In love with same-sex friend but not gay... and don't know what to do

[lskyus]

Im having the same issue...

 

In brief:

 

I walked away from a very long friendship that causing me nothing but trouble, I am BI, and my friend is Straight. When I met him, I immediately knew we were going to be friends, however about 3 years into the friendship things started to feel a bit weird, He was calling me all the time, wanting to spend time with me, texting me constantly. Now I was happy with this immensely as I realised we had a very unique connection. He openy admits that he loves me like no one else he has ever met, but obvously we can never do anything ever...

 

Because he was so intense and full on, I walked away as I was so unhappy. We slept together, went out together, ate, wrestled, watched dvds in each others arms...but he would never do anything further. I wanted more and I couldnt have it, so I walked away...

 

queue 6 years later, he turns up one day, with a fiance and 2 kids, says he wants to rekindle our friendship, he missed me. I thought because he had kids and an intended wife (fiance), that it would be okay to proceed. But things quickly changed drastically...I realised that I still wasnt over him and we talked about it, and for a while I was able to cope. However last week his fiance kicked him out for cheating on her with another woman. Ontop of that he was seeing another woman and had another woman on the horizon just in case that went wrong.

 

Now he turned up on my doorstep last thursday and asked if he could stay for the weekend, he had no where to go. I said okay of course, but very quickly he became overly friendly huggy, attention seeking, he asked me to do his back for him, then he wanted to massage his entire body, at that point we slept together (but nothing intimate just sleep in each others arms.)

 

Hes now dating another woman, but this morning he came home and wrapped himself round me and went to sleep. It was the most amazing feeling in the world, but I know hes using me, but I do not know what to do about it...I really do love him, he openly said last night to me on his way out of the house, that he absolutely loves me completely.

 

he wants to stay permanently, but its breaking my heart as I feel I should refuse him and let him go.

 

I do love him completely and hes such an amazing guy, but theres nothing further, (we hug, cuddle, massage, tease etc, but he says hes not interested in anything else).

 

Someone earlier in the post said soul mates etc, and he actually said that to me the other night when we went for a walk.

 

Problem is, I know deep in my heart he does love me, but hes playing with my emotions and using that to get what he wants...

[happyheart123]

I'm living this same thing with my best friend. We are both 26, and we have this kind of relationship that I honestly am unsure I will ever be able to live again with someone else in my life, seeing also how I am and that I find it reasonably hard to open up completely with someone like I did with her. I have many wonderful friends that I love dearly, but with her I feel this kind of deeper connection on a level that I cannot even entirely explain... Can't quite understand if I'm in love with her - never really been in love yet, unfortunately - or just deeply involved on a human level. We are that thing you'd call "soulmates", we both agreed on that. We often hug, hold hands, kiss on cheeks. I can somewhat feel this "tension" between us because we both don't quite realise what this is, at times. She's said many times that, should she break up with her current boyfriend - whom she's having quite a few problems with lately - she'd want to be with me. Of course she says this jokingly, but it adds to the tension... Nothing sexual though, just great affection, love and trust. It's a beautiful feeling and I'm sure it's not for everybody, as well, just, it hurts a bit sometimes... I'm sure we'd be together in another world, in another dimension, if anything like that exists, but not in this one.

 

Great thread though, was lovely to read.

[marykoleman]

Im sorry, i dont know how old this is. But i have to post. I am going through the exact same thing only im a girl and shes a girl. Its basically everything you said. I dont hang out with her often as she has other friends. But when we do its undescribable. I didnt know this kind of love exsisted. And i dont know if she feels the same, just lord prey she does

[lukeb]

Im sorry, i dont know how old this is.

 

It is a really really really really really old thread...

[flowerwell]

I have had similar feelings towards one of my male friends (btw, I am bi/ lesbian)

We have similar family problems, so I feel quite connected. And I miss him quite a lot.

That feelings are quite special, but there is nothing sexual.

I was quite confused but now I understand.

 

I also think people always relate love to sex, partly due to the Triangular theory of love.

Well, there is nothing wrong to have a soul mate, especially when both of you feel the same.

Indeed, it is very lucky to have one.

 

 

 

I know this is an very old post, but a great one in fact.

And I would say that it will be better to confess to him.

Then you will know how he feels.

I don't think it will do any harm to the relationship, especially when there is nothing gay.

Hope that your plan went well.

[StraitTimes]

I think this is a great thread - brings up so many questions. I think being gay is not just about your sexual feelings. Having romantic feelings / an exclusive emotional attachment to a member of the same sex puts you in bisexual territory. I don't think the OP's situation is platonic love - he would be jealous of the other guy's girlfriends and wants an exclusive relationship. I think of that as romance. So it's a non-sexual romance.

 

I'm in the opposite situation. I'm developing feelings for a guy I see every day and I know he has feelings for me. It's just, whereas my feelings include physical attraction, I get the feeling he loves me in the way the OP feels about his guy. Which means we have some romantic feelings but the sexual attraction seems to be one sided and coming from me. And that's tough. I don't know what to do. He has a fiancee! I'm not jealous of her because he spends all his time with me. But it's confusing, and it's stopping me from being able to date other people. I don't think I will meet anyone with the same bond as I have with this guy. But I think I have to try otherwise I'll never be happy.

 

So my plan is to tell him soon, ask him how he feels. If he doesn't feel the same way, I'll have to tell him that we can be friends but we need to make it less romantic. I want the relationship to carry on but I need to find my own room to breathe.

 

And on his side, if he can have these feelings for me, even non-sexual ones, what is he supposed to feel for his fiancee?

 

Rant over. I want to know what the OP has done...

[lukeb]

I can't help but be very critical of these types of relationships especially if the straight guy wants to "entertain" these feelings. It is really a way for the straight guy to exploit and take advantage of the romantic feelings you may have as a gay guy. These types of relationships can even happen between two gay guys where only one guy is attracted to the other and is basically the same scenario. How wonderful to have your personal slave who is willing to do anything for you, adore you, etc. It is really up to the guy without the feelings to see the relationship for what it is. If you are gay and find yourself continually falling for straight guys it time to really examine why that is. Often there is a bit of internalized homophobia at play here.

[StraitTimes]

I agree with you Lukeb. I am quite critical of the straight guy - even though I love him. I can be objective enough to stay very clear of him if he doesn't reciprocate once we get to the bottom of this. I think this connection took us both by surprise. I think we are both the first men the other person has had these feelings for. Either I have accepted these feelings more wholly and faster than him, or he only loves me romantically. Either way, I lose - I only win if he comes on board. That sounds harsh, and it kills me, but I've been in limbo (i.e. totally in love) for 7 months and in semi-limbo (i.e. trying hard not to fall in love) for 12 months before that.

[frankie]

I read the first post and its something i can totally relate to. I would like an update on that situation though.

 

My situation is something like this. I'm 25 and I exclusively dated and had sex with women. I do find some men attractive and thats not an issue for me, therefore I do somewhat consider myself bi. Two years ago I met this guy who was a friend of a friend. We got drunk one night and we got on pretty well. I ended up sleeping at his place and had one of those drunk talks until the morning so we connected pretty well i guess.

After that we became quite close, and we loved to spend time together. We drank, we did drugs, traveled etc. This went on for about six months, so I developed some feelings for him. It was really confusing for me because its ''gay'' so i kinda refused to acknowledge that. At one point i decided to admit to myself that i'm in love and that kinda relieved me but not for long. I did kinda sorted things out in my head but i was far from opening myself to him. Later he got a girlfriend with whom he was really in love with. Also I got a girlfriend, but i was far from getting over him. We hardly ever saw each other and it was really painful time for me. Eventually i broke up, later so did he. Some things happened, and we started seeing eachother again and everything went back the way it was.

Little about him. Well, he is too emotional and a bit of a woos if you ask me. He was apparently in love several times and he doest hesitate to share that... with anyone. Hes also really smart charming and good looking. On the other hand i'm really an introvert. I was in love only once before with a girl, and the feelings werent reciprocated. The reason i still harbor feelings towards him is the feedback i get from him. He always makes some kind of physical contacts with me which are kinda intimate, and also when i started doing that to him he didnt pull back (dont get me wrong, by contact i mean hugging, snuggling and stuff like that, but stuff i would never do with my other male friends, nor would he). And thats kinda the situation we are still in today.

 

The bottom line is, I really cant stop thinking about him, and i get really depressed and paranoid when i do not hear from him. We do text and see eachother daily, and it is kinda stopping me from dating other people. Actually i did refuse some girls over the time thinking it might interfere my time i might spend with him.

When i sum up my emotions, i do hope for something sexual to happen, even a kiss i dont know. Its kinda strange, but its not for a sake of an intercourse per se, but more as a confirmation of his feeling towards me. I do want to be open and not to bottle up anything inside me so i do think i will come out to him. It will happen later in life for sure, because our friendship is really strong right now and i could not bare losing him.

 

well, it did feel good to type this, also few glasses of vine did help

[Merthur]

I can't believe no one's mentioned this yet, but I STRONGLY think what you may be experiencing is a "squish" or a need to be in a queerplatonic relationship.

 

A squish is "the equivalent of a "crush", but explicitly lacking an interest in forming a romantic couple or having a sexual relationship with the person in question. It does not matter if they are "in a relationship", as long as you two can have a deep connection. A squish is an intense feeling of attraction, liking, appreciation, admiration for a person you urgently want to get to know better and become close with. It is different from "just wanting to be friends" in that there is an intensity about it and a disproportionate sense of elation when they like and appreciate you back."

 

A queerplatonic relationship "Adjective describing a relationship which is more intense and intimate than is considered common or normal for a "friendship", but doesn't fit the traditional sexual-romantic couple model. It is characterized by a strong bond, love, and emotional commitment, yet is not perceived by those involved as "romantic". The relationship may or may not have some elements or degree of sexuality/eroticism at various times, or none - it doesn't matter, because sexuality/sexual exclusivity is not what the relationship is organized around. It's defined by the intensity and significance of the emotional connection.

 

The people involved do not have to identify as "", it's a type of relationship experienced by and available to anybody regardless of their sexual orientation, romantic orientation, or (non-)monogamy. The people involved in a queerplatonic relationship may consider themselves partners, life-partners, a couple, a triad, or any other term that implies the relationship is meaningful, committed and intimate.

 

Quuerplatonic parters or QPs are sometimes referred to as "zucchini". As in, "he's my zucchini". This was originally a joke within the asexual/aromantic community, underscoring the lack of words in mainstream relationship discourse to signify meaningful relationships that do not follow the standard and expected sexual/romantic norms, and frustration with the erasure of other kinds of intimacy, which were perceived as equally valuable to the sexual/romantic model."

[Zynekten]

a form of intense love that blurs the line between the platonic and

the romantic.

The first time I met Rich was at the swimming pool of our condominium

complex. We were both wearing Speedos and a towel around our necks.

Till this day, it is an enigma to me as to why we simultaneously broke

into a huge heart-stopping smile towards one another during the initial seconds our eyes met. As if automatically, we shook hands and introduced ourselves. To both our surprise, we shared the same surname.

Rich was very good looking, not the Tom Cruise racy handsome, nor the

Brad Pitt congruent good looks, but more of a very handsome actor

that would have the looks to be cast as the good guy in a film.

And yes, I noticed that immediately, not a, "oh I want him" feeling, but

like seeing a beautiful sculpture or painting.

He was lean, very defined, pronounced six pack abdominals, and

to my surprise, practically hairless, even on his legs. In short,

we could have passed for twins from the neck down. I sensed with

certainty that we were both very aware of our similarities. Later,

we discovered that our birthdays were 3 days apart, we both

just turned 18 and just finished high school. So, same age, height,

weight, even shoe size.

After some small talk, Rich remarked as to how similar our builds

are and that it would be interesting to wrestle someone, ..."just

like himself." We walked to a secluded grassy area behind the pool

and without any ceremony, our bodies locked up in a bear hug. We pushed

each other around and though we fell to the ground, we never broke that

bear hug, instead, our legs wrapped together into a grapevine and

we rolled around, wrestling to dominate, not really for victory.

It was an unspoken desire that we both wanted to continue the struggle

until neither could or would continue. After a long while, we were both

coated in grass and mud and decided to rinse off in the outdoor shower.

We wrestled each other into the swimming pool and wrestled above

and below the water line, chest to chest, legs intertwined.

I am not sure how long we went at it, but by the time our energies

were spent, the sun had left the sky. We both remarked how equal we were

and how happy that made us. We exchanged phone numbers with the promise to meet after dinner. That evening, we walked for miles...talking, bumping into one another, teasing each other, hug-wrestling as we strolled, grabbing each other arm in arm, our rib cages grinding as we walked.

From that moment on, we met daily. It was uncanny that I had asked my

parents for a year off to do some traveling before college, and so had he.

We agreed to plan our excursions together.

Our daily wrestling sessions resulted in rather sore muscles and so

we gave each other massages, which, contrasted to the grappling, was

very affectionate. Sometimes we would just embrace and massage each

other's backs at the same time, never avoiding touching in areas

that might seem taboo. We both loved to knead one another's behinds

simultaneously. If you have never experienced that, let me just say

that it feels so good especially if you have been sitting all day.

We would meet for breakfast and spend every minute together until

nightfall. Soon, we were spending the night at each other's

homes even though we only lived 2-3 walking minutes apart.

Since we got so used to embracing from wrestling, we would sleep in an

hug. Till this day, I am amazed that we often would hug all night long and

awaken in the embrace, yet feeling refreshed.

We vowed to be brothers forever, to die for each other. We ed our

fingers with a needle and mingled our blood, then cleaned our wounds

with our mouths, sucking the blood dry. We wrote a vow of brotherhood,

memorized it, and holding each other's testicles, we "testified" to

our undying devotion to each other. That night, we drove to a

hilltop that overlooked the city, and Rich asked me, "Do you think

that there are any other two people in the world like us?" I shook

my head because I truly believed at that time that we were unique.

One day, after a particularly sweaty wrestling session, he came over to

my place and I offered for him to shower first. He wondered why we couldn't

share a shower, and so we did. It was very comfortable, two best friends

washing each other. Without even thinking, I found myself washing

his privates and before I had a chance to worry about it, he reciprocated.

After we dried off, I flicked my towel on him and he attacked me into

a bear hug. It was our first time wrestling naked. From then on,

it just seemed silly and pretentious to wrestle or cuddle or sleep in any clothing so we were pretty much naked with each other most of the time.

It was all very natural.

We both enjoyed snuggling our faces together, we called it, "breathing

each other's life" by sharing our air, inhaling, exhaling the warmth

of one another. During these episodes, we sometimes teased each other

by licking one another's noses and pretending to hate it. Once, our tongues

accidentally touched, and we both remarked, "hey, that was really nice"

and from then on we started to kiss. It wasn't passionate kissing like

a movie kiss, just very affectionate, more like exchanging saliva

like we did with our blood. There was always a lot of "I love you's"

verbalized while we kissed. I don't know why, but we never wondered

if we were gay and even though our groins were scrunched together,

most of the time, we were flaccid. There was no pre-*********, no

intentional frottage, it was just two guys very much in love and

not afraid of intimacy. The only real times we were erect was

when we woke up in the mornings. We liked sleeping in a tight

embrace so every morning was like a sword fight. It was not frottage,

but we would jokingly stab each other groin to groin, and after

a visit to the toilet, everything would be back the way it was.

For men who are comfortable with their sexuality and are not out

to prove something or bigots, possible homosexuality represents

a normal threat to their existence as a man and within a man to man friendship. It's like investing in stocks, there are no guarantees.

Love like this tend to become unstable as it approaches and/or skims homosexual undertones, but I think that happens if one or both men

have an underlying physical agenda. They just aren't enjoying

the intensity of one another, they want more. We were and are

satisfied with what we have.

I have spoken with a lot of other men in close friendships and

most agree that the phenomena occurs suddenly and is often

characterized by the thought, "man, I really like this guy and I'd

like to hang out with him, offer him my gifts, talents, masculinity,

and have him offer me his." If both men have this epiphany at the

same time, then it is the beginning of a true romance which can very

quickly lead to deep committed love.

The only way this can develop is when the newfound friendship

becomes each man's focal point of their lives for some period of time.

When the foundation is built, it is smooth sailing, very comfortable,

and you both become extensions of one another.

We traveled together, ate together, worked out and wrestled, doted on each other. We treated each other with great kindness and compassion. Other

than playful arguments, we never had a fight, no drama, no holding

back feelings. We both emphasized that we didn't want to live without

each other without fear that one might use it to control another. I think

that is a very important aspect two men being in love. And yes, I say

"being in love" because it is much more than the love two best friends

have for one another, it is a deep and profound love that I know I will

never have with any other guy.

Everything was shared; shirts, pants, socks, shoes, money, bank accounts. Till this day, I am amazed that our parents didn't become alarmed. Everything I had of value, I gave to him, and he reciprocated. If we were at a public place

and I had to use the men's room, he came with me, for as he said, "Even a few minutes without you makes me lonely.

On more than one episode, we thought that we were having a heart attack, and we later realized that it was just the intensity of our feelings for each other. Once, I really thought that I might die, but my heart settled down.

We spent six years as roomies in college. It was easy to pass for brothers. We had the same last names, same hair color, eye color, and although we couldn't pass for twins, we looked more like brothers than some genuine siblings. Consequently, there was no scandal regarding our intimacy. When confusions arose about our ages being the same, people just assumed that we were fraternal twins. We never denied it. Soon, we became known as, "the twins."

He has never been with another man either than myself. I also have no inclinations towards other men, nor do I find the desire to be intimate with them. And so, here is the epiphany of it all. One can fall deeply in love

because love is not just gender based, but also person based.

without it being a sexual identity issue? We love people in different

ways, but it is a different kind of love, such a parents, siblings,

spouse, friends. As a man, the magic of being loved by another man

is that it is a practice of pure choice. A parent naturally loves

their child. Siblings develop love by growing up together. Spouses

love through attraction. But two men loving each other and making

a lifetime commitment to share everything they are and have, that is

just pure choice.

Rich and I are now in our 40's. We are both happily married with children.

Our closeness has not abated. Our wives are very supportive of our love

and we never hide our physical intimacy or kisses from them. Some nights

we sleep with our wives, some nights with each other.

And I do want to make something clear, Rich and I have never had sex.

We have loved each other without fear of labels. We have never joked

about having sex with each other or used locker room taunts. Our

intimacy is sacred, almost on a religious level. We thank each other,

almost on a daily basis, for one another's love. And it isn't casual,

but always performed deliberately and slowly, like an solemn ritual.

Even now, we sometimes break down weeping, holding each other,

thanking one another for our love. It's funny, when that happens,

it last for a good hour, difficult to stop.

And though we own a business together and spend all day together,

we still miss each other. That part, I cannot understand, and I

don't have to, because he is always beside me.

Rich is as much a father to my kids as I am to his. He is not "daddy #2" to my kids, nor am I. His children address me as "Daddy" and mine addresses him similarly. They realize that in Rich and me, they are lucky enough to have two fathers.

Our sons are best friends, and they too are inseparable. They share a room(s),

half their stuff is in each other's rooms, and they sleep together just about

every night. We try to ensure that they feel a complete comfort level to love one another. As a matter of fact, when either breaks a rule, their punishment

is a night apart. This has resulted in two very well behaved teens. Rich and

I are profoundly touched that our love will live on to another generation.

As Rich once asked, "Do you think that there are any other two people in the world like us?" Yes, there are. Thanks for listening and allowing us to share. I hope that this helps someone out there.( this is not my personal story this is from wrestlers in experience project website)

[GooseWow]

I (I am a guy) have the fun of being in love with a close friend (and sexually attracted to him) only I accidentally just set him up with my sister and he's not seeing her.

 

Absolutely freaking out and heart-broken at the same time.

[scavenger55]

I know exactly how you feel ibijc2010. I just don't even know what to do either. It's unexplainable feelings that just doesn't go away and missing his company when he leaves. I do get jealous too. I feel like he misses me too when I am gone. I slept over his house, we were drunk also and woke up with his head on my chest and leg around mine, I felt comfortable and at ease. I love women and also had sex with women too but this I cannot explain. Maybe I am bisexual? Idk...

[scavenger55]

This is like the best story I have ever read. I wish I had the same thing. I am afraid of how people will see me and I have had experiences when I was 9. I think I just miss that the most. I am 22 years old, maybe I miss that connection the most. I guess I can admit that I am attracted to both men and women but I don't think I will ever be that lucky. I try to change how I feel and look at women but it's soo hard to do. Idk why, I just been emotionally and sexually attracted to guys since I was younger. I don't want to be but I cannot change if my life relied on it. After reading this post, I believe I answered my own question I asked on here.

[jre89]

I know this thread is a few years old, but what the OP has described here is something that I've felt as well. Though many won't understand it, this type of non-sexual, intimate love is real, beautiful and inexplicable. I, too, have had people try to convince me that it's gay or that I'm in denial, and I've had to tell them that it's something uniquely and distinctly different from that, and that they simply don't understand it.

 

As a background--I'm a straight guy and I have this same level of intense, unconditional love for another guy that I simply can't explain. In no way do I want to have sex with him, but we are affectionate with one another and seem to share a bond that transcends a typical friendship. I think about him more than anyone else, and I don't think I've ever loved anyone else as much as I love him. But again, it's not sexual and I wouldn't want it to be sexual. This unique type of love exists in a completely different realm that, as I've come to realize over the years, only very few people seem to understand.

 

And if the OP is still around to read this--don't let these militant posters bully you by saying you're in denial or other such nonsense. I completely understand you, and I hope you know that you're not alone. I can only describe it as an intense soul connection--like one of the other posters mentioned, comparable to Jesus and John's relationship, or David and Jonathan's. It is extremely rare these days as most people operate in one dimension, assuming that love can only be sexual. In a way, I feel sorry for folks who don't or can't understand it because, as demonstrated throughout this thread, this lack of understanding seems to foster judgment and anger.

 

But I just want to affirm you, brother, as what you're experiencing is a gift from God. I'm thankful to be able to experience it myself, though it is often difficult to maintain by the rest of the world's standards. Everyone wants to try to put it into a box, but they simply don't understand it. Cherish what you have, and don't let people without understanding pollute or destroy it. Enjoy the gift you've been given and cultivate it.

[crazenitely]

Thank you to everyone who shared their experiences. And to the OP, BIG THANK YOU for starting it. I have been searching for something like this to help me understand my nonsexual, deep connection with my friend and this thread has helped me tremendously!

 

Here’s my experience:

 

About a year ago I moved into a new condo and met a guy who I instantly knew was just like me. We are both married with kids. We are loud and funny, enjoy the same type of inappropriate humor, and we think the same type of way. When I first met him, we didn’t connect, but I knew we would. After a few months of the casual “hello”, we met up for lunch, but I had no idea that my life was about to change.

 

Eventually we found ourselves hanging out all of the time, texting each other all day, meeting up several nights out of the week to drink and smoke, and workout. We went to basketball games, concerts, and bars together, and occasionally met up for lunch. I met his close friends and he’s met mines. When we see each other, we would get so excited and hug each other. We have sooo many similarities, it’s crazy. Sometimes it feels like he’s much more than just a friend. It’s like he’s my other half. People might think we have a homosexual relationship, I know his wife did at one point, but it was nothing like that at all. I never had a sexual thought about him. It was just a pure, instant bizarre connection that developed. To say the least, I’m in love with that guy. It’s weird, confusing and driving me crazy. The feelings I have for him are strange, and I’m trying to process it but I just don’t know how. We were becoming inseparable. He told me before that if I moved he would cry. And he told me several times that he loved me. When we were hanging out with other people, he even told them that he loved me.

 

There are so many special moments that made me crazy for him, like the ways he shows me he loves me. One time when we haven’t talked in days, he drove up and said, “don’t worry, I haven’t forgot about you”. My heart melted. One time when we hugged, he slid his hand down my back and it was so special and comforting. I know all this sounds gay, like the OP, but like him, I know it’s not sexual. And I know that so many people won’t understand this because they haven’t experienced anything like it. I never thought I could lay next to a man and feel like that is exactly where I’m suppose to be. Just laughing, talking, relaxing. It just feels so right and comfortable, like time stops for us to spend together. The only other time I feel that way is when I’m with my kids - who I love more than anything.

 

I can tell that his wife doesn’t approve of how close we are. One time, in a moment of comfort, he told his young daughter to start calling me Uncle. I mentioned it in front of his wife. She had the biggest look of disgust and I could tell she did not approve of it. She doesn’t get or like the closeness we have. She even said that the way he talks to me is strange, apparently he doesn’t talk to his other friends in the same manner. However, it doesn’t bother my wife at all. She knows him and I are close, but she is more secure than his wife. But she tells me all the time that when she’s outside, she sees him looking down at our house looking for me. I know he does that because I do the same exact thing. He’s even tried to get our wives to hang out more. I assume so him and I could hang out more with his wife’s approval, but our wives don’t connect the way we do.

 

My life changed when I fell in love with him and I’m scared and confused. Having this close relationship with him is a blessing and a curse. A blessing to have experienced another form of love that is so rare and intense, yet a curse because it makes me vulnerable and confused. So here’s the major twist, I want to STOP these feelings I have for him. I search online how to fall out of love with someone. lol. I want to just be his friend and not have this bizarre connection. Let me explain further:

 

I find myself missing him when he’s not around, thinking about him ALL of the time, getting jealous when he’s hanging with other friends. This is not normal behavior. I am trying to control the feelings I have for him, because what good can come of it. I just want to be his friend, but it feels like he’s something more that I can’t explain. I want to be okay when he hangs with other people. He tells me that he doesn’t want to go hang out with his other friends if I don’t go. And he’s known his other friends a couple years before he met me. I want us to be okay with being separated for a long period of time. When I’m away on business trips or family vacations, he text me telling me how much he misses me. I want to text him telling him I miss him when he’s away, but I always decide not to, I don’t want our connection to intensify so I keep it to myself. So, I do my best to stay away, but he keeps coming around me, and I to him because we are just drawn to each other. It feels comforting being around him and it’s really hard for me to fight it. I don’t understand why my bond with him so intense and deep, much more deep than with my siblings. I don’t want it to be that way. In moments of comfort, I tell him I love him. I really do, I just don’t want to.

 

One of the ways I am trying to stop our close connection is by being around my other friends more. So in a way, he helped me reconnect with old friends and make new ones. I hang out more with other friends to get him off my mind, to remind myself of what it’s like to have a normal friendship. It’s helping me but as soon as I hang with him my feelings come rushing back. I’m also mean to him. I make him jealous by telling him I’m meeting up with other people, without him. I tell him I don’t want to hang with him when he asks to come over. Trust me, he gets over it because he always come back. My wife tells me I’m mean to him, but he can be really mean to me at times as well, so it's not one sided at all. I can tell he tries to make me jealous as well. One of the many ways we are just alike. I guess we kind of have a bad relationship at times. He told me once that he wished he never met me and fell in love. I feel the same exact way. I wish I NEVER met him and fell in love because I’m tired of looking out my window wondering when he’s coming home, or thinking about him all day, or getting excited when he text me. I live so close to him, why do we even text when we are at work? Why do I want to talk to him or hear from EVERY day? But every time we text during the day, it makes me happy.

 

I’ve noticed that it helps when he’s away on vacation or business trips and it helps when I hang with other people without him, I’m better able to suppress my feelings. I now go to concerts and workout with different buddies. It makes him jealous but I have to do it because it helps me get over whatever thing I have for this guy. But when we meet up and hang out, it’s like the world stops, like there’s no care or worry in the world. And it only makes me love him stronger than before. He lives too close for me to cut him out completely, but if we didn’t live so close, I think I would be better able to end it.

 

And there are times when I don’t think he feels the same way about me as I do about him, and I kind of want to know. I over analyze every situation. Like when other men are around talking, it seems like he forgets about me and talks more to the other person. So I’m like, okay, he’s just a friendly guy and he treats everyone the same way, so there’s nothing special between us. But then I wonder, does he text other people so much? Did he ask them to go to this game before he asked me? He’s special to me and I want to be 100% sure that I’m special to him, and it kind of drives me crazy wondering about it. But then I quickly tell myself that it’s actually best that I’m not special to him. It would actually help me get over him if I know he doesn't value the relationship the same way I do. Again, I’m not gay. The feelings are much deeper than just a sexual attraction, and that’s part of the confusion. It would be easier to comprehend if I were sexually attracted to him, but I’m just not.

 

I think this battle to compress my feelings is something that I am just going to have to deal with. With this intensity, things will not be normal for a long time. But I’m certain that for a long time, maybe the rest of my life, that I will always think about him and always love him.

[Kturner629]

Here's your issue: You do love him but first you need to admit it to him and then you need to disregard the life long wall you have up based on what you perceive is important. Deep down you are worried what others will think. Once you worry about just the two of you and let yourself truly love him then the sexual desire will in fact come naturally. You will see that if you can truly love without worrying what others think and you even hug him once you acknowledge the love that your love will naturally take it course and you will find yourself sexually attracted to him.

I would not tell him that you don't feel sexual feelings but rather leave it open and let yourself truly love him withe very fiber of your being and block out the world around you for a moment and you will see the clarity that in fact that the sexual thing will naturally come. Remember your happiness is more important than people's perceptions of you or your relationship.

[Capricorn3]

Thread is 4 years old and the OP has not returned to ENA for 2 years. Thread closed.