Female friend got mad at me for going to lunch with another female friend

[stuka80]

So here's the story, i have a very good work relationship with a female co-worker of mine(lets call her M). We basically work practically side by side even though we dont have to because we just enjoy each others company. This has been going on for a few months now and during that time she's developed a huge crush on another male co-worker of ours and he with her and she tells me all her little secrets and fantasies about him(she's married btw) and we both just laugh it up. I have absolutely no romantic feelings for her whatsoever and i thought she felt the same. Our relationship has purely been professional and friendly since the beginning.

 

Here's where it kinda got complicated. My work schedule changed a bit and we dont get to spend time with each other as much at work as we used to. So my lunch break isnt the same as hers anymore so i've been either going to lunch by myself or going with other people, though i prefer being alone usually. So anyway the last couple times i went to lunch this other female co-worker(call her J) who i get along with went the same time i did and basically invited herself to go with me during lunch time, which i didnt really mind. As we were walking down the hallway we come accross my friend M (who i havent seen the entire day until now) and i gesture towards my watch and say to her "lunch time" with a stupid smirk on my face and she just smiles at me as she walked by and says "ok"

 

So anyway i get back from lunch and see her a couple of hours later and i approach her as she's working. So i say hi to her and just casually talk to her about nothing important and she immediately says to me "so you've been going to lunch with J alot lately huh?". Immediately from her tone i noticed something was up, so i just responded "yea a couple of times" and continued to talk to her though confused as hell by this point because the whole time i was talking to her she was not her usual friendly self to me and instead was not even looking at me and continued to work and generally give me the cold shoulder. So i noticed this and asked if there was something wrong though i already suspected it had something to do with me going to lunch with J. When she ignored my question i said jokingly "is this because i went to lunch with J?" but to be honest i was bewildered because i had not expected her to be mad at me over that. Her response was that she was not mad at me for going to lunch with J but because i did not greet her properly when we ran into each other in the hallway and instead just said "lunch time" and she said it was really rude of me to not greet her. She's from Iran btw so maybe in their culture not greeting each other is a really rude gesture but since we're very comfortable with each other i had thought that it didnt matter to her, apparently i was wrong.

 

So i tried explaining to her that i didnt mean anything by it and that i did say hi to her properly just now but she was visibly very mad at me and told me to go back and talk to J instead because she didnt want to talk to me. I thought * * * ?? i kinda got irritated at that and left her alone after that. I couldnt help but think that theres no way she got that mad at me over not saying hi the 1st time and maybe instead she got jealous that i went to lunch with another co-worker instead because of the whole "go talk to her instead" attitude. Anyway i dont think she has any feelings for me that way because like i said, she's been telling me how much she's in love with this other co-worker of ours but that whole incident started to make me think that maybe she does. So do you guys really think she got mad at me because i didnt say hi to her or was she jealous of this other girl i went to lunch with? btw i have no romantic interest with either of them. Any thoughts?

 

EDIT: i had just remembered something else that occurred probably about a month ago that has reinforced my view that maybe she does have feelings for me. She told me that her crush at work had asked her out. I was happy for her and told her congratulations and was genuinely happy for her but after a couple minutes she admitted to me that she was just joking around with me and told me that only to see if i got jealous. I was thinking huh?? but then brushed it off as her being just joking around with me but now it's gotten me thinking...

[force]

Hmm....I don't think she has a crush on you. I think she was mad cause you going to lunch with J and she feels she is being replaced even though your schedules changed. Some women are very possessive of their friends and if they start hanging out with another they will get jealous, but not necessarily cause she wants you.... Does she have other friends at work she talks with or are you her primary? If she doesn't than that will make her more jealous than normal.

[stuka80]

thanks for responding. yea she does have others she talks to on a regular basis but not as close as she is with me. I also really doubt she likes me as well but i dont really know what other explanation there is for her behavior aside from i guess thinking that i'm replacing her friendship with another. She doest seem to be the possessive type but then again i dont really know her that well aside from work.

[force]

Im curious though....Are you sure you don't have some subconscious crush on her? I ask this cause it seems your looking for signs that she does. Usually people are oblivious to signs of attraction from another if they are not interested in that person at all.

[stuka80]

i really dont, as for subconscious well obviously i wouldnt know but on the surface i really dont have a crush on her i am currently in love with someone else and that occupies most of my thoughts currently. i never even considered her being attracted to me before, what brought it up was the incident i mentioned a month ago and now her getting mad at me for going to lunch with another coworker.

[Chelsea931]

huh ? *confused look*. Ok what i understand so far is that u are friends with this girl and ur nor in a relationship with her .. so A) i do not really see the problem in you going with other friends to have lunch and B) it still does not change the scenario since even if u were in a realtionship with her u would still go out with other peeps as friends ..but go on a romantic date with ur gf *hypothetically speaking*. SO ... why is she mad at u then ..??...just ignore her until she calms down ..now that sounds really blunt but this is the only way u will manage to sort things out..

[Chelsea931]

my theory is that she likes you.. because i assume she is jealous that you are with someone (a girl) although as a friend...she wants you to be with her ... now the fact that she gave u the cold shoulder signifies jealousy and that she likes you ...i could be wrong but this is only my opinion.

[Ilona Crow]

Ok, it is entirely possible that this woman has feelings for you, and that it really is as simple as that. However, to posit another scenario: It's also entirely possible that she has no romantic feelings or intentions towards you, but wants you to feel that way about her. I know that sounds a little convoluted, but hear me out. You can probably recall a time that you wanted someone to admire you, even if you didn't so much as like that person. We all want to be wanted and valued. I think that goes doubly so as women, because, even subconsciously, we are taught that our value is sexual, and our "power" is in being desired.

 

Given the friendship that you described, perhaps she was imagining you as the kind of guy whose feelings for her were so strong that, even though she does not reciprocate, you were happy just to be close to her and get what you could. (I know that sounds ridiculous, but think of the kinds of sappy guys like this that we see in the media, like romantic comedies.) So, seeing you even just having lunch with this other woman would make her feel less special and desired.

 

Either way, this woman sounds like she has a lot of insecurity, and a lot of emotional maturing to do.

[DN]

This all sounds very high school on her part. I suspect she is just jealous because she isn't your 'best friend' or 'only friend' any more.

[pl3asehelp]

Yeesh, that's alarming to imagine that anyone could be so needy and selfish.

[Ilona Crow]

Yeesh, that's alarming to imagine that anyone could be so needy and selfish.

 

Agreed. Not unheard of, though, unfortunately.

[stuka80]

thanks for all your responses guys. i still really doubt she's attracted to me romantically but i think Ilona Crow's explanation is the most likely. She's probably just one of those types of women that like all the attention to be with them and get mad when they feel it's being given to someone else. Still, i really hate work politics.

[Alezia]

It would be a likely theory, except if I was you, I'd sort of almost wish she would have a crush instead.

[stuka80]

lol why is that?

[Alezia]

You can't control your feelings, only your actions. This almost seems like doing the opposite.