Considering a divorce....

[minimini]

Those of you have read previous threads by me will think I'm really all over the place! But really, I think this is what it all boils down to. I think I want a divorce. I spent the better part of this year in an emotional affair (on-line), and I'm not planning on being with that guy or anything. It's actually over.... but I know that it happened for a reason.... because my marriage was already in the dumps. I've realized that the feelings I had during that affair are feelings that I want with a person in real life.... that I just don't have with my husband. I want the love, passion, excitement... and yes, I know those things are very superficial when they are part of an affair, but I also know that they CAN exist in real life.

 

My husband and I have been married almost 8 years, got married 5 months after we met. Sex was never a huge thing with us, but at least at the beginning we had sex. Now, we don't at all. I don't feel like initiating, and he never does either. It's been 3-4 months and it was probably a good 6 months before that. So, you might say, sex isn't everything. Well, we argue, a good amount. Definitely more than the normal couple. It's usually about lame crap.... but most of the things he does really annoy me. I find that our moral compasses don't match and we just have different ideas about how life should be.

 

We spent a better part of our marriage (the first 5 years) in and out of fertility treatments, and now have the most beautiful little girl. But she seems to be the only thing holding us together. We've said a lot of hurtful things to each other over the years, but I just don't know anymore. We just don't see eye to eye. We don't seem to have anything in common any more. I think that we may have come to far to turn back and make things better now. We don't have sex... and I'm not sure that we even love each other. He's actually a really good guy with a really nice family and all..... so what's wrong with me?? I keep struggling with this! How can it be the right thing to do?? And why is it that it is so easy for me to imagine my life without him in it??? Am I answering my own question?? In need of some real advice.....

[chitown9]

It sounds like marriage counseling would benefit both of you. I think you should give that a shot before youi ditch the marriage. You still may end up with a divorce, but at least you would put some effort into saving the marriage if both of you get professional help.... ..chi

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Marriage counselling and having a good heart to heart talk with your husband. Put the same energy into trying to save your marriage that you put into the emotional affair.

[winniethepooh]

I think I want a divorce.

But you're not sure?

 

I think a divorce is a big decision for most people. I wouldn't see it as a solution to relationship problems (except in extreme case such as abuse, infidelity, etc), but more as running away from relationship problems. Not trying to say it's wrong, but maybe it's not the only option open to you.

 

I spent the better part of this year in an emotional affair (on-line), and I'm not planning on being with that guy or anything. It's actually over....

Until you're sure that you've unwound yourself from that completely, it's likely to be still affecting your rationality.

 

but I know that it happened for a reason.... because my marriage was already in the dumps.

Maybe, but if your marriage is in the dumps, is the best way to deal with that by starting up with someone else, or trying to get it out of the dumps? I've been there, so your post resonates with me (and I ended up divorced, and I'm not happy about how I dealt with things, but it's far in the past now).

 

I've realized that the feelings I had during that affair are feelings that I want with a person in real life.... that I just don't have with my husband.

Feelings come and go, depending on our actions, where we are, who we meet, what they do, and so on and so on. I don't think it's a good idea to base significant life-changing decisions on feelings alone.

 

I want the love, passion, excitement... and yes, I know those things are very superficial when they are part of an affair, but I also know that they CAN exist in real life.

No matter who you're with, it's quite common for the initial feelings of excitement and passion to fade. Do you want them back with your husband? Maybe it's possible to do that.

 

My husband and I have been married almost 8 years, got married 5 months after we met. Sex was never a huge thing with us, but at least at the beginning we had sex. Now, we don't at all. I don't feel like initiating, and he never does either.

Well, I guess that reflects a lack of desire. Can you think of ways in which that desire could be rekindled?

 

So, you might say, sex isn't everything.

No, but it is big deal, and a strong driving force with respect to how we behave towards other people.

 

Well, we argue, a good amount. Definitely more than the normal couple.

Really? What's a normal level of argument?

 

It's usually about lame crap....

If it's mostly about lame crap, maybe the lame crap and arguments are more of a reflection of deeper issues than a reason in itself to give up?

 

but most of the things he does really annoy me.

Did they annoy you before? If not, why not? Or what has changed since you first met in terms of your behavior and his?

 

I find that our moral compasses don't match

Erm, how? I don't mean say so here, but something to consider. And erm, again, what would he say about this statement? Would it change if he knew about your affair?

 

and we just have different ideas about how life should be.

Well, that's important but are they really so different that divorce is the only solution? Have they changed significantly since you first met?

 

What were your ideas and goals about life before you met him? What were his? Have you and he helped each other towards them?

 

We spent a better part of our marriage (the first 5 years) in and out of fertility treatments, and now have the most beautiful little girl. But she seems to be the only thing holding us together.

Hmmmm ... A divorce is going to hurt you, and him, and your girl. Sounds like staying together without big changes is going to do the same. Whether or not people should stay together just for the sake of the children is a difficult moral decision, and I guess most people would say you shouldn't. I don't know about that, but I certainly think if children are the only glue that holds a relationship together, then that's very tough on the children.

 

We've said a lot of hurtful things to each other over the years,

Saying hurtful things can cause a lot of damage. Can you see any way to undo that damage?

 

but I just don't know anymore.

Then don't do anything drastic just because you don't know.

 

We just don't see eye to eye. We don't seem to have anything in common any more.

Did you ever? What changed? Apart from the affair you had - that has affected you obviously, but I expect has also affected your husband since if you become emotionally entangled with someone else, you will have become emotionally distant from your husband as a consequence. Or vice versa perhaps.

 

I think that we may have come to far to turn back and make things better now.

If you could turn back and make things better, would you want to? Would he?

 

and I'm not sure that we even love each other.

Again a comment indicating that you're conflicted rather than certain, again, I'd say be very careful about making a significant decision based on being unsure about things.

 

Love is a feeling, depends on many things. Love is also a verb, it's what you and he do to work towards improving the relationship.

 

He's actually a really good guy with a really nice family and all..... so what's wrong with me??

Ah. Well, what do you think is wrong with you?

 

I keep struggling with this! How can it be the right thing to do??

It's not, neither is staying together perhaps. Sounds to me like there is no straightfoward decision, but that's because you're basing your choices mostly on feelings. Try and put those aside and look for good rational reasons to stay or go.

 

And why is it that it is so easy for me to imagine my life without him in it???

Well, sounds like there are a number of negative factors in the relationship, so without him, you remove those factors. But also you've just had an affair, which overwhelms the feelings and distorts your perception. Remember too, that if you divorce, then you not only remove yourself from the bad, but also the good part of your relationship.

 

Am I answering my own question??

No, I don't think so, and I don't think you easily can. Neither can I or anyone else really.

 

Have you tried to discuss any of this with your husband? A problem is that if he doesn't know about your affair, then any discussion is distorted because some of your feelings might not make sense to him. On the other hand, if you do open up about your affair, then his reaction is likely to distort other feelings he might have. Maybe he even abruptly decides to walk.

 

There's a story on here from a while ago (sorry, I can't remember enough detail to be able to find it) but someone sounded quite sure that a divorce was his only option and there were a lot of reasons that seemed to support his decision. Nevertheless, some time passed (might have been a couple of years), and he came back and updated the topic with the news that he and his wife did not get divorced, but worked on things, reconnected, and had made a much better relationship together.

[benton88]

I want the love, passion, excitement... and yes, I know those things are very superficial when they are part of an affair, but I also know that they CAN exist in real life.

 

I was in your position and opted out of a marriage because I wanted the same things. As you do the cost-benefit analysis of staying vs. leaving, you need to keep in mind that you may leave your marriage and never find these things in another relationship. Here's an unpopular dose of reality -- you are a 37 year old woman with a kid and a finding a long-term relationship is not going to be as easy as it was before your current marriage. Before you were married, you were in your 20's and kid-free. By the time your divorce is final, you will be pushing 40 and a single parent. You will likely find that you have neither the time nor the money to hit the singles scene and when you do get our there, you need to find a guy that is willing to accept you and your daughter. Then, once you've found this guy, you have to hope that your new relationship provides the "love, passion, excitement" you marrigage is missing.

 

I agree with others, try marriage counseling first. The grass is rarely greener on the other side of the fence.

[LDRohnos]

I think a big mistake people make with GIGS is that the new relationship is going to be so much drastically different than their old one. Maybe it would be in the short term. Thing is, sometimes the baggage they carry over into the new relationship is their own and the same thing happens once again. This is why you see people getting divorced 2, 3 times in their life. They keep looking for something new but the real problem lies within themselves, not with the people they're marrying.

[OptomisticGirl]

Every relationship wears off with that 'passion filled'. You can regain it in a LTR but it takes work and communication.

[catfeeder]

Why not try out a separation before putting divorce on the table? Lots of couples use separation as a way to test what life would be like without the other, and this can lead them to a clear decision to either join marriage counseling and attempt salvage of the marriage or to part ways for good.

 

Using marriage counseling before that decision is clear can be a waste of money and effort. Once either partner believes themselves to be checked out, then going through the motions of counseling is purely a way to justify having tried 'everything' before ditching the partner--and that's an expensive road to zero. I'd separate first, THEN decide whether I'll want to invest in counseling or not. The answer will be clearer and more realistic.

[minimini]

winniethepooh... Thank you SO much for your detailed reply. I'm sure it took a while to consider and write, so I really appreciate it!!

 

Thanks for your responses everyone! Gave me so much to think about and consider. My husband actually does know about the affair... it's weird. He almost acts like it didn't happen. Makes me feel like her is so detached from us that he doesn't know which end is up! As far as separation, we have been living in different countries off and on for the past 2 years... for months at a time. It's been separate lives while we've been living apart. To tell you the truth, I actually feel a bit happier when I'm alone without him. That's why I'm considering the divorce. Looks like I have a lot of thinking to do.....

[Lester]

Auguring and separation can ruin sex and marriages.

Find out why you argue and take steps to stop doing it. Change jobs so you can be together. Educate yourself about “real” marriage. Avoid TV/Books/Movies/people that push quick drastic solutions to an ailing heart.

 

Divorce is full of nasty life long surprises.

[Pirandello]

Divorce is not the best option. I find that couples today don't seem to know how to deal with problems life sends them. It is perfectly normal that when you argue and don't get along it doesn't mean it's time to break up and end it, what the hell is going on these days? Where is the commitment? It's normal that sometimes we don't get along, we are human, male and female don't always see things eye to eye. It seems to me that every time there is an obstacle or a bump one of the partner wants to quit.

 

The sad part is the poor innocent child who will suffer in all of this. Having an affair or seeking help to the opposite sex is not a solution either. They will see you as vulnerable and try to destroy your marriage. They have an opinion based from an outside view of your marriage and for sure will convince you to end it. You are in it and only you can feel and know if you love your husband or not. For the love of god don't be another statistic, the divorce rate in north america is high enough.

 

Every couple loses that initial thrill you feel at beginning, it's normal. You just got to find it again. My ex and i got back together 3 times and found that feeling each time over and over. You just need to take some time apart. if your stuck on divorce, try separation instead, take time apart and tell him it's for the best of the marriage. The you will know if you can get back together again. But if you divorce it's very difficult to come back.

 

Good luck mini

[rocio]

This is one of those things nobody else can judge you for or answer for you. It's pretty condescending when people who have never been married take it upon themselves to lecture you about divorce statistics. Everyone thinks they have wonderful morals and values, but until you're in a situation where you're miserable and unfulfilled, you NEVER know how you yourself would react. Nobody can ever say they wouldn't have an affair, or they wouldn't leave a failed marriage, until they are 80 years old and on their death bed.

 

Only you know the right answer. My only advice to you is to give it every effort you possibly can, for your daughter's sake.

[Pirandello]

Honestly i don't care about divorce statistics, all i am saying is to avoid a divorce because it is something you will carry the rest of your life. I will give you a little example, I always wanted to get married, but i still haven't found that special girl that loves me for me, it's always because of money and sex. If they don't have this enough or missing just a little, they just split. That's why I am not married, if i was i would be divorced like at least 3 times by now. I am shocked and in disbelief how women these days quit their partner so easily. They give up so quickly and start looking for a new partner like they are looking for a new dress. In my parents days, couples would stick together in good times and BAD. I don't know if it's because of online dating or because of bad tv shows, for example kim kardashian and all those hollywood break ups... Maybe they show how easy it is to find someone else. It's all a big fantasy. I don't want to bash women here, but times have changed, it has been proven women cheat more than men now, and they are the first ones to leave the relationship.

[rocio]

Pirandello, I strongly doubt that your girlfriends were using you for sex. I know you're bitter about your experiences but you can't generalise. I doubt that Kim Kardashian plays a huge role in the OP's major life decisions.

[OptomisticGirl]

I think your HIGHLY generalizing here Pirandello. If your past girlfriends were only loving you because of money and sex then perhaps it's time to look at the TYPE of woman you seek. Women are also not the only ones who just easily leave relationships, men do it just as quick and just as easily and I'd like to see WERE it's proven women cheat more than men. I'm all for working out issues but sometimes it's better to be bitterly divorced than stuck in a unhappy marriage - the latter does far more damage to children than the former.

[abitbroken]

I think that if you are living in different countries, you need to get together. That is what is going to save your marriage. Whether you want to admit it or not, the emotional affair could have happened out of loneliness. LDR is hard, so is long distance marriage. Visiting him for a romantic weekend with grandparents watching the child, etc, might be in order. Even periodic visits or you looking for a job where he is at or vice versa. I think first, though you need to end the contact with the emotional affair if you are in any contact, and go to counseling or fill your time with things that make you feel like you matter, like volunteering. Sometimes affairs come from people that just can't be alone with their own faults. And you did have what you had with the emotional affair. Thats why you got married 5 months after meeting.

[Pirandello]

all i am saying is that there is an old cliche on men bashing, and always putting all men in the same boat, and that is wrong and it has to stop, and until that keeps on going, the break ups and divorces will continue at a staggering rate. I hear women say: ''men are cheaters'' all the time. Choose your men wisely.

[OptomisticGirl]

all i am saying is that there is an old cliche on men bashing, and always putting all men in the same boat, and that is wrong and it has to stop, and until that keeps on going, the break ups and divorces will continue at a staggering rate. I hear women say: ''men are cheaters'' all the time. Choose your men wisely.

 

Just as it's it's wrong to group all women in the same boat. Not all beak ups and divorces are due to cheating either.

[agent1607307371]

Mod Note: Please stay on topic and refrain from gender stereotypes.

[Pirandello]

Mod Note: Please stay on topic and refrain from gender stereotypes.

 

sorry, i was a little bitter when i wrote that... going through a break up. my apologies.

[winniethepooh]

winniethepooh... Thank you SO much for your detailed reply. I'm sure it took a while to consider and write, so I really appreciate it!!

You're welcome. I'm happy if it helps you in some way

 

My husband actually does know about the affair... it's weird. He almost acts like it didn't happen.

Hmmmm. Ok, not sure what to think about that.

 

Makes me feel like her is so detached from us that he doesn't know which end is up!

Presume you meant "he." Yes, maybe it does reflect a significant detachment from the relationship on his part.

 

As far as separation, we have been living in different countries off and on for the past 2 years... for months at a time. It's been separate lives while we've been living apart.

Well, I think geographical separation for long periods of time increases the chances of having an affair (emotional or otherwise). How likely is it that he's been with other women? And if he has, what do you think and feel about that?

 

Is the separation by choice (well, in a way it always is), but I mean are there good reasons for that lifestyle?

 

To tell you the truth, I actually feel a bit happier when I'm alone without him.

Ah. Why?

 

That's why I'm considering the divorce.

Hmmmm. Do you even feel like you're in a relationship with him at present? Maybe you're already divorced in your mind, just not on paper? But if you eventually want to be in a serious relationship, if you and he can find a way to work back towards that together, that seems to make more sense to me than splitting up and looking for someone else to do that with.

 

Looks like I have a lot of thinking to do.....

Yes, I guess you do. And perhaps a bit of talking to him also