Learning in College, second chance...

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An intro..I have gone back to school this spring after taking two years off. Two years of doing nothing really.

 

But fortunately, I was able to secure financial aid and got accepted back into my previous school. I admit I was not a good student back then. I crammed all the knowledge I could right before my exams. Now i'm applying all these techniques I wished I had done the first time around. And this is what this journal is about. Pushing myself to be disciplined, to learn something everyday, to be responsible, to be somewhat professional, see how far I can push myself, to take on life fully and all out, other stuff, and at the same time to take it easy and just chill...just take it all in, pull myself up, enlighten myself, just become a better person...educated, better at thinking critically, knowing how to analyze properly, knowing how to see the big picture in things, making better judgement calls, learn to better myself and others, help out in the community...so many benefits college truly offers.

 

One of my problems is that since I didn't fully apply myself the first time around in college, I missed a lot of the main points and good informative knowledge from my classes. This is my LAST year and these classes are comprehensive of all that I should have learned. Next semester will also be my internship where I am to demonstrate the knowledge i've gained in direct practice. God help me!

 

I feel I am the weakest link in all of my classes! Dammit! High School never even prepared me close to what college work is really like!! Or again I had so much on my mind then, just like college my first time around. Just regret not fully putting in the attention school required from me...This is such a great opportunity and I am fortunate to have such a chance, and at a great university...

 

So you are over 24 years of age, look into applying for FAFSA (financial aid) because over that age you are considered an "independent." This means they do not take into account what your parents make when calculating the funds you are eligible for. I was able to secure loans and a grant totaling exactly what my housing and tuition would cost!

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Its 4 am and I have not read any of the articles I prepared to read for today. I haven't kept with a good sleeping schedule, and today has been the worse. i have been on average less than 6 hours of sleep every day. Last night I slept for only 3 hours. I took a nap later that day, but now looks like i'll only get two hours of sleep only if I want to get some more reading done before my class tomorrow!

 

It's my fault..i've let this laptop i've rented out today distract me. But it was searching for something to prepare me for an activity will do in class tomorrow that is really making me anxious.

 

I have to put myself out as we practice some communication skills involving values and ethics and stuff...things that are over my head right now.

 

I was never good at it before.

 

But i'm having that "oh man i'm screwed kind of feeling" that almost makes me just give up...i'm losing steam right about now. I've kept up with all my readings for the most part, but I take forever reading an article! When i try to really understand it it takes me hours to read just one article! And then i'm in class, and i'm not even sure I get everything! Its normal sure..but its only the beginning and already I am feeling lost...what will happen as we keep moving?

 

yes i have to move right along with it! I'm telling myself not to worry so much, and stick to my plan...I've planned out my study hours for the next few days.

 

I'm attempting now to get ahead of my readings so I will have time to review them and give myself the chance to look up something I didn't understand in my readings the day before the class.

 

I am already stressed!!!!

 

Oh man...ahhhh. ahhhhhhh. ahhh!

 

Thanks enotalone community. I get to express when I can't anywhere else. (until my counseling starts!)

 

We'll see what happens in class. I plan on keeping tabs on my behavior in class and what i'm thinking, and what actually happens, and at the same time observe how the others behave and act. Doing this I can see what went wrong (because yes I will do something wrong!!) and give me a direction on how I can get better at it.

 

Something i'm thinking about now is that I might be "egocentric"..like thinking about myself too much...

 

And it blocks me someway on seeing the big picture of things..of life...blocks me from just being one with everyone...just being myself...

 

I still hide myself, because there's still things I don't like and don't want others to see. I need though to be self aware, know my own quirks, but won't these come out from others reaction to me? We define ourselves through others...i'm having problems interpreting it.

 

I'm thinking too much again...I need to sleep. Taking care of the basic things like sleeping, hygiene, good mind, high spirit, eating healthy, are the most important thing when it comes to ourselves!! And when we are good, then we are good to others..

 

I am falling on that too! But time to straighten it out! Accept what will have to be left behind FOR NOW.

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Personally, i'm learning that i get distracted easily! And lately been getting sleepy a lot throughout the day. I'm trying not to rely on coffee!! So i gave in and closed my eyes...but i'm still keeping up with my readings somehow! I'm reading them, but I confess i'm probably not fully taking in the information. I see it, I understand it, but i don't know how to make use of it..esp for my group class. I'm studying social work and taking classes on social work with groups and social welfare policy, and also intro to asian american studies and american studies...thats all.

 

I just looked at my old facebook pictures of me that were tagged in the past...I haven't been active in 3 years or so. But oh my! They're hilarious drunk pictures, all of them! Yup that was college my first time around. People didn't get that i'm a silly goose, and just saw this "exotic" "black beauty" (i'm dark skinned)...and would probably think of grace when seeing me, but my did i surprise people cuz i am far from that! I wasn't brought up to be that way...my ma is somewhat of a tomboy, and my dad is a cowboy. Doesn't do things "properly.." He's hilarious like that.

 

I'm just a normal silly kid, who does dumb stuff, and enjoy laughing about it with friends..i guess some can think i was a hoe for my promiscous ways...when really, shiitt, boys just came, i admit i was weak! But not no more...like so easily at least. I was cruel to some, and some were cruel to me...so i've changed my ways! I've learned to appreciate the better things in life, like life itself...so much more than all that inside stuff.

 

And it helps i've stopped wearing make up, don't do manicures, pedicures, let my armpit hair grow wild, and gained weight, which i'm losing now...but aren't those really normal???! But i guess people are just saying i could use my looks as an advantage, but i'll try first with my mind....i might regret this in the future??? and change my mind on this??? i am idealistic about my being in this country.....

 

Now things are different.

 

I still get easily distracted. Here i am...and i can't maintain focus on researching background on these hard articles i have to read about racism, racialization....

 

So immigration and citizenship, and their ties to social and political rights...and racialization thrown in that mix....i'm getting the sense that its about how just "others" are not fully given these rights? And there's something about how welfare state, and the Right Wings notion of pushing back on it is really pushing back on citizenships for others???

 

Am I getting this...i am for the first time fully getting exposed to the "American" culture, beyond the microcosm of my nuclear home and ethnic community i grew up in...i'm learning as i'm going right now! I've heard stuff, but they are fuzzy....

 

I admit i've always sensed there is this "otherness" about me, and the same for "white" people...i've grown up with stereotypes thrown against me...and i believe I have this sense of a little bit of resentment to white people which i'm not fullly sure where it stems from...

 

When interacting interpersonally with "white" people, I do my certain best to do it with respect and manners as i was brought up. I'm just saying as a whole I see them as evil or something! Like they are, unknowingly, unconsciously, which is worse in my opinion, trying to keep me down, me meaning the "minorities." But I don't fully understand this sense of communion with other "minorities" when we come from different places and culture! But its a horizontal connection. Created from "whites" identification of themselves through their view of "others." They're strong, cuz other's are weak (humble), they are macho, cuz others are "feminine"...etc...

 

 

I don't want to look at "whites" like this! How do i deal with my own biases?? I feel the need to so I can look at things in discussion during class, and anywhere else for that matter, with as much objectivity, and leave my emotions out of it!!

 

 

I want to convince, through a persuasive argument, not through pleading! I want to give concrete facts, examples, for changes to be made, again, not to plead...for the "white" power to play nice! That's unrealistic, not that they are not capable but that it is so entrenched and institutionalized that you gotta fight the system through the system that made it that way...

 

Something like that....

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This is about my learning...whats going on my mind, how i see things, what i get from it, etc, when i am learning. But what i am learning is also so interesting i made a blogsite of me trying to say back in words things i have learned in class, on the subjects itself not on me, which this one on enotalone does...

 

I want to say now that it is crude. especially it contains some of my own thoughts...

 

I'm an ignorant person, but i am doing it. and gonna let the process of education do its thing, given i'm really putting what i got into it all..

 

link removed

 

any feedbacks would be a delight, what you think of things in it...i value it.

 

i value you i value me

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Man.

 

Here I am again, in the same tight spot as before. I've accumulated through procastination and my "perfectionism", along with so much of my fears of "success" and fear of becoming known to "imperfect" and my uncomfortableness in being so "vulnerable" has brought me here again. Thats my analysis. I'll keep it real with myself...

 

I have yet to write my rough draft for my policy paper that was due last Thursday. And I have yet to write my resume that was due also last week.

 

And now i'm confronted with all the work I must do to make it this semester. I am behind.

 

I am frustrated, discouraged, and feeling low about myself right about now. And I don't have anyone to really blame but for myself.

 

At this point I must remind myself of my power of choice and autonomy. I still have choices...

 

Its 3am now. I've put writing my brief since 10 pm. Really this whole day. I went to sleep after class today telling myself that i'll need it when I write my paper.

 

But i haven't written it. Instead I did read more articles on social justice, and then I read articles on Perfectionism and procastination. Funny...i knew it all already, I just gotta do it. Out of my own free will and choice.

 

I am either going to quit real now...or accept my fate and do the best I can at this point---i've made the mistake and now I will deal with the consequences.

 

I'll write my resume right now. Just needed to let this out.

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I question my social life. I question who am I? What sets me apart from others? Besides my History, and experiences, what else sets me apart...

 

My professor commented that I was a "thinker.."

 

And since that it has me thinking of what I want to do...what work I am to do.

 

Before this questioning, I figured, I would just land whatever job came at me after after receiving my bachelors. Kind of..a trust in the Lord for the direction, by allowing what is in front of me, the oppurtunity that presents itself to dictate where I go, without going to say that I would take the initiative to take the steps necessary to take me there....

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Last week of the spring semester.

 

So here i am, trying to type up a paper at the library that was actually due a week after spring break, but my kind and understanding professor gave me an extension on the deadline. I've brought up how this topics and issues this paper has brought up have become somewhat personal, and at the same time real complex for me to understand. I have tried, mostly on my own, to understand the issues around it and i've told her so. She allowed me to have the extension for this, of course I have communicated with her about it.

 

Now I'm still here, trying to have finished product, on an issue I am no expert on. But I guess this is just an assignment to do and complete--I am trying to make it into a lifetime project! I have enjoyed the quest for facts, information, and understanding. That last one I have yet to grasp--its all still an idea.

 

Just a clue its on Arizona's ban-Ethnic Studies Act aka HB 2281--

 

Politics, research, and writing have not really been an interest of mine before, and so naturally i kinda sucked at it. But this specific bill and the issues surrounding it have really captured my interest, and I have come to a better understanding about politics, research, and writing than I have ever had in my educational career!!

 

What truly an impact it can make when one can relate to the subjects taught---I never connected in the past because of my background, we are "foreigners" and have never taken interest in the politics of this nation, mainly we did not have much knowledge and we did not feel any immediate or nonimmediate impact it would have in our lives--

 

My parents were here to work, and we lived to be educated by this nation's system--and be exposed to the "oppurtunities" in this country---

 

It sounds real good the "American" dream--but for those coming from "developing" countries it is truly wonderful because it is compared to the constant presence of poverty the homelands back home.

 

Now what does that really say about the "American" dream?

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I didn't mean to get sorta philosophical and social on my last entry--

 

More I wanted to record how tight I am in this last week of school. I have not completed everything---I am behind big time--

 

As always--nothing new.

 

But what is new about it is my attitude, and that I want to praise the power of the mind and its effect on our feelings and well-being.

 

I'm talking about how what we think about our situations can really affect our attitude, and thus affect the experiences we have---

 

I am okay--i am not freaking out, judging myself for my downfalls and shortcomings, I am not criticizing myself so harshly, to the point I get that numb feeling, and that "dread" that comes over my body, and I force myself to do things drugdginly, and then in it all I pity myself for having brought myself to that situation and for feeling the way that I am feeling, for not being "strong" enough...etc...

 

Damn our capitalist individualistic culture imperneating into our minds!!

 

I damn it because it creates dichotomies on my mind, of what is right and wrong, of should and should not, of normal and not normal....

 

WHEN REALLY THERE IS NO RIGHT OR WRONG ANSWER.

 

I trust in myself, and ultimately the higher powers, God, inside of me will truly be in control and run things in their natural course.

 

Not me. I am just being me.

 

I can and will deal with what may come--of the consequences of the actions I have CHOSEN to take----knowing though the ultimate are out of my control, I still have freedom to create in this world.

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I am towards the end of Cather in the Rye by J.D. Salinger. I relate to the main character's cynicism about the people around him and their "phoniness." I often have thoughts that some people out there are kiddin themselves and are fools when I put all these thoughts I have of them together in light of moments and instances I witness before me. For example, when I see someone within a group laughing with the others, I think look at them sucking up or look at them all really being uncomfortable with one another. When really I have no idea what's going on with them, and whats in their head. They are just my assumptions, and fortunately, sometimes, I catch myself and then I try to be objective in those moments, and try to be in the present instead of being in my head again.

 

After a while reading this book without finishing it through yet (mistake? impatience?), I got curious about the purpose of the authors purpose for writing the book from the main character's point of view and why even write about this crazy cynical dude? What was his point? I checked out cliff notes online on the book, and find out that this guys all messed up, basically.

 

The guys depressed, and I related, I've been in his shoes. I flunked out of a semester once.

 

And even up to now I still have strong tendencies to isolate and alienate myself...curious now how the story ends.

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I am completely anxious about contacting my "potential" future supervisor again. I need to go over with her over the phone, since I am back home now, a checklist we were given out from the school that lists projects, and expectations from me and the supervisor.

 

I am afraid of talking to her. I get all nervous and mess up, basically. I can't think straight. I am thinking she must hate me. Or at least thinks i'm weird. And i'm thinking I am being weird...

 

You see I believe that I have a communication problem and I am not sure how to address it. No one has told me this, but it's just what I think...okay i'll keep that in mind. Its just me... but I guess I just wish to improve upon it, and i get in that "*sigh I wish I can talk better....to others...*sigh again" mood. What is this mood? "If only..." mood and then I get depressed cuz it means I lack them, it means I suck, it means i'm a "loser..."

 

And then "my life sucks" some more because....because....I feel "inadequate."

 

And what am I suppose to do?

 

This is life.

 

When I sign off here, I will contact her. I will "just do it." And hope it goes well and get relief...

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I've begun my new and final semester. This is the time now to present the final accumulation of all the skills I should have mastered so far.

 

How I am struggling here, not having mastered them.

 

The classes went by so fast, I was usually playing catch-up.

 

I've hurt my experience by past mistakes. There was time-mismanagement, emotional roller coasters, shame of ignorance, excitement of learning, general mistrust of others and myself, and also a general ignorance of so many things I was ashamed of asking about, and not really having anyone to speak to about such things and offer good advice...

 

I turned away from my family in the past. I've had so much resentment in my heart for them, that I could not go to them anymore. I've also held my resentment towards the outside world and it's injustices. For one, do i blame porn for seeing it when I was just a child and influencing my mind, behavior forever, and blame my parents for not protecting me from it. Men were allowed to stay in our home when I was young, single bachelors, who would watch such things. Nevermind there were young girls living in the house too. My mother was away. I don't remember where my father was. out and about town somewhere. My grandparents were suppose to be watching me, but i'm sure they were caught up else where. Who knows how to handle a bunch of rowdy young bachelors.

 

And I blame the poverty of my country, that my mother had to leave to work. I've placed my anger upon "Americans" for having sucked the wealth and richness away from other countries, and have been the main benefactors. I hate how others have been left behind...

 

I know I must place my worries upon God, I do trust him, and believe in God.

 

Yet, there is pain m my heart.

 

I am battling my disillusionment of the world, that it is loving.

 

It is not. It is not all it is.

 

All I know is the non-loving, uncaring part hurts like hell.

 

And the love is what carries me forward.

 

Now what does this mean on how my life is to be lived?

 

I ask all these because this remains a core in the work I am to do. I understand the need to be positive in this job, clients are here for positive change, that is what we provide, not an answer to life. (!!need to keep this in mind!!!)

 

Now on how to live...........I want to conclude that hurting others must be avoided. I can't help but be hurt, but can I avoid actions that will hurt others???

 

So is that a basic philosophy in life, to live it not hurting anyone.

 

Now how to do that...to live a life where it is focused on "building up" self and others, (Love).

 

Must then everything I do, build up? Now it sounds like a lot of hard work to think of the the different cases and situations life brings you, and how you can analyze them all differently, and come to different conclusions how to have done the most good, avoided the most hurt to anyone.

 

So I assume then that it is my heart I must use, and intuition, in every case, situation, and scenario...it is to cater to that most in need, it is to serve others? To act out of love no matter what I choose to do, how i choose to serve. Jesus had the "power to heal." It places me in such a helpless situation unable to do such things.

 

How do I serve this world? Use of "listening" skills. That though I even need work on.

 

"Work" conflicts with my basic life philosophy. It requires me to "think" about it.

 

I AM STRESSED OUT.

 

I just want to sleep...There's all this work. And right now I don't care about them.

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Other thoughts are on "protection" and "self defense", and "defensive mechanisms."

 

Another conclusion i've come down to is that we must protect ourselves, in a way that protects others. We can't expect others to look out for our own well being because we know ourselves more than anyone else can.....

 

Right...

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Whew. Its past the middle of the semester.

 

I am still here! YES! I have made it this far..

 

I do feel like I am just hanging on though, because I am currently behind on a deadline for one assignment (accumulating negative points now), i haven't started writing my big paper due next week, I have not even thought about a presentation I have in 3 days, I have not planned activities/exercise for a 2 hour meeting in 2 days, and I have not done any planning activities for a huge 3 hour event happening in 2 weeks, and I have not been journaling.

 

AH!

 

I am kicking my behind for not having made the decision to invest in a laptop for this semester so I could have done some writing and research at home. Thats part of my explanation why I am not as able to research.

 

Much of the assignments I have not done before, so i need to do some research to make sure I am doing them correctly, but have been unable to. And I get stuck because I don't know if my ideas are right or wrong.

 

I am suspicious that I am unsure of myself, i lack confidence. Part of it also is that I want to do a GOOD job, but if I just do it at this rate, at my capabilities without referring to other sources than it will suck.

 

My main resource right now I can refer to is the campus uni library.

 

The thing is for the month of October I've gotten tired of staying over the library after doing a day's work at my internship.

 

I guess I can say that the work at internship is not that hard, its more being an assistant to my supervisor...just following directions...not really having to make decisions, and occasionally writing reports, assessments, etc...that should be it...(BUT I find myself thinking beyond it all, "I THINK TOO MUCH" seems to be a theme in my life when it comes to "school work" which is ironic because I am here to fkn think.) I'm just tired of being thought "HOW" to think and "WHAT" to think in college....it's like i can't really think about anything else really besides what they have laid out for me to think about........

 

But there's so many things I observe out there to think about...what did i get myself into. Its all good though its about to be done!!

 

So college is about practicing your writing, thinking, and reading skills. These skills are helpful in working in society to communicate to mass amount of people and make set systems run smoothly. But it is a bit conforming...counterproductive to society's work of being innovative to solve societal problems...

 

It is just a machine I am being "trained" to be able to navigate and help keep running. The WORKING MACHINE....

 

sigh, what have we done? we've created a monster manifested in capitalism.

 

ANYWAYS-------government should just be the largest system around, not CORPORATIONS who care about bottom line ca$h money.

 

At least government is for settling solving problems between individuals, families, and communities to reach peace, and so everyone can grow healthy and reach their own potentials and self-fullfillment----

 

wow.

 

yeahh i didn't expect to rant like that...that's what happens every time I work on an assignment. YES EVERYTIME. how does everyone else do it. does this happen to you?

 

But to what I was saying....I am hanging on.

 

I'm not going to make an A as I expected since I am BEHIND on everything (story of my life)...but i am still going to try to do my very best on these assignments, get the most learning I can get, get the POINT of it all at the least, learn to where I can easily apply it to future jobs.

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I'm still feeling as if I am just hanging on! I wonder if in the "real world" i will be able to catch a hold of myself and just be not so late on everything!

 

Everything at this point is last minute!!! One thing after another...reflection here and there in between...being emotional a LOT lately!!

 

I have let my emotions take over---tell myself "go on, sleep some more" even though i have hella a lot of assignments and thinking to do!!!

 

I think too much, also. I have to think about everything I place on paper...and say to people. To make them okay...to pass.

 

I AM JUST PASSING AND IT IS STRESSFUL....PASSING METAPHORICALLY AND LITERALLY.

 

Metaphorically--like I know what I am doing, which requires a lot of outside, personal work to pull off.

 

And Literally as in my assignments are not up to par...yes given to my own standards.

 

AHH!

 

i CAN'T LET MYSELF SABOTAGE MYSELF NOW.

 

I have until next week until it will be over. for now.

 

What a stressful experience. I hate it, yet love it. I need it.

 

I am going forward, but I need to take that time to just live....man.

not sure exactly what i mean yet...but im just fullfilling the requirements necessary to get this diploma...

It sort of...vindicates me a little bit. In my familys eyes, and own community.

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First of all, given, they are not in the same city where I am attending school, they're like3 hours away drive.

 

True, we haven't kept in contact constantly these past years.

 

So I understand...

 

But i am really disappointed, I expected that they would know how much it has been a challenge for me to make it through.

 

I am still struggling!

 

Now i am struggle too if there is something wrong with me? I thought I was a good friend to them when we were really close...always listening and being there when I could.

 

We have known each other for a very long time, since we were young...

 

But I guess we have split apart...along these years.

 

Given I got myself in trouble, got locked up abroad for more than a year(stupid mistake) over the years, after experiencing a sexual assault I also cut off everyone from my life for at least a year--no one really knew, perhaps each one thought I cut them off only....but I cut off all of them, including family...I was depressed, and I hid it...i had to stop school...

 

Now I have gone through my own personal obstacles...alone...it seems i will also celebrate alone...

 

The exception....always is.....your family....your blood.

 

They have supported, more like my MOTHER has supported me....others went along with it...

 

And others who did not even know me personally, whom i never did anything for them, have supported me...my mother's friends...through how great my mother has been to people, they supported HER really by supporting me...

 

 

What a lesson really to learn, how to be a good friend...a real true good friend...

 

I guess those "niceties" really matter....

 

I was always forgetful...not calling back right away, not saying where I am, not thinking about others feelings about my actions....i've always been more intellectual than feeling...

 

It's a price I pay...

 

But damn. I've learned also who are good friends...Christians, real practicing ones....

 

I think a reassessment of what true friendship means and looks like is due....

 

So many endings have happened over these short years...and now what all i have known all my life is ending...academics...what a trip.

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I did it.

 

I made it.

 

I graduated!

 

I forced myself to do what was necessary...

 

Yet..it felt more like a business.

 

A service received, and no true learning. I'm not sure what I mean by that...maybe there wasn't that experience of building up something, whether through knowledge....it wasn't foundational...it feels more like bits and bits of pieces of knowledge. Information...I don't know.

 

But i made it, sure.

 

I feel so much better o be able to give this for my parents...

 

Yet extremely sad that it is for them.

 

Not for me.

 

I remain to not live my life. I remain to live it marginally. I yet remain still choose to live abstractly, to live without the real responsibility.

 

To just step in to do what's necessary---waiting till I can be alone and just lay down...and be numb.

 

Numbness has been such a need for me...

 

Yet later, I regret it...when I see, think of what COULD have been done....

 

Then convince myself, whatever..tomorrow.

 

I feel doomed. In despair.

 

To want a therapist too to help me.

 

I'm so poor.

 

I fear the judgements. And perhaps more of their potential truths. To still tell me I am a bad person, and there's nothing I can do about it. Since rather than be "challenged" by them, I am threatened by them, and in fear I quiver, that I cannot rise up above it.

 

Since rising up is to be "successful" in status, money, and fame. Why can't I just be ordinary?

 

And I answer myself--God did not make me ordinary. None of his creations are ordinary.

 

I just have to follow the path laid before me--

 

Yet my fears, and misunderstandings, of the workings of its surrounding, casts me down in protection, to hide, to just disappear.

 

Act as if they say is the trick---if timid, act with confidence....sure if i have done all I am suppose to already then I could...

 

But I believe i f'ed college up. Missed the real opportunities (e.g. learning something worthwhile, i just passed by knowing the general ideas, but no deeper---graduating was bought.

 

To be honest.

 

To be cont. I'm sleepy now.

 

This time is one of joy, yet sorrow. Joy that perhaps my "imagined" "problems" are soluble, not as bad....or i've managed to fool myself and others....at least its manageable, though costly in energy it has truly been....and for what--to just know the general idea? the basics? would have pushing myself to excel, pushed me over the edge? My using up all my energy, none left to heal? I wonder.

 

Sorrow for its joy came from sorrow.

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Just as I had claimed above a desire I had to just lay down and be numb, it has manifested throughout my life since I graduated last December.

 

Perhaps in total of at least 5 weeks, I have literally laid in bed, overate, and just watched Tele or read a book. I just laid down most of those days, only got up to use the restroom, cook a meal, get something to eat, or change the DVD.

 

It would last the most 2 weeks because eventually certain businesses and responsibilities that involves others can no longer be ignored, and I am manage to get them done.

 

Incredible.

 

It is soon to be March, already.

 

And I have not put out a resume yet at all.

 

I've worked on it, yet an adviser told me I need to work on my capabilities part. She's right. I just do not seem to know how to do that.

 

In my mind I am incapable.

 

Yet I have managed so far in life because of others' sight of potential within me.

 

And I go along with it, I trust them.

 

Yet, I don't really see it.

 

It is all so hard for me, that I would really rather avoid doing anything. It stresses me out.

 

How did I ever think that as an immigrant foreign born from an indigenous population with a farming simple background living in the U.S.A. for 19 years (i'm now 26) think they could rise up to be a social service "professional?"

 

I feel i've had to learn to manage a life outside of my home, and to manage my life here at home. Sometimes they seemed so opposite.

 

And in the midst of it all I had to learn to grow up, and develop my "self."

 

How do we look within from the outside perspective but with an insider view?

 

From it all, all I have developed is to think in GENERALS, in patterns, because the details and concrete are too much to know. I am overwhelmed and only made it this far in life through my generalizations.

 

I have never come to know real well any specifics.

 

Too much can i see the different perspectives, that who I am gets lost.

 

What do I think?

 

Have you heard of a "personal philosophy?"

 

I knew organizations have principles they are guided by, but I never really thought deep about it in a personal, individual level.

 

That's hard, for me.

 

It is personal principles that guide our lives and help us make ultimate decisions in complex situations.

 

Again, they would be general for me.

 

They are:

 

1. Integrity/honor/respect

2. Love.

3. Health.

4. Family.

 

They are not sophisticated at all. And I am already 26 years old.

 

No wonder I am so indecisive, procrastinate, and unguided.

 

In each situation I make decisions based on the context---Each is always so different. How do I figure out the real truths?

[starrrr]

I've come to realize that I procrastinate often any writing I am required to do....I put off all of my important papers in my classes last year until almost the last day of class. I've had to ask for extensions. Now I am pushing off writing a cover letter and completing my resume.

 

I often enjoy learning about subjects and thinking about various things, discovering things in the abstract, meanings, writing about personal experiences, trying to understand the truths of life, etc...but never anything quite specific, i.e. food, sport, whatever. All my writings are notes on what people are thinking, how they are, how I am, what I think.....

 

But when it comes to papers like reports or cover letters, I DREAD them.

 

Just now i've realized that perhaps my very low self esteem is a cause for my delays and avoidance. I do not think I am any good, and dread proving it my showing myself through an assignment. Ofcourse this has been unconsciously done, until now that is....

 

now i'm sad for myself for all i have missed from this way of thinking, have I held myself back all this time because I did not like myself? So what was my point of ever living? That would explain my thoughts and feelings that I did things for the sake of doing them, with no real meaning placed upon them. Would it also explain all my complacency...to everything.

 

Writing assignments are also hard because they are rigidly structured...i must produce something within a certain time.

 

But where does the low self esteem come from? I muse it's from something innate, an irrational belief that I am no good stemming from the shaming culture I grew up in and a critical father, and also from how slacked in school compared to what I can really do...

 

I do not have confidence in my self to go into the field I have studied....social work. Or just in the world in general...

 

What a twist because I do believe i am great, but that I am no good....as in someone bad can be great, and i suspect that's what I am.

 

But that is silly because I make who I am with every choice I now make from here and now. My past mistakes are just that. I've screwed up, and I am living with the consequences. But it doesn't define who I am ultimately.

 

Man my thinking have come absurd. It goes back and forth, back and forth from...i need reconciliation. I have a tendency when there is something wrong to make it right...to "fix" it which I end up really "covering up." Okay from that sentence we all do, but I mean I am quick about it, as if to avoid coming out that somehow I am at fault...it's a learned response I have when there is something awry, not right, I must "cover up." Perhaps that's from all my sneaking around. SO folks don't do it, sneak around, because ultimately you are hurting yourself. A guilty mind will always expose itself for the truth is the truth. You can't hide forever, and you don't even want to anyway....

 

Now i'm rambling along....

[starrrr]

I seem to have an agreement with the beliefs of critical theorists. For example, people are spending more and more time working and shopping and less time on reflective and revolutionary thinking.

 

I now know where these ideas in my head originated.

 

I have made such observations that my parents seem to work all the time and most of the activities we do together involved spending money, like on food and fees.

 

These thought gave me an answer and feeling that I am right, but when I reflect on it, it comes out as superficial. As if there is something still missing in the picture of how the world is.

 

It cannot be that lame....what is a better explanation....yes there is culture involved, yet humans are still capable of making choices for themselves....they are capable of learning and changing, and so, do not have to conform. All are different, but will they always be a majority? Is that always a bad thing? Do we really have control over the flow of things? Or do things happen as they happen?

 

For example, the civil rights movement happened! And there are many civil rights organizations that were born from it that continue to do changes, but not that big of a social change as the civil rights movement. Many things were in place to make it happen....

 

People just have to keep doing what it is that they do, be you, regardless of judgements.

 

Whats up with my new philosophy of “doing what you like to do.” This implies thought out actions, to be best that it can be thought out. Some things we like we are unconscious of the reasons, They are influenced by our environments and not by our own controlled faculties. Those are the unknown, and uncontrolled parts of our lives, when talking about the present.

 

How far do we stay away from the abstract when deciding what we like to do?

 

We cannot sit and think of “principles”, “laws”, to abide by no matter what....because it will make the world a better place.

 

Just be in the moment, and let the actions you take each moment in your life be a determinant of you who you really are. Not a list of what to do, and what not to do....

 

 

Take it moment for moment, and let the past determine the future accordingly.

 

Take in the abstract, but to have true knowledge and wisdom, one must take it with a grain of salt if one does not know it by experience, by their own lived past.

 

I question how can we live the abstracts? So how can we learn them first hand from experience?

 

They are theories.

 

But what about the here and now..........

 

Is it truly my beliefs that drive me to make the decisions I make, based off the desires of my ego to be satisfied, and be satisfied in standard of its own creativeness? What a circle it then makes.

 

Can i truly just base off my actions based off survival? To live, to be desired, to be considered legitimate, to be accepted by those that I believe I love and love me from those I know personally at the moment? And to not die, to continue to live?

 

Why am i here now writing this instead of doing anything else in the world......within my current environment. Why am i not sleeping? It is 4:20 in the morning.....

 

Where am i going with this??