I don't understand what she wants/means? Im genuinely stumped......

[Charingx1]

Hi All,

 

Not been on for a while. In short my ex dumped me 6 months ago after a 15 month relationship. I was too needy/insecure and didn't trust her. I had some reason, i.e. she was a cereal cheat before me, but genuinely i think shes changed. In the 6 months we have been apart I did the following

 

Months 1-3 - Begged, pleaded, sent her videos of me at our favourite places, caught her on a dating site and she went mad t me, blaming me saying she had no confidence, said she wasnt actually going to date anyone so soon. Well, turns out she was looking to date, wont go into how i know, i just found out. Month 3 we kissed and that was the last time i kissed her, she said im sorry i cant be with you.

 

Months 4-5 - I work with her, i kept contact to a minimum. Told her i couldnt be friends. A couple of weeks would pass and she will email me about something, asking me about my boy, or asking how i am. Id be polite and in the end id end up saying i wanted her back as i wasnt healed. So that resulted in no contact again as she wasnt interested.

 

Now im at month 6. I know she has been on a couple of dates, but nothing serious is going on. I hadn't heard from her for 5 weeks, i just decided to pretend she didnt exist i wasnt healing and wanted to get over her. And to be fair, i have done really well. I'd stopped thinking of her all the time, resigned myself to the fact she may be dating and was moving on. I didnt contact her on her birthday which i think shocked her. THEN ON THURSDAY SHE EMAILED. She heard me talking about an exam i had failed. She said " I know you will probably ignore this and thats fine, just wanted to say im sorry to hear about that and tht i still care."

 

So i didnt reply for a while as to be honest never thought id hear form her again. In the end we had a conversation, her saying i thought you wouold email on my birthday. Then i say well im ignoring you because im healing, you know i love you etc. She replies this

 

" Whenever you walk in i get butterflies and stare at you for ages. Im sorry i contacted you but its been months and months now and i miss oyu all the time. There's a noticeable calmness in your emails now. maybe we understand each other better than i thought."

 

So i just replied saying a few bits like i feel the same and that im not the same person anymore, im not angry any more ive worked on myself with therapy etc and i just want you to be happy. she then replies, totally out of the blue and a change of attitude " Ive had to accept you will never trust me, never have, never will, you need to see that for yourself one day".

 

I was shocked! One minute she is all nice etc, then shes saying, basically, anyway you dont trust me and end of conversation! The conversation continued with me saying i dont mind what you think, i know that im a different person and she just said she understands me alot better now and is glad i understand her now. That was it.

 

Im totally confused. Do you think she was just seeing if i was around for her still? Or is she having doubts about ending it, 6 months on shes still missing me all the time. i honestly thought she'd moved on, nd its clear she's been upset ive been avoiding her, as she had a little jokey dig at me about avoiding work. What do people think i should do? I still love her immensely, id love to be back with her, but i am a different person. Im not going to beg or plead any more, but i dont want to pass up an opportunity. Do i just go back to NC or perhaps email her? Im going away for 5 weeks in ten days so that will be the longest she hasnt seen me.

 

Any help would be appreciated!!

[Raaawr]

If I were you, I would continue doing nothing. Go on your trip and see how you feel when you get back.

 

Trying to read into what she is doing or thinking or saying is only going to reverse the progress you have made. Plus, youll be in a rush to get something sorted before you go away and you could slip up and make a mistake and drive her away.

[Charingx1]

Thats true, she doesnt know im going away actually i think it will come as quite a shock