How do I find peace to the inner turmoil? A vent I guess...

[ApocalypseDreams]

Sorry for writing this. I'm not too sure what I'm looking for, maybe just to vent. I'm feeling particulary down at the moment and maybe just need to let off some steam.

 

I don't even know really how to start this because I have million things I want to say. This past year I've slumped completely into a hole that I'm not sure I can get out of and my depression has taken on a considerably deeper tone than previously. I'm asking questions about my life and whether or not I actually have a purpose. Everything is looking dark and I'm isolating myself from people. I no longer have the physical energy to really do too much, despite having an overactive mind that seems hellbent on just confusing me further. I question everything and I'm so conflicted in my thoughts. Nothing is stable and I don't really know if I believe in much anymore. I feel tired, lonely and tortured everyday and when I do get some relief it is always temporary or superficial. I can't think about anything with overanalysing everything. Everything is always a double edged sword (or so it seems) and I can't get a clear win.

 

I've started seeing a therapist and I'm taking Lexapro 20mg. I suppose the therapy has exposed some things that may have impacted me and made me the way I am. My mother died a few years back and was diagnosed with cancer when I just left school. For 5 years I was living under the constant threat that my mum was going to die and my therapist believes that I never had the whole "selfish, rebellious, adventurous, experimental" type life that most teenagers and young adults have. During that whole period I was basically waiting for my mother to die and didn't really enjoy anything from that period. She said in some ways I missed out on an important part of forming into a healthy adult, who can take risks and who creates things for themselves.

 

I don't think the medication is working. Infact, it's almost like my body is not responding to it at all. I've taken Lovan (Prozac) previously and mentally felt much better but it reaped havoc on my body physically. At least I knew it was working. I suppose I'll give it one more week (I'm 5 weeks into Lexapro) and if things don't take a better turn, I'll need to think about moving onto another med.

 

I've been thinking of trying buddhism and getting in contact with a local centre. Even if I just get some meditation or mindfullness techniques out of it or something. Hopefully maybe some kind of self empowerment too. My therapist also believes I'm suffering from some kind of existential crisis because I'm really questioning it all at the moment. Perhaps it can offer me something and maybe enlighten or give me something to believe in.

 

I am actually in physical pain alot. My head hurts from the intense depression and I feel lethargic constantly. I'm neglecting my own personal wellbeing also and that is just making me feel worse but in some regards I don't care about myself anymore. I care about my own personal wellbeing in what others will think of me but not for my own benefit.

 

Thanks for listening. I don't know if what I've written makes any sense to anyone. I hope someone can understand me.

 

 

Jonty.

[Flyingpiglet]

I suppose the therapy has exposed some things that may have impacted me and made me the way I am.

 

Hey Jonty,

 

You know me, Nothing much useful to say but though I'd let you know I'm hearing ya!

 

Just look at the above quote though.... This could be why you feel like things are worse now than before.

I'm hoping for you that as you work through these feelings with your therapist, you might start to find yourself again.

At least you'll be starting from the right place this time, the very beginning.

And definitely if the meds you're on aren't working, get back to the docs and try to find some that will work!

Stick with it Jonty, I for one am routing for ya!

[ApocalypseDreams]

Thanks for the kind words flyingpiglet.

 

You're correct, it has been crossing my mind that the process will be me feeling alot worse before I feel any better. I always think I'm at rock bottom and then I have to change what my definition of that is because I'm just in a downward spiral.