Getting pushed away during a 'second chance'.

[jormungand]

Hi all.

 

Recently got back together with the love of my life after we were on a break (she went back to her ex. didn't work out. i was willing to take a chance again). Anyway, we reconnected after she moved back home with her parents, officially made up; all the nice things. She said the whole time she missed me, loved me, and couldn't see herself being away from me again. I'll admit, I was pretty happy and starting to let my guard down around her. I missed her dearly while we were apart and my life didn't seem the same.

 

After some chit-chat for a few days, she started to ignore my phone calls, texts; etc. Not that I was going overboard, but we usually talk every day. I asked her if there was anything we needed to talk about that maybe I didn't know was going on with her, which is strange because this girl never has had an issue discussing anything relationship related with me, and that was met with a hearty "No". Didn't hear from her for two days. I dropped her a quick email to say "There's something obviously wrong. We need to talk." which was met with "Sometime soon. I'm busy OK?" That's it. Back to cold, cut and dry responses and this doesn't seem like the girl that wanted to patch things up and work on developing a new relationship, nor does she seem too interested in talking to me. I've since made the decision to give her some space, not knowing where our relationship stands. It's been over a week so far.

 

The part that confuses me the most is that when we got back together, I went ahead and let her spell it out very clearly. It seemed like she was very much ready to give it another go and she changed her mind in one day? What worries me the most is that she's ignoring me\covering up for someone else talking up all of her time. She had mentioned getting back in touch with an old male friend previous to us getting back together, and has been going out for drinks\dinner alone with him, and has been going out to the bar alone as well, and getting completely drunk. Who knows what could be happening.

 

Sorry for the long story, but what sort of move can i make here to let her know i care about her and want to continue fixing this when she won't even reply to any of my communication? She's gone from wanting me back, to completely ignoring me in the span of 3 days.. I'm really confused and frustrated here.

[Furbys]

If its possible to talk to her face to face then do it that way but otherwise talk on the phone or send an email just expressing how you feel. You want to know if she genuinely wants to be with you. In my opinion she doesn't seem to be 100% fully in this relationship and probably wont be in the future. I say this because she got back with her ex instead of making things work with you and now it hasn't worked out with him your suddenly the love of her life again, it seems very coincidental doesn't it?

 

If i were you i would be prepared for the situation that she will leave you again, perhaps for someone else. I would tell her simply that you want to talk about the relationship, if she doesnt respond/ignores you then i would take that as a sign that theres no relationship anymore.

[jormungand]

Yeah, i do understand your point. I've told her that I wanted to be there for her for whatever is wrong, and I've since just been brushed off saying "We'll talk soon", and that's how it's been for a week. No "Good morning. how are you" no idle chit-chat throughout the day like usual. I really thought she was coming back around and really saw the mistake she made in the past. Now I'm just dealing with the ice queen who won't even have a small conversation with me. I hate not knowing whats going on in my own relationship.

[Furbys]

No communication, no relationship. Its simple really, a relationship doesn't work if there is no communication. I think you need to do ONE last attempt at communication and if it does nothing then cut your losses and leave.

[Mr Man]

Mate, dump her. She's not into this relationship - if she was, no way would she be being cold or whatever so soon. I think you should get the notion out of your head that she is 'the love of your life' and just leave her. Be strong matey, if she left once she can leave again. My instincts are telling me that she's just playing with you - maybe I'm wrong, but that's the feeling I get from your post. Leave her now mate, it sounds like it's going to end pretty soon anyway.

 

best of luck

[Dezireey]

I agree with Mr Man. Doesn't sound good. It's probably good for you though that she has done this so early in the 'getting back together' phase, as it would have been a bummer to get back together and you let your guard right down, get used to having her around again for a while and then she goes bush on you.

 

She is flaky and trust me, if she was into you, she would be calling you. I say leave her alone,don't contact her or at the very least make it known with one last contact to let her know how you feel, then do a disappearing act of your own. If she does eventually get back in touch and especially if she acts like she has done nothing wrong, I would make her work for it and tell her she has blown it.

[jormungand]

Well yeah, it is a huge bummer. Unfortunately, I really do care a lot about this girl who can just throw me away like this.

 

@Dezireey: How do you figure I should go about making one last contact while still 'respecting space'? Any small thing I've said to her over the last week has been taken as 'pressuring' and 'annoying'.

Most excellent kitty smile btw!

[Dezireey]

Well, I would just make things clear to her. Like a simple text with just a few lines like ' You must know how I feel about you etc' rather than saying anything about being back together or meeting up. It sort of spells it out to her so there is no confusion for you and she knows exactly how you feel. If she chooses to just continue to ignore you after that, then it really is her loss and she has burned her bridges.

 

What I am saying is maybe to give you peace of mind and to avoid any ambiguity and manipulative behaviour on her part, make it clear where YOU stand. I personally hate it when a partner just stops contact ( a week , a few days, a month, whatever), I just then think - oh dear its over and move on and then the idiot calls two months later with a crap story about how they thought I didn't care anymore, they were going through some personal 'stuff' and because I didn't call them, they felt like they shouldn't call me!!. We all know this is bull and their way of excusing their behaviour. If you let her know where you stand and then just go completely No Contact on her, she is the one who has messed up and if, (big) if she comes crawling back, you can say 'sorry, you completely ignored me when I told you how I felt, 2/3 months have gone by, you are too late, I have moved on'. At the very least, it will show her that you won't take any wishy washy crap from her.

 

I hope that helps, your call though

[jormungand]

well, i've been through this with her before (she refused to talk to me while she was trying out the situation with her ex again), and the consensus seems that i cannot say anything during this period without it seeming like an annoyance. this seems like an unbelievably selfish thing to do, and i would much rather sit down and talk about what could be worked on.

 

however, your words are striking a chord. lately i've been thinking about all of the months that i've been giving, supportive, and great to her only to get nothing in return. it's really a battle of my brain and my heart at this point.

[magnoliatree]

Drop it and do your best to move on. There's nothing you can tell her that she doesn't already know. She's not up for a talk to work out the problems, she's not up for talking at all. Walk away, if she comes around, fine, but for now, don't look back.

[jormungand]

well, i did the whole 'last message' thing and was met with a response.

 

"i'm really too stressed out to deal with personal matters right now. i don't know where anyone in my life belongs at the moment and really have to get my life together"

 

at least i tried! time to start the healing process from day one yet again.

[winniethepooh]

Recently got back together with the love of my life after we were on a break (she went back to her ex. didn't work out. i was willing to take a chance again). Anyway, we reconnected after she moved back home with her parents, officially made up; all the nice things. She said the whole time she missed me, loved me, and couldn't see herself being away from me again. I'll admit, I was pretty happy and starting to let my guard down around her. I missed her dearly while we were apart and my life didn't seem the same.

Did you ever address whatever it was that led to the break or break-up anyway? If she left you to go and try again with her ex, then comes back to you when that fails, it's not a healthy way for her to behave in terms of building a relationship. She sounds like she's treating partners (or potential partners) like cars or something - shopping around until she finds something that suits her, then moving on when it doesn't, without understanding that a relationship is a two-way interaction between people.

 

After some chit-chat for a few days, she started to ignore my phone calls, texts; etc. Not that I was going overboard, but we usually talk every day. I asked her if there was anything we needed to talk about that maybe I didn't know was going on with her, which is strange because this girl never has had an issue discussing anything relationship related with me, and that was met with a hearty "No". Didn't hear from her for two days. I dropped her a quick email to say "There's something obviously wrong. We need to talk." which was met with "Sometime soon. I'm busy OK?" That's it. Back to cold, cut and dry responses and this doesn't seem like the girl that wanted to patch things up and work on developing a new relationship, nor does she seem too interested in talking to me. I've since made the decision to give her some space, not knowing where our relationship stands. It's been over a week so far.

She's detaching herself from you, and not interested in talking about it. Trying harder to get her to talk when that happens rarely works.

 

It seemed like she was very much ready to give it another go and she changed her mind in one day?

The answer might be this ...

 

What worries me the most is that she's ignoring me\covering up for someone else talking up all of her time. She had mentioned getting back in touch with an old male friend previous to us getting back together, and has been going out for drinks\dinner alone with him, and has been going out to the bar alone as well, and getting completely drunk. Who knows what could be happening.

She found a new car to drive.

 

Sorry for the long story, but what sort of move can i make here to let her know i care about her and want to continue fixing this when she won't even reply to any of my communication? She's gone from wanting me back, to completely ignoring me in the span of 3 days.. I'm really confused and frustrated here.

I think you've made it clear already. Anything else you do will push her even further away, especially if she's got someone else in her sights.

 

well, i did the whole 'last message' thing and was met with a response.

 

"i'm really too stressed out to deal with personal matters right now. i don't know where anyone in my life belongs at the moment and really have to get my life together"

 

at least i tried! time to start the healing process from day one yet again.

She's saying leave her alone. Sorry That's all you can do.

 

If you want to be crystal clear about the situation, you could send her a message saying you understand she no longer wants to be in a relationship with you so you will respect that by leaving her alone and moving on with your life. Don't expect a reply, or a pleasant one if she does. Just do it for yourself so you have no second thoughts wondering if you weren't clear enough.

 

And then as you say, start healing. Leave her alone, disconnect from her in every way you can, don't search for information from or about her. And given that you and her already tried a reconciliation once, if she does make overtures towards you again, you're probably better off ignoring them or pushing her away.

[Dezireey]

well, i did the whole 'last message' thing and was met with a response.

 

"i'm really too stressed out to deal with personal matters right now. i don't know where anyone in my life belongs at the moment and really have to get my life together"

 

at least i tried! time to start the healing process from day one yet again.

 

Well that's it then, job done.I would hold her now (in your head) to that final response and take her final word for it that she doesn't want a relationship and now you move on.Not sure If I am buying her weak excuse for a response but that is irrelevant. I would never contact her again now and I would definitely be very, very wary of any contact from her in the future. If she does get back in touch, be mindful and aware that she appears to think she can pick you up as and when she feels like it. I think you should be strong if she tries that tactic and tell her politely that she can call some other ex to see if they are interested.

 

Good luck

[jormungand]

I don't buy it either, but thanks for the insight everyone.

[jormungand]

Did you ever address whatever it was that led to the break or break-up anyway? If she left you to go and try again with her ex, then comes back to you when that fails, it's not a healthy way for her to behave in terms of building a relationship. She sounds like she's treating partners (or potential partners) like cars or something - shopping around until she finds something that suits her, then moving on when it doesn't, without understanding that a relationship is a two-way interaction between people.

 

Her explanation was out of guilt that she didn't see things through and 'needed to make sure' so she could move on guilt free. Fast forward, she got * * * * ed over, and resumed normal contact with me. I knew I was taking a big risk resuming things again, but like i said; she had me fooled.

[jormungand]

Thanks for the advice everyone.

 

Funny enough, I was awake last night letting my dogs out, and heard an email come through on my phone at 1:30 (this is when bars close around here)

 

"Stop acting like love is the only thing that matters in life. I don't have the energy to deal with anything superfluous in my life, and don't want you or anyone else right now. Please understand that and leave me alone."

 

Possibly being a mean drunk and trying to alleviate guilt over hooking up with someone else by just blaming 'outside forces' for ending a relationship? Whatever the reason was, this really seals the deal for me. I've already been treating it like that, but time to move on. I don't think it's fair to date right now, as all i'll do is make comparisons. It'll take a really long time to fall out of love with whoever this girl is now.

[LastMan]

Sounds like you were too eager to take her back. The second you did, she lost interest.

 

For future reference, if you really MUST get involved again with a girl that dumped you, make sure she begs, grovels, shines your shoes, cooks, cleans, and has lots of sex with you first. Once she's done that, you say "Well that was nice, but I'm still not sure..."

[MasterPo]

Sounds like you were too eager to take her back. The second you did, she lost interest.

 

For future reference, if you really MUST get involved again with a girl that dumped you, make sure she begs, grovels, shines your shoes, cooks, cleans, and has lots of sex with you first. Once she's done that, you say "Well that was nice, but I'm still not sure..."

 

LMAO.. exactly. I wish I had held out but I learned. Hard lesson but I learned.

[winniethepooh]

"Stop acting like love is the only thing that matters in life. I don't have the energy to deal with anything superfluous in my life, and don't want you or anyone else right now. Please understand that and leave me alone."

If that was in response to something you sent her, leave her alone.

 

If it wasn't, leave her alone.

 

I don't think it's fair to date right now, as all i'll do is make comparisons. It'll take a really long time to fall out of love with whoever this girl is now.

You mean fall out of love with who she was. But anyway, yes, don't rush into dating again until you're ready to.

[jormungand]

If that was in response to something you sent her, leave her alone.

 

If it wasn't, leave her alone.

 

It was in response to something i sent three weeks ago. I sat down and did the whole heartfelt email thing and it was met with that. Lesson learned, don't be so open with someone.

[winniethepooh]

It was in response to something i sent three weeks ago. I sat down and did the whole heartfelt email thing and it was met with that.

Oh wow. Then her response is particularly cold. Stay well away from her.

 

Lesson learned, don't be so open with someone.

Wrong lesson. Should be ... don't be so open with the wrong person or at the wrong time.

[jormungand]

Oh wow. Then her response is particularly cold. Stay well away from her.

 

Yeah, definitely am staying away from this one. These are all the same excuses I was fed when she left me for her ex last time. The gut feeling going on here is that someone else came in while we were 'reconnecting' and she chose to see what the new and shiny person was. Otherwise I'm sure she wouldn't be so cold about it.

[Ms Darcy]

I am sorry for what you are going through. It seems she used you as a security blanket, which is painful. I am sorry. Please don't try to get back with her again.

[jormungand]

I am sorry for what you are going through. It seems she used you as a security blanket, which is painful. I am sorry. Please don't try to get back with her again.

 

Thanks for your words, I'm slowly realizing that now. I would love to get back with her if she were the same girl that chased after me earlier this year. I hope I have enough sense to say no if she comes back around again.

[toby17]

"Stop acting like love is the only thing that matters in life. I don't have the energy to deal with anything superfluous in my life, and don't want you or anyone else right now. Please understand that and leave me alone."

 

A piece of work!

 

Love might matter to her, if she felt it!