Believe ex's promises?

[Promises10]

If your ex promised you that you would hear from him/her again, that you would see him/her again, and they swore on his/her family, would you believe him/her?

 

My ex recently left me for someone else. We were not together very long, but this breakup has caused me so much pain. When asked if we would ever be together again, he said not now, not in the near future, but possibly in the future, but it won't be for a long time. He said that he wants to be friends, but we can't have any contact right now. He suggested NC and as much as it hurts to not have contact, I agreed.

 

I understand that NC is for healing, but I also understand that if there is any chance of ever hearing from or seeing your ex again, and if there is any chance of future reconciliation, you must leave your ex alone.

 

Because NC is mutual, I'm unsure as to who would make contact first. I'm assuming that it would have to be him, since he was the one who left me.

 

Holding on to his promises will only prolong my pain, but I truly want to believe that his promises are sincere.

 

This has been one of the worst experiences of my life. I just hope I can get through this, whether his promises are sincere or not.

[Scuza]

If you choose to believe his promises, it will only be an obstruction to your own healing.

If you really want to make progress forward, you need to believe that you won't ever see him again, and need to fully accept this.

If you hang on his words, they will anchor you to him, and you will be hindered every time you try to move on.

Maybe you will see him, maybe you won't. But don't expect to, and don't keep hoping you will, it will only set you back.

Best of luck with everything, it only gets better from where you are

[Promises10]

He swore on his family that I would hear from him and see him again. I know that I shouldn't believe him, because it will only cause me more pain, but to make a promise and swear on your family's life, that's serious.

 

If I begin to let go, move on, and if I do ever hear from him or see him again, then I'll know his promises were sincere, and if I don't, then I'll know he wasn't who I thought he was.

 

Only time will tell.

[Promises10]

Responses to the following would be appreciated:

 

Chances of ever hearing from or seeing your ex again, and any chances of future reconciliation, you must leave your ex alone and go NC. Is that right?

 

If contact were to ever be made, who would have to initiate it? NC was suggested by my ex (Dumper), but he promised that I would hear from him. I was left for someone else, so any contact would have to come from him. Is that right?

[nestorZ]

You should most definetly NOT contact him. And if he reaches out to you while he is still with someone else, ignore that as well.

 

When he's single again and when alot of time has passed, then talk to him.

 

Leaving someone for someone else is an atrocious thing to do, because it shows that the new relationship was in the making a long time while he was still with you.

 

You're better off without someone like that. That's what I think, maybe I'm wrong.

[lanaa]

My ex swore on his father and broke it! his father has been dead since my ex was 6 years old and it is very big for him to swear on his father!!he did it only in big stuff..so i was surprised,hurt,angry

[purplekangaroo]

lanaa~

 

I can feel your pain over the Internet. I'm sorry you're going through this!

 

Your breakup is still fresh, and I'm sure you're still counting the days of NC and hoping they will come to an end at some point. Please start trying to think of 30, 60 days as landmarks to pass, not some sort of countdown to a return to the past. While there is, of course, a chance that this relationship will be rejuvenated, the most likely outcome is that you will move on and want no part of it. I'm sure that thought seems outrageous now, but you are moving towards it. NestorZ is right about leaving someone for someone else.

 

Please cease asking him questions about the future if you haven't yet. (You shouldn't speak with him at all!) You give him all sorts of power over you when ask if and when you'll be together again.

 

You say that the NC is "mutual," but the cold reality is that you have no choice. He has terminated the relationship (in a less than honorable way) and is under no obligation to continue any exchange with you. If exchange is desperate and reminds him of his own guilt, he surely will want no part of it, now or in the future.

 

NC is the way, lanaa. AND YOU WILL BE OKAY. Come post here if you want to contact. There are many nice people who will talk you out of it.

 

I've been where you are, and moved past it. It is normal to feel desperate and hopeless and refuse to embrace the idea of moving on at first. You will, even if it takes a mighty long time. There is no way around but through; let people here help you.

 

Good luck!

[winniethepooh]

If your ex promised you that you would hear from him/her again, that you would see him/her again, and they swore on his/her family, would you believe him/her?

If that was said during a break-up, no. But it doesn't serve you to wonder whether he will or not. Especially because ...

 

My ex recently left me for someone else.

Erm, usually in relationships there is an understanding that partners are faithful to each other, and don't make plans to leave for someone else. In which case, I would treat any promises he made after this as worthless.

 

We were not together very long, but this breakup has caused me so much pain.

Maybe because of the way he left you. Maybe because you were much more invested than he was. Maybe because you saw him in you future more than he saw you in his.

 

When asked if we would ever be together again, he said not now, not in the near future, but possibly in the future, but it won't be for a long time.

Not a good question to ask under the circumstances. He might have just said that because he thought that was what you wanted to hear. You don't know. And anyway, he couldn't know, and it wasn't respectful or realistic for him to make those promises or statements.

 

He said that he wants to be friends,

Meaningless. He left you in a very disrespectful way, to say the least, so that's your choice whether or not you want to consider that. In the future, long after you've healed from the break-up.

 

but we can't have any contact right now. He suggested NC and as much as it hurts to not have contact, I agreed.

It will hurt less for you to leave him alone. It will still hurt, but you will recover faster.

 

I understand that NC is for healing, but I also understand that if there is any chance of ever hearing from or seeing your ex again, and if there is any chance of future reconciliation, you must leave your ex alone.

Well, no. If two people leave each other alone completely, then they won't connect, and that needs to happen to reconcile or start a new relationship. But that's academic now and irrelevant to your situation.

 

You are leaving him alone because he chose to leave the relationship, and you are respecting and accepting his decision even if you don't agree with it.

 

Because NC is mutual, I'm unsure as to who would make contact first. I'm assuming that it would have to be him, since he was the one who left me.

Well, anyone can make contact first but usually it's a bad idea if the person who was left does it, because it starts things off in a very unbalanced way.

 

Anyway, more importantly, if you contact him and interfere with the new relationship, no matter what happens, there isn't a good outcome for you.

 

Holding on to his promises will only prolong my pain, but I truly want to believe that his promises are sincere.

You can't possibly know if his promises are sincere or not, neither can we. To be honest, I doubt they were.

 

This has been one of the worst experiences of my life. I just hope I can get through this, whether his promises are sincere or not.

Yes, I'm sure it has At the moment you're focused on a possible (but unknown) future to try and get you through the present. Try and focus on a future that you can be in control of - that's one in which you heal, you live towards your own goals and dreams (not one involving him). It's really really hard right now to do that but just take one day at a time. Do everything you can to leave him alone and not receive information from or about him.

 

And the sooner you can let go of his promises and dismiss them, the sooner you will start getting better.

[Promises10]

I can't seem to let go of his promises. I understand why I shouldn't believe his promises, but because he has continued to promise and because he swore on his family, I truly want to believe him. He left me for someone else, so he could have very well just said those things to get me to leave him alone, or because it's what I wanted to hear, but he could have very well meant all that he promised. It's not knowing when or if I'll ever hear from him or see him again, that's what hurts the most.

[magnoliatree]

But you don't want someone to contact you just because they promised do you? Don't you want them to contact you because they actually WANT to? Doing things out of obligation means nothing and will make you feel worse in the end. You are just trying to hold on, which is understandable, but what good does it do?

[foolish1985]

I have the feeling that you are putting too much emphasis on the word "swear" here. Swears are just words. Words are meaningless. Actions matter the most. And you can see and know his actions. He may just want to leave you hanging. Nothing will give him a greater pleasure than you staying at home, waiting for him to call, while he is out, enjoying his new girlfriend.

 

His behavior sounds childish and not serious at all!

[Mellie]

When someone's breaking up with their SO, their head is all over the place. Sometimes they'll grasp at any straw they can to cushion the blow for the person they're breaking up with. Making promises is all well and good - maybe he even meant it at the time - but it isn't binding on the future. I had an ex who said something along the lines you're talking about "Not right now but hey, maybe one day", to which I was honest - once I move onto the next relationship, the last one is toast - I don't imagine I would ever revisit any of my previous relationships.

 

He probably will contact you in the future but saying maybe you'll be together again one day? Yeah, I don't really have a lot of respect for that. If someone breaks up with you, they're making it pretty clear they want out, if they say "I want out, for now", that's kind of like "I want to go out and see if I can do better. I may come back to you, I may not." It keeps you waiting for them, if you allow it. Nah, I think that's pretty crappy.

[Promises10]

There is no way of knowing if he truly meant all that he promised, is there?

[foolish1985]

You are the one that should know. You were by his side all this time. You should know by his body language, tone, sentence construction, etc. For me, a promise is nothing in the long term. He can easily say "I didn't say that" in the future.

[Eocsor]

Promises made during a breakup are worthless. People say all sorts of crap going out the door that they don't really mean. Or they may mean it at the time but later, after time has passed, they see the folly of it and don't follow through. It's like someone telling you they love you in the heat of passion. Don't put a lot of faith in it.

[Mario043]

Promises can be difficult.. Sometimes people say things just to pacify you or make things easier on themselves.. It's cruel and selfish, yes.. I'm not saying this is true in your case, but the best course of action would be to simply do what you can, with what you have, and let the rest take care of itself. With respect to my situation, I am mentally moving on, because that's the only way to maintain what's left of my sanity.. I believed the "I just need time" line for a month and that nearly killed me.. It was excruciating.

[eternalsunrise]

It is clear by your post that you care quite deeply for your Ex. I am so sorry you are feeling so much pain. I really identify with you; I felt the same way when my Ex years ago broke up with me. From my own experience, the truth is that he knows how sensitive you are and needed to say anything he could in order to get you to fade back out of his picture peacefully. He left you for someone else. It doesn't get more clear than that, when you look at his actions. I am so sorry you've experienced this kind of pain. You've got to start focusing on building your future. For all healthy intents and purposes, he is not in your future.

[ewr]

my ex swore on her grandfathers life that she would come back to our apt the next day ....instead I got a call from her saying we were done for good, forever. When I asked why she would swear on something like that then do this to me, she had no response. her grandfather has cancer and only has a few years left if that ...and she would cry thinking about losing him sometimes, saying he was the most important person in her life .....so I wouldn't give him too much credit for promising you things.

[Promises10]

He left me for someone else, so I know that I shouldn't believe anything he says, and I definitely shouldn't ever want to be with him again. I'm just having a really hard time letting this go. I truly want to believe his promises.

 

He didn't promise that we would be together again, but he did promise that I would hear from him and see him again.

 

If he has no intention of ever contacting me or seeing me again, why would he make those promises? Wouldn't he have just said so? He could have said no, never again, but he didn't.

[Mellie]

Once they've broken up with you, it's kind of the ultimate betrayal. All bets (and obligations) are off after that, from what I've seen.

[Promises10]

As much as I want to hear from him and see him again, as much as I want to believe his promises, as much as this hurts... should I just try my very best to let this go? Go on as if he had never made those promises, and if I do ever hear from him again, then I'll know he meant all that he promised? and if I don't, hopefully by then I'll be healed and won't want to hear from him or see him again?

[magnoliatree]

You have to start letting his words go. They don't mean anything.

[Mellie]

I don't think you should presume, if you do hear from him again, that everything he said will remain as true in the future as they may have been to him when he said them at the time.

 

My ex ex - when we broke up, he went through this whole monologue with himself about how his friends broke up for a long period, reconciled and now they're married. It's like he was trying to convince himself as much as convince me. I don't think I'm a bad judge of people, and he seem genuine to me at the time. But the truth is, no one can read the future, and here's the kicker, if he came back now I wouldn't be interested. The world keeps turning and eventually, we all move on.

[Promises10]

Is there a chance that he meant all that he promised?

 

I apologize for being so repetitive, but this has been so painful... to be left for someone else, to be promised so much, not knowing if or when I'll ever hear from him or see him again, knowing that it could all be a lie, knowing that I need to let go, but knowing that I can't.

[AutumnBorn]

Responses to the following would be appreciated:

 

Chances of ever hearing from or seeing your ex again, and any chances of future reconciliation, you must leave your ex alone and go NC. Is that right?

 

If contact were to ever be made, who would have to initiate it? NC was suggested by my ex (Dumper), but he promised that I would hear from him. I was left for someone else, so any contact would have to come from him. Is that right?

 

Chances of hearing from or seeing him again - I'd think close to 100%. Chances of reconcilliation or that contact being what you hope it will be - close to zero, I think. The Initiator would have to make contact (I refuse to use the words "dump" or "dumper" - my trash goes to the dump, not human beings). The partner (you) could make contact, but that usually appears to be pathetic and, IMO, never ends on a positive note.

 

Don't wait to live your life, whatever you do. Your love, neglected, will one day fade into nothingness and you'll fall in love with someone else, be happier than you thought possible (because love always gets better as we learn from past relationships), and laugh at the idea that you ever cared whether you heard from that guy again or not. I promise.