chasebetter122 Posted February 7, 2012 Share Posted February 7, 2012 Hello everyone. The last month or two has been very tough on me. I have been broken up with my ex girlfriend since september and things went very badly in our breakup. I did things i regretted and things have now taken a turn for the worst. One of my roomates informed me in December that he was taking my ex girlfriend to a wedding. This immediately raised questions in my head. After a while and him telling me lies that they were just friends, it has now turned into them going on dates and now dating. I am a senior in college and I am forced to hear him leave every night to go to her place. I have tried my best to avoid it. All of my friends have pretty much been with me constantly for the last few months completely isolating him, but i still feel terrible every day. Today i was walking to class and i saw them through a window at a local ice cream place near campus. I dont know how to deal with this. I dated this girl for a year and a half and we had talked about marriage. Not only that but my roommate who is now dating my ex used to date her ex roommate. Ive never been in a situation like this and honestly dont know how to deal with it. I havent spoken to him once in 2 months and havent spoken to her since she sent me a nasty email in late december. All i know is that the two of them together makes absolutely no sense. My ex used to make fun of him all the time with the rest of us when we were together and he really is a guy that has nothing going for him and has no friends. If anyone can give me some good advice i would greatly appreciate it. It is starting to really take a toll on me. thanks Link to comment
LDRohnos Posted February 7, 2012 Share Posted February 7, 2012 That guy is what we call a douchebag here in NY. How long do you have to deal with this for? I'd get the heck out of that situation as soon as I possibly could. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted February 7, 2012 Share Posted February 7, 2012 How is it taking a toll on you? Link to comment
chasebetter122 Posted February 7, 2012 Author Share Posted February 7, 2012 i graduate in may, already have a great job lined up. its hard because i still have to hear him leave when i know where hes going. and then running into them is just the icing on top of everything. I have 2 other roomates who are completely on my side as all of my friends are. This situation is so weird and beyond hurtful. Its tough to know and constantly think that i dated this girl for a year and a half and that she would do this to me when she knows how close we were. I talked about marriage with this girl, and my roommate even knew how tough the breakup was on me. like i said i havent spoken to him and if he is ever at our house he just goes into his room. i dont know what to do, but it is killing me that they are together Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted February 7, 2012 Share Posted February 7, 2012 How are you huring? I am not understanding. what are your feelings? Link to comment
LDRohnos Posted February 7, 2012 Share Posted February 7, 2012 Your roommate isn't your buddy and he obviously doesn't give a rats ass how you feel about it. Just don't do anything stupid and get through the next few months as best you can. Focus on your studies. Soon you'll be moving on from that situation and onto bigger and better things. You'll make it. Link to comment
chasebetter122 Posted February 7, 2012 Author Share Posted February 7, 2012 I mean im constantly thinking about it. How could i not when im forced to hear him leave every night and know where he is going. i think about when i was with her and how close we were and now it just hurts me to know that she is doing this with him. She could honestly be with anyone else other than one of my friends. It hurts me that she would do this and it hurts me that my roommate of 4 years thinks its ok to do this and doesnt even seem to care. I constantly feel terrible, almost sick to my stomach to be honest. Seeing them today just made it worse. I guess im not completely over her, but everyone i know especially my family has lost all respect for this girl. I just dont know how to put this past me. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted February 7, 2012 Share Posted February 7, 2012 I think the first step in healing is to really understand your feelings. I am not trying to torture you here I promise. I feel ..... (blank) when he does .... (blank) because .... (blank.) Like I feel 'betrayed" when he leaves the house because I imagine them having sex. ... I think you should write out all the feelings ... exactly what they are and where they come from. "hurt" and "terrible" and "sick" are good descriptions that allude to a deeper emotion. Who is the one you are angry at and what can you do to address those feelings. I think you can start there. Link to comment
chasebetter122 Posted February 7, 2012 Author Share Posted February 7, 2012 i am angry at both of them. I would say im more angrier with my roommate because a part of me still feels as if i know her, but clearly i didnt know her at all in the year and a half we dated. I feel terrible when i hear him leave. I know that they are probably having sex and it makes me literally sick to my stomach to think about it. Its hard not to think about it. I mean im not crazy here, this isnt a normal thing to happen. Me and her used to be unbelievably close, she practically lived with me, talked about marriage and our future together. And now almost seemed like a blink of an eye things are like this. I feel like * * * * everytime i come home and hes not there knowing he is with her. Knowing what me and her used to do and thinking about them doing that is just constantly on my mind. I dont know how to address the feelings i have. I will never talk to him again, clearly he had no respect for me to do that. do you have any advice darcy? Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted February 7, 2012 Share Posted February 7, 2012 My next bit of advice would be to turn those feelings into questions. There are questions there, right? How can she do this to me? How can he still consider himself my friend? Etc Etc. Ask as many questions as your emotions drive you to. Sometimes the questions lead to bigger questions ... will I ever be able to trust someone again? Will I ever be able to love again? Etc etc. list them out. Link to comment
chasebetter122 Posted February 8, 2012 Author Share Posted February 8, 2012 alot of my questions revolve around is he a rebound to her? is she doing this to get back at me? does she really like him? stuff like that...which i feel like doesnt help me Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted February 8, 2012 Share Posted February 8, 2012 Is he a rebound to her? ... It does not matter because you are broken up. Is she doing this to get back at me? ... I have no knowledge of her motives, but it doesn't matter because I am choosing to move on. Does she really like him? ... I do not know or care because I am my primary concern now. I focus on me and liking myself. You need to understand where these questions are coming from (which stem from not letting her go). So you really need to focus on letting her go so you can let go of the hurt associated with her dating someone else. I would suggest repeating those answers to yourself over and over in a mantra. (It helps the brain believe it). Link to comment
chasebetter122 Posted February 8, 2012 Author Share Posted February 8, 2012 its tough to do when its your roommate of all people dating her. Its almost as if im forced to know about it even though we dont talk. I still notice when hes not here and staying with her. it still hurts a ton Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted February 8, 2012 Share Posted February 8, 2012 its tough to do when its your roommate of all people dating her. Its almost as if im forced to know about it even though we dont talk. I still notice when hes not here and staying with her. it still hurts a ton You can choose to keep hurting or you can move out and start retraining your brain. Totally up to you. You have control over yourself. Link to comment
chasebetter122 Posted February 8, 2012 Author Share Posted February 8, 2012 i graduate in may and that is when our lease is up...it is a 4 person house and i still have my other friends here. This roommate no longer has any friends and i dont want to move out now and then move home and isolate myself. I feel like im doing the best that i can, being as active as i can, going out with my friends, dating other girls, playing sports, and focusing on school but nothing is working. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted February 8, 2012 Share Posted February 8, 2012 Well I am trying to suggest an alternative but you are ignoring. Link to comment
chasebetter122 Posted February 8, 2012 Author Share Posted February 8, 2012 i appreciate all of the help that you are giving me. Moving out is however not an option. ive seen a counselor, talked to my friends and family, done everything to try and move on. I just really need to graduate and get on with my life. Its still tough though how all of this happened. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted February 8, 2012 Share Posted February 8, 2012 I made another suggestion, but time will heal all anyway. Link to comment
Momma1390 Posted February 8, 2012 Share Posted February 8, 2012 You obviously can't avoid either of them at school. However, maybe it's time you moved to a new place. Link to comment
Scuza Posted February 8, 2012 Share Posted February 8, 2012 Bros before hoes, man. That's like college rule #1. A true friend would not allow a girl to come in between their friendship, nor would a true friend begin dating a friend's ex, unless he had spoken to his friend about it first. This guy is an a**hole, and you should avoid associating yourself with him in any shape or form. Don't room with him next year. Link to comment
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