Moving in together- how much should we each contribute financially?

[Kitten love]

Hello ENA!

 

My partner of 6 months and I have decided to take the plunge and move in together- we both believe it is the next logical step in our relationship and both want to be together for the long haul. We do not believe it is too soon- so no comments on this please.

 

My question is, when partners with different incomes live together, how should the costs be spread? Should the partner earning more pay more? And if so, how much?

 

He works 28hrs/wk in retail, clearing approx 450/wk after tax. He commutes 10mins daily so doesn't spend much extra time on the road. He has about 15G in student loans (no longer going to uni but not finished degree), 1G in CC debt and 13G on a car loan from which I think he pays roughly 50/wk.

 

I work 38hs/wk as a vet, clearing approx 800/wk after tax. My commute is 2hrs daily so this adds 10hrs "dead time" to my working week. I have much higher petrol and car costs too. I owe about 30G in student loans, have 3G in CC debt and no car loan, but drive a bomb so will likely take on a loan for 10-15G in the next year.

 

So.. should I be paying more? Or by my 5 yrs fulltime study and lost commute time do I deserve to have more money in my pocket at the end of the week?

 

Any help would be appreciated!

[d24]

before we got married we both contributed a relative proportion of our wages to the house hold.

Say she earnt 10 and he earnt 20, and the bills were 5 ... he'd pay 20/30*5 (3.3) and she'd pay 10/30*5 (1.6)

That way, proportionally, you're spending the same on the house.

[OptomisticGirl]

Everything would always be half and half with, personally.

[sadchick83]

He should pay for half. Reconsider once you are married.

[d24]

half half is not necessarily fair.

disposable income needs to on par with your incommings/outgoings or he'll get bitter.

 

it's the same with credit card or debt management companies.

Just because you earn 800, doesn't mean that you can afford to repay 800 a month.

 

To be fair, take out from your weekly wages (both of you) all unavoidable outgoings (such as loans, credit cards, etc), then split it proportionately with how much you have left over. it really is more fair that 50-50 imho

[Kitten love]

Thankyou everyone..

 

If we end up calculating disposable income, I don't think i'd include his car loan.. as in the end he is getting a nice car to drive around in and I will have nothing. Surely this would be fair?

[camus154]

I have to second the half and half. Just because you make disparate incomes doesn't mean you aren't both equally going into this together. The only exception to this (in my mind) would be if you'd like to get a nicer place than he could normally afford.

 

In short, how would you handle this with a roommate instead of a lover? Would you factor in some sliding scale for them, or worry about their student loans and other debt? Probably not.

 

Another approach might be going with the lowest common denominator....figure out how much he'd spend on rent alone and match that. You'd both still be getting a nicer place obviously because the total rent would be doubled.

[Batya33]

Thankyou everyone..

 

If we end up calculating disposable income, I don't think i'd include his car loan.. as in the end he is getting a nice car to drive around in and I will have nothing. Surely this would be fair?

 

Are you going to use his car or get driven around in it? Sounds to me that if you are sure you're going to be together for the long haul then that car will be partly yours, no? This is where I find it tricky - I actually agree that his car and car loan are his responsibilities, but if you choose to live together before marriage and have the intention of marrying but not the commitment/vows to back that up you're taking a far bigger gamble if you invest financially in your life as a couple than if you were married. I would pay half if you move into a place you can afford on your income and if he wants to live in a nicer place then he should contribute more because he's making more. You might also want to consider having a contract if it's not going to be split or if you're going to have a joint account.

 

I don't think the time you spend commuting is relevant and of course jobs can change in a heartbeat. If he wants to live somewhere that lengthens your commute considerably then perhaps reopen the discussion on how much you pay for gas - but just like he gets to have a new car, you get to build your career which belongs to you -the success, the potential in increased business, etc.

 

I just realized that you make more than he does so take my comments in that light. Sorry.

[Huntress0527]

When my husband and I moved in together prior to marriage we pretty much put our money together and paid the bills despite who was making more. If your intentions are to marry then this may be the way to go. Getting into the business of what is 'fair' when it comes to your SO as far as money goes can be difficult because then you can start to nickle and dime to what each of you think is fair. Reminds me of the movie (I can't remember the title I think Joy Luck Club) when the husband said he wasn't paying for the ice cream because he wasn't the one that eats it when they were going over the grocery bill.

 

I would sit down and discuss how you'd want to divide everything.

[Batya33]

When my husband and I moved in together prior to marriage we pretty much put our money together and paid the bills despite who was making more. If your intentions are to marry then this may be the way to go. Getting into the business of what is 'fair' when it comes to your SO as far as money goes can be difficult because then you can start to nickle and dime to what each of you think is fair. Reminds me of the movie (I can't remember the title I think Joy Luck Club) when the husband said he wasn't paying for the ice cream because he wasn't the one that eats it when they were going over the grocery bill.

 

I would sit down and discuss how you'd want to divide everything.

 

Yes I remember that scene and the husband actually did eat the ice cream as it turned out. My concern with the OP is that despite the intention to marry the mindset is far more focused on what is financially fair if they were to end things (i.e. the car loan) than if they were a married couple. If they moved in together while engaged with an imminent wedding date I bet her mindset would be different. So, what she writes about the level of their emotional commitment isn't actually consistent with the financial arrangement unless she wants a marriage where everything is kept separate and apportioned according to their incomes.

[Huntress0527]

Yes I remember that scene and the husband actually did eat the ice cream as it turned out. My concern with the OP is that despite the intention to marry the mindset is far more focused on what is financially fair if they were to end things (i.e. the car loan) than if they were a married couple. If they moved in together while engaged with an imminent wedding date I bet her mindset would be different. So, what she writes about the level of their emotional commitment isn't actually consistent with the financial arrangement unless she wants a marriage where everything is kept separate and apportioned according to their incomes.

 

I can agree with your statement. Perhaps because they've only been together for 6 months and is unsure of how it's really going to turn out in the end is the motive to want to protect herself which is understandable but then poses the question are they really ready to move in together? But that is not for us to decide.

[Kitten love]

Lol i'm old enough and experienced enough to know that relationships can and do fail. Case in point, my last serious relationship. Together for 3 years, bought a house together, split a year later. This situation is different though as we are renting and this time I am the partner who earns more.

 

With all due respect, regarding the last few comments, I fail to see how not being prepared to completely surrender control of my finances equates to not being ready to live with a partner. The way I see it, living together is a TEST for long term compatability. That has not yet been established, as much as I would like to believe it will work, I need to be realistic and yes, protect myself, whilst at the same time being fair to him.

[Huntress0527]

What would be your ideal plan if he was the one bringing in more money? Would you split everything down the middle or would you want it to scale to match your individual income?

 

I believe once you answer that you'll have the answer you're seeking.

[XxJustMexX]

I've never technically "split" anything with any boyfriends (or ex-husband). Whatever we make is our money together. It's just weird for me to split things with my partners. I've always made more than my boyfriends/ex-husband and money is never an issue for me and to be honest I don't really care to put that much thought into it. My last boyfriend (6 years), he'd just deposit his check into our joint account and we both had a card to it. My current boyfriend and I pretty much do the same thing except without the joint bank account. I'm just not really into the whole splitting, who's paying what type of deals in relationships. I guess that's not that common for most people but it just feels odd to me to so impersonal with my guy. I just see splitting bills and things are for roommates and friends... just feels awkward doing that with a boyfriend.

 

So ya, we do it pretty simple... It's pretty much like a money pool... Whoever can pay whatever pays...

[OptomisticGirl]

I think if you go into any kind of relationship with the mindset of nickling and diming every little bill and every little piece of grocery, your already on the path to fail. There is a huge difference in protecting yourself and both of you contributing equally. I don't care if my partner earned 3x what I do - I'm living with him, sleeping with him, cooking for him, cleaning our house, giving him emotoinal support - there are somethins you can't nickle and dime and put a value on. Not protecting yourself would be giving him full access to your money before marriage - I don't quite see how paying half of everything is going to 'not' protect you.

 

If you guys were to break up and it was nasty, do you REALLY think even then he would be willing to pay for his % of the bills vs. half? How exactly are you going to do bills? Are they only going in one name or both?

[RubyWoo]

Half and half. I made more money than my ex so I always offered to put in more money. Now that's he left me and is already screwing someone else, I wish I hadn't been so stupid.

[Kitten love]

I think if you go into any kind of relationship with the mindset of nickling and diming every little bill and every little piece of grocery, your already on the path to fail. ... I don't quite see how paying half of everything is going to 'not' protect you.

 

I haven't nickle and dimed at all in the relationship thus far.. not at all.. I am proud of myself of at least thinking about and addressing the money issue before living together, as, sadly, it is one of the major reasons for relationship breakdowns- you're very fortunate not to have been a casualty of this so far.

 

I am a very generous person and often get burnt financially in relationships- often ending up with nothing to show at the end of the day. At 28 i'm realising my own financial security is something I should be thinking about and placing importance on.

 

And yes.. paying half would certainly protect myself.. the point of this post is that I am actually considering contributing MORE.. are you suggesting that 50/50 is the way to go? Not down to the last "nickle and time" or "dollar and cent" as the case may be, but a rough guide at least?

[Kitten love]

Half and half. I made more money than my ex so I always offered to put in more money. Now that's he left me and is already screwing someone else, I wish I hadn't been so stupid.

 

So sorry to hear this Ruby

[Kitten love]

What would be your ideal plan if he was the one bringing in more money? Would you split everything down the middle or would you want it to scale to match your individual income?

 

I believe once you answer that you'll have the answer you're seeking.

 

To be honest, if we were working the same hours and he was bringing in more money, I would like him to pay more. If he was working MORE hours, I wouldn't expect him to put in much extra as the workloads would would mean I would feel he is entitled to a higher income.

[Batya33]

Lol i'm old enough and experienced enough to know that relationships can and do fail. Case in point, my last serious relationship. Together for 3 years, bought a house together, split a year later. This situation is different though as we are renting and this time I am the partner who earns more.

 

With all due respect, regarding the last few comments, I fail to see how not being prepared to completely surrender control of my finances equates to not being ready to live with a partner. The way I see it, living together is a TEST for long term compatability. That has not yet been established, as much as I would like to believe it will work, I need to be realistic and yes, protect myself, whilst at the same time being fair to him.

 

Oh ok that's different from what you wrote above- I didn't think you viewed sharing physical living space as a test of compatibility -I thought you had already decided you were in this long term but for whatever reason you weren't going to get engaged/married before moving in together. I never said you should surrender control of your finances but your level of control seems a little inconsistent with being in a long term committed relationship - going so far as to factor in commuting time as a basis for evaluating how much each person should contribute. I agree that if you see living together as a test of compatibility (not saying how I view it just to be clear, just you) then at your level of commitment you should figure out how to split things fairly. I would portion it according to income without factoring in school loans, car loans or commuting time. I also would jointly sign any lease and have a separate written agreement as to how you're going to contribute financially.

[Fudgie]

I'd personally go about half and half. Use your remaining "extra" money to help pay off your OWN debts and your car. He should deal with his own.

 

You each should contribute equally (roughly) to groceries, dates, mutual costs/expenses, and utilities. "Shared" expenses may be pets/pet supplies, a new TV, decorating. The leftover money is just for you. You're going to want to buy things for yourself and he's going to want to buy things for himself.

 

So yeah, do that for now. When you get married, sign a prenup that makes it so if you break up, you'll walk away with your money and won't lose money by giving him half. Screw that. You need a prenup to define shared and "individual" properties in the event you break up. Please consider this if you're going to be making more. It may benefit you in the long run. I personally won't get married without a prenup and I know my boyfriend feels the same. Unless of course, if you're cool with the risk of you having to give up half of everything you make/own, then don't sign a prenup, but be okay with that risk.

 

But anyway, for now, make it about half/half. You have more debt than he does and car expenses. A good chunk of your extra money will be going toward that. He can contribute on his own toward rent and groceries just fine.

[camus154]

Why would you expect more money? To me that's an unrealistic sense of entitlement. It doesn't really matter who makes what or how long either works to get it. That's not really your concern fiscally. The point is, you're sharing rent and living expenses, so THAT'S what's relevant. And if you're both using those things, then 50/50 is really the only way to go.

 

I lived with an ex a long time ago and made a good deal more than her. We got into several arguments about this very mentality. In my mind, I shouldn't be paying more for the same living space just by virtue of the fact that I could afford more. This to me is like expecting a wealthy friend to cover nights out more often than others just because he could.

[Batya33]

Why would you expect more money? To me that's an unrealistic sense of entitlement. It doesn't really matter who makes what or how long either works to get it. That's not really your concern fiscally. The point is, you're sharing rent and living expenses, so THAT'S what's relevant. And if you're both using those things, then 50/50 is really the only way to go.

 

I lived with an ex a long time ago and made a good deal more than her. We got into several arguments about this very mentality. In my mind, I shouldn't be paying more for the same living space just by virtue of the fact that I could afford more. This to me is like expecting a wealthy friend to cover nights out more often than others just because he could.

 

I always felt that if I went out with friends and made more $ and wanted to go to a more expensive place than they could afford that I should offer to treat or pay more (and I did - this happened mostly with vacations/travel - why forego going somewhere with a friend just because it's not in her budget?).

I think that the OP and her SO should choose a place he can afford so that they can split 50/50 -I didn't feel so strongly about that until I read the posts here but now I see the benefit of that. It's fair, it's easier to "administer" --although it won't be relevant to her view of this as a test of compatibility because it won't test their ability to deal with disparate incomes once they're married (unless they do a prenup or continue with the splitting thing).

[OptomisticGirl]

I actually have. My ex and I lived together and pooled our money together, everything half and half. I'm not a young money I'd your money, my money I'd mine kind of girl. When we broke up guess who got left with all the bills? Me.

 

I think when it comes to bills and rent, all that should be 50/50. No 'you used more power than me' of 'I didn't eat as much of the groceries as you'. Everything down the middle. When it comes to personal stuff your own money.My husband and I pool both our incomes together - and he makes FAR more than me - we pay bills and then what's left we split for our own personal hobbies.

[Mercurial Girl]

I earn less and work fewer hours than my live-in partner. Because I have less disposable income but more free time, I do the majority of taking care of the household as well as cooking dinner and he pays for the majority of the groceries and eating out/entertainment for the two of us. The rest is pretty well 50/50. Perhaps something like that might work for you?