymore. I dont want to be negative all the time looking for things wrong to fix as thats what I used to do. Link to comment
mhowe Posted February 8, 2012 Share Posted February 8, 2012 Issues that you can't see? How about just living for a while, day to day, and see how you react to stress? It is your response to things that upset him and made him distant. So, you need to just go about day to day living, and take responsibility for your actions. Link to comment
jolbell69 Posted February 8, 2012 Share Posted February 8, 2012 g1lly - just continue to work on the issues that you have already worked on. There really is no quick-fix!! Your ex believes, as most do; that noone can change overnight, so, now; it's about proving to him that you have. Enjoy your time alone - it's good for you. Listen to the great advice you receive... mhowe knows what she is talking about IMO!! Link to comment
mhowe Posted February 8, 2012 Share Posted February 8, 2012 g1lly - just continue to work on the issues that you have already worked on. There really is no quick-fix!! Your ex believes, as most do; that noone can change overnight, so, now; it's about proving to him that you have. Enjoy your time alone - it's good for you. Listen to the great advice you receive... mhowe knows what she is talking about IMO!! Nice to have a fan club Link to comment
g1llybabes Posted February 8, 2012 Author Share Posted February 8, 2012 Is it really that easy as just going on living. I say easy. I am continuing with my counselling I have been having my sessions for about 6 months now. But should I not be making more of an effort to address everything? I dont want to be seeking for things and making them worse. Does that make sense? Link to comment
mhowe Posted February 8, 2012 Share Posted February 8, 2012 If you are still in counseling, then ask your therapist. He/she certainly knows more about your specific issues than anyone on this forum. Link to comment
jolbell69 Posted February 8, 2012 Share Posted February 8, 2012 g1lly - noone here is saying it's easy!! It certainly is NOT!! What we are saying is that, if you go on with your daily life, giving your ex time and space; you may find issues crop up with your insecurities, neediness. Also, it takes some time to reflect on a long-term relationship - to explore the dynamics and to understand what lead to your ex needing time alone. There also may be outside factors to consider. I don't believe looking for your issues will make them worst. 1/2 the battle is admitting there are problems. Once out there, you can honestly deal with them. Nobody likes to admit they have faults/weaknesses/problems - but, every single one of us does. None of us are perfect. On a personal level; my break up has made me delve very deeply into my psyche, my insecurities, my need to be loved and validated, and I am very grateful I have had the opportunity and time to do this. I like myself so much more now, and my next relationship (whether with my ex or someone new) will benefit greatly from this transition. Link to comment
digdug Posted February 8, 2012 Share Posted February 8, 2012 G1 ... I just pm'd you a NOVEL .... my fingers hurt from typing. ~dig Link to comment
g1llybabes Posted February 9, 2012 Author Share Posted February 9, 2012 Thank you all so much. I am taking your advice and views and processing them hard. I will allow myself this time- as Dig has mentioned to me this is a gift he has given me.This time to process and resolve me. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted February 9, 2012 Share Posted February 9, 2012 I wish you luck in your healing. sometimes is takes the trauma of loss (sometimes more than once) to learn not to use a trigger as a reason to treat someone poorly. I wish you the best as you have a long road ahead. Link to comment
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