Messiest Breakup ever-could really use some input

[Karma333]

Hey everyone,

 

Just thought I'd get some of your opinions on this. It's been a tough few weeks that's for sure. Here's the background and my apologies on the length.

 

I meant someone online (yes, it was a LDR) ..never thought I'd find myself in that situation. Anyways, this all started Aug 2010 and we clicked instantly. He was supposed to come and visit Dec of 2010 but due to financial constraints, he couldn't. I was in school from Jan-May (doing 5 classes plus working full time), so me going during those months was very difficult). We ended up waiting until the end of May/early June before we could see each other. He ended up coming, and things were AMAZING. He visited for 3 days and we both enjoyed each other's company so so much. He actually told me he wanted to be exclusive and said he loved me as well during that trip. Please keep in mind that he's not the kind of person that will force himself to be in a situation he doesnt want to be in. If he was having a terrible time, I would have instantly been able to tell.

 

I had a couple more classes to finish up, but I was finally done towards the end of August and planned to go see him September long weekend for 5 days. The trip I thought was great aside from the fact that I was completely NOT myself the entire time I was there. I was on birth control that made me feel soo nauseous to the point where I was ready to throw up every hour of the day. Regardless, I didn't want that to affect the time we had together. I tried my best to make the trip as pleasant as possible for both him and I. We were still being intimate with one another because I knew after 3 months of not seeing each other, i couldn't bring myself to just be like, I really don't feel like it. It wasn't as adventurous as it could have been, I will admit that, but that again was because of how I felt. I left on a Tuesday and for a couple of days afterwards, I was still getting the I love yous and the I miss you messages. The weekend came and he was really different...didn't message as much. I messaged and said, Clearly there is something we need to talk about and to let me know when he's ready to talk. I wake up to a message on Monday morning where he's breaking up with me. Said we have over-communicated, can't do LD anymore, and doesn't have a chance to miss me. I read the message my heart broke and I couldn't believe that after the one year, he simply sent a text. I messaged back and said, Good luck with everything. He calls and is like that's all you have to say? I said, I am not going to chase you. That was the end of that convo but unfortunately, I had a major breakdown the days to follow.

 

This dragged on for probably about a couple of months. I found out shortly that I was pregnant. So aside from being broken up with, I was pregnant and knew I pretty much couldn't have a baby. I didn't tell him right away, but I did tell him when I thought I miscarried (which wasn't the case). He was nicer on the phone when he found out, but I was always a mess for obvious reasons. During the couple of months of talking (which frustrated him to no end because I always had questions as to how he could just do this), he would come up with new reasons as to why he needed to think about things. I was planning on moving there next year, we had discussed things like marriage and long term and he seemed very serious as well. I definitely felt like a psycho ex girlfriend whenever I'd try to talk to him...he was so frustrated and came to resent me because I had questions. The last straw was us talking on the phone one night (a thursday), after me having gone back to the doctor's that day to see if I was still pregnant. HE was going on a trip and was like, let me have my weekend and we'll talk on Monday. I found out that I was still pregnant the next day and promised myself I wouldn't initiate contact until the monday since he wanted to have his fun. Monday comes, i message him to talk, he simply ignores. I was so hurt and upset. Tuesday, I sent a pretty bad message where I called him a coward and that I couldn't trust him and also brought up a few things about his financial situation that may not have been very nice to say.

 

I realized the next day that I couldn't go through the pregnancy and abortion by myself. I didn't want anyone else to know and basically told him what the situation was and what I was dealing with. He was the HARSHEST I have ever seen. Wouldn't talk to me, wouldn't message back and said his best friend had to talk him into messaging me back (which was so cruel to hear). He said he won't talk about the past and from this point all he'll talk about is the pregnancy and procedure. HE couldn't understand the emotional support that was needed to go through this and was so mean. He'd make comments like "we're not talking, we're communicating" which is because he HAS to. Up until the procedure was to happen, he would talk about the things that were an issue for him. He finally settled on "the sexual chemistry was missing". I found it so interesting to hear that because the first trip he came for things were really great and we had such a great time. The second trip, with me feeling as sick I was, made a huge impact on things and he simply wouldn't hear it. He started bringing up the way I looked when we'd talk on skype on a number of occasions. I had explained things to him in the initial part of the breakup and how talking to him at night after I'd come home from work and school didn't leave much room for me to get all dolled up in a dress. I'd come home at 9:30 at night and he was an hour ahead and would need to get to sleep. And he himself would be heading to bed as well, so it's not like he was dressed in anything fancy.

 

I was his second serious relationship...the first one was with someone who cheated on him. I was nothing but good to him. I didn't want him to feel like being in a LDR would result in him having to worry about finances too much, so I used my points to fly him out here...when he visited and when I visited, I paid for 90% of the outings. He'd say things like, so we're splitting this, but I'd feel really stupid so i'd be like, no it's ok, I got it. I always did little things and surprised him with little gifts, like his favorite wine because I wanted to show him I appreciated him. But during the breakup, he'd say things like, "that made me feel appreciated, not horny".

 

I guess my question to everyone out there is, can you have the chemistry be there during the first trip and then all of the sudden have things go the way they did the second time? How can you love someone without chemistry being there in the first place? I thought that things like this can be fixed and can be talked about, but his response was "you can't fix sexual chemistry...it's either there, or it isn't". Was I being irrational for wanting to talk about things with him? He obviously hurt me very, very deeply because I truly loved him. To me, I thought the relationship was based on a solid foundation, the newness of it has kind of worn off a little and mixing in the way I was when I was there because of how sick I felt, i am sure didn't help things. I am usually a very logical person, but I couldn't believe someone could think the way he did about things. It was almost like, everything had to be by the book in terms of sex. If it wasn't a certain way, then something was clearly wrong. But he just wouldn't communicate.

 

Sorry about the long message everyone...but your input would really be great..

[Ariel85]

I think this is always the downside of investing in a cyber relationship. It was all fantasy for him for almost a year, until you met in person. I think he really wanted things to work out, because he liked you, and had spent a year getting to you know you virtually. But, when it came down to it, he simply didn't feel any chemistry for you. This doesn't mean you're not hot or pretty - just means it didn't come together for him.

 

I don't see a problem with meeting people online, but when you don't actually meet in person for a year, then you both set yourselves up for something like this to happen. It's not his fault - it's the nature of overinvesting in fantasy. If he lived in your town, the same thing would have happened after two dates, because that's pretty much when he started to lose interest.

 

Next time, don't spend so much of your energy and time on someone you can't meet in person, and soon.

[Karma333]

But wouldn't the chemistry or lack thereof according to him, have been felt the first time he visited? I always thought chemistry is something you instantly feel being there or not there, and since the first trip went really well, doesn't that indicate that it was there?

[chr8st8na]

But wouldn't the chemistry or lack thereof according to him, have been felt the first time he visited? I always thought chemistry is something you instantly feel being there or not there, and since the first trip went really well, doesn't that indicate that it was there?

 

I think he did really want it to work and wanted to be physically in to you like this fantasy he had built in his head.... in the end, maybe he couldn't fake it any more. I think meeting someone on line is ok too but you have to make sure you meet them in person soon and you see them regularly. I think some people really feel that sexual attraction can build over time but I think that is not the case for most people...

[Ariel85]

But wouldn't the chemistry or lack thereof according to him, have been felt the first time he visited? I always thought chemistry is something you instantly feel being there or not there, and since the first trip went really well, doesn't that indicate that it was there?

 

No, because much like you, he also spent a year convincing himself you were "the one", and he was already mentally bought into the fantasy of you. When you met in person and he felt no attraction, I'm sure he tried to get himself over it and reconcile the lack of chemistry, because he liked you and wanted things to continue. But, he couldn't fake it anymore, hence him ending it.