Need Advice - Husband Who Doesn't Initiate Sex - Next Steps?

[rnrshi]

I have been married to my husband for 4 years – together for 7. We have twin girls who are 2 years old. He is a wonderful, supportive, father and husband. My problem is that we rarely have sex, an issue that has always been there, but lately has left me feeling resentful and confused. I'm really looking for any honest feedback from an outsider's perspective. Any insight, "been there", etc from you guys would be GREATLY APPRECIATED! Apologies for the long post - just venting & providing details. Thanks for hanging in there and reading

 

We've been sexually incompatible from the very beginning. I let him know early on specific things about how I like to be touched and what turns me on, but it always felt as if there was a disconnect in the bedroom. Before we were married, I bought interactive sex books and expensive position pillows in an attempt to inject the excitement and intimacy I was missing. They seemed to flop and make me feel more self-conscious. On our wedding night, I wore sexy lingerie and tried to get really into it. He seemed to like it, but as soon as his orgasm came, that was the end of the sex - for the remainder of our honeymoon! Now, I’m sure we would have had more sex if I had initiated and jumped his bones every time, but I was really looking for him to find me irresistible and act as if he couldn’t get enough (sex). I mean, it’s supposed to be our honeymoon, right?!

He tells me all the time that I have a great body, that I’m beautiful, that he finds me attractive. It just never goes further than a butt slap or breast grab.

 

When I was pregnant, he went out of town on business. Something seemed off. I checked his email account and found odd phone numbers. When I Googled the #’s, I found that they were for female escorts. I lost it and confronted him when he got home. He said that a co-worker gave him the numbers and he just looked them up out of curiosity. He said he looked at porn when on the road (he was traveling a lot at the time) and masturbated to it, but that’s it.When our girls were born, we were so tired that "once a month" sex turned into once in 15 months. During this time we took a trip to Disney World and got lost. I grabbed his phone to try to map our way back to the theme park and stumbled upon a login page for a gay porn site. ?!?? He said it was spam and had nothing to do with it – swore on his daughters’ lives that he wasn’t looking at gay porn. About 3 months ago, I found more evidence of call girls when he was out of town. This time, he said he and a co-worker were hanging out at the bar drunk and talking s**t to the girls by texting them. Trying to convince them that they weren’t cops. That nothing happened and it was stupid – he would never do it again. At this point, my trust in him is wavering. I don’t have solid proof that anything has happened, but it’s been one too many times that little things here and there have come up. How many other times has he done something questionable while out of town that I don’t know about?

 

In addition, the “lack of sex” theme continues…in six months, we’ve had sex twice – which was only after having a lengthy discussion about our absent sex life. The sex itself is very awkward. He has a hard time reaching orgasm and is only able to from behind (doggy-style). Sometimes he loses his erection and we finish by masturbating next to each other. He denies that there's a problem, says he thinks about having sex and is attracted to me, but is often too tired. At this point, I’ve completely lost interest in sex with him and have grown resentful. I am not sure now if I still love him the way I should, but feel guilty and selfish even thinking or writing the thought of leaving. Do I stay in a marriage where sex is infrequent and awkward? Everyone I know thinks he is the perfect husband and father. I feel like this issue has become our dirty little secret. I don’t know how to reconcile these feelings of hurt, resentment, lack of trust and now – indifference.

[guynextdoor]

There is red flags written everywhere from your post. Multiple issues that I really don't know where to start. Seems like he has porn addiction, lies to you about these escort services. Isn't intimate with you however he states he attractive to you? if the both of you love one another I suggest counseling, the issues isn't stemming from lack of sex but something deeper.

[april15]

I am sorry to be so negative but I am hearing pure bs from his side. He is cheating, not sure about the gay thing. With the escorts, once, give him the benefit of doubt, twice, he is paying for sex. Would be best if he would come clean, counseling of some type, do what you can to fix this because there are kids but if he is not willing to change, it is time to end the lie.

[rnrshi]

Thanks for the quick & honest replies back guynextdoor and april15. It probably seems so blindingly obvious to you guys! It's easy to justify and buy the "I swear on my daughters' lives" crap when you really want to believe it. He's going out of town on business again for a week soon. It makes me sick to think of the possibilities. I need to find a way to discuss with him before he leaves.

[Thorshammer]

He might have a twisted perspective about sex, meaning he wants it dirty and new, something outside of the norm that doesnt include his girlfriend/wife. This can happen when people get porn addictions (does he have this?). Now if he does have this, then the addiction to porn is ruining the sex-life, or the sex-life doesnt attract him and he seeks out porn is unknown. I dont see this fixing really, and the longer you stay, the more he thinks this is acceptable.

 

HE needs to put the effort into avoiding watching porno so his sex drive becomes normal. Many men want a release, especially if they have the desire to watch porn and keep escort numbers in his phone. He is getting this release somewhere, so if he stops this, he might turn to you.

[abitbroken]

Why not try suggesting watching porn together - doesn't have to be anything hard core and see if that works. It could be that it should be the opposite that he should quit porn, but I don't know if the can's beat em join em applies. Also, if during the sex he loses his erection - has he ever been to a doctor about it? Also, does he really work really long hours, etc. He could REALLY be tired. If it weren't for the escort numbers, or losing him at disney and the rest of your sex life was listed as above, I would say that he probably is having ED and is tired. But if you guys have never been able to have more than awkward sex, and it has always been that way, I don't really know what to say. There are some people who just don't get turned on by the same thing and are incompatible that way but accommodate eachother by doing things that turns the other on, but there should have been something by now.

[pl3asehelp]

You should re-title this 'husband sleeping with prostitutes' because that's what's going on here. His lie about a friend giving him the numbers and him looking them up out of curiosity doesn't hold water - no way on earth he's not paying for sex. Completely implausible.

[Silverbirch]

I'd say the chances of him ever coming clean and being honest with you are zilch. The thing is do you REALLY want to know the truth of what he is up to. The chances there are that what you find out will hurt you. The bottom line is that sexual compatibility is not likely to ever happen in your relationship with him. I don't think you should waste more of your energy trying to find out what he is really up to. You just need to decide whether or not you want to stay with him or not. The thing to remember is that the lack of compatibility doesn't reflect on you as a woman.

[rnrshi]

You should re-title this 'husband sleeping with prostitutes' because that's what's going on here. His lie about a friend giving him the numbers and him looking them up out of curiosity doesn't hold water - no way on earth he's not paying for sex. Completely implausible.

 

Is there a way that he could pay for prostitutes discreetly? There hasn't been any sign of large cash withdrawals or odd credit card charges. I'm not doubting there's a real possibility that he's up to something - just wondering how he would be able to do it. I guess I feel like it's my word against his. If he refuses to "fess up", what alternative do I have - an ultimatum? Admitting to having sex with prostitutes is a hugely shameful thing that he may never admit to unless I have some sort of physical proof.

[rnrshi]

I'd say the chances of him ever coming clean and being honest with you are zilch. The thing is do you REALLY want to know the truth of what he is up to. The chances there are that what you find out will hurt you. The bottom line is that sexual compatibility is not likely to ever happen in your relationship with him. I don't think you should waste more of your energy trying to find out what he is really up to. You just need to decide whether or not you want to stay with him or not. The thing to remember is that the lack of compatibility doesn't reflect on you as a woman.

 

Thanks for the re-direct! You're absolutely right - I don"t need to waste another second playing detective. Something is definitely wrong. I am a realist and want to know what he's been up to, but I need to come to terms with the fact that I may not get the closure I'm looking for. It's tough when there are kids involved. It complicates the decision for sure, but I will not hide behind my girls and use them as an excuse to stay in a relationship that's unhealthy.

[chitown9]

What I am thinking is that it is really a good thing that he does not want to have sex with you. Do you really want to have sex with someone who is likely having sex elsewhere? I am thinking about SIDS. My girlfriend got herpes from her husband because he was fooling around. It probably would be best for you to not to have sex with him until or if you ever get this situation straightened out... chi

[pl3asehelp]

Is there a way that he could pay for prostitutes discreetly? There hasn't been any sign of large cash withdrawals or odd credit card charges. I'm not doubting there's a real possibility that he's up to something - just wondering how he would be able to do it. I guess I feel like it's my word against his. If he refuses to "fess up", what alternative do I have - an ultimatum? Admitting to having sex with prostitutes is a hugely shameful thing that he may never admit to unless I have some sort of physical proof.

 

I think once you've crossed the moral line to pay for sex you've proven you're pretty devious - I'm sure he's got some creative way. I wouldn't worry about that detail. I don't think you need him to admit it - you know it's going on and what effect it's having, which is really enough info to make a decision.

[thejigsup]

I had a gf once whose bf would not have sex with her at all after the kids were born. Some men need it nasty and they don't want that from the mother of their children. Some men cannot separate the woman from the mother. I would bet that is what is happening here. He likes dirty sex and has always seen you as a "nice girl" and in his mind, nice girls don't enjoy sex. That is why he is not concerned about your orgasm. Nice girls don't want them in his book. You both need to get yourselves to counseling, pronto! Don't divorce over this, it will hurt your girls more than you are being hurt. As long as he isn't physically hurting you, get counseling and make this work.

[rnrshi]

I had a gf once whose bf would not have sex with her at all after the kids were born. Some men need it nasty and they don't want that from the mother of their children. Some men cannot separate the woman from the mother. I would bet that is what is happening here. He likes dirty sex and has always seen you as a "nice girl" and in his mind, nice girls don't enjoy sex. That is why he is not concerned about your orgasm. Nice girls don't want them in his book. You both need to get yourselves to counseling, pronto! Don't divorce over this, it will hurt your girls more than you are being hurt. As long as he isn't physically hurting you, get counseling and make this work.

 

I don't think this is the case since it's been an issue long before our daughters were born.

[rnrshi]

I am so glad I posted this message. I definitely need to address this head on and your advice has given me renewed courage to stand my ground and not let him bs his way through another 6 months of lies. It will be hard, but I'm going to confront him tonight after we get the girls to bed. Not going to be a fun evening.

[Ms Darcy]

I am sorry to be so negative but I am hearing pure bs from his side. He is cheating, not sure about the gay thing. With the escorts, once, give him the benefit of doubt, twice, he is paying for sex. Would be best if he would come clean, counseling of some type, do what you can to fix this because there are kids but if he is not willing to change, it is time to end the lie.

 

Yup.

 

You should re-title this 'husband sleeping with prostitutes' because that's what's going on here. His lie about a friend giving him the numbers and him looking them up out of curiosity doesn't hold water - no way on earth he's not paying for sex. Completely implausible.

 

Total yup.

 

Is there a way that he could pay for prostitutes discreetly? There hasn't been any sign of large cash withdrawals or odd credit card charges. I'm not doubting there's a real possibility that he's up to something - just wondering how he would be able to do it. I guess I feel like it's my word against his. If he refuses to "fess up", what alternative do I have - an ultimatum? Admitting to having sex with prostitutes is a hugely shameful thing that he may never admit to unless I have some sort of physical proof.

 

Prostitutes can be as cheap as the price of a dinner, sadly.

 

Thanks for the re-direct! You're absolutely right - I don"t need to waste another second playing detective. Something is definitely wrong. I am a realist and want to know what he's been up to, but I need to come to terms with the fact that I may not get the closure I'm looking for. It's tough when there are kids involved. It complicates the decision for sure, but I will not hide behind my girls and use them as an excuse to stay in a relationship that's unhealthy.

 

Yup yup and yup. Good luck on confronting and hopefully leaving this fool.

[rnrshi]

I confronted my husband last night and it did NOT go well. He immediately became defensive & told me I was crazy for suggesting that he was paying for sex and/or addicted to porn. He told me to get the f**k out when I said I wanted a separation & said he's the one who makes the money, so he would not let me take the kids. After awhile, he calmed down & told me that he looks at porn once a week or so because we aren't having sex. He said the escort services are just free pics to look at so he doesn't have to pay for anything. He said the texting and talking to an escort was just a dumb, drunk thing he was doing with a co-worker. As I guessed, he told me to pull bank records, email, phone accounts and look for any evidence that he has paid for any services - that I won't find any. He says the reason we never have sex is because I am unwelcoming and turn him down all the time, so he doesn't bother anymore. He hasn't made any advances that I remember - must have been while I was asleep. His behavior has caused me to lose interest, but he hasn't given me the chance to turn him down, because he hasn't tried!

 

He said he loves me and wants to make this work. I was ready to leave last night, but the conversation now has me questioning myself and the validity of my accusations. Did I jump to conclusions about the escort thing? Is he telling the truth? Should I stick to my guns and continue with separation & counseling? He's about to spend a lot of time out of town on business & I can't help but wonder what he'll be up to.

[april15]

He's telling you where to look because he knows he has covered his tracks there. The flat out lie that you have turned him down gives you validation that he is lying. He is doing the classic cheater routine: deny, deny, blame you and deny some more. Separate, and counseling, meet with a lawyer to figure out the finacial stuff and the right way to proceed so that if he does not come around that the steps you take (moving out or tossing his stuff to the curb) will stick long term.

[Ms Darcy]

I agree with April ... of course he is going to lie. That is what liars do. He's happy with the status quo. Trust your gut ... get a lawyer.

[DWNWRDSPRL]

One of the first things they taught us when I went throught interveiw and interrogation schools/classes was that when someone says "I swear on my children's lives/ swear to God", they are lying like crazy.

 

The honest person will simply say "I'm not doing that" whatever "that" may be.

 

It sure sounds to me like he is not being honest to himself about his sexual orientation. His anger is telling as well when you confronted him.

 

If my wife came to me and accused me of cheating/logging into gay sites, I'd bust out laughing.

 

The liar will get defensive.

 

I think you can see through his lies too. And yes, turning it back on you is a classic method of a liar. With what you have told us so far, I feel uber confident I could get him to confess to all sorts of stuff in an hour's time.

[Silverbirch]

RN, I don't know him, but I DON'T trust him. I was in a 10 year relationship with somebody who I now believe was cheating most of the way through the relationship. I found out by accident near the end of the relationship that he actually had TWO mobile phones and he became good at covering his tracks. Especially though, he would turn things around on me, blaming me like your husband has and that is what makes me most suspicious. I suspect that the man I was with was also bisexual though I'm not certain if he ever acted it out, and I'd say there is a strong possibility that the sexual preferences you mention could have something to do with that. I recall at the end of the relationship, my ex, seemingly out of nowhere, got this obsession with anal sex which I refused to have with him. One day he was saying to me how anal sex with a woman was THE BEST SEX EVER. I just blurted out, "Well, you don't need a woman for that" and even though he was not a coy type of person, he went very red and embarrassed looking. Somebody I knew for a long time did say to me discreetly that from something he had done many years before, they believed he was bi or gay.

 

Anyway, main thing is that you don't need to make a decision whether to stay or go right at this point in time, but I would strongly urge you to take care of yourself. Especially, keep records of finances and legal issues and store them safely (copies if need be), preferably outside the home. Seek legal advice, but don't tell him. Threatening to keep the children from you is usually bluff, and unless you have somehow been negligent, which is unlikely, he cannot stop you from seeing the children. In fact, especially as he travels so much with work, it is unlikely that he would be given unequal custody in his favour. When your children are older, it would be much easier for you to re-enter the workforce if that is what you want to do. Having been there done that, I think that especially women (but sometimes it is men), tend to have so fewer opportunities to them through lack of control of their own finances. Been there, done that. Good luck.

[rnrshi]

Silverbirch, thanks for sharing your insight and personal story. Sorry that you had to go through that! It's difficult to stay put given the turmoil and momentum this has caused. He is very willing and open to going to counseling about our communication issues and nonexistent sex life that is. He has yet to own up to any wrongdoing with looking up escort sites. I'm struggling with the desire to extend an olive branch at this point and give my all. Time will tell how this unfolds.

[Silverbirch]

You are very welcome RN. I hope you keep us updated with how things go for you.

[Realitynut]

My dad who is going to be 80, and had numerous affairs all his married life, has NEVER admitted to any of them. His last gf lasted 15 years...but of course she just 'worked' for him.....lol

 

Another woman I knew, after she was married for around 15 years or so, she was telling me how obnoxious he was getting, etc. I had known her and him for about that long also. I was also getting smarter, and thought he just seemed a little 'effeminate" (sp?) So one day, I just sat down, and said, "I'm going to say something very personal, but have you ever thought he might be gay?", she gasped, and said, "how did you know?" She had guessed years before (he was looking at porn) and had been sleeping on the couch ever since. They eventually divorced, but she never told her girls (who were almost adults at the time) and he moved out of state and lived with a 'room mate'. I was the only one that ever knew.

 

Your husband sounds like he has sex issues. Of course, I should talk. I didn't have sex with my ex-husband for the last 15 years of our 20 year marriage. Sex was always ackward, from day one. Never liked it with him...don't know why. Got married in 10 months...Sex 4 times the first month. Got prego...and that was that! I didn't have sex with him cuz I wasn't in love with him. But I don't think he really ever wanted it with me either...but it was a LOVE thing.

 

I have a feeling your hubby may have some hidden sexual desires, and they do not include YOU!

[moschino]

If he's out of town so much, why dont you get busy and make arrangements for you and the kids to leave?

 

He obviously has no regard for your need for intimacy in the relationship, or the self esteem issues that have resulted from his lack of interest in you.

 

I am in a very similar situation to you - he has only just admitted an addiction to porn, and of course there's been messing around with other women...with 1 child and 1 on the way, I am stuck in this situation with him for a while longer, but his admission is too little, too late.