Received Birthday Email...Respond or Not?

[EgoJoe]

I think you answered my questions with the bolding very well. The only ownership in this is that he knows it's your birthday and would LIKE to wish you a HBD...

 

OP, tell me what you think about that?

 

"Sorry..." vs "I am sorry." "I'm writing you TO wish you a happy birthday." vs "I know it's your birthday and would LIKE to wish you a happy birthday."

 

Then the kicker, "Also want to wish you the best in everything etc."

 

Here is what I read.

 

"Sorry I have to start my letter apologizing so I'm going to take very little ownership. It's your birthday and I'm making it about me and how gracious I am to wish you well in things. With any luck you'll be having fun therefore justifying how easy it was for you to move on and subsequently showing me how little I meant to you therefore rationalizing my decision. Don't do anything stupid...I may need a security blanket when someone with more self-respect catches on to my act."

 

Sincerely,

Your Ex's Ego

 

Don't respond. Being nice will cause him to think you've moved on easily. Being mean will show that you haven't and he'll be in no hurry to do anything else.

[Mellie]

What he said.

 

"Please always take care of yourself"? This shows that, in his head, you're on a huge downer and must still be utterly devastated at his leaving. It is an ego thing and he's just there for a stroke. I don't think that was an appropriate thing to say, definitely not on your birthday. It is making it all about him.

 

If he'd just said happy birthday and left it at that, but honestly, you really don't need his pity, and that's how that message reads. I'd take some of the power back by (a) ignoring him and (b) doing everything in your power to go out and have a good time without him.

[purpleberry]

I agree with Mellie.

 

I would advise not replying for the time being, since he waited 3 weeks to send this email. I think he feels guilty. If you reply, it only lessens his guilt and boosts his ego. However, if you really want to be polite, a simple thank you is good enough.

[winniethepooh]

Despite expecting otherwise, the ex sent me an e-mail for my birthday. His e-mail essentially said, sorry for not replying immediately (to my very short final goodbye e-mail sent 3 weeks ago, I wasn't expecting a response anyway and did it for my own closure as I wanted finality). So sorry still for everything. I know it's your birthday and would like to wish you Happy Birthday. Also want to wish you the best in everything. Really hope you have a good time and please always take care of yourself.

Ouch I'm sure he meant well, but it just sounds polite and distant. Painful for you.

 

I don't want to respond.

Then don't. He left you to be alone, you can and should be doing what you want.

 

Just reading the damned thing drains so much energy from me and I am certain I will feel the same or even worse if I do respond.

Then don't. As you say, you know it will drain even more energy.

 

I appreciate the greeting, I really do. I just don't have it in me to respond or communicate with him for a while. I feel it will set me back in my healing.

Exactly.

 

However, I am open to a possible friendship/being on good terms waaaay down in the future and do not want to burn bridges.

Bridges aren't burnt by doing nothing, unless a fire is already burning. As far as I can tell, there's no fire.

 

Anyway, you shouldn't be worried about whether or not you want a friendship until after you have healed from the break-up. You might not even want a friendship then.

 

As for reconciliation, I am still undecided. Sometimes I think I want it (waaay down in the future, perhaps), sometimes I don't. I ask myself this question so many times and I never have a steadfast answer. There are days or moments when I do, other times I don't. It has only been 6 weeks since the B.U.

Another good reason not to respond. Don't try to initiate something when you don't even know what you want.

 

Since I am still in regular contact with his parents

Is there a good reason for that? I think it would be better for you if you weren't.

 

(very LTR and parents considered me their daughter-in-law already),

You're not their daughter-in-law anymore I think.

 

I am considering just relaying my message of thanks to his parents to impart to him. Is this okay?

No, if you really want to communicate a thank you, send it directly to him. Information flow can be confusing enough at the best of times between two people. Don't start introducing third parties.

 

I am also considering relaying a message that I might block him on FB.

To who? Him or his parents or both? Doesn't matter, just do it. Telling someone you might block them sounds strange (well, worse than that but I wanted to try and be polite).

 

Just as a possible heads up if I do decide to go this route. His parents have been very impartial, they usually just check up on me and want to make sure I'm okay.

Tell them you're fine and you'll see about getting in touch with them once you've recovered from the break-up. If you have a good relationship with them, they should understand that.

 

Again, I don't want to burn bridges.

You won't.

 

Break up was as amicable as it could get. But we were together for soooo long, and I know I really need time and space to recover and completely heal from this. What should I do?

Yes, you do. Leave him alone as much as possible until you heal.

 

... And now, after reading a few of your other threads about the breakup, I'm even more convinced you should leave him alone as much as possible. Don't send any sort of reply.

[SweetSeul]

Thank you everyone for all the insights and advice.

 

Even if you never expected a response, he avoided what was said and gave a general response.

 

Well, the goodbye e-mail I sent weeks ago didn't really have much except: "appreciate the honesty, best of luck in everything, good bye, thank you for what we shared" This is why I wasn't expecting a response or anything on his part after sending it.

 

Anyhow, the message I posted of his is just the gist and not verbatim. He mentioned stuff about not knowing what to say blah blah.

 

Thank you though EgoJoe, doiiiieeezie, Mellie and those who broke down the message bit by bit like that. It honestly had not crossed my mind that the message was more for him to feel better about himself than to sincerely greet me for my birthday. Like I said, this thing has sucked up so much of my energy that I can't even bothered to analyse the message and break it down anymore. I guess I've just resigned to accepting things as they're presented since I've spent so much time and effort going over everything he said, did, etc. and at this point I am exhausted so if he sent a message on my birthday I just assumed it was to wish me a Happy Birthday.

 

But apparently as you have pointed out, it is for him to feel better about himself and that he did that for himself than for anything else.

 

I will stick to my initial instinct and not respond. Though I am also not ruling out sending a belated Thank You a few weeks down the line, if I feel up for it. Might even combine it with a short Christmas wish too to get all those out of the way.

 

As for Facebook, at the moment I can still tolerate staying virtual friends with him. I don't go to his profile (thanks to some apps I downloaded that block it) and I have also unsubscribed from his updates. I sometimes catch a glimpse of the thumbnail of his profile photo and his name sometimes and I just feel numb whenever I see it. Wonder what does mean?

 

If it does get too much, I will block him (maybe when he has someone new already). But at the moment it seems I can still maintain the Facebook ties alongside my sanity. Thank you again to everyone and looks like I'm still on a roll with my NC. Day 18 today!

[winniethepooh]

I will stick to my initial instinct and not respond. Though I am also not ruling out sending a belated Thank You a few weeks down the line, if I feel up for it. Might even combine it with a short Christmas wish too to get all those out of the way.

Thank you for what? You already said thank you in your last letter, and that cost you a great deal of emotional energy. You have to keep it all for yourself now.

 

As for Facebook, at the moment I can still tolerate staying virtual friends with him. I don't go to his profile (thanks to some apps I downloaded that block it) and I have also unsubscribed from his updates.

You're broken up with him. Any sort of friendship (virtual or otherwise) is something to worry about many months from now. Or years. Or never. Just the fact that you are posting about this here means it is affecting you, even if you think it isn't. And is yet more unnecessary energy drain.

 

I sometimes catch a glimpse of the thumbnail of his profile photo and his name sometimes and I just feel numb whenever I see it. Wonder what does mean?

It means you're not over him yet Block or delete his FB profile completely.

 

If it does get too much, I will block him (maybe when he has someone new already). But at the moment it seems I can still maintain the Facebook ties alongside my sanity.

But it sounds to me like it's slowing down your recovery.

 

Thank you again to everyone and looks like I'm still on a roll with my NC. Day 18 today!

Keep moving forwards. Good luck for days 19 ... 20 ... 21 ...