Confusion. Are we friends? Does he miss me? Does it even matter????

[changeacomin]

Broke up after 6 years together, 3 months ago. We are in LC - longest time without contact has been 17 days - but this has ALWAYS been initiated by me. Initially, I was in contact with him because I wanted answers. I wanted to know how he came to the decision to leave our relationship. He always answered my emails kindly, affectionately, honestly, and tried to explain how he felt about things. He lives 6 hours away now, so email has been our only point of contact

 

He told me he still loves me and still finds me the sexiest woman he's ever known (yes, I realise that might be because he was trying to make me feel less hurt or himself less guilty etc etc and probably means nothing). He told me his reasons for leaving our relationship were because he wants to travel and be able to do so without being within the confines of a relationship. He felt that he was "missing out" on things by being in a long term relationship. (He has been in long term relationships all his life - 3 in total. He's 42. And yes, I guess that means he wanted to shag around and see what else was "out there". I had also become TOOOO needy during the last 6 months of our relationship and I accept my part in what happened)

 

Pfffttt! Anyway. Time has passed, I've accepted all of this and in many ways understood where he is coming from. I have set him free. He needs to do what he needs to do. What's the point in being with someone who doesn't want to be with you? After the initial pain and shock subsided, I worked on myself, found new interests, new friends and am getting on with my life. It's all good. As I said, I had issues of neediness at times during our last 6 months together which I feel may have been partly responsible for pushing him away (although when we first got together it was the other way round) and I am working on those issues and am a better, more balanced person for doing this. In many ways I'm grateful that the break up led me to take a good look at my life and make the changes I needed to make in various areas. I'm happy with my progress. And I won't (hopefully) make the same mistakes again.

 

So...the emails between us continue. But I sometimes feel like I've almost been weaning myself off him. I have noticed that lately, as I have grown stronger in myself and happier in my life, that my emails to him have changed. I no longer need answers. I'm not needy. I have my answers and have accepted the situation. I know I can live without him. (I have no choice in the matter anyway!) This week, for example, I saw in my diary that he had a doctor's appointment (he has ill health) and sent him an email asking how it went. This time his reply was different. It contained many questions for ME. "How's X/Y/Z going?" , "What's new with you?", "How did you get on at..." etc.

This is not normal for him. I answered briefly, and thought that would be it, But then I received another email from him, asking even more questions. Odd.

 

What's going on? Does he feel me moving away? No longer desperate for him? Do people really only ever want what they think they can't have???? Or is this something else? Can he sense the change of tone in my emails to him? Or have I just been friend zoned? Is he feeling more comfortable being "friends" with me now that I have no sense of neediness? Or........is he maybe missing me????

 

I'm a bit confused. Any thoughts?

 

 

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[psycho magnet]

No, it doesn't matter. But it seems like it still matters to you (i.e. you still have some feelings for him), otherwise you wouldn't be posting this. Everyone is susceptible to "want what you can't have" syndrome so your change in tone probably is affecting him, just as going completely NC would affect him. But this is only because he knows that he's been stringing you along thus far and you've allowed him to do so. I'm sorry to say it but, speaking as a man who's been on both sides of the coin, he's probably not missing you. Judging his actions based on your post he's probably quite indifferent. If you're there and you email, he'll talk to you. But if you don't or if your tone changes, he might be a bit taken aback, but he'll just move on with his single life because that's what he wanted in the first place. Always remember that he left you. I know it sucks but I'm going through the same thing. My ex and I have had sex a few times since we split (she dumped me), and each time I held out hope that we would get back together. But she never wanted that, she just wanted the attention.

 

If you are happy in your life, why are you still emailing him? Do you genuinely believe there is a chance for friendship, or do you think there is a chance of reconciliation? If it's the former, keep up the emails. If it's the latter, I'd suggest going no contact.

[changeacomin]

If you are happy in your life, why are you still emailing him? Do you genuinely believe there is a chance for friendship, or do you think there is a chance of reconciliation? If it's the former, keep up the emails. If it's the latter, I'd suggest going no contact.

 

Thanks for your reply Dawg.

When we first broke up I emailed him because I wanted answers and it kind of went on from there. I'm happy in that I know my life is good without him now - whereas I thought I wouldn't be able to say that when we first broke up. I had made him the centre of my universe which I now know was wrong.

 

The problem is, I don't really know if I want him back or not now. He still plans to travel for the unforseeable future, so even if we got back together, I'd be in a relationship with him that would be long distance and would mean rarely even seeing him until some time in the future when he decides to stop travelling.

 

I suppose it would help if I knew what I actually wanted wouldn't it?

[psycho magnet]

Yeah, I don't know about the long distance thing at this point. Doesn't seem like a good idea. Tell me about it, I didn't know what I wanted from my ex either until yesterday. Now I know I want nothing to do with her.

[changeacomin]

Yeah, I don't know about the long distance thing at this point. Doesn't seem like a good idea. Tell me about it, I didn't know what I wanted from my ex either until yesterday. Now I know I want nothing to do with her.

 

What changed yesterday?

[psycho magnet]

Well, we've hung out and had sex every couple of weeks since we broke up (I haven't wanted to, but I've been weak). Keep in mind that she dumped me and rejected my attempt at reconciliation twice. A couple of nights ago was the most recent two week mark. Just as I suspected, she called all day. I didn't answer. Then she texted around midnight. I didn't respond all night. The next day she texted "Can you please just call me?" and wouldn't leave it alone. Finally I called just to shut her up, and I also thought maybe, just maybe, she would actually apologize for some of her behavior post breakup (she has been quite nasty). Nope. When I made it clear I wasn't interested in meeting up with her, she launched into a critical tirade against me. Then when I hung up she proceeded to text me the continuation of that tirade. In the past, she's been able to engage me and push my buttons. Not this time. I didn't respond at all and went to sleep.

 

What changed was that I realized, on a deeper level than I have before, how manipulative she is, and how little she's ever really cared about my feelings. She LIKES * * * * ing with me! She gets off on it. Also, it finally clicked: I really don't care anymore. She just doesn't have the power over me she used to. I won't be contacting her again, or responding to her calls or texts.

 

Anyways, breakups suck. I wish you the best of luck with your situation.

[psycho magnet]

I guess I should also add that I finally had a good cry about the relationship. I generally don't cry, so it was unexpected. It just hit me. I thought of all the good times and really cried. It was cathartic. So that probably helped me put it in the past as well. Sorry, probably giving you too much info here...