Rebuilding my life at 50 is so much harder than I ever thought it would be

[MissyMolly]

50 year woman here, and I can totally relate to everything that's been said here.

 

Rebuilding is a daunting task, and I for one find myself in a state of sad resignation most days. But the other days, those days that I feel free and energized are really wonderful.

I have no children, no parents, no siblings; I really am "the cheese stands alone". And my whole life it has felt like my happiness depended on finding a partner. Man after man came and went. It became quite a pattern for me. A self-fulfilling prophecy because I always was wondering how long "this one" would last. Finally, this last year, I allowed a man who broke my heart to come back into my life and offer me crumbs. When I asked him last week to spend Christmas together, he found an excuse not to. I am alone this Christmas.

I have spent my birthday alone more times than I care to count, as well as Christmas and New Years. I miss my mother very much who passed away many many years ago, and I crave having a loved one to share holidays and LIFE with. I do. And I will no longer pretend that I do not need that. I simply do.

But, here's the thing, I will no longer allow myself to be in situations that are less than fulfilling to me. I have always settled for that, and it took a long time to grow up at 50 - ha! - but I swear, I have turned the corner this year.

I feel I am finally coming into my own at last. Owning my own truths. ALLOWING myself to be sad when I am lonely - it's perfectly OK!

So LNL, I guess I wanted to share with you that it really doesnt matter what age you are rebuilding your life; the fact that you have STATED that are rebuilding - and that is is HARD - is quite commendable. Remember, even if you're limping, you are STILL moving ahead.

Godspeed.

[Live-N-Learn]

Hey MissMolly,

 

I just wanted you to know that I appreciate you honesty and sharing how you are feeling. I just want to give you a hug. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year my friend.

 

Btw...I was born in Seattle and my whole family is there. I wish I was there now but could not make it up this year.

[why do we]

I think it is harder for a woman to find a man at 50. Most men can date down to around 35 if they want and it is fairly common. Much less common for a women to date a man of lesser age. What I mean is most men prefer the women to be younger than himself.

 

I also believe there are more single women by around 4-1 ratio than men between the ages of 40 - 50. As for rebuilding a life, it is equally as hard imo.

 

Hmm... ok, I'm 31 and don't know how I will feel 20 years from now, but surely for a woman at absolutely any age it is not that hard to find sex and companionship (even if she hasn't got money which would most likely be expected from a man same age wanting to date younger) Plus once woman has had kids and done the family thing there's absolutely no need to prove anything or get desperate about being single, I know too many women who genuinely are fine and content by themselves. I hope that will be the case for me. There's a right time for everything.

And finding someone to really love you wasn't easy even at 20, so....

[Live-N-Learn]

Hmm... ok, I'm 31 and don't know how I will feel 20 years from now, but surely for a woman at absolutely any age it is not that hard to find sex and companionship (even if she hasn't got money which would most likely be expected from a man same age wanting to date younger)

 

I started laughing when I read your post above. It just suddenly hit me that you are right though. Men will always be at a disadvantage when it comes to getting companionship quickly no matter the ratio of men to women. Sex is very powerful and women hold all the cards. At least in the beginning until we get them emotionally attached Have a great holiday.

[Live-N-Learn]

So it's Christmas day, my ex wife remarried a month ago and moved into her new house this week and had the kids this weekend for xmas. I am visiting friends in Dallas but feel out of it and alone. Though I know my ex gf is no good for me and I have a lot of anger towards her, knowing she is having xmas with her new bf bothers me to a degree. Part of me wants to hear from her but I know I won't. It's for the best.

 

I just have a lot of work left to do on me to rebuild my life and be happy again. I have been beaten down these past couple of years due to choices I have made. I know it is going to take some time. I am not going to try to fight these feelings but accept them as normal. Just wish for this moment I guess that she was the woman I made her out to be and that she was hear loving on me and opening presents and making love. lol I live in a fantasy world.

[beau2011]

Hi Live-N-Learn

I am new here and I have been reading quite a few posts. i just would like my first post to comment on your statement. I thinks that is an old stereotype. Now it is different and many men are into older women. Before that was correct: men use to always be attracted to younger women. But now it is not the case.

 

You should be surprise as how many young men fantasize and have relationships with older women. Just google it if you like.

 

You like younger women and that is great and your personal choice, but is not a general preference nowadays.

 

Also the statistics of "I also believe there are more single women by around 4-1 ratio than men between the ages of 40 - 50" is from a book on 2008 and it doesn't really have any proof.

[beau2011]

I wanted to clarify that when I said first post I meant to your thread. Also my comment is related to your post:

 

"I think it is harder for a woman to find a man at 50. Most men can date down to around 35 if they want and it is fairly common. Much less common for a women to date a man of lesser age. What I mean is most men prefer the women to be younger than himself.

 

I also believe there are more single women by around 4-1 ratio than men between the ages of 40 - 50. As for rebuilding a life, it is equally as hard imo. "

[Live-N-Learn]

Yes, I understand that there are younger women that now prefer older women. It's kinda the "new cool thing to do" thanks to desperate housewives. lol It does amaze me how the media has so much effect on our society and how easily influenced we can be.

 

However, it seems to be an implied assumption that I prefer younger women. I will have to admit, it is true. With that said...I can see the value in dating women within 5 years of myself. They are much more mature, stable (most of the time), know what they want and don't play games. I can see/feel my values changing day by day. I am realizing that there really are a lot of beautiful, loving and sophisticated women that can challenge me and be so much more than a young hot drama filled women. I am not saying all younger women are full of drama, though that has been my personal experience, I do not want to generalize.

 

However, I realize there is a much greater chance of long term success if I choose a woman more age appropriate. I am sure it will be a more meaningful experience. I just need to grow some more. I'm kinda shallow and have had my priorities backwards since my divorce 3 years ago. I just happened to fall into the young crowd right after my divorce. Fortunately or unfortunately, I dated some girls in their 20's...why they dated me being so much older is beyond me, but it happened.

 

The last 3 years have been filled with major highs and lows. Not what I needed. I should have been rebuilding a stable life. I did just the opposite. Lived for momentary gratification at any cost. I was escaping. Well, now it's time to grow the f-up! I am done, eyes wide open....going to get it together so I can be happy alone! One day I will meet someone and I will be the man I want to be. I really don't care about her age. She may even be older than me. It really doesn't matter. I just know I must allow myself to grow and take the time to evolve into a man worth having. I want a quaility women, and to get her....well I need to be that man.

 

I have learned so much these past few years and I am sure one day I will look back on the experience and be thankful for it. Today is not that day though.

 

I wish you all a Merry Christmas.

 

LNL

[Aqua066]

Excellent Post LNL! Agree with everything you said. Hang in there and keep at it! Merry Christmas! ... Thank god its almost over! lol... (been a rough day to get through)

[Zuri]

Hello,

 

Well, it least you got away and aren't alone over the holiday! In what part of the big D are you?

[BlueRose66]

LNL- When you say you have been beaten down the last couple of years due to choices you made, well that is where your power lies. In fact it is where all of our power lies, in the choices we make...

 

Here is to making better choices in 2012 for us all... Merry Christmas LNL hugs

[Live-N-Learn]

Hello,

 

Well, it least you got away and aren't alone over the holiday! In what part of the big D are you?

 

I'm is Dallas with some great "older friends" .... today is as good as it can be under the circumstances.

 

Excellent Post LNL! Agree with everything you said. Hang in there and keep at it! Merry Christmas! ... Thank god its almost over! lol... (been a rough day to get through)

 

I get it. onward and upward as my dear friend Carus would say....

 

LNL- When you say you have been beaten down the last couple of years due to choices you made, well that is where your power lies. In fact it is where all of our power lies, in the choices we make...

 

Here is to making better choices in 2012 for us all... Merry Christmas LNL hugs

 

Hell yeah...better choices...I drink to that....and I am drinking...lol luv your all...LNL

[Live-N-Learn]

Hello,

 

Well, it least you got away and aren't alone over the holiday! In what part of the big D are you?

 

hahaha....guess I really didn't answer your question...must be the great red win I'm drinking I'm in Farmers Branch.

[Live-N-Learn]

Well, the holiday is past me now and at least I had some friends I could visit so that I would not be home alone without my kids or any family members. Dumping all my party friends and telling my ex I don't want to speak with her is taking a toll on me. I got one text all day yesterday wishing me a merry xmas. No text at all today. I honestly thought there were a few more people that I knew that would reach out to me but they did not. I now realize how alone I really am. As I drove back from Dallas I could feel the anxiety inside me start to build knowing I have so far to go to rebuild my life. It seems like a daunting task.

 

However, I know there is no turning back now. I am on the right path and just need to take it day by day. I will not be in this same place a year from now if I apply myself and keep being proactive in becoming happy alone. I am trying to make small weekly goals so that I feel better. I just have this sadness that I can not seem to shake. I guess I am feeling sorry for myself...idk. Please keep me in your prayers to get through this.

[mahipahl]

Just ended a 3 year relationship, I’m 54 and she is 18 years younger. She dumped me but I was done too. I made the mistake of getting in the relationship to escape the grief I was suffering from losing my wife to cancer. During the past 3 years I think we have broken up and got back together about 4 times. This time I know it’s over and I’m ok with it. Previously I begged, promised, called, emailed, all the stuff people on here to tell you not to do. She would come back but the relationship dynamics changed, she had all the power. Now I am not repeating the previous unhealthy behavior because I feel “ok” to be by myself. I have been trying to expand my social circles, putting more effort at work, improving relationships I have been ignoring.

Maybe a second job will help improve your finances and reduce that alone time. Volunteer work is a great place to meet new people and expand your social contacts.

On top of losing my wife, I lost my father, became sole caregiver of my mother, and survived bitter estate fight with relatives. I really thought I was going to breakdown and came close to it. About two months before our breakup I just made my mind up this will no longer beat me down. I think you should try and replace your negative thoughts and look at them as challenges. I know it’s hard. Someday I hope to find someone to share my life with but for right now I refuse to panic because I am alone. Right now I go to bed with my cat by my side and for the first time in a long time I’m ok with that.

[Hope2011]

 

Accept fear, and it will stop bothering you.

 

Love will find you when you are ready.

 

Intotheself-- These two statements you made are great and very very powerful. Thanks for the wise words.

[KYRiverGrl]

Live-n-Learn, Prayers sent your way You'll get over this ... we all will

[Live-N-Learn]

thought I would post a quick update on my progress.

 

Starting a gym membership on 2/1 ...planning to go 3-4 times a week.

Attending a small bible study group to make new friends and get reconnect with God

Joining a support group for help not to gamble....

Continue being the best father I can to my two kid

Looking for ways to volunteer and help others

 

I am still NC with my ex since November. Neither of us have tried to reach out to each other and that is a good thing. i really don't miss her much anymore and understand how messed up she is and bad for me. Yes, I still think about her but not with a desire to get back with her. I am fairly positive after telling her how I really felt about her actions that we will never speak again. I am glad I told her and have no regrets. I was not mean I was just honest. She can deal with her crap it's not mine to worry about.

 

This is really about me now and learning to love myself and take care of myself which I have not done a good job doing. I have been living a self destructive life and I do not want to live like this anymore.

 

I have come to realize that if I want a happy life I can not continue to procrastinate, I am going to have to make it happen. It is hard to find the motivation but I can see now that doing nothing is not helping and is not allowing me to feel better. Matter of fact doing nothing is keeping me stuck emotionally in a bad state of mind. I do not want to feel defeated any longer and I do feel this way because I have made the wrong choices. To get beyond everything that has happened in my life the past 3 years I have to take action and make positive choices that in the long run will get me where I want to be and that is happy with myself and my life.

 

I also realize that by not doing anything I am really making a choice to stay stuck and it causes me to continue to make bad choices. Enough is enough. I feel as if doing these things is a matte of life and death at this point. If I don't do them I will continue to spiral out of control and that is not what I want.

 

I don't know if anyone is like me but I want it now....I have so little patience and just give up or don't start at all. I hope I can do this and keep my eye on the prize. I want 2012 to be the year I look back on and say when I toast a drink on New Years....You did it. Please keep me in your prayers.

 

Cheers,

LNL

[Lonewing]

What is wrong with spending the rest of your life ALONE?

 

This may sound harsh, but my answer is 'No problem!' I face the possibility and it doesn't scare me any more. Accept fear, and it will stop bothering you.

 

 

It may be fine for someone like you, but for those like us, we need companionship. And it's been shown that people who have people live longer than those who do not. just a fact of life.

[Live-N-Learn]

It may be fine for someone like you, but for those like us, we need companionship. And it's been shown that people who have people live longer than those who do not. just a fact of life.

 

I agree with you Lonewing. I am one of the those people that do not want to grow old alone. I enjoy the companionship and having someone to share my life with. However for me and I think I need some time to get it together first and will try to fill my life with activities and friends. I need to relearn how to be happy alone. It's been so long I forgot how it felt.

[CindyTime]

I agree with you Lonewing. I am one of the those people that do not want to grow old alone. I enjoy the companionship and having someone to share my life with. However for me and I think I need some time to get it together first and will try to fill my life with activities and friends. I need to relearn how to be happy alone. It's been so long I forgot how it felt.

Same with me. I am trying to use the time I have now to learn how to be happy, to fix some things in me that need fixing, and then when God is ready - find someone who will make an awesome companion.

 

I don't believe that everyone needs someone, but it sure is nice. I also think some people are so quick to try to fill that void and they miss part of the journey.

 

I think you have a great plan!

[Carus]

Hey LNL*

 

Been thinkin' about you lately....Glad to see you are continuing....Ever Forward*

 

Regards

Carus* 8-)

[tjcalif]

It is not easy that is for sure... The same thing has happened to me at 45 I am single again.... You will be alright it takes time that's all. I hope you can get out of this slump you are in and just enjoy your children and live your life!

[CindyTime]

It is not easy that is for sure... The same thing has happened to me at 45 I am single again.... You will be alright it takes time that's all. I hope you can get out of this slump you are in and just enjoy your children and live your life!

 

I just turned 47. So I completely understand how this feels. I also ended a 4 year relationship in June. Divorced 8 years ago, another R gone sour, 50 coming soon, and wondering if I will ever find someone!

 

It can get to me sometimes.

 

But I agree. We need to enjoy the life we have, whatever we do have in it.

[BlueRose66]

I will be 52 in July. I am doing my best to learn to be happy alone. Being alone does not mean being without friends. I am spending my free time doing things I really enjoy, meeting new people and trying new experiences. At 7 months post break up, I am slowly finding my way and feeling happier. There are still times of crying and feeling sad as I continue to let go, but these troughs are not as frequent nor as intense as they were.

 

I am realizing there is a possiblity that another relationship may not be in my future, and I am trying to find peace with that. I feel as long as I have friends and family and my wonderful pets- I will be just fine.

 

Hang in there Live-N-Learn.... you sound as though you are doing well.