My younger lover is having doubts...

[Arvine]

My girlfriend and I just cancelled our wedding plans, after more than 2 years together. She is 19 years younger than I am, and I am afraid that she ultimately fears that we are not compatible. We get along incredibly, but certain issues have compromised our mutual trust in each other (my issues have been financial security, her's sexual fidelity). Although this seems doomed/ no win, we have both committed (verbally) to giving it one last try. I must now decide if I can live with her expressed desire to "explore a sexual relationship" outside of ours. After 2 years of incredible communication, and 1.5 years of incredible sex (for both of us), she has been losing her sexual attraction to me, while I remain incredibly turned-on by her. I always feared that one day she may wonder if someone closer to her generation would have been available for her- and I feel that my fears have become reality. I am so hurt because although at times the age gap had been evident, her maturity, my youthfulness (and immaturity to some degree) and our intellectual/ spiritual connection seemed to minimize any other issues. I guess that this is the day of reckoning. But I am so sad, I feel so alone, like the one that I love is dying, that I have trouble right now looking past the pain...

[michael2361607306433]

hey,

 

YOU KNOW I WAS IN THE PLACE YOU ARE. I WAS DATING THIS GIRL

FOR THREE YEARS AND EVEN THOUGH SHE NEVER CAME OUT AND SAID

IT SHE WAS FEELING THAT WAY. WE NEVER TALKED ABOUT MARRIGE BUTI THOUGHT SHE COULD BE THE ONE. SHE BROKE UP WITH ME FOR LIKE A WEEK AND HAD SEX ANOTHER GUY, SHE DID THIS TO ME TWICE AND I TOOK HER BACK BECAUSE I LOVED HER.( STILL CRY ABOUT THAT)

ANYWAY YOUNG GIRLS DON'T KNOW WHAT THEY WANT, THEY LOVE YOU

ONE MINUTE AND NEED SPACE THE NEXT. WELL THE ONE THING YOU CAN'T DO IS PUSH THE ISSUE WITH HER. THE ONE THING I HAVE LEARNED IS YOU CAN'T DO ANYTHING TO MAKE THEM STAY BUT YOU

CAN MAKE THEM NOT WANT TO STAY. THINGS WILL WORK OUT ONE WAY

OR ANOTHER. REMEMBER NOTHING LAST FOREVER NOT EVEN PAIN...

[pleeb]

i was just dumped by my 23 yr old girlfriend with absolutely no warning signs. i am 40. we had made plans 5 months ago to get married and have children. she moved from our home in hawaii back to miami where she has family. i was going to move, at her insistence, to miami this week. she emailed me last week to tell me it was over. this was after daily phone calls begging me to come!! it might be her youth, but our passion for each other was so deep that i'm totally devasted at the sudden change of heart!! btw, there are no other men involved.

she called me yesterday and after a lengthy conversation we decided to take a week to rethink things. whatever that means. i'm madly in love with her and am confused...would getting back together with her be a big mistake???

[Bob1607306434]

So, she's 19 years younger eh? I could see how that marriage would work out ... NOT. Just live it up while you got it. Go for quality not just youth.

 

Kay sa ra sa ra. Hasta La Vista Baby

[amtheredoingthat]

To Pleeb: I think what we have here is not so much a problem in age gap, but simply age.

 

At 23, how many serious relationships has your girlfriend yet had? She may be feeling that she's not ready, simply because she is young and there's a desire to see what's out there. I think that's an important desire. At that age, women and men both are still find themselves and creating an identity as adults. And I don't want to totally generalize, but I think most young adults, in their early 20s, need to do that before they get married, or else, they regret it. You don't want THAT -- a bride who is NOT happy in her new marriage, because she never got the chance to explore the dating world.

 

So, again, I don't think age gap is the issue. Had you been 50 and your girlfriend been 33, you may have already been walking down the aisle! I think you need to accept that she is saying (whatever age she is) that she is not ready to settle down. Sounds to me like she might want (and need) to play the field and explore dating for a while, and she just isn't old enough to have had that opportunity. Hey -- I know, dating sucks for us OLD folks (I'm 38), but she's young -- dating can be fun and exciting, or it may suck for her also -- but I think SHE is in need of discovering that for herself right now.

 

Sorry, I know this is a hard one to swallow, because you are in love with her. This I completely understand!

[Enigmatic]

My girlfriend and I just cancelled our wedding plans, after more than 2

years together. She is 19 years younger than I am, and I am afraid that she

ultimately fears that we are not compatible. We get along incredibly, but

certain issues have compromised our mutual trust in each other (my issues

have been financial security, her's sexual fidelity). Although this seems

doomed/ no win, we have both committed (verbally) to giving it one last try.

 

You didn't mention exactly what your ages are but from the tone of it I am

assuming you are somewhere around 40 and she in her late teens or early 20's.

 

I must now decide if I can live with her expressed desire to "explore a

sexual relationship" outside of ours. After 2 years of incredible

communication, and 1.5 years of incredible sex (for both of us), she has

been losing her sexual attraction to me, while I remain incredibly turned-on

by her. I always feared that one day she may wonder if someone closer to her

generation would have been available for her- and I feel that my fears have

become reality.

 

Were you her first? Or were you one of her first?

 

Something you REALLY have to realise is that when we are young we want to

explore, we want to know what is out there and we really don't have an idea what

we are after. Most people spend their teen years doing this to some extent, its

the reason why so many of those early relationships (if you can even call them

that) break up... because we are still formulating our ideas and our goals.

 

I think your fears are bordering a little on the paranoid side though... I

wouldn't say she has lost attraction to you, more that this is probably the

first time she has experienced the "honeymoon" being over. Those of us who have

been in long relationships have a bit more grounding in reality and we realise

that while in the beginning everything is new and wonderful, that tends to wear

off after a while. She might be going through this. It doesn't mean she is less

attracted to you, just that she is used to you, she knows you and the "thrill of

the chase" is something she misses.

 

I also don't think she is thinking specifically about someone her own

generation, it could simply be someone who shares her own desires and goals.

 

You said that your issues were about financial security. I am getting the

impression that perhaps you are in the "settle down" stage of your life, where

things like financial security are highly important to you. If this is true then

she is probably finding that difficult... you are wanting to settle and build

while she is wanting to be free and explore. This could be why someone closer to

her own age is more appealing... not because they are her age but because people

feed off each other who share simiar outlooks.

 

You really have to ask yourself how strong your relationship is, and exactly how

much it means to the both of you. If she has had limited sexual experience in

the world then it is understandable her desire to explore that, in fact she

probably feels guilty for having those feelings because she is in a relationship

with you. You on the other hand might be different... you have done your

exporing and you have found what you want, you have found that in her and so you

no longer have that desire for "new" things.

 

Is it really fair of you to rob her of her exploration? To take from her those

years of her life where she gets to explore new things? Now I am not saying "sit

back, let her do it", but you should try to find some compromise that allows her

to grow and explore as a person while maintaining your bond of relationship

together. Whether that means the inclusion of something in your relationship

(being inside the relationship means you SHARE it as opposed to HER experiencing

it and you feeling left out), or some flexibility in how she can explore really

depends on the both of you.

 

I am so hurt because although at times the age gap had been

evident, her maturity, my youthfulness (and immaturity to some degree) and

our intellectual/ spiritual connection seemed to minimize any other issues.

 

I think it was this reason you found each other... she was internally older and

you internally younger.

 

Relationships have a very common pattern... first we notice the things which

make us the same and we revel in this similarity. The next stage is the

differences, we start to notice those things that differ between us and they

stand out. A successful relationship is one that has been through BOTH stages,

where they can honestly and openly look at both the similarities and the

differences and make a conscious decision that the benefits outweigh the losses.

If that cannot be done then the relationship breaks up.

 

She needs to ask herself is the loss of her exploration is outweighed by the

benefit of your relationship or not.

 

You need to ask yourself if allowing her a little exploration is outweighed by

the benefit of keeping your relationship or not.

 

I guess that this is the day of reckoning. But I am so sad, I feel so alone,

like the one that I love is dying, that I have trouble right now looking

past the pain...

 

I think the main thing to focus on is that it is not your fault, you have

reached the point many do in relationships where you are "naturally" passing

through the second phase. The honeymoon is over (not lost mind you, just not

around during this stage), reality is hitting and differences are making

themselves known.

 

If you really love her (and I do mean really love her) then you would

understand her need to explore more, to experience those things people who have

lived longer get the chance to experience and allow her some felxibility in

doing so. If she really loves you (Same applies, I mean really loves you)

then she will realise that her exploration would hurt you, and that she needs to

show you her desires to experience something "natural" and "normal" at her age

is in no way a reflection of her love for you. She would then try to incorporate

her exploration in your relationship rather than segregate it.

 

In all honesty... the thing which causes the most pain is not WHAT people

do... but HOW they do it. Its the fact it is done outside the

relationship, excluding your partner that is painful. A person actively seeking

to share everything with their partner (including her exploration) will never go

wrong if both people truly love each other.

 

I hope it helps... I have been where you are and I know what it feels like, it

is hard to let go of the insecurity and fear that you may lose the person you

love, and that other people out there can attract their attention... the thing I

finally realised is that TRUE love is more than that, true love isn't

holding someone back but letting them go. If they are still around then they

want to be there... not because they don't have a choice.