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Happy first Anniversary...... not! : From Harmony to Chaos in 3.6 cocktails.


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2 Days ago marked the first anniversary of my relationship with my girlfriend, we've been friends for a couple years before hand, and she left her 8 year long previous somewhat abusive relationship for me and is the one who initiated the relationship.


In her past relationship there were lots of problems, and it seems as if they just carried forward into this one.


We moved in together way too soon but didnt have a choice because I was moving away and wanted her to come with me so as to avoid a long distance one.




1)Almost 8 months ago, the day before we were to move in together in a different town there were already problems:

recently out of college and broke (both of us), she called me and told me (not asked, told) that we're going on an extravagant houseboating party, which I wanted to avoid not only because of the expence but because she told me last time she went there was a lot of cocaine and E on board and she got wasted beyond belief. It is important to know that I am a recovered cocaine addict. When I mentioned that I could not yet commit to this and had a bad feeling she said "fine I'll just go by myself and I'm going to have guys all over me" (she was drunk at the time). I hung up and planned on breaking up with her the next morning.


-somehow we managed to make ammends and she apologized (after I pretty much had to explain why an apology was necessary and basically had to force it out of her). IN the long run we actually did go, partly because I don't trust her around alcohol and know that she turns into a flirt.



2)Portland, Oregon: we went on a vacation for 2 days, the first night she got so drunk she got us kicked out of the bar. It is important to know that I also have drinks but rarely ever get flat out drunk, just a mild buzz. The next day I went and toured the city by myself as she was too drunk to get out of bed.


3)Home again: we go out to watch a canucks game and she gets wasted, again flirting with other guys right in front of me, no shame... I end up having to pick up the majority of the tab, and being broke I get pissed. She notices that I'm upset and gets defensive starting a fight and literally running away and I had to drive around to find her.


4)she drinks about 12 ounces of my vodka without even asking then starts her usual drunken rage... I end up putting the vodka in my safe which starts a secondary fight.


5)we see a wild bear at night after she had some wine with my family (we can actually handle our liquor), she tries to approach the bear, I try to protect her and keep her at a safe distance... this causes a fight, she screams at me and embarrases me in public.


6)there are probably another 15 or so instances but they are similar to the other ones so here's the big one:


-Our first anniversary: I take her to the most prestigious restaurant in my town, order her a fancy dinner and of course she orders more drinks than I expect her to. This is after I gave her a $100 necklace and gift set, not that material things matter... she this time actually contributes to the cost of dinner (pays 40 of the 165 dollars... doesn't really cover tax and tip but its better than nothing). I was somewhat impressed, she asks if she can take me out for one drink. I have a bad feeling about it but the night is so early I agree. We have one drink each and play some pool with people in the pub accross from the restaurant.


Then we play another couple.

Then another..

the drinks start adding up on her end. I am always the designated driver so I only had one, which is what we discussed prior.. she is getting drunk...


all of a sudden she turns in to "dark tara" her drunken alter ego who loves to cause chaos


she decides that now she is going to change the rules of the game without anyones consent or awareness, where now you don't have to call the 8 ball but if you do and miss then you lose even if it doesnt go down a hole.


I've been playing pool for 15 years and never heard such a thing, its stupid and ridiculous: I ask for clarification and want her to know that we havent been playing this way so we need to let the other team know, she talks over me and doesnt let me speak, I reinforce my position and want her to let the other team know that she is changing the rules mid game, she raises her voice, here I get frustrated that she wont even listen and I decide to just go sit down and not play anymore, this game is not fun anymore...


I tell her I'm not comfortable and I want to leave, I leave her under a covered area so she doesnt need to get soaked in the rain while I get the car,


I arrive and she is standing with a random guy and rubbing his arm standing close to him. I begin crying madly.


We get home and she refuses to take any responsibility (until the next morning when she's sober) for anything that happened and it's all my fault for "not standing up for her and being on her side" when she changed the rules.


The next day I tell my coworkers I'm sick and that's why I look like crap after not sleeping,.. I'm "sick" every two weeks on sunday mornings (after saturday night fight night) and I think they suspect that I AM THE ALCOHOLIC! My gratuities are dismal as they usually are when Im upset.


I don't even want to see her the next day so I come home when she's still at work and take sleeping pills so I can just sleep through this part of my life. I know its sinking to her level to escape but I'm so upset I want to leave her.


What is super important to understand is that when she is not drinking, she is pretty much an amazing girlfriend and very loving, almost everything a man can ask for, but liquor is always seeming to shine its ugly head through and destroy our relationship.


I already consulted her on her problematic drinking... She doesn't drink daily so she's not a typical alcoholic. She drinks occasionally and the problems only occur when we're in public.


I am also a professional in a small town and feel my reputation is being tarnished.


I love her, but I think somehow if she doesnt change her patterns our relationship has to end.


What do I do?

What would you do?


I want to make it work, but I think if it continues more then I will have to find someone else..


What really is terrible is everytime she wears the necklace I bought her it will remind me of the worst day of my life. Do I get her to return it?


Please help



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If she doesn't control her drinking then i would leave her. She knows what she is like when shes had one too many but this doesn't seem to deter her. It seems like she does have a drinking problem, but she may not be ready to accept this.


I think for your own happiness you need to leave her and tell her that it is the alcohol that is causing problems. This relationship will not work if she continues to drink, it is just going to cause more arguments and she may even cheat (i get this feeling from the incidents you have described). If you want to be with her, then tell her you are finishing the relationship and you will not come back until she has sorted out her drinking problem.

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Wow... you two are not on the same page which is why "chaos" always takes over.


Kudos to you as recovering addict to know your limits... how shameless of her NOT to take this into consideration when inviting or demanding you to go places.


I'm sorry that the necklace leaves you with a bad taste everytime you see her wear it but asking her to return a gift doesn't carry much class - perhaps its this one item that will open your eyes to see her as she really is?


You've written nothing here where I could make any sort of suggestion to keep working at this. If I were you I'd cut her loose ASAP and take some time to figure out how you got into such a relationship. Better people are out there and it sounds like you deserve a healthier relationship than this one.


Good Luck!

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we live together, I think Furby is right I need her to stop drinking or learn to control it... problem is 5-6 days of the week things are going great so its going to be so hard. This is basically going to be emotional suicide for me because I love her. I don't have the heart to ask her to leave when I brought her out here in the first place. I think we need therapy but I don't think if she will agree and even if she does I can't afford it. I want to change our anniversary day and redo it all over again if she agrees to this. Thoughts?

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You're looking for a band-aid to your problem and I don't know if there is one.


She needs to get help for her alcoholism, or you need to let her go out on her own when she drinks (but you can't because you can't trust her not to cheat on you).


Quite frankly it sounds like you need to leave her but you can't/won't.

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I think I can trust her not to cheat on me, but I'm not sure... she almost always comes home to me and snuggles up with me in bed, as annoying as it is being woken up in the middle of the night, I know she is safe and loves me...

You're right I want a solution! All she has to do is slow down with drinking and set a limit, say 3 drinks for a while and if it gets better maybe 4 drinks? problem is I don't think its right for me to tell her how many drinks she can have. Apparently now she says the guy that she was holding the arm of was actually her good friends room mate and was just saying hi (not sure if I believe it but could be true).


It's just so hard to leave her because we've been friends for years before dating and I never saw the alcohol problem until she moved in with me.


I sometimes go out with her and all is fine, its just the odd time where she gets pissed drunk and takes out rage on me. I won't take it anymore. I did speak with her over text but could only say so much. She should have been home hours ago but hasn't shown. She is going out tonight, which I said is a problem because we should heal things first and she says she's not ready to.


I unfortunately have to tell her that I want to have a move out and seperation plan in case this happens again.


I think she thinks I'm all talk and no walk... I need to show her that I mean it because we've had this problem several times before...


What do you think, how can I prove I mean it without being too passive or too aggressive


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