My Best Guy Friend Has Friend-Zoned Me.... Possible?

[flamaze13]

Hey! So I’ve been friends with this guy for about two years now. We met through a class but he continued to talk to me all the time online, and we went out for dinner a couple times at the beginning. We spent a lot of time apart, as he was in London this summer and I was in China. When we were together for one night, he took me out on a date and we made out for several hours outside and probably would have gone farther. We didn’t talk about it again, but spent a lot of time together watching movies, although he was very careful to not touch me. It was weird. He did kiss me goodbye when I left for England.

 

We became insanely close while I was away for three months, him definitely pursuing me although with the warning he didn’t know what he was looking for. When I came back home, he picked me up in a suit, held my hand all through a fantastic dinner, which was over $150. We went back to his place and “watched” movies….really just made out for a few hours. He told me that he did not want nor expect to sleep with me.

 

I made him dinner about a week later, and it again turned to tons of kissing. He wanted me to stay the night, just sleeping, but I declined. He playfully attempted to get me to stay, but I laughed and went home. He invited me over the next night and I accepted. We did just a lot of kissing.

 

The he started pulling back. After a couple weeks, where we were more distant, we got together and he sat as far as possible as he could from me. “I think you are more of a friend, I’m so sorry.” He was in a scarring relationship with a girl four years ago and doesn’t think he’s capable of doing it again. I knew this from the beginning, as he wasn’t ever interested in anybody outside of a celebrity crush. He doesn’t date people, period.

 

I asked for some time because I saw him as more than that, and he panicked but agreed. It lasted all of five days before he messaged me again, and I decided just to swallow it and have one of my best friends back.

 

But then last night I slipped up. I asked him why he was avoiding me, which he was doing. He said he’s “exercising his right to be by himself,” which was like a slap in the face considering how he always came to me in our friendship for everything. “I just can’t be physical. I’m sorry I led you on. Why isn’t being best friends good enough?” I asked him what happened after I stayed the night. “I really, really missed you. I wanted to see if we were compatible, I guess. But you are much more than the physical stuff to me, which is why I guess I don’t want it. I can't do relationships and I hate complicated, and obviously I care or else I wouldn't be continuing this conversation. I have been nothing but honest.” Ugh! "When I was in a relationship, I was boyfriend of the year, but my happiness relied on others. When she burned me, I changed and now my happiness is solely dependent on me only at the expense of relationships."

 

So every rule says that men cannot be just friends with women. I know that we find one another attractive, just by chemistry and by the fact we are both really good looking. I’m in deep here guys. I’m considering pulling back again, but it really sucks to be in this position because being his friend should be enough…. But it’s not. I want to be with him, and bang him crazy, and he doesn’t.

[Sim54]

Unfortunately, he's made his position quite clear. It's sad, because his insecurities are preventing him from having what he truly wants, but having been hurt, he has pendulum swung to the other extreme in the belief that that will make him happy.

It won't, but you can't do anything about that.

And you need to be selfish here.

If you want him then you're going to have to let go, of it all.

You are only going to hurt yourself by staying near him and having feelings. Doing so will be self abandonment, and will back fire badly.

If you walk now, then down the line, you might be able to salvage a friendship, but if you hang around, you kill it all dead.

 

This is called a lose lose situation I'm afraid, as either way you turn, you lose, so you choose the path of least loss which is the one that will hurt the most now, and diminish with time.

If you think you can put this off and deal with the hurt later you WILL regret it.

 

Good luck.

[pl3asehelp]

You dated. You went on dates and have made out multiple times. You're not friends, you're just a couple who dated and he's been clear that he doesn't want it to go any further. I don't think you can go back to being friends and really I don't think you ever were. If you continue spending time with him and calling it friendship, you'll get hurt.

[Ms Darcy]

The lesson here is if someone tells you what they want or don't want in the beginning, LISTEN. He told you long ago he didn't know what he was looking for. If you are honest, you wanted more than he had to give. Best thing you can do now is cut off contact and look for someone else.

 

Btw, I suspect for guys like this, it's the woman who sets her boundaries high and early that gets under his skin (she may or may not be super attractive, but she will know what she wants and be direct about it.)

[flamaze13]

Thanks everybody. I really am considering pulling back, but that's very hard. Despite what another commenter said, he and I are very, very close friends and were long before anything romantic started to happen.

 

About a year and a half ago, he ended up sleeping with one of his friends by accident when he was drunk, and he ended up texting me at 3 am wondering why he did it. I told him that he gets bored in relationships, and he said that's exactly right, and that's why he hesitates on anything physical. Although I'm not going to bore him. We both know that since we have talked for hours almost every day for couple years! I even told him a couple weeks ago that it's like we were and have been a couple for a while considering how much we turn to one another. He agreed. My angry rant is that we both know how much he adores me, how much he cares, his traumatizing past is just getting in the way of a potentially great thing. I told him I'm not looking for anything more than exclusively dating, and was very direct about this. It was too much for him, I guess.

 

And also, probably another relevant factor is that he has Aspergers. It's very, very mild, but he has a very hard time recognizing feelings so it's kinda amazing I show up on the registry this much.

 

I know I should stop talking to him, but my feelings for him are very, very strong and everybody close to us said it would be weird if we no longer talked. I just want to bang my head on the table. I suck at pulling back.

 

Just as an addendum, the drunk comment and all of this makes him come accross as not such a great guy. I know all of his flaws, believe me. He's selfish, he's pretentious, he's so lazy it's sickening, he's materialistic, he's vain. This kept me from being interested for a long time, and I did heed his warning. But we really, really got to know one another and he knows all of my flaws too, which are just as annoying. We pointed out to one another that we somehow fit - his flaws don't bother me, and mine don't irk him, and that's the moment I realized how I was starting to fall in love with him.

[Ms Darcy]

I know all of his flaws, believe me. He's selfish, he's pretentious, he's so lazy it's sickening, he's materialistic, he's vain. This kept me from being interested for a long time, and I did heed his warning. But we really, really got to know one another and he knows all of my flaws too, which are just as annoying. We pointed out to one another that we somehow fit - his flaws don't bother me, and mine don't irk him, and that's the moment I realized how I was starting to fall in love with him.

 

Whenever the men on this board complain that women don't like nice guys who are interested in a relationship and good to others, I think this is what they mean.

[bulletproof]

My angry rant is that we both know how much he adores me, how much he cares, his traumatizing past is just getting in the way of a potentially great thing.

 

In order to get over this quickly in a healthy way, you have to realize that his traumatizing past has nothing to do with it. He's just not feeling it with you. And that's fine. There are plenty of people that could feel it with you. Expand your circle- you've been putting so much energy into this friendship, you've probably missed a lot of other chances with guys that actually want to be with you.

[CatchersRye]

Thanks everybody. I really am considering pulling back, but that's very hard. Despite what another commenter said, he and I are very, very close friends and were long before anything romantic started to happen.

 

About a year and a half ago, he ended up sleeping with one of his friends by accident when he was drunk, and he ended up texting me at 3 am wondering why he did it. I told him that he gets bored in relationships, and he said that's exactly right, and that's why he hesitates on anything physical.

 

Whenever this happens in sitcoms, people ask "What did he do fall down on her repeatedly?" (or him, you didn't specify). Why when he is drunk he gets physically, but when he's sober he avoids it?

 

If he does get "bored in relationships" and that results in him sleeping with other people, why is this a flaw you can live with?

 

I had a similar situation, though sex never factored into it. I wanted to continue a relationship and bring it to the next level, but the girl wasn't interested in changing the relationship.

 

After hanging around and enjoying our time together, I knew I had to tear it off like a Band-Aid. She felt hurt from it and I didn't enjoy it, but she was looking for something and didn't include me. She was a great person, but the feelings I had for her were torturous when not being able to be myself around her.

 

I shouldn't have done it without telling her why and how I felt, I didn't think of her feelings. But when you talk to him and explain why you can't be near him. He either understands or doesn't, but that doesn't change the fact that you need to keep your distance.

 

No one enjoys walking on eggshells when being with someone and not being who you are.

 

For that I repeat the post from above:

 

Unfortunately, he's made his position quite clear. It's sad, because his insecurities are preventing him from having what he truly wants, but having been hurt, he has pendulum swung to the other extreme in the belief that that will make him happy.

It won't, but you can't do anything about that.

And you need to be selfish here.

If you want him then you're going to have to let go, of it all.

You are only going to hurt yourself by staying near him and having feelings. Doing so will be self abandonment, and will back fire badly.

If you walk now, then down the line, you might be able to salvage a friendship, but if you hang around, you kill it all dead.

 

This is called a lose lose situation I'm afraid, as either way you turn, you lose, so you choose the path of least loss which is the one that will hurt the most now, and diminish with time.

If you think you can put this off and deal with the hurt later you WILL regret it.

 

Good luck.

[Ms Darcy]

^Agree with Catcher that even if you got together he would probably get 'bored' with you too. That has more to do with him inside than how 'exciting' the other girl is.