keeps saying 'needs space' will not say "we are breaking up"

[mannaguy]

Im just venting a bit here so...

 

Ok space I understand..in this r/s its been "I" that have asked for space.And I never really got any..only rage and threats to leave when ever I broached the subject.

 

Finally after 9 months I started to get very angry.I did not communicate my anger

very well.Im prone to letting it build and then blowing and saying stuff I dont mean.

I need help in that area & Im getting it.

 

But I was dealing with my GF who had a drinking problem and suffered from anxiety & depression. I handled that pretty good for about 4 months.Then we had a series of break-ups.Stress started to build in me.

 

At some point (7 months) I made a promise to myself to not be the one anymore to threaten breaking up whenever there was a fight or actually doing it.

 

Even after a very drunken night where she attacked me verbally & physically.She then 'quit' for good.

I did not leave.I felt it was her rock bottom.I gave her alot of space to decide how she wanted to get better.I wasn't on her case all the time.

 

However I was still concerned and feeling traumatized(PTSD!)

We had counseling in place-she found a therapist-I have one.

 

But I started losing control of my emotions (the reverse of what it had been like)

and lashing out(after her last bout of booze).I'm so sad about that and full of regret.I know it goes deeper than her as well.But in truth she did traumatize me 3 times and it was very scarey.

 

So after my last rage(last week) she said 'she cant do this'-'need space'.

I still asked to speak to her to try and get some closure.And I also tried really hard to not

contact her.

 

With in the last week its gone from emotional telephone calls (both of us crying)..

to her totally ignoring me.But last night I pressed her: I asked "Are you breaking up with me?".She still could not say it.But I am now ready to accept it and ready to move on.

 

Im feeling angry that this may be another emotional blackmail as she's done time & time again.That has caused me to panick. Well its a 'Beautiful Mess' to be sure.

 

So there is my vent.

 

Thanks

[ChellyV]

so much anger has perhaps built up that all attempts to talk seem to be an outburst?

your case truly needs NC. NC to think things through, walk away from stress then be in a better position to handle things. believe me it had worked to all of us here. it seems you love and care for her, why not deal with your own issues first so you do not say anything you will regret?

[toby17]

I think you shouldn't press her on whether she's breaking up with you. Because if you press her too much, she might just say the words and I think you'll regret it. Plus fixing a relationship is easier while you're in it. You've just got to read this site to find out how difficult it is to get someone back who's left.

 

I think you should give her space. Don't go NC entirely because if she likes the space she might decide she'd like to break up.

 

I think you should go LC and try the 180 divorce busting list. And really use that time to figure out if you really want to be in the relationship too.

[mannaguy]

Thanks.

 

Yes I do really love & care for her.I gave her alot of emotional space and nurturing during our time.I put my needs 2nd.I resented that (myself) and projected it onto her.

 

Yes, I pretty much have hit my limit and realized this r/s has triggered

major childhood rage issues. I'm gonna do just that: work with the triggers from the r/s

and trace the anger/grief back to the source.I've done alot of this already over the years,which is good

but at the moment I'm perplexed that it's come flooding back.I think that's because she is quite a bit like my Mother.I've actually already told my mother this.

 

My Dad just died last May and might be the reason I've regressed.It didn't help that my girlfriend had a major rage at me a week after I got home after being at his bedside for 12 days.That made me feel like she had absolutely no empathy for me (another trait of my Moms-at times).

 

Since I wrote this post I read alot of NC positive threads and by gosh it Really helped.And I feel confident

that I can do it and that it is basically the right thing to do.

 

I've read 3/4's of "The Emotionally Abusive Relationship" and one suggestion with very clear instructions is

to make a real apology for abusive behavior.I do feel the need to do this before I go away Tuesday.

Any of our conversations after the break-up have been either highly charged with blame or sadness(on both our parts).

I think I need to hone in and make an apology about what "I" did to "her".

I'm thinking of writing a letter (by hand!) where this is the soul focus.After that it's in the hands of the universe.

 

M

[mannaguy]

You've just got to read this site to find out how difficult it is to get someone back who's left.

 

Thanks I have and I'm getting it.It's(space) something I rarely asked her for and I'm angry with myself.

The one time I did she went ballistic and spent 80$ on a cab coming to see me! I felt as she must be feeling now.So I really do get that.

 

180 divorce busting list

 

Where is this list? I searched here but did not find it.

 

Thanks

[mannaguy]

Update: ..

we did end up talking Fri night.She went from anger(that I had not respected her space)

to being sad-anyways a lengthy convo...difficult for both of us.Since then I decided NC for me.

And I'm going on health retreat vacation tomorrow for 2 weeks.So this will really help as its a pretty strict regime.

 

I never really felt I expressed my regret or apologized for my bad stuff in the past few weeks.

I did but it was with the intention of 'getting her back'-fixing something-feeling ashamed.

 

As I've been reading link removed

I came accross a part where the author suggests in a very focused way to take accountability for abuse,

to your partner.

Now its probably too late to fix anything but I still felt compelled to write her a letter and put the focus

on me and what I did,rather than a messy confused 2-way 'love-you-leave you' convo(where we usually wind up).

And of course a part of me holds out hope that she would have me back too.

 

However now Im back to giving up-not bothering her at all in anyway & just moving on.

Its just that the author says it will bring peace to both of us in a way(maybe that's if we are actually still together?)

 

What you think? One more goodbye and sorry letter?

 

M