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Haven't broken up yet, but need some advice


sadchick83

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Ive been in a 2 month LDR with a guy that seemed wonderful up until last weekend. I am getting very suspicious and seriously do not want to sabotage this one but, yet again, cannot sleep, am feeling stressed.

 

Met the guy in late October when he approached me on a country road while jogging. Turns out we are neighbours in a classy lake district north of where I live- he also owns an apartment in Manhattan. So far, everything has been wonderful. He threw a lovely catered party when he met my family over Christmas, flys me to NYC, or comes here, chats every day, is super sweet. A very considerate, caring guy.Now last weekend he made plans and backed out due to work. I was a bit disappointed so he flew me in for the weekend. Background for this guy: he is a very successful executive. He drinks a lot, like at least a bottle of wine a day, sometimes more. He also takes anti depressants, Xantax, when required and propecia...a walking molotov cocktail.

 

Anyway, this weekend, he tells me he has been taking women out for dinner up until 3 weeks ago. I was floored because we had the exclusive talk at the beginning of Dec. I was PMS'ing so left the restaurant and said I needed to go for a walk. It wasn't a big scene because he paid the bill already. I just had to clear my head. The fight ensued when we got back to his place. He said his ex girlfriend has been calling etc. , tried to get me going.ANyway, he is visible smashed, yells, then pretends he doesn't know what happened the next morning.

 

I tell him in a very calm voice what happened. He sincerely says he is sorry. He also says he wants to kill himself, for doing this to me. Anyway, more background: his company, for which he is the CFO is in major trouble.=- almost bankrupt. He also, a few weeks back, had to have a few inches of skin removed from his neck (its skin cancer, but he said he didn't know what type). it was vastly looking, but apparently they got it all

 

He SAID he was going back today to have the stitches removed and a few thinks on his cheeks removed for "cosmetic" purposes, which would cause bad bruising.

 

Totally unlike him- he did not call me on Thursday night, he called Friday morn, then emails- that he missed me and is looking forward to seeing me next weekend-- I email him back. Again no call tonight. So I try him at 11:30 4 rings then he presses ignore.

 

Like * * * ???

 

All I can think at this point is that he is cheating on me. Someone convince me its all in my head. Usually he will call when he gets home from a night out. I just don't want to do something I will regret. Am I being crazy here??

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As an outsider, with all these problems and concerns at only the 2 month stage it doesn't bode well for a long term happy relationship.

 

Do you want to be with someone who lives his life to such extremes? Loving and caring one minute, shouting at you the next. Toronto is a big city, remember that you have options.

 

It's hard to comment on the cheating bit, but it's definitely not normal behaviour whatever the cause.

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He sounds like his life is a mess right now... and frankly if he is drinking over a bottle of wine every night and you are having drunken fights, it sounds like he's also an alcoholic. And he's basically told you he is still seeing other women.

 

It doesn't matter how much money a guy has if he big problems like alcohol. And he may also shortly be unemployed if his company is going under.

 

I'd take a big step back and just do nothing and see if he straightens up or even continues to call you. You've been getting way too serious way too fast as it sounds like he is just not in a position to have a relationship right now and if he's still talking to his ex, he may be waffling about whether to go back to her.

 

For your own sake, just take a step back and see what he does. Don't expect him to be a steady BF right now because he has too much going on, and you may want to think twice about continuing to stay involved with a guy who may be an alcoholic and is also seeing other women and talking to an ex-GF.

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It sounds like it's a lot to deal with for a "new" relationship. He sounds like he's got way too much going on in his life. It also sounds like he may have other "interests". I know it sucks to think about, I am dealing with it too, but you have to make a commitment to yourself that YOU are worth more. If it smells like s@#t, it typically is. If he felt the need to tell you that he had other women he was talking too a few weeks ago, perhaps he told you just enough to convince himself he was being honest with you. It sounds like he can really wine you and dine you, and it sounds as if you are impressed with that, however it's what happens outside that environment that will truly show you who you are dating. That is a "fluffy" environment that almost any man could turn into romance.

 

You need to establish boundaries for yourself and what you want out of a relationship. Don't compromise, if he does not fit within those boundaries he needs to go. We all have levels of comfort in a relationship and they are different. If his mannerisms don't fit within that comfort level, he needs to go. Frankly, I think you'd be doing him a favor. He needs to find help, when he is ready. You can't do that for him, and you'll make yourself miserable trying.

 

Good luck to you. Remember, you deserve more, and you deserve "free" love.

 

~dig

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Thank you LD,

 

This is so hard because now that my has met my family, I cannot really discuss problems as openly with them because I have the type of family that will use information against me and I feel bad about discussing the fact that he takes anti depressants with say, my sister as I want to protect his privacy.

 

I have too recently come off all forms of medication in the last few weeks. I was taking anti depressants, ADD medication and sleeping pills. I felt really good until the all happened.

 

I have a tendency to let my mind swirl into ridiculous scenarios. I don't get a call, so I assume he is cheating. It will keep me up all night, then I will hardly be able to function the next day.

 

I hear your advice LD. He was absolutely perfect until last Sunday evening, so it is hard to let him go. Maybe you are right, I will just let things cool off and see where they go. He is also not giving me the full story regarding his skin cancer. I have been told its either basal cell or melanoma-- melanoma being the deadly form. He pretends he doesn't know what kind. He seems sad about it, but doesn't want to give me the full story. So, maybe this odd behaviour is a result of the skin cancer.

 

Relationships sucks, I have been cheated on by EVERY guy, and I am just tired of letting it rot me. I always have the "exclusive" conversation with men once we become intimate, and it seems they want me to "think" we are exclusive, which I believe to be true, meanwhile they are out picking up.

 

And, these same guys expect you to be upbeat and confident, however, as soon as one starts to question things or get a little down because of the uncertainty, the guy doesn't like you anymore because you are no longer "fun." I just can never win.

 

Anyway, sorry for the rant.....I'll update later.

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Digdug, You may have hit the nail on the head. He said when he was super drunk that he was having dinner with other women, and you may be right....releasing a little guilt to make himself feel better.

 

What's happening with you Digdug? WHat are the similarities?

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Digdug, You may have hit the nail on the head. He said when he was super drunk that he was having dinner with other women, and you may be right....releasing a little guilt to make himself feel better.

 

What's happening with you Digdug? WHat are the similarities?

 

I want you to know, that I'd prefer that I wasn't right. It sucks, I know ...

 

Mine is a long, long story, but Cliff's Notes version is, I met a wonderful woman, but I was still in a divorce. She stuck with me through all the highs and lows, and we finally broke it off on Wed (I did actually). She had checked out because I never had the chance to be alone, and feel good about it. I was clinging to her for support, and it was making her life miserable. She has been through a divorce and knew what lie ahead, even tried to tell me SEVERAL times, but I kept telling her I was ok. She wanted to be happy, and I think (I'm not sure) that I pushed her back into the arms of a "fun" ex of hers ... you know the type, has a day job and plays in a band on the weekends .... it kills me because I think I'm partially to blame for pushing her so hard that she felt the need to reach out to someone who was an ex ... Anyway, she needed a "break" from the chaos of my life. The divorce is final, but I need to heal. The break didn't sit well with me, because it still had be clinging to hope, and my past with her. I needed to look forward.

 

The similarities are this: If your bf and my ex need happiness, if there is something missing, we can't force our will on them. With your situation, and there being distance, you will never know how, when, or where he is finding that happiness. It's wonderful think that it all comes from you, but if you've experienced TRUE happiness with him, and things go sideways, your instincts are probably correct. My ex never admitted to being back with him, but I have a pretty good feeling she is. I can't control it, much like you can't control him being with someone else, but what you can control is you and what your expectations are. If it feels off, and it's making you miserable you can either act on it by calling him, meeting with him and talking about it, or simply cut it off. His problems were there before he came into your life, they aren't yours to bare. It's baggage and you deserve more.

 

~dig

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Ha....so similar. My bf said his ex was "so much fun." They met when she charged him with sexual harassment or assault in the workplace and eventually ended up dating. Kooky or what? Then while they were dating she broke one of his ribs in a fight, and used to flip furniture over when she was drunk.....but last week mentioned while he was drunk "I always have a good time with my ex."

 

I guess it is just full disappointment because for the last 2 months this guy has been perfect. Mentioned engagement, met my family, had a big party for them, is always going on about getting married. So yea, Im disappointed, and I can't even trust my own judgement.

 

Or, guy can just ell me he is seeing other people, and I will too. You should have seen him snap at me when I was talking to one of his friends....he went on and on about me speaking to him so closely...he has mentioned it for weeks. He said he is very jealous.

 

It just seems there is no answer.

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Truthfully, I think you know the answer ... you seem to be getting there on your own. My whole thing was that if she wanted a "break", I understood. She mentioned establishing "boundaries together". However the more I tried to talk to her about it, the more she avoided it. I got frustrated, and felt she had moved on. I got angry with her and told her that at the very least she could spare me my dignity and let me know if there was someone else. I deserved to know that ending. There are "what-if's" that hurt, but I suppose there always is. If there aren't then we're not trying hard enough to learn and move on.

 

He seems jealous and controlling ... roll that up with the drinking, the business, and everything else he has going on, and you have a lonely man, who uses superficial ways to establish feelings of comfort and connection. However, when those things are gone, what are you left with? You are left with a broken man, who you have to try and help. Do you want that for your life? You can't help him, only he can.

 

As for the family, I get it ... however, if you take this matter into your own hands, establish those boundaries I spoke about, and decided what is best for YOU, not him, I think your family would be impressed with your willingness to look out for yourself. It's much better as a parent, friend, or relative to help someone you love through a break-up, then through a tumultuous relationship. Think about the freedom and confidence it would give you, and those around you, that you took action for yourself!!

 

The answer is right in front of you I'm afraid. It's whether you choose to embrace it that matters. This all needs to be about YOU .... YOU, YOU, YOU .... not about your parents, friends, or even him.

 

If you make that decision, no matter what it is, you need to at complete peace with it ... with no fear ... if you have fear, you have no freedom. No freedom, and you have no you.

 

~dig

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>>the last 2 months this guy has been perfect. Mentioned engagement, met my family, had a big party for them, is always going on about getting married.

 

But see, that in itself is a bad sign... you guys don't know each other after 2 months, don't know who he really is, whether he tells the truth or lies or exaggerates, cheats, has an addiction, whatever. It takes more than a couple months to really get to know who someone really is.

 

Guys who come on really strong romance from day way and talk marriage etc. early on are frequently either not sincere and know that such talk heats women up and makes them more receptive to sex etc., or else they are the type who never thinks anything threw and just rushes from woman to woman seeking excitement and romantic highs, such that every one is 'the one' until they get familiar with her and hop onto the next one.

 

And is his skin cancer really skin cancer? How old is he? Perhaps he went in for a neck lift and now is going in for a facelift or eyelift since he is talking about 'bruising' around his eyes. That is usually related to plastic surgery! I know someone who actually lied about having cancer as a sympathy ploy to buy himself space and time... someone mentions the 'C' word and everyone gets all solicitous and forgiving and doesn't ask a lot of questions about where he is or what he is doing or whether he is cheating etc. He could say he is going in for cancer surgery, but really have a minor cosmetic procedure then trot off to the Bahamas with another woman for a week to 'recover' from his 'treatment'. Surprisingly, that kind of thing happens more often than you know.

 

So i think this guy laid on some heavy romance in the beginning which made you assume a lot, but you need to keep your eyes and ears open because things are sounding a bit fishy on several levels and you can't really judge his sincerity until its been a while and you can see whether he proves to be sincere or not... Sometimes men like to date women from out of town because it gives them lots of freedom to date other women and control the situation... he invites you for one weekend, and a different woman for the next... you just can't keep tabs on him the way you could if you were local.

 

So you need to dial it back and just observe for a while.

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Yes Lavenderdove,

 

I agree with you...but the words and actions sounded so good after dealing with the death of my Dad and all the other stress I've had in the past year. It was so nice to hear someone say the right thing, but now I realize there was a hidden agenda.

 

He is 46, yes its really skin cancer. I saw the stitches last weekend. The were a zig zag pattern on the side of his neck, and no way could be plastic surgery. He did mention last weekend if we were together this weekend he would be bruised due to another procedure, but yes, maybe he did jet off somewhere.

 

Thank you Lavenderdove, I think you are right. I called him this afternoon and he didn't pick up. And, he has not called or emailed, this just isn't like him. So, major red flag. I mentioned the whole thing to my mother who is a psychologist, and she said due to his difficult upbringing - 2 alcoholic parents, he was never loved properly and dislikes himself, so how can he like others? And its why he drinks 2 bottles of wine a day...always trying to alter himself.

 

She also said this type of guy loves a chase, and I haven't given him one.

 

Thank you for being kind to me LD, I really appreciate your advice and think you are absolutely right. Oh well, I will give you an update, but NC for now.

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Thank you for your posts, so he did finally call me. I didn't pick up. He said he has been working all day and tonight...dealings with some Australian company.

 

Anyway, he did ignore me last night, not even an email back, which he could have done. Apparently, when I called this afternoon , he was jogging.

 

I am going to take this as a wake up call. I haven't been out in ages with a girlfriend, so I am sleeping over at a girlfriends house and we are going to go out proper. Ive also decided I will not speak to him until Monday. My sister, who always has very respectful relationships, said when a guy waits 24 hours to call you, you wait 48.

 

I hate games and calculating things, but I guess I have no choice.

 

I don't think this is the last time ENA will hear of this guy....thanks for all of your posts

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