In love with same-sex friend but not gay... and don't know what to do

[ibijc2010]

Why can't you just accept that this is how you feel about him and enjoy what you have and your friendship with him? You don't have to confess any feelings towards him at all and you know he apparently loves you too. Why the need to say anything? (Just trying to understand).

 

Because although he said "I love you" on one occasion, he also said it was as a friend, and he didn't indicate that he feels the same way I do about him I guess....

[ibijc2010]

Yes, but I will still always wonder. I suppose that maybe never asking about it will be OK, but it is going to tear me up for the rest of my life wondering. Part of me wants to know so if he says "NO" I can just stop putting him so high up on a pedastal so to speak, but the other part of me just would rather leave things how they are. But each time I go out to New York, I keep wondering more and more and my depression upon return is getting worse and worse.

 

 

 

I wouldn't say that I am an emotional person. If you met me personally, you would know that I wasn't. In fact, I am one of the least open and least emotional people that many of my friends have come into contact with. I just have been bottling this up for so long and want to find answers. People usually know what they are feeling, they just don't like to express or talk about it. Since this is an anon forum, it's different and easier than it would be for me to talk about it face-to-face with a friend, family member, or even a therapist...

[lukeb]

I think that there is a problem here when the OP feels jealousy when his friend has sexual relations with women, that he is afraid that somehow he is getting closer to them. I have had a friendship that was so close that at least for a while it wasn't such a big deal that I was single, that the friendship was enough to sustain me, and I would get jealous of his boyfriend, and even to a point of his friendships with other people. I eventually got over "it" when my friend got a serious bf. I know now that it was a very unhealthy friendship, I wasn't even interested in getting into a relationship.

 

The two situations are not exactly the same but for similar reasons these are unhealthy friendships, the only way to resolve this is to break-up with your friend, perhaps your friend will get into a serious relationship and leave you for her, that would be one way to resolve it. I don't actually see a good outcome for the two of you.

[ibijc2010]

This doesn't make too much sense to me.... I am not in a relationship with him, and I was only saying that I became jealous when he talked about having sex because I felt like he might be getting closer to someone than me. I didn't care if he was just having sex, but I meant falling in love with someone.... that's all. I don't know how similar these situations are.

[Capricorn3]

Because although he said "I love you" on one occasion, he also said it was as a friend, and he didn't indicate that he feels the same way I do about him I guess....

So you love him MORE than just a friend?? As in you want more from him, as in a "relationship"?? But if you're two straight men, "wanting more" from him would indicate something way different (imo). I'm soooooo confused! I don't know what I'm missing here.

[ibijc2010]

So you love him MORE than just a friend?? As in you want more from him, as in a "relationship"?? But if you're two straight men, "wanting more" from him would indicate something way different (imo). I'm soooooo confused! I don't know what I'm missing here.

 

I think I have said that multiple times throughout this post-- I love him as more than a friend. I love him on some level that I cannot describe. However, as I have also said multiple times, I do not have any sexual attraction to him... I do not want to be in a "boyfriend" relationship with him. I don't know what I want or how to describe what I feel... which is one of the reasons I am posting this....

[Capricorn3]

Ok. I think it's best to leave it at that. I think I'll stand by my original post and step out of this thread. I just don't understand and am way too confused. Hopefully someone else will be able to help. Wish you well.

[abitbroken]

I guess what I don't get is why it is so important to you to know he feels the EXACT same way? Isn't enough to feel he is an important person in your life and know by his actions, he feels you are a close friend as well? Why do you have to "know" so badly? And why does it have to be the exact same way you feel. I honestly would suggest you try to spend time with other people. You seem to be fixating on him an awful lot in an unhealthy way if you are worried he'll meet a woman simply because it means less time with you. That's extremely selfish. What if he makes new friends? Its like you want him to only be YOUR friend.

 

Could one of these possibilities be true? I am not saying they all are .. but consider them.

 

1) You are the type of person who needs constant validation from other people. You need to be told you are loved, you did a good job, etc, and it is not enough just to "know it". After all, he did tell you he loved you as a friend. You can't, for some reason just use his prior statement. For some reason you want him to keep telling you, or think he didn't tell you "enough." I am not saying that its wrong for someone to like to hear "i love you" from parents or a lover, but the fact that he said it but you aren't happy until you muscle it out of him again and again. Maybe he really does just love you as a regular old friend or feels brotherly and you don't want to admit that you are the only one feeling this feeling. Maybe he doesn't know what he feels.

 

2) You obsess - you have an obsessive personality and are fixating on him in an unhealthy way. If you love him, you would want him to be happy - if he falls in love and marries, that's what you WANT - for him to be happy. But for you it seems the only appropriate thing for him to do is spend more time with you instead.

 

3) You are very codependent. I suspect this because you mention that you don't want sex, but if he was bi you would be "okay" if he wanted to hold or kiss you, even though "you wouldn't feel it in that way. If you are truly straight, this is compromising and adjusting yourself to fit someone's else's desires..... I have codependent tendencies and if I am not careful tend to take on the interests of the person I am with and have done things I originally didn't set out to do to keep in a relationship with them or to please them. You end up losing yourself a little bit. When in fact, if you have no sexual desire, you should stick to who you are and if he made advances to you, not be okay with it. A hug is one thing, but other things are another.

 

4) You are actually bisexual and are afraid to admit it. You are trying to convince yourself that you don't "love" him "that way" because you think its "gross". Some guys who I knew who later came out sometimes were the biggest voices about being gay being "gross" while the straight guys would just say "whatever, to each his own - its not me" and just not associate where gay sex was being discussed or offered.

 

There are women who are straight that have no sexual feelings about someone unless they are really in love. I am one of them. I wouldn't even think about sleeping with a guy i did not have those feelings for. I just don't even fantasize about them. But when I am really in love - i desire that man. same sex sexual relations can work the same way.

 

Anyway, if you are indeed straight, I would think that you haven't been in love yet or have an unhealthy view of sex if everything has been a "feelingless" one night stand. Maybe taht's something you need to think about and explore. Sex does have deep meaning, but to find it you have to wait and develop a loving relationship. You are blocking that from happening by dwelling on what this guy feels about you. You know - it would be cool to have a good friend that can commisserate with you and be supportive during all of those experiences in the dating world.

[slappyhappy]

Nothing gay about this. People are so unused to this sort of friendship that they don't know what to label it as. My best friend and I feel similarly towards each other. Nothing sexual whatsoever. Just extremely close, as close as two people could be without having sex.

 

In my case... a little over a year ago I became close with another guy who was indeed gay. I had dated girls exclusively prior to this but when I met Jason I felt the similar connection I had with my best friend... except I could tell that Jason was also digging me sexually. I kept it at a friendship level for quite a long time, even though I did feel some kind of sexual attraction to him as well. One night we were just chilling at his house when he leaned in and kissed me -- and I just went with it. Soon we started having sex. I really don't know how to explain it because I'm just not sexually attracted to many people. But for me to have sex there has to be more there. I can't just have sex with someone without feeling a deeper psychological pull. Unfortunately a few factors caused the "relationship" to end... but we are still incredibly close. Last week we were having a super-deep talk and he said he's never met anyone like me before and that he's stopped trying to analyze the connection between us. We woke up in the morning snuggling... and sometimes we still roll in the hay. But I view sex as not just a release, but a way to give completely of yourself.

 

Sometimes things can take a turn where you don't expect them. Sometimes things just stay on a friendship level. I feel fortunate to have deep connections with two of these people.

 

You can't explain it... so just let it happen how it does.

[lukeb]

The old saying if it looks like a duck, quacks like a duck then maybe it is a duck applies here. If the label gay scares you it is totally fine not to use it, I am not going to mind. I guess it is a personal decision how you want to self identify yourself. I think that labels can be useful but there is always that danger that a lot of people are going to apply a lot of baggage to that label. I just think that is their problem if they want to do that, I know what I am, and what it means. I believe it is the baggage that goes with the label that scares you, not the label itself.

[BellaDonna]

OP, you mention not having any sexual feelings toward him and no desire for intercourse. BUT, Do you want overall physicial closeness with him that doesnt' involve a sexual or romantic act? (i.e. could you see yourself wanting to hug him, sit with your arm around him?)

 

It do think it is possible to love someone and to desire physcial affection or closeness with them without it having to be sexual or involve genitals in any way.

 

There are actually "cuddle parties" that people have. lol

 

But I guess my point of even asking this is that sexuality does not have to be so rigid. I think we often look for labels to try to make sense of things, but rather than provide answers, the labels provide more questions.

 

It could very well be that you love this person, more than just a "friend", but not enough (sexually/physically) in order to be a romantic/sexual partner. There is a grey area in between that, and I think that is where you fit.

 

Have you ever seen the Kinsey Scale? link removed You might fall in between 0 and 1..... only if you could see yourself hugging/cuddling him.

[lukeb]

This doesn't make too much sense to me.... I am not in a relationship with him, and I was only saying that I became jealous when he talked about having sex because I felt like he might be getting closer to someone than me. I didn't care if he was just having sex, but I meant falling in love with someone.... that's all. I don't know how similar these situations are.

 

Well I would suggest you are actually in a relationship with him on a certain level if you are afraid that he is going to fall in love with someone else and that you could then lose that closeness that you feel that you have with him. That wouldn't be the case if you were friends. If you were friends you'd be delighted if he found someone special, and be happy for him.

 

I believe you are in fact gay, but your friend is probably straight. You are attracted to your friend but one of the other things that attract you to your friend is that you probably believe that the relationship would never turn physical. I think that you take comfort in the fact that your relationship isn't "gay" You are not very easily going to let go of that comfort. Our brains have a way of boxing in things were not comfortable dealing with, so you may very well not even realize this.

 

Another example of this boxing in or compartmentalizing is a good friend of mine never knew that he was gay up until he was 28, when he had his first gay experience. His sexual experiences up until that point were only with women, but he could never figure out what the big deal was, so he decided to become a priest. It was only when he went to seminary school when these things became revealed to him.

 

The point is the fact that you do not feel sexually attracted to your friend isn't indicative that you aren't gay, but you wanting this deeper emotional connected with this guy is. A straight guy can take his friendships seriously, but they would be ordinary friendships, they just wouldn't be looking for those types of connections. They would be looking for those types of connections in the opposite sex.

 

I believe you when you say you aren't sexually attracted to your friend in your case it doesn't really prove that you aren't gay but all the other things you said do.

 

Anyways I think that this is what you are missing, that our brains have a particular way of compartmentalizing things we are not ready to deal with, but they do show up in other forms. You are ready to have a deep emotional connection with this guy, but you are not ready to accept the physical component to a point where you do not even feel physically attracted to him.

[camus154]

The point is the fact that you do not feel sexually attracted to your friend isn't indicative that you aren't gay, but you wanting this deeper emotional connected with this guy is.

 

No, it's not. It just means he wants a deeper emotional connection with a guy and that's not conventional, either. I've had such a friendship with a guy in my own past that went beyond typical friendship but had absolutely nothing to do with sex. Sometimes you can really love someone--in all ways that you'd normally ascribe to a romantic relationship but without sex--for whatever reason. The reason doesn't matter. It's just that type of bond. That doesn't suddenly dictate your sexuality, any more than it would make you straight if you found yourself having such an emotional bond with a woman.

[lukeb]

I guess in the end it isn't important what I believe, but is it realistic to go to your friend and say well we're such close friends I don't want you to get married or get a serious gf, or even other close guy-friends because it is going to impact on the closeness we share. Kind of like trying to keep things monogamous in a marriage. What should you do if you have unrealistic expectations on any kind of a relationship, well don't get into them.

[ibijc2010]

I appreciate the quote/advice, but I am not gay. I have never thought about a guy in a sexual manner or had sexual attraction to a guy-- I have only had it with women. But, I feel that there is a way to divorce sexual feelings and emotional feelings. As far as your comment about me seeking these emotional connections in women-- I have and do seek this type of emotional connection in women-- and there have been women that I have been close to. But I have never been this close to ANYONE before-- regardless of sex. There is no way I would be able to have sexual relations with my friend, because I am not sexually attracted to him.

 

Cuddling/Embracing someone isn't necessarily gay. It's just a way to experience a physical closeness without having a sexual physical closeness. Cuddling together, sleeping together, hugging each other, isn't really gay as long as you don't get sexually aroused while doing it. And he would probably be the only guy in the world I would ever consider doing any of the aforementioned activities with-- only because it would symbolize an emotional closeness. Again, to reiterate, I would not have sex. But, to be honest, I don't know how sex really makes two people close-- as the many sexual experiences I have had-- again are all just sexual release. The vast majority of the women I have had sex with I have never spoken to since (I know that sounds bad, but just trying to be honest).

 

And to point out your comment about marriage-- I never said I wasn't going to get married or he isn't going to get married. I definable plan on it. However, I plan on marrying my wife for sexual reasons and for more of an arrangement and do not plan on being as emotionally close to my wife as I am to him-- even if I do marry a woman that I love. I never said I would be jealous when he gets married-- only that I wonder what he would think about me.

 

I don't understand how you are saying that I could be gay and how everything else I have said is "gay". I think it might be weird, odd, or unconventional, but I don't think it's gay. And about your comment where you think he is "straight". He has done more "gay" things in our relationship, such as put his arm on me and his head on my chest on multiple occasions while we were sleeping. He has also done some weird jokes with me where he is jokingly gay towards me.... he sometimes randomly whips out his genitalia, humps me-- at one time he even masturbated on my leg (as a joke) and other times does.... further odd things. I get repulsed/revulsed (and scream at him) when he does things like that. But I am sure he's just joking-- and if he was gay/bisexual he wouldn't have had 2 serious relationships in his life and talk about having sex with women all of the time.

 

The point is... neither of us is gay or bisexual (especially me). And I don't know WHAT exactly I feel about him. I think the fact that I (or maybe we) have a strong emotional connection that no one can explain... and people have to try to assign conventional labels to this relationship to describe it. I was hoping to get some insight as to what I am actually feeling and what I should do to stop it/resolve it. It is really bringing down my life and affecting my day-to-day functioning. I feel confused about what to do-- to tell him how I feel and risk losing our friendship (because he might think it is weird) or just to bottle it up as I have for the past few years and just keep it a secret. Either way, I don't know what to do....

[TwilightLurker]

If you continue to bottle up your feelings, your quality of life is going to continue to suffer. This is something that you could, possibly, carry with you for your entire life. That's potentially a very long time to experience depression, pain and doubt. It's the safest way to handle the situation, at least in the short term, but not the healthiest, and it's something that will likely stop you from obtaining true happiness at one point in your life. You can't be happy and content with your life when you have something this significant go unresolved.

 

If you open up to him about what you're feeling and he freaks out to the point he never speaks with you again, it will be a crushing experience, but you know, the moment it hits you that it's over, is the moment the healing can begin. It will be a part of your life that you will be able to leave behind, thus allowing you to live without the uncertainty and depression that you're feeling now. I doubt you want to be still asking the same questions ten, twenty, even forty years from now. If he walks out of your life, all the depression and pain that you would've otherwise lived with over the course of your lifetime is going to hit you all at once, but at least you won't have wasted a lifetime wondering, and you'll be free to live out the remainder of your life without this weighing heavy on your mind and heart.

 

If the two of you have as strong of a bond as you believe, then opening up to him will only bring you guys closer. I'm not saying you're both going to suddenly want a romance together, but rather the emotional connection will be more intense and enriching than it is now. He's really the only one that you could talk to that might be able to help you make better sense of what you're feeling. If he's someone that truly cares about you, he'll listen and want to ease the pain and confusion you're feeling, because that's what true friends do. If he turns his back on you, then he's not worth what you're putting yourself through and you're better off without him, because then, you'll see, just how little he values his friendship with you, and just how shallow of a person he is. If he continues to be a part of your life, then you'll know you probably have a friend for life, and the answers to your questions will come - probably not all at once, but over time, you'll begin to understand just what it is that exists between the two of you. Ultimately, this just isn't something you can explore alone or ponder about with others because it concerns you and another unique individual. I think you owe it to yourself, and him, to talk about what it is the two of you have been sharing.

 

Again, you may not like the outcome, but isn't it better for there to be an outcome, rather than drag something like this out for who knows how many years to come?

[ibijc2010]

This is very good advice. I not only worry about his response, but I will feel very weird "confessing" this to him-- it's going to require ALOT of alcohol if I do it in person. I feel like I should probably do it in person, because if I don't then it won't be as meaningful.

[camus154]

I guess I'm confused here. What is it you really want out of this? If it's not some sort of romantic or sexual relationship, then what are you truly seeking? Isn't this relationship and special bond its own reward?

[TwilightLurker]

This is very good advice. I not only worry about his response, but I will feel very weird "confessing" this to him-- it's going to require ALOT of alcohol if I do it in person. I feel like I should probably do it in person, because if I don't then it won't be as meaningful.

 

Why not write out how you feel in the form of a letter - similar to how you've outlined your thoughts and feelings in this thread - hand him the letter, remain in the room, and talk it over with him after he finishes reading what you wrote. By preparing a letter in advance, you'll be able to present your feelings to him without having to muster the courage to speak the words and without having to worry about forgetting to include something.

[ibijc2010]

Why not write out how you feel in the form of a letter - similar to how you've outlined your thoughts and feelings in this thread - hand him the letter, remain in the room, and talk it over with him after he finishes reading what you wrote. By preparing a letter in advance, you'll be able to present your feelings to him without having to muster the courage to speak the words and without having to worry about forgetting to include something.

 

This is a good idea-- but my only concern would be he would probably think a letter is a bit weird.... it seems maybe too dramatic. I think it might be better to just talk about it out loud.....

 

And in response to the previous quote, I do not want a relationship (romantic/sexual), I just want to know what he really feels about me...

[TwilightLurker]

This is a good idea-- but my only concern would be he would probably think a letter is a bit weird.... it seems maybe too dramatic. I think it might be better to just talk about it out loud.....

 

You should certainly take the action that you're most comfortable with, but I wouldn't talk to him while you're intoxicated as you suggested in an earlier post. I don't know if you were serious or not when you said that, but if you were, I don't think that's a good idea because he may doubt your sincerity and you may have difficulty understanding and remembering how he respond and what he responds with.

 

I understand that you don't want to lose him as a friend, and that's why you're so hesitant to ask him the questions that are on your mind, but the way I see it is, if you see the friendship that you have with him as being so fragile that an open and honest conversation could shatter it, what does that really say about the two of you? Are you guys perhaps not as close and comfortable with each other as you think? It's normal to be worried over how a situation might play out, but you seem extremely worried about how he is going to respond, to the point where it's affecting your mental and emotional health. It just seems like you either don't have a lot of faith in the friendship that you have with him or perhaps even you're afraid of facing the possibility that the two of you actually don't have anything special together, should he prove to not care about your feelings and walk away from you.

 

There may or may not be more issues affecting you right now than you realize. You may think you're asking all the right questions that will ultimately bring it all into focus once you have the answers, but I think you might have to dig deeper and further question why you're feeling the way you are, not just about him, but also why you're asking these questions. Emotions and thoughts can and do branch off, sort of like a web, and sometimes, you need to follow the web of emotions or thoughts to reach where they originate, and in doing so, you sometimes discover needs or desires that you didn't quite realize were there. This is how a persons grows as an individual, through self-exploration. I'm not saying that this definitely applies here, but you might be seeking more than just the answer to the question of whether he feels the same way or not.

[abitbroken]

I might not give him a letter, but write a letter to work out your feelings.

 

What I am confused about is why - if you DO NOT want a different form of a relationship, why is it so important he verbalizes that he feels the EXACT way you do? If you have close feelings for him, and it seems because he is close to you his actions might suggest he feels the same way, then why are you so on a mission for him to "say" it. He already told you he loves you, and you know you guys are close, so what more are you wanting him to tell you that he has not said in his actions? He shares emotionally intimate things with you so that shows he trusts you and has a close relationship, he is there for you, he hugs you. What more is there really is to say? What are you wanting him to say? You want something more than "i love you", and I am not exactly sure what that is.

 

It is like me knowing through his actions that a relative or close friend or boyfriend loves me, but prodding them into telling me that they love me in the exact same manner that I love them down to the blood cell.

[Honey Pumpkin]

Just a thought - if he masturbates and ejaculates on your leg, there is a physical sexuality going on there. Maybe you're not gay or bisexual, but maybe you are with this guy. I have a female friend who is the same, she isn't gay, but she is in a same sex relationship with another woman because she fell in love with that woman. Would it be so hard to consider a physical relationship with this person that you love, and ignore the labelling?

[ibijc2010]

Just a thought - if he masturbates and ejaculates on your leg, there is a physical sexuality going on there. Maybe you're not gay or bisexual, but maybe you are with this guy. I have a female friend who is the same, she isn't gay, but she is in a same sex relationship with another woman because she fell in love with that woman. Would it be so hard to consider a physical relationship with this person that you love, and ignore the labelling?

 

When he "masturbated on my leg" it was a joke-- I don't think it was serious. And he didn't ejaculate it was a brief few seconds he did it and it was a joke. I then screamed at him and he stopped. He does similar things all the time. But he hasn't done anything like that for a couple of years an when I have asked him about why he did that stuff in the past he said it was a joke and didn't have any substance or meaning.

 

As far as us being in a physical relationship, I couldn't have sex with him. I Just am not sexually attracted-- I would not be aroused. If your friend is in a same sex relationship and it goes physical--or sexual--then she is probably at least bisexual if she can be sexually aroused by her. I guess what I am asking is to clarify-- how would that work?

 

Plus, the fact remains that I want to have kids some day and get married (even if I don't necessarily love the woman).

[lukeb]

I wish you well but I can't help but see this relationship as very problematic on many levels. Right now it is just a theoretical relationship anyways. You don't even know how he would feel about what you are trying to propose here. There is an added danger that you can't really define the relationship in such a way as to get him to make a real commitment that would satisfy your needs. In the end all you are asking is for him to be a friend, free to make other friends, to get married raise a family etc. I would forget the whole thing, be a friend, be a good friend, you can't really expect anything more from him.

 

I would really really look within yourself to try to figure out, what it is about you that is making you want to be so close to this guy, and I think you already know where I am going with this. That is a journey that only you can go on.