What should I do?

[LSgirl]

Short background:

Me (26) and ex (27) dated 10 months. We met only 3 months after his 8 year relationship with his ex-fiancee, she cheated on him. However, it was not enough time for him to heal but we took the risk anyway. He was such a gentleman, loyal, awesome together but emotionally unavailable on his part. He didn't want to get hurt again, I became resentful and towards the end I started arguing with him, he'd pull away, he couldn't give me what I wanted emotionally. We both never said 'i love you' but neither of us were rushing that. He broke up with me on our last argument. I went NC right away and on Day 9 (halloween) I ran into him at a bar. We had a great time, it was like we were back together, but then when we brought up our break-up, the last thing I said to him was "i realized i was just a rebound" and he walked out of the bar.

 

He sent me an e-mail the next morning (yesterday) saying he was sorry for walking out and hurting me, he missed me, said i deserved better, i was never a rebound, but that he couldn't be with someone who argued (i never say anything i regret or make low blows, i tell him nicely how he's emotionally detached) but to him I come off mean and he can't handle the conversations. I realized his e-mail was completely selfish, that he needed time. I saw that he wanted someone who doesn't bring up anything (im not going to be submissive and i find that hard to believe bc his ex seems like a strong confident person) In any case, I e-mailed back saying how I felt he was emotionally unavailable, I became frustrated and that I needed security too as much as he did and that i missed him as well.

 

In the e-mail, I mentioned how he had this surprise to give me (before we broke up) and never got around to giving it to me and then after he got off of work, he texted "should i stop by to drop off your gift?" I didn't respond bc I couldn't be convenient for him, so 5 min later he texted "well I guess I can drop it off in the mail" I felt like he was trying to see how I would react. He's not a mean person, but I just don't want to be someone around when he wants.

 

He never understood why I thought he was emotionally detached. He was good to me in many other ways, everything was there except for that deep commitment which I came to realize I cannot rush him because he needs time. But should I let him drop off the gift if he hasn't mailed it already? Should I keep limited contact or NO contact? It still says we're in a relationship on Facebook even though we've been broke up 11 days, but he's not a huge FB person.

 

If you want to read the e-mail from yesterday, here it is if it helps:

 

Him

 

U make in to work ok today?

Sorry for walking out on you last night. I really think you have a harder time with my ex than I do. I had a lot of fun up until then an really enjoyed talking to you again. I'll be the first to admit I've been really busted up by this whole situation. Maybe I should have talked to you about it before we fell out. I just cant, couldn't handle constantly being bombarded with crazy stuff. I'm not trying to draw this out, I just want you to know how I feel. I just wanted to be comfortable and stable and I really enjoy it when we were, are. But I need stability in my future. I have too much too worry about without thinking the person I'm connecting with has other motives or a daily emotional molotov cocktail tossed in my feng shui everyday. I miss you, but I like the nice person I meet and not the argumentative meany Ive gotten to know. Your a sweet caring person when you want to be and I really thought we had something good. But I guess I need to relax and wait. Take my time and really find out what I need in my life. But fyi I would like that nice submissive (this refers to when I would tell him 'u want me to be some submissive gf bc i wont') lady you don't like at all. I think thats the best stuff, two people should take care of each other in the best way possible. Blah blah blah, you hate this guy and wish he'd just stfu, I know. I wont bother you anymore, but thanks, like I said I'll always have a soft spot for you no matter what happens or what anyone says.

 

ps: your not a rebound and never were, so please dont say that about yourself. I just wanted to say sorry for last night. I should have left earlier so I didn't mess up your night

 

My response

 

Hey,

I didn't have a hard time with your ex until you would bring her up and I could tell you were never fully recovered from the breakup. You said yourself you had a wall up and didn't want to let anyone in and hurt you like that again. Because of that, you couldn't fully invest in our relationship emotionally and I could sense it from the beginning yet I believed in us and it was a risk I was willing to take. I was never trying to be crazy, but knowing that you could never give me what you had to offer in the past set me back also. There were times you would break down and say you had demons inside you and in a dark place and I didn't know what to do but to be there for you. Even when you were emotionally unavailable, I stuck by you because I couldn't give up that easily. I felt like when I would speak up for myself, you would pull away instead of talking about it, and it would build up inside. I did take care of you, we took care of each other, but communication is important for me. Seeing you bitter about your breakup hasn't allowed you to fully be with me and it was heartbreaking. I need stability in my future too but I didn't feel secure when there was a wall up, I didn't know where I fit in and was still trying to figure that out. And you're not bothering me, I like this, I like hearing from you because it helps me to understand you better. I would have liked it if you did talk to me about it before breaking up with me. Hearing we were on the rocks from an acquaintance was a bit hurtful. I'm not sure if being friends is the best timing for either of us, but I still care about you and hope the best for the both of us. I still think we are great when we are together, I had a lot of fun with you last night even if it was just a fleeting moment. I miss you too, I miss us. I know i'll never get that surprise, still wondering what it is, but no worries.

 

Him:

I still have it... I think I have to get a better one just because this one has been so built up. Somehow your sappy is meany Muss be dusty around here

[DylanNotorious]

I wouldn't do anything. He thinks your mean and not submissive enough. And I noticed how all he wanted to do was put you down where you wanted to talk about the relationship. I wouldn't worry about him anymore.

[Eocsor]

Stay broken up. You were a rebound then and you'd be a rebound now. It's only been a little over a year since he and his ex of 8 years split. He still sounds messed up by it(totally normal to be) But he's still too raw. Find someone more emotionally stable.

[LSgirl]

But do I stay in limited or no contact? I am curious to know what the surprise was. If he really did mail it out then that's fine, I just don't want to be available to him if he's not going to be available for me. Neither of us are responsible for each other's feelings anymore. I miss him a lot, and wish he could see my point of view, but after reading his e-mails and texts over and over, he comes off selfish and blaming me and it's not fair. I just don't know how to make him see that. Should I let him drop off the surprise? I havent responded to his texts last night about him wanting to drop off or just ignore it since he already said "well i can just mail it" if he ever asks why i didnt respond, ill just say "well u texted 5 min later saying you'd just mail it so i thought that was what u were going to do" I wanted him back so bad, and now i just feel stupid that i let him blame me.

[LSgirl]

One more thing, do I tell him that he's selfish for blaming me and that he's still a broken person and other things? I just hate how he doesn't see himself like I do, but telling him may not change anything. Do I explain to him that I realized he was putting me down instead of working on things, or just let all this go? I know he may try to contact me again in the future, but should I just not bring such things up?

[bulletproof]

One more thing, do I tell him that he's selfish for blaming me and that he's still a broken person and other things? I just hate how he doesn't see himself like I do, but telling him may not change anything. Do I explain to him that I realized he was putting me down instead of working on things, or just let all this go? I know he may try to contact me again in the future, but should I just not bring such things up?

 

There's no reason to tell anyone that he's selfish or a broken person. That's just mean, and it's also more of an opinion than anything else. There are two sides to every story and I'm sure he has his own reasons and his own pain to deal with. Just let it go. End on a good note.