Insecurity leading to unecessary thinking?

[curious987]

I've been with my boyfriend for about 2 years now. More if you count when we were unofficially together for a year. Anyway...back in April he broke up with me. The breakup lasted about 2-3 months. It wasn't a real pleasant one...but we both ended up working things out and now we're back together, and its been great. We seem closer now that we are aware of eachothers needs more than before the breakup.

 

There seems to be a lot of love on both sides, and a lot of effort on both sides, so its good : )

 

My problem....is that I was not toally expecting the breakup. He did not talk to me about it at all. Very out of the blue, saying he'd been thinking about it for weeks, yet I never picked up on anything : s He was abrupt, rude, disrespectful etc.

 

This scares me. A lot.

 

Now that we have been more open and communicative with eachother, we've worked everything out....and we came to the agreement that if either one of us is unhappy, that we MUST talk about it, rather than let it build, turn into resentment, and ruin everything.

 

But a part of me thinks....what if he still doesn't tell me if things get bad? He was so spontaneous last time...so how do I know what he's REALLY thinking now? I should be past it. We've been back together for about 5 months.

 

So....because of this fear that he may unexpectedly break up with me at any moment....I have started to prepare myself for it. And as you can probably imagine....that is rather depressing. Being in a relationship, being happy, loving them, but at the same time, expecting them to break up with you at any moment? It sucks, but I can't seem to get completely past the break up.

 

Do you guys think this will go away in time? I've talked to a close friend about this...and she said "What makes you think he's going to leave you?". and my response was "Only the simple fact that he has done it before, and it was so random, I had no idea. It scares me."

 

This can't be healthy....can it?

[camus154]

No, it's not really healthy. But here's the thing. You'll never get a guarantee from anyone, not just your boyfriend, that they won't break up with you out of the blue. It's never going to happen. So you're already accepting that risk when you date, and you're doubly accepting that risk when you went back with your boyfriend since he already did it once before.

 

So I think you need to trust that he won't bottle things up any more, and even if he does you'll survive--remember, no guarantees with anyone. No need to worry excessively over it.

[nutbrownhare]

If you've been back together for five months, and everything seems to be fine - then just enjoy it. If it helps, just enjoy 'one day at a time' and don't sweat too much about the future until you're actually making plans.

 

Unfortunately, if we think someone's going to break up with us then it will show in all sorts of subtle ways, ironically driving them away and then resulting in the very outcome we were protecting ourselves from in the first place. A self-fulfilling prophecy, if you like. Even though you think you're protecting yourself, it won't make it any easier IF it happens - and from what you've said, it doesn't sound as though it will.

 

He's already had the experience of things being much better between you since you've been more open with each other. He obviously didn't enjoy being without you, either, or he'd have found someone else or just stayed single. He didn't. You ended up working things out, and now things have been fine for a good length of time.

 

I feel for you, I really do. When I was a lot younger, I had a couple of boyfriends who I considered were too good for me. Looking back, that was absolute rubbish and had nothing to do with them - but a lot to do with my own poor self-esteem. I was so convinced that they were going to finish with me out of the blue, that I ended up finishing the relationship because I couldn't stand the strain any more - thereby causing completely unnecessary pain for both of us. Please, don't be that girl!

 

And good luck!

[Raaawr]

By protecting yourself you are already building a wall to shut him out. The longer it lasts the more you will distance yourself from him and lead to an eventual break up anyway.

 

Any relationship can end abruptly. You just have to trust in this new agreement you have made that wasn't there before. Right now you may be thinking it was completely abrupt but maybe if it starts heading that way again you will notice a similar behaviour that you didnt see before and youll have time to prepare. Youve already been through it once so you've learned something. Just arm yourself with what you've learned and be happy and enjoy where your relationship is now.

[jellysandwich]

My problem....is that I was not toally expecting the breakup. He did not talk to me about it at all. Very out of the blue, saying he'd been thinking about it for weeks, yet I never picked up on anything : s He was abrupt, rude, disrespectful etc.

 

There are always signs ... I think you just didn't pick up on them.