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I think I may be making a mistake.


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My gf of just over 1.5 years and I broke up in early October. It wasn't a messy BU as we were having problems and I kind of expected it to happen. She said she still wanted to be friends, how much she loved me and how important I am to her and she always wants me to be a part of her life. I was still very hurt and had a difficult time with my everday life, felt like I was just going through the motions etc. Since then I started going to the gym full time which has been a very positive outlet for me. We have had stretches of NC but would meet up for coffee and chat, which would kinda set me back.. through those chats I also found out she had gone a little crazy after our BU and has slept with 8 different guys.. she is a very sexual person and I think since I was only her second she just wanted to let loose see whats out there and try and build her self esteem, maybe feel desired..escape the healing process. I'm not sure. But I understand and accept why this happened.

 

About a week ago, I sent her a message that basically said as much as I love her, I can't be her friend and I need to let her go. She responded with "OK" and then I was awoken with a phone call of her wanting to talk..we met that night which led to a premature reconciliation that only lasted 5 days. I ended it because she was still not ready to be in a relationship. She would voice her concerns about being apprehensive and so it was an easy decision for me to make..

 

So this brings us up to now..

 

After our recent BU she said she is going to face this BU head on, and do this the right way. Focus her energy on positive things in life (like I am doing) and she said she wants to do this with me until we are both at a point where we can say we will try to be with eachother again, or we will not. She also says she can't just be alone, but is trying to not let her needs "define" her. So she is now sleeping with just one other guy. She says its just sex and she isn't interested in anything else..

 

After a lot of thought today I told her I would be willing to go through this process, with her. I told her that I don't want us to see eachother more than twice a week and that we can't fool around, and at some point we can make a choice on if we want to get back together or not.

 

Am I a doormat? Re-reading this it makes me look incredibly weak that I am still even letting her be a part of my life.. We had a great relationship, I think she is a wonderful person, but is just very confused and needs to find herself.

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A good friend of mine once said, if it looks like it works, and it feels like it works, then it works.

 

From my perspective, you're setting yourself up for future heartbreak. 8 guys? In what, 6 weeks? After a 1.5 year relationship? She actually told you that? And you're ok listening to it? If it were me, I'd be climbing the walls. You're not me though, at the end of the day.

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If you don't want to be with her in a relationship then there is no point being friends with her, you have expressed how this hasn't helped. You don't need to be there for her to 'heal' that is something she has to do by herself. But 8 guys? Blimey, i'm suprised you are still hanging around after that knowledge, i personally wouldn't. And she cant say her sleeping with this one guy, as far as you are aware, wont develop into something else, there is a high chance it could.

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I think you should tell her that you are going to assume the relationship is over for good and are going to heal and move on - which requires that you don't contact her and she doesn't contact you.

 

If at some point she wants to try again then she should call you and you will decide what to do then but she should not assume you will be waiting for her or that you will be available.

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Time to move on from this woman. Would you really want to reconcile with a woman who is this promiscuous and needs sex in order to sooth herself from a break up. This goes beyond sexual gratification with her...sex seems to define who she is and define her sense of self. She is an emotional mess and you don't have to tag along for the ride.

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Thanks guys.

 

Just a couple things. Sex was the cause of 99% of our problems. It was really the only thing we argued about. I have never experienced any problems regarding sex in any previous relationships. I just could never seem to keep up with her, and since it led to so many arguements, I think I started to desire it less, and less..and it became almost like a chore, which just made things worse. So with me expecting the impending BU I guess I assumed she would go out and seek other men, just not to that extent. I guess I braced myself. I kinda wish it bothered me more..I'm not sure why it doesn't, because I do love her to pieces.

 

I do want her to find herself, and hopefully come back to me, and realize what she has been doing is self destructive but I guess I can't put my life on hold doing that. If going through the healing process with her and still spending time with her is really going to set me back, and I have to truly let her go..how should I go about doing that with grace? Especially after telling her I would do this with her and not abandon her? I don't want to come accross as an * * * * * * * , because I am not one.

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You just need to simply tell her that in order for both of you to heal you have to go your separate ways. It is the only way it will work.

 

So strict NC? And am I closing the door on any hope of future reconcilliation? Should I do this via phone, or in person. I am supposed to see her Tuesday night..

 

Maybe I should just send her a link to this thread hahah..

 

I feel like I'm betraying her trust by going back on what I said. Sigh.. emotions are very unpleasant.

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Personally i would say yes to the NC otherwise she will just update you on her 'sexual conquests'. She has issues she needs to deal with, and you need to heal so NC is probably the best way.

 

Do this in the way you feel most comfortable, but be careful if you do it face to face there is a higher chance you will change your mind because she may get upset with you, but just keep to your guns. And you are not betraying her trust, you have simply re-evaluated the situation and you have realised that NC is the way to go. She may disagree with you, but you know that you need to do this.

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I think if you went through with what she's asking you to, you'd reduce any chances of reconcilliation way more. She's not entirely showing you a lot of respect by admitting all this to you. By sticking around on the sidelines, it's kind of portraying yourself as a doormat.

 

You're not breaking up with her. It's up to you how you tell her you're not going to be sticking around (if that is what you're going to do), but I think, beyond actually spelling out your intentions, I don't think there's any etiquette precedent as to how you should break that news. I'd do it in whatever way feels most comfortable to you.

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I think if you went through with what she's asking you to, you'd reduce any chances of reconcilliation way more. She's not entirely showing you a lot of respect by admitting all this to you. By sticking around on the sidelines, it's kind of portraying yourself as a doormat.

 

You're not breaking up with her. It's up to you how you tell her you're not going to be sticking around (if that is what you're going to do), but I think, beyond actually spelling out your intentions, I don't think there's any etiquette precedent as to how you should break that news. I'd do it in whatever way feels most comfortable to you.

 

I agree with this. It sounds to me like you're blaming yourself for the break-up AND for her sleeping with 8 guys in the last six weeks or so. You're taking too much on yourself. She's an adult and is responsible for her behavior, which includes playing mind games with you. I think you need to back WAY off from her -- as Mellie said, don't stick around to be treated like a doormat. You might tell her that, at this point, you need space -- that you just need to be on your own and not hear from her for awhile while you process things. Personally, I'd do it either in e-mail or a phone call, NOT in person, but...it's up to you. Don't make it dramatic or emotional, don't make it sound angry or like an ultimatum -- just set clear, firm, healthy boundaries.

 

As a side note: I'm not going to tell you what to do in regard to future reconciliation -- my advice is solely based on the premise of you moving on -- but...you really need to give yourself time and space to consider whether this is someone you'd really want to be with or not. I mean, eight guys in six weeks? And, she was just with you, and now she's with someone else and "can't be alone"? I'm not going to judge her morals, but she definitely has issues with needing male attention in a very unhealthy way, and it's just something you need to consider if she comes after you again wanting you back.

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Agree with all the posts here. You need to carry on focussing on you. Get back into the gym, do things that make you happy and work on getting better. She needs to sort herself out without you trying to be her emotional crutch. Just take responsibility for any issues you had during youre relationship and go about trying to fix them. Preparing you for a better relationship next time...probably with someone else too

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Ok, I tend to agree with the other replies - basically, move on and leave her alone. Especially because the sex thing with her is probably going to come up again and again while you're together, and that's going to burn you. But I'll try and give you different perspective just to confuse things a bit more ...

 

 

Sounds like she wants to have her cake and eat it, so to speak. Not that I ever know what the hell else you're supposed to do with the piece of cake if you're not going to eat it.

 

I think that given you've been together 1.5 years, that's long enough to have some idea of what you're like, the connection you have, viewpoints on fundamental issues (marriage, kids, etc). So now, you and her can choose to discuss the relationship until such point as you can see clearly that it's worth moving on together, or time to go your separate ways. But I agree, if there's anyone else in the picture, that just messes you both up. It would be difficult enough anyway since you're both in an emotionally unstable state.

 

 

Well, this seems to be the heart of your problem if you and her want a relationship. And if you haven't had problems of this nature in other relationships, then it reflects an issue with your physical connection with her. Although sometimes I think problems with sex might reflect and/or mask other issues. If that's the case, do you have any idea what they might be?

 

I mean for example, if she is just playing you or using you, you might be in denial about that but the problem manifests itself in the bedroom.

 

Nevertheless, unless you can find a realistic way to overcome this disconnect, it doesn't sound like a relationship with her is going to work.

 

And based on the other comments you have made, it seems like her solution is to sleep with multiple partners. Is that a situation you would be happy with long term? I've never personally heard of a relationship like that which works long-term, although I have come accross some posts on here from a couple of people who SEEM to be in a relationship like that successfully.

 

If you and her do want to try and move forward together, then her sleeping with other partners, even if it's "just sex" (and I think it rarely is) will at the very least, cloud both of your emotional states, and they are already cloudy enough.

 

The simple and obvious way forwards from here looks like you and her leaving each other alone until she has "found herself" and you have healed and are happy again. But if you and her want to work on this together, then she has to make some sacrifices (stop sleeping with other partners), and you have to figure out what it is that is affecting your sex drive and if it's fixable.

 

 

Interesting. Maybe you don't love her that much. If any of your previous partners had slept with someone else while they were with you, how do you think you would have felt at the time?

 

 

You don't know what she'll want after she's found herself. What she's doing certainly comes accross as self-destructive, and I agree. But who are we to judge. If that's what she wants to do, and she's not willing to consider the implications of her behavior, then all you can really do is let her go and do it. And I think it's better for your own sanity if you let her do that without you in the picture in any way.

 

 

Tell her you have considered the issue again, and you cannot see this plan in a positive light for you. You understand that she wants to "find herself" but that you need to protect yourself from further hurt, and heal, and some of the things she wants to do to find herself conflict with that process.

 

You could say you are willing to discuss it with her further but only if she can assure you that she is going to stop sleeping with other partners (and ask her how she plans to assure you of this).

 

 

No, it doesn't sound like you are. And it is quite possible (quite likely?) you are being too soft and taking on a doormat role. One way to find out is to put your foot down, tell her that this is a nonsense situation and you're not having any more of it, and cut off all further communication. But don't expect or hope that she will contact you if you do that.

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Hey, Pisces guy, Pisces here. Be aware that it is typical for us to be sensitive to other’s suffering to an extent where we forget out own suffering and needs. I can totally relate to how you feel, but staying in limbo helps neither of you-she will be dragging her mess for a longer time, because she would always be confused who she actually wants-you or other men, and since you make it so easy for her to have you…it is like giving too much choice of candy to a child, they often get stuck and do not know what to choose. You give one type of candy-and the child is happy-they get their candy and you spare them from the confusion.

 

Staying in this limbo situation is also detrimental for you-you are already 39, are you willing to waste precious time of the most beautiful age in your life, torture yourself and after 1 year realize that all this time was wasted? She’s just guilt tripping you on the basis of her not being satisfied by your sexual life. Else I cannot understand how you could calmly accept the fact that she slept with an army of other men, and still took her back, even for 5 days. Go NC and as other say, let her sort out her mess. If she still wants you after some LONG period of time, she will find you. And if she does, tell her that infidelity, coupled with lame excuses as to how sexual she is, is not something that you would accept. Setting firm boundaries has always been a challenge for most Pisces that I know. Good luck

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Thanks again to each and all of you for your input. I know now what needs to be done. Yesterday when I made the choice to heal along side her I was clouded with emotion. Now that I am more calm I can see the error in my logic. I had told her that her being with someone else hurts me, but I would never tell her what to do. She asked if I would rather her come to me, which I said no. That would just complicate things further, and the fact that she would rather continue sleeping with him anyways during this time shows me that she is still not willing to properly deal with this BU.

 

 

 

Thank you for all your input and analysis, I really appreciate it.

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It will be an enormous challenge, but you're right. I am just acting as a doormat for her..and basically telling her that I'm ok with her doing whatever the * * * * it is she wants to do and I'll just sit idly by. Well that changes now. Oh and I'm 26, the number 72 in my screen name is just my favorite number

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Maybe I'm throwing a spanner into the works here. I'm one of the "older women" on ENA. I'm not really shocked by her sleeping arrangements even though it isn't what I'd want to be doing myself. However, I do believe that a lot of people have those sorts of issues, especially when younger that they do come to a point where they can look at them honestly, move through it all onto a much better place - often with professional help. I don't necessarily believe that a person's sexual history when they are in their 20's defines who they are and how their life will turn out.

 

You in the meantime, need to take care of yourself. I'm guessing that there is some genuine love there on both sides, but that at this point in time, it's best for both of you to take care of yourselves separately, and for time to pass for both of you.

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I like the thought of having her in my life and moving forward together but I will not tell her what to do, so if she decides to make that choice on her own accord than great, but I think that will be highly unlikely.

Yes, I agree.

 

I know this, I love her more than I have loved any previous partners I've had. I have had one ex gf who cheated on me and it drove me insane. So I do have those emotions in me, perhaps I have just matured in a way that deals with those negative emotions in a more positive way? I've always been an internalizer as well, so maybe I was just able to bury all the pain and hurt.

My opinion is that one should be careful about burying emotions, I think sometimes they can come back and bite us in the arse unexpectedly.

 

I don't know why you feel somewhat indifferent to her sleeping around, and maybe you don't either. It might reflect a lack of desire on your part, it might reflect buried past emotions, it might reflect something else. I expect it reflects something but I doubt that's easy to figure out just from comments on the internet. Time away from her might be one way to figure out why.

 

As hard as it will be to do, I now know that this is what must be done.

Yes, that sounds sensible to me too. Good luck

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Hey again everyone. Well we decided that we would be best off parting ways and let time sort this out. The only other thing is that this year we are both going to be spending xmas alone, as she has no family here and mine is going away for the holiday and I have to work so we decided that we can at least be there for eachother on christmas. Other than that tho I'll be going through this healing process on my own. I haven't initiated any strict NC rule.

 

Thoughts?

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You don't have to tell her you're going NC, you can just do it... or not, as you choose. If you don't tell her, you aren't breaking any sort of agreement or understanding, or leaving her with a feeling like she can't contact you, either.

 

Is doing Christmas together going to set you back? Is it going to keep you holding on to hope? That would be my main concerns with making plans like that.

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  • 3 weeks later...

Well only a handful more days until this xmas thing is over with and I can begin full NC. Just plan to act as nonchalant as possible and part ways without being dramatic. I can't say much has changed over the past few weeks being in LC with ex. I've been continuing my life of work/gym/occasional partying and she is now apparently in a relationship.

 

I told her last night that out of respect for her bf and herself that xmas was probably a bad idea and she responded with.. "Do whatever it is you want, he doesn't need to know, we don't talk about our exs. I dont want you to do this for me out of pity."

 

I don't have the energy to try and dissect that verbal abortion I kinda want to just call off the whole thing but I don't wanna come accross as rattled, or weak. Im just gonna get this day over with and say bye. She knows that I will be vanishing, I've made that clear...she still wants to stay friends, which I still find strange even more so now that shes in a relationship.

 

Our conversation ended with her saying, "I think in the future we will be friends" To which I responded.. "The futures not ours to see..I'll know when I'm ready." And that was that... hurry up Dec 25th, this is getting annoying.

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