Relationship Advice Needed!

[VitalQuestion]

Hi there,

 

I want to describe a situation for you and to hear your thoughts on the subject. I have a girlfriend for more than 7 years now, who I really love. Our relationship has been very stable all these years and I know that she loves me as well. She has shown that to me in every possible way. For the past couple of years she constantly tells me that I have a hall pass and I can amuse myself with other girls. I have not done that, but this is not the reason I am writing you about. A month ago she told me that she wants a hall pass as well and I agreed. A bit later it turns out that she does not just want to try something, but instead she wants to have sex with a specific guy, to whom she is attracted to. That, of course, worried me a lot, but she insisted that there is nothing more. A few days later, she tells me that she has seen him in a bar (they were not alone) and he said that his girlfriend is pregnant. At that point she got confused, because she has thought that he is flirting with her. She drinks a couple of glasses of wine and when she gets back home, she sends him an e-mail where she is saying that she is attracted to him and why was he flirting to her when he will become a father. They decide together that this is her way of interpreting the things and he was not flirting. After that she told me that at first it was just a physical attraction to him, but later it was mixed with emotions. She cannot describe the emotions, but she insists that I am, have ever been and always will be number 1 for her. Now she says that she changed her mind and she does not want to have anything with him, but she wants to remain friends. She was honest to me during the whole time. I know that the situation is complex and I am sorry about that. She is constantly writing to him e-mails and she says that it is relaxing to her. At the same time, we start having a really hard time with my jealousy issues. There are numerous other details that I can share, but let me stop right here. I would be grateful to hear your comments on the subject. Thank you in advance.

[camus154]

Frankly I think you should find a new girlfriend and forgot about all this business of "hall passes" if you have jealousy issues.

[Mephisto13]

If you want to open your relationship, MAKE SOME GROUND RULES!!!

 

Else, this relationship is over after she uses her "hall pass".

 

If you don't want to open your relationship, TELL HER UNEQUIVICALLY THAT SHE HAS NO HALL PASS. She'll say that you have one too, but you tell her that she's the one for you and never ever THOUGHT about using your hall pass because you want her, only her and all to yourself.

[VitalQuestion]

Thank you both for your answers, but my problem currently is not with the hall pass that I gave her. My problem is that this is not really a hall pass. There is a specific guy that she likes and she says that there are emotions involved already. It is not just a physical attraction, which is the idea of the hall pass. And yet she decides now that she wants to be a friend to that guy, although she admits she feels mixed emotions about him. We have always been best friends to each other and we have no secrets. I respect that she was honest to me during the whole time. She says now that she does not want to use her hall pass with him, because she knows that would hurt me, since there are feelings involved. She seems to me very confused now, she changes her mind almost daily. I believe her that she would not do it, but I have hard time accepting that she wants to talk to him and to send him e-mails daily. I have also hard time accepting that you can have physical attraction to someone, couple of days later emotions for the same guy and a few days later to want him just as a friend... Please, help.

[DrKitten]

I don't think it's appropriate to be friends with someone you have romantic feelings for, while in a relationship. I think you have every right to ask her to cease contact with him, out of respect for your relationship as well as his. I doubt his pregnant girlfriend would be pleased to know he's constantly emailing another girl. All you can do is say, "I feel this friendship is crossing boundaries and is inappropriate. I would appreciate it if you didn't contact this guy, because it's making me uncomfortable." She will do one of three things:

 

-Agree to not jeopardize your relationship and cut contact

 

-Disregard your feelings and refuse to stop speaking to him

 

-Agree with you to your face but keep contacting him secretly

 

If she does the 2nd or 3rd option, you have grounds for her dishonesty and thus, a break up. If she's as honest as you say, then hopefully she chooses door #1 and your relationship moves forward. If things turn go well, then get rid of this silly hall pass thing. Both of you are obviously not cut out for it.

[VitalQuestion]

That was exactly my argumentation, DrKitten. She said the following: if I insist, she will acknowledge my opinion, but she would feel this as a restriction, because she does not want to do it willingly. Then she said, maybe some day, after years she could decide that it is not fair that I set restrictions for her and that this could ruin our relationship. Nevertheless, she said she will do it if I insist. I really do not want to make her do that, because it would be forced. That is my problem now. She says that she will never do anything, but wants to keep in touch with him. She said that even if she wants him again one day, she would stop seeing him instead of cheating. That unfortunately does not work for me or at least does not calm me down. So, I guess my question is whether I should insist of stopping the communication between them. I do not want to ruin our relationship because of this situation.

[camus154]

Look, man. There is no right or wrong here. It's whatever the two of you agree on. It's your relationship. It's your very own Choose-Your-Own-Adventure.

 

There are no guarantees. You can't go about setting boundaries out of fear for what may or may not happen down the road. All you can do is draw the boundaries you're comfortable with, cross your fingers, and try your best.

 

Either you accept this friendship and where it might lead or you don't.

[camus154]

And just to add: personally, I would tell her no way, no how. No more hall passes whatsoever. If she felt like that was forced, too bad. She can walk then.

[VitalQuestion]

Thank you, guys. Your opinions really help me. I am not myself lately and I cannot stop thinking about that. It is affecting also my work performance. I wanted to discuss the situation with someone, but I couldn't. I would appreciate if I can hear more opinions.