The "getting back together support thread"!!

[mhowe]

I know you can too -- and that will make you stronger in the long run ---- and therefore, more attractive. Lots of things have happened to you lately. When in doubt, do nothing. When in doubt, stay silent. It will serve you better than questioning and wondering.

[Blue Spiral]

For me, getting back together is more of a long-term hope. I'm quietly working and waiting, and I doubt it'll happen (for a variety of reasons, mainly having to do with my own issues), but I'm trying to stay optimistic.

[loulou37]

For me, getting back together is more of a long-term hope. I'm quietly working and waiting, and I doubt it'll happen (for a variety of reasons, mainly having to do with my own issues), but I'm trying to stay optimistic.

 

well that's all we can do, is stay optimistic...

 

Good luck to you on your journey, keep us updated yea?

 

loulou x

[SmilingKatty]

Hi all!

I really like this forum: link removed

It does have quite strict set of rules for its members, but it has lot´s of positive life stories starting after a terrible breakups: eventually everyone has just moved on, reconciled or is happy with a new partner. It gives me lots of strenght and inspiration. So definitelly try to have a look!

[loulou37]

Hi all!

I really like this forum: link removed

It does have quite strict set of rules for its members, but it has lot´s of positive life stories starting after a terrible breakups: eventually everyone has just moved on, reconciled or is happy with a new partner. It gives me lots of strenght and inspiration. So definitelly try to have a look!

 

Thank you smilingkatty i'll go have a look!!

 

loulou x

[loulou37]

Here's one for you all...this is a post by SuperDave71 on another forum...you can find more by him if you have a look around

 

link removed

 

loulou x

[dumPI]

First of all I think it's important to know the definitions.

 

What is "healing"? What is "moving on"?

For me "healing" is when you don't suffer the severe pain post BU. "Moving on" is getting busy with your life, focusing on you and your needs, becoming who you were or improving who you were (which maybe played its role in the BU).

Does healing and moving on mean forgetting? Not for me.

 

I was thinking why those people meeting years down the road and giving each other another chance make it work. I think it's because both are healed from the previous interaction and thus they start something which feels completely new. Maybe one or both had other RS which ended bad and their feelings of pain are towards that last RS and not the previous. So the mental counter is reset to zero, then they meet and everything starts again from nothing.

 

My idea is that when you heal you are in a better position to try again, whether you contact them or they contact you. Breadcrumbs won't have any effect if you are 100% healed. We read many posters here confused trying to get the meaning of a particular text or event. If you are 100% healed you'd be confident enough to say I know what I want and it's trying again. Do you want that?" and once again if you are truly healed you won't care about the outcome of it. You won't care about missing that "last" chance.

 

If you are healed then you know there is the possibility that the relationship never has a second chance. Why? Because they might find someone else. You have to accept that. And you just can accept it if you are healed.

 

I was speaking to some friends on how I felt ready to go to my ex and say: "Look, we've been X months apart from each other. We know we can live without each other. I don't need you, you don't need me but I WANT you as a part of my life" and don't care about the outcome. If she says NO, what's the deal? I wouldn't be losing her then, I already lost her 3 months ago. Plus, during this time apart I've been working a lot on myself, my self-confidence, seeing the bigger picture & knowing that EVERYTHING WILL BE OK, I'll find other girls, I'll be attracted to them, they will be attracted to me. Why? Because I deserve it as everyone does. Put the focus in you to heal. You deserve a lot of good things and not just from that particular person who once left you.

 

If you TRULY believe this and it means it's rooted in your brain, it's a part of your inner game, you won't have expectations. Come what may! You may get back together and it will be amazing or you will meet someone else and it will be amazing too. Why? Because deep inside you know one specific person can't mean so much. You are who you are, your worth doesn't depend on that specific person loving you.

 

Will I go to my ex now and tell her? NO, I feel very much healed but I also feel it's not her time so I am giving her a lot more of time, I'm avoiding resentment, I 'm keeping in my mind all the good things which made me fall in love and just letting her go while I keep doing with my life. I know I can love that girl, she has to get to know if she can love me. Just now she can't.

 

I may speak to her in 6 months, 1 year, 2 years, 3 years or NEVER cause someone out there can appear in my life tomorrow ... and either of it's gonna be OK. It REALLY is.

[IRefuseToSink]

^I LOVE this post!

[loulou37]

First of all I think it's important to know the definitions.

 

What is "healing"? What is "moving on"?

For me "healing" is when you don't suffer the severe pain post BU. "Moving on" is getting busy with your life, focusing on you and your needs, becoming who you were or improving who you were (which maybe played its role in the BU).

Does healing and moving on mean forgetting? Not for me

 

I love what you wrote here...you hit the nail on the head, a lot of people think that if you want your ex back you are not moving on with your life, you are sitting, waiting, pining for them, that is so far from the truth...i have probably done more in the 5 months since BU than my ex, in fact i know i have, cos he's told me what he's been up to...yea i break down sometimes but that's inevitable if you've lost the person you love...

 

loulou x

[skippy10]

I love what you wrote here...you hit the nail on the head, a lot of people think that if you want your ex back you are not moving on with your life, you are sitting, waiting, pining for them, that is so far from the truth...i have probably done more in the 5 months since BU than my ex, in fact i know i have, cos he's told me what he's been up to...yea i break down sometimes but that's inevitable if you've lost the person you love...

 

loulou x

 

The irony and craziness of it all is that what we want the most, often hurts us in the same way. I guess that's why we take the emotional risk!! We think it's worth it for the potential happiness we stand to gain and therefore we are willing to pay a great price.

[dumPI]

I love what you wrote here...you hit the nail on the head, a lot of people think that if you want your ex back you are not moving on with your life, you are sitting, waiting, pining for them, that is so far from the truth...i have probably done more in the 5 months since BU than my ex, in fact i know i have, cos he's told me what he's been up to...yea i break down sometimes but that's inevitable if you've lost the person you love...

 

loulou x

 

Well I'd say you can want them and move on but if you maintain contact, it will be more difficult to move on with your life. That's where I see NC helping to focus on yourself. I've been thinking a lot about how getting back together works and what prevents it from happening. I've never been there (yet ... not even tried) so I've been just thinking after so much reading on books and forums.

 

To me, the key of it all is SELF-ESTEEM and SELF-CONFIDENCE. Everything else is related to them. I'll try to explain.

 

What does prevent us from getting back together with an ex? We all would answer at once: "my ex, her/his feelings are preventing me to get back together. He/she doesn't love me, there is nothing to do, ... yada yada". It might be true.

 

But what about our hurt ego? What about our expectations? What about fear from feeling emotional pain again? What about fear from feeling rejection again? What about fear of feeling they are the one and only and we'll lose them forever?

 

So who is preventing us from TRYING to get back together? Ourselves, our post break up pain, our state of hurry (" ... or she might forget about me"), our negative (yet perfectly understandable at that point) thoughts.

 

Why building a good SELF-ESTEEM is the key?

Wikipedia says "Self-esteem is a term in psychology to reflect a person's overall evaluation or appraisal of her or his own worth. Self-esteem encompasses beliefs (for example, "I am competent", "I am worthy") and emotions such as triumph, despair, pride and shame: some would distinguish how 'the self-concept is what we think about the self; self-esteem, the positive or negative evaluation of the self, is how we feel about it."

 

I'll write some questions which helped me while putting the focus back on me.

 

Do you recognise your own worth? Do you love who you are? Do you understand no man or woman is better/in a higher position than you? Do you think you deserve to be loved in a good relationship? Do you think you deserve a good/loyal/loving/caring partner? Do you REALLY believe that? Cause if you really believe that you will see that you DON'T HAVE TO SETTLE for less, you'll see that when you love someone, IT'S YOU WHO ARE GIVING THEM THE OPPORTUNITY TO GET TO KNOW YOU, TO GET TO KNOW SOMEONE WONDERFUL AS YOU ARE.

 

Change all those: "my ex is so .... (list of good qualities)" to "wow, what an amazing person I am. I am loving, caring, ... (list of all your good traits)". That's, once again, putting the focus on US and the effect is both putting them down the pedestal which means "no problem if you don't love me cause I love myself enough" and turning our needy love for them into a choice: "I don't need you. I know how worth I am with or without you. But, I want you". And so we don't seek love out of neediness or validation. It's a conscious choice. "I made the choice to love you, will you make the choice to love me?"

 

And now it's the turn to SELF-CONFIDENCE. Once SELF-ESTEEM is high, you know your worth and you'll feel great with yourself, you'll feel you have options in your life and they were one of them (maybe you already started attracting new people) so this particular outcome REALLY doesn't matter. You won't wait, you won't feel hurt again. You'll feel you can re-attract them given the right timing and conditions but if it doesn't happen you won't pair it with your worth. It won't set you back to the post break up position if you have worked enough in yourself.

 

In the end getting back depends on two people but you can do your best to find yourself with the right mindset in case they contact you or even with the mindset that lets you contact them no matter what.

 

Do you REALLY believe you can achieve that mindset?

[g1llybabes]

Just an update from me,

i didnt send the thank you text. I understood what you were all saying about that.

During our conversation he asked what I would be doing later. I am a singer and do musical theater, so I had rehearsal but I have been asked to sing at my nieces funeral so told him I was trying to find the right song.

He text me at 7.30 with a song suggestion his text was " Fields of Gold Eva Cassidy" then two minutes later a text " xxxxxxxxx"

I didnt reply straight away, but I just replied with something funny that happened at rehearsal and a thank you for his song suggestion.

He has just replied back with " your welcome angel you wanna chat in a bit later?xxx"

 

this seems positive to me but Im still being aware. What do you think?

[dumPI]

The irony and craziness of it all is that what we want the most, often hurts us in the same way. I guess that's why we take the emotional risk!! We think it's worth it for the potential happiness we stand to gain and therefore we are willing to pay a great price.

 

Maybe that's the problem. The mindset should be: "What I want the most is someone who truly wants me the most. Is he/she wanting me the most? ... then why should I?"

 

Of course we are unable to achieve this mindset quickly after a break up.

[g1llybabes]

Hey dumPI I am new here so forgive me if I speak out of turn. Im just getting used to how people share things here.

 

I dont agree in all cases that you unable to achieve so fast, my situation as you can follow from my posts could be different.

I understand that the magnitude of whats happened to me in 3 days is huge and doesnt normally happen ( i got dumped, lost my job and my 4yr old niece got killed). But I am all to aware of what mistakes I made by living in the past. I have also learnt very quickly that life is too short not to love yourself. I would love it if he came back to start a new relationship with me. But if he didnt then I know it must not be meant to be. I would never forgive myself if I didnt try to start again with him. I say new relationship as I dont think I could ever be the same person again. My life burnt down into a huge mess. But I will be a phoenix and rise from the ashes of the mess.

Im here looking for advice on making sure I dont make mistakes with my communication problem (too much being suffocating) plus its good to hear if others think the same as I do or if I am just getting over excited. Its good to look objectively at things and others opinions help to either enforce your own or look at the other side of the coin.

Take the thank you text for example. I saw it as being appreciative of his support- others saw it as if it was a reason to get a reply from him and crowd him again, to look for validation.

If he does not want me the most then I have to resign to the fact that isnt good enough for me.

[playstheblues]

I agree loulou!! I also did NC for 2 months, 1 of those months was because I needed some space and time myself. However, I also prefer being in contact because, even if we never get back together, I care too much about him to just cut him out of my life altogether.

 

I'm currently in No contact and it's been almost one month. However, I'm not confident that we will be getting back together because my ex has said 'we will not be getting back tgether' after months of saying we might try to work things out when He felt better.

 

I wish things had worked out differently but he seems to be fine now and his actions now- partying, going out, drinking, dating a lot, reconnecting with old friends etc tell me that he wants this new life he has chosen, not the life we made together for 9 years. I thought he would want to come black and try to work things out because we were best friends, loved each other and had a trusting and solid relationship - turns out the single life and the butterflies and honeymoon phase is more important to him.

 

I still love this thread and hearing about you guys and the positive steps towards Reconciliation. I'm rooting for you all. I don't think everyone should just forget their ex and move on- indeed how can that be done when you think they are 'the one' you could spend your life with. I'll be watching and crossing my fingers for you all whilst missing my ex dearly but trying to let go because I'm not what he wants.

[theface71]

 

I read this in blase harris' book....

 

Quote: your friends and aquintances may have assured you that there is more than one fish in the sea, more than one grain of sand on the beach. Those words are true, but empty! you are in love with a particular fish in the sea and a particular grain of sand.

 

loulou x

 

That is a quote I would love to show to some of my friends who have used the same cliche to me in the recent months. Most of my friends are married and are no longer 'dating' so they are kind of removed from the pain of what it is like to lose somebody that has made an impact on their life. Glad to see somebody gets it.

[CindyTime]

Wow! What a great thread! You just started it this morning, and already at page 10? I've been reading for the past 15 minutes just trying to get through it all.

 

Thank you for starting this. I sometimes feel scared to post and say things here and I'm glad to see something so positive.

 

I come here because it seemed to be a safe place where I could talk about my feelings, my attempts at moving forward, my weaknesses, etc.... Sometimes I am not looking for advice...Sometimes I just want someone to listen. I have read the threads, listened to advice, and I know I'm not perfect at this, but I'm here because I know I'm not perfect. And one day I will be in a much better place and won't need to be here.

 

I am also in contact with my exBF. He is talking to another woman now too. And to make it even worse, I was the person who initiated the original break-up. GASP! I feel like I have the plague. I am the dumper. I am not maintaining NC. And my exBF is talking to someone else.

 

I don't know if there are others like me here - sometimes it feels lonely and scary being the dumper. (In all fairness though, we had issues in our R that we both know we should have been working on. I was just the one who had the guts to call it quits.)

 

I broke a lot of the rules when I got up the nerve to talk to him (after 4 months). I know I'm supposed to maintatin NC, but he and I travel in the same circles, and unless I change churches and change friends, I need to learn how to be around him. For now I am trying NIC, and it's working well.

 

I come here to vent and express what I'm feeling, and at the same time I am trying to move on with my life. I don't want to wait around to see if he figures it out, but I know I'm not there yet. Someday.

 

I don't know if he and I will ever have another shot. But if there ever will be an "us" it would have to start as friends. I can live with that.

 

Besides, we had an amicable BU, never lost contact, and he really is a good guy. The kind of guy you'd want to be friends with, even if he wasn't your BF.

 

Okay, I just wanted to stop by and say GREAT THREAD! Thank you for getting this started. I think some of us needed this!

[loulou37]

Thanks for coming to post Cindy, i started the thread as i too needed support, i had spoken to a few people that were in the same situation as me, that like you and i (to be honest) had become a little too nervous to post in fear of getting negative responses..i just feel like the "move on" "go NC" just doesn't cut it! i think majority of us have done NC but now we are out the other side, we need advice in where we go from here, we are in contact with our ex's and it's so important to "US" to get it right...We are not sitting round being a little lap dogs, waiting for every text and call...we are getting on with our lives...

 

And it goes to show that even the "Dumpers" hurt, they don't always leave cos they fell out of love with us, sometimes things go wrong in the relationship and they had no choice but to leave...

 

 

Let's all give each other support and not criticism, this thread actually got me through the day yesterday...so thank you to everyone {{{{hugs}}}}

 

keep posting!!!

 

love loulou x

[loulou37]

Another little something from Blase Harris:

 

You are told, "you can't make it happen." Or "if it's meant to be, it would be." Such statements are as absurd as, If you were meant to be a piano player, you would be able to play Bach as soon as you sat down to a piano."

 

loulou x

[skippy10]

Another little something from Blase Harris:

 

You are told, "you can't make it happen." Or "if it's meant to be, it would be." Such statements are as absurd as, If you were meant to be a piano player, you would be able to play Bach as soon as you sat down to a piano."

 

loulou x

 

Howard Jones-"Things Can Only Get Better"

 

We're not scared to lose it all

Security throw through the wall

Future dreams we have to realize

A thousand skeptic hands

Won't keep us from the things we plan

Unless we're clinging to the things we prize

 

And do you feel scared - I do

But I won't stop and falter

And if we threw it all away

Things can only get better

Whoa, whoa whoa whoa oh oh

[pippy longstocking]

skippy I hope your still on fat bird and doughnut watch

 

thanks again for this thread loulou , I don't feel to sharp today and it was the fist thing I looked for

 

 

And it goes to show that even the "Dumpers" hurt, they don't always leave cos they fell out of love with us, sometimes things go wrong in the relationship and they had no choice but to leave...[/quoote]

 

nail ..head ....

[skippy10]

Star: The Buffet Table has been secured by Weight Watcher Guards with ammo!!

[loulou37]

Howard Jones-"Things Can Only Get Better"

 

We're not scared to lose it all

Security throw through the wall

Future dreams we have to realize

A thousand skeptic hands

Won't keep us from the things we plan

Unless we're clinging to the things we prize

 

And do you feel scared - I do

But I won't stop and falter

And if we threw it all away

Things can only get better

Whoa, whoa whoa whoa oh oh

 

Love it skippy!! yes i feel scared....but i won't stop or falter either

 

loulou x

[loulou37]

skippy I hope your still on fat bird and doughnut watch

 

thanks again for this thread loulou , I don't feel to sharp today and it was the fist thing I looked for

 

 

And it goes to show that even the "Dumpers" hurt, they don't always leave cos they fell out of love with us, sometimes things go wrong in the relationship and they had no choice but to leave...[/quoote]

 

nail ..head ....

 

Hi shooting star, i woke up feeling a little low but i came straight on here, looked up the thread and felt better

 

I have been cleaning my house, stripping the beds and getting it tidy, i felt so low the past 2 weeks, i suffer terribly with PMS, as you know i braved it to the docs yesterday and she has put me on something...hopefully i'll be back to normal asap, whatever normal is lol.

 

Also i loved the posts by cindy and dumPI..straight from the heart to the hand!!

thanks for your input guys.

 

loulou x

[lanaa]

oh 10 pages already