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Feeling lost


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I posted the following in the main "Relationships" group, but after some thought, this may be more appropriate for this group.



A little history before I jump into the following. We are both in our early 40s, have both been married once before, and neither of us have children.


In the beginning things were great. We have a lot in common, it seemed we could not get enough of each other, we always had fun together, we felt a strong sense of chemistry between us, no awkward first kisses, everything went smooth.

On a personal level, I honestly had never met anyone like her before. She brought up feelings for me that I had never felt before (I know, how cliche). She works as a therapist, and in the beginning hearing about life's journeys, listening to her, reading books that she suggested, it was all great. I learned a lot about a lot of things and sharing that knowledge made our bond even stronger. We waited two months to be intimate (her call), which was a first for me, but it allowed us to get to know each other on a deeper level.


But now, after about eight months, things are just different. It seems that we do not have the same chemistry, it seems that there is always "friction" between us when we are together. The anticipated, educational discussions on life and therapy turned personal a few months ago, and each time we talk it is like I am talking to a therapist, not a girlfriend. Even the tone of her voice and the conversations are similar to a client laying on a couch, talking to their therapist. I SO want to say something like, "I would like to talk and be with my girlfriend's heart, not always with her on-going mind ... " Conversations are about my "feelings", my "wounds", what I am "experiencing", etc. It is almost like she is always criticizing me and I cannot ever do or say the right thing. Our sex life was never even "average", and we have talked about it a couple of times. I will tell her that I am struggling with our sex life, and she will openly admit that our sex life is less than average. We talk about what my needs are, and I do not need or expect anything out of the ordinary. She says that she recognizes that our sex life could use a jolt, but to date, nothing has changed, if anything it has gotten less. Our sex life has always been, once a week, right as we would lay down to go to sleep on a Saturday night, when she visits (she has her house and I have my own). When she has talked about her past, she has mentioned that her sex drive was high and she would say, "we would go at it like rabbits, all weekend ... " And, when I suggest that we be more "lively", I get the cold shoulder as she walks away, or ignores what I have said. When we do have sex, she does things, moves certain ways, where I can tell that she is no stranger to sex.


It is to a point now that I do still love her and have strong feelings for her, but this constant barrage of therapy talk (almost non-human, non-relationship) communication and lack of a sex life, is starting to take its toll on me. I do not look forward to seeing her as I use to, knowing what I have to look forward to is the talking and criticism, and I will end up feeling horrible about what I do or say, then resentment steps in.


For a few months now, we have talked about selling one of our houses and moving in together. We have even talked about marriage and kids. I find myself asking lately, "do I really want to commit the rest of my life to all of this, introduce children, etc .... ?"


I am at a loss as to what to do.


Any comments and suggestions would be greatly appreciated.



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It seems you, or perhaps more accurately, she --- has intellectualized your relationship. She is approaching using her therapist tools, to the exclusion of her girlfriend tools. I think, given the state of your sex life, your lack of enthusiasm in seeing her --- that moving forward with this relationship is not the right move. Since you have discussed your issues w/ her --- and she agrees --- but then does nothing to address the problem...I would say, it is time to move on.

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