OkSky Posted October 31, 2011 Share Posted October 31, 2011 Hello everyone, I'm new here on eNotAlone. After what transpired last night I felt I needed a safe place to talk. Where to begin? Married 3 years, with 2 kids. Happy happy marriage. Last year, however, our world was rocked when we were informed that the eldest of our children was suffering from Leukemia. Devastating news for any parent. Not going to lie, it's been a rough year. Finances drained, jobs were left, grandmother diagnosed with lung cancer and passed, and various other incidents that would make a year from hell sound like a Hawaiian vacation. The one thing I had was the strength of the bond between my wife and I. But now, he's in maintenance, so things are looking positive for him from here on out. Well, starting 2 months ago, I noticed a disconnect between myself and her. Not texting me as much, no intimacy, later working days, all the fun stuff that makes a spouse go " * * * ?" Moods of course became rather shifty between us. I knew something was happening, but was unsure what. Until one night she garnered a text message from her sister stating "Have you yelled out [name here]'s name in bed? LOL", and "He hasn't seen your emails or something has he?". So now I knew. I decided to give her a chance to come clean. I asked her the night after if she still loved me and if there was someone else. To which she replied "Of course I do! No way in heck would that happen.. Why would you even ask that?". It apparently looked like I would have to take matters into my own hands. I later scooped up her phone. Something I hated doing as I am not the type of person to do so. I noticed she deleted all of her messages from her sister, and her email inbox was empty. She knew she was caught and decided to get rid of the evidence. To make a long story short, she forgot to empty her trash bin, and there they were. Numerous emails between her and this fellow she met while at our nephews hockey tournament. They were quite explicit. Pictures were shared, plans for meetups were made, etc. My nightmare just became reality. I did confront her, and we did have a long convo. I'm just not sure where to go from here. Cheers to all. Link to comment
jennysilver Posted October 31, 2011 Share Posted October 31, 2011 yikes. so sorry. messages are one thing. pictures are certainly the next level. and plans to meet!!! maybe she would never act on it though. it could be a fantasy that went too far. Link to comment
hers Posted October 31, 2011 Share Posted October 31, 2011 I'm sorry to read all of this. Is your older child doing well after his or her illness? You didn't mention but regardless, I hope your child is ok. It's extremely difficult to recover from all of this. My husband adn I have been through it and it was similar to your wife's affair (very explicit emails and plans to meet but nothing physical from what I coudl find). Does she know you know about the details? When you confronted her about it, did she admit to it all? Have you both considered counseling? What do you feel you need to do? I recommend not making any rash or immediate decisions until things are calmed down enough for you to think clearly. Link to comment
RedDress Posted October 31, 2011 Share Posted October 31, 2011 You said you had a long conversation with her. What did she say? Does she want to continue with the relationship? Why was she doing that? What happened? Has she made any promises? What has she suggested as a means to move forward? There is no cut and dry in life. Sometimes under very tough circumstances, stuff happens. You don't have to leave her. You also don't have to stay. The choice is yours. I think the first step is making an informed decision and plan. What did she say about the above? How do you feel? Link to comment
OkSky Posted October 31, 2011 Author Share Posted October 31, 2011 @hers - My son is doing very well actually. One very gleaming bright light out of all this. Hair has grown back, and is going to school. Maintenance mode means it's in remission. I did let her know about knowing the details, and she admitted it only after that. She continued to deny even after I brought up his name. Counseling is not an option as (at this particular time) we simply cannot afford it. She would be willing to go I'm sure. I'm really not sure what to do. I really want to go to the "Absence makes the heart grow fonder" rout by separating for a bit. I'm just afraid I'd be leading her right to him. However, I'm a very strong person, and will not just roll over and let her get away with it by simply forgiving and forgetting. @RedDress - She said that things have been bumpy for a bit now. But has admitted the err of her ways. Even admitted to a stolen kiss at the tourney. She was pretty emotional today about it all actually. Just not sure if that's because she was busted, or feels genuine remorse over it all. How do I feel? Like a mule kicked me in the stomach. I've never had this sensation before, and have been cheated on in the past (teenage years.. young love.. it happens). The gut wrench is so hard, I can actually feel a pulse where my liver is. Link to comment
LDRohnos Posted October 31, 2011 Share Posted October 31, 2011 There's going to be some hard times ahead for both of you if you want to get through this together. It seems like you want to forgive her but she needs to discover the reason WHY she cheated on you. If she doesn't know she needs to find out, from a professional. If she's not willing to take the steps necessary to figure out what her problem is it WILL happen again. Link to comment
LDRohnos Posted October 31, 2011 Share Posted October 31, 2011 By the way, the fact her sister knew about this and decided to support her cheating and/or not tell you about it is disturbing. Does she come from a broken family? Link to comment
OkSky Posted October 31, 2011 Author Share Posted October 31, 2011 By the way, the fact her sister knew about this and decided to support her cheating and/or not tell you about it is disturbing. Does she come from a broken family? A very astute observation. It is very disturbing because it happened to her. She walked into her ex fiance with another woman. She has a kid with a nowhere-to-be-seen father that I've been acting as the role model for. She's even hounded another family member to break ways with their partner after they were cheated on. Just shows the level of respect I get from this family. And for her to LOL and joke about our situation adds a little salt to the wound. Link to comment
OkSky Posted October 31, 2011 Author Share Posted October 31, 2011 I do know nothing more had happened after due to his response "you should have let me pound it that weekend" (sorry for the graphic nature of that). I do suppose you're right. A kiss is a physical act leading it to be more than emotional. Link to comment
OkSky Posted October 31, 2011 Author Share Posted October 31, 2011 So is pounding. That's not very promising. All you know is that nothing more probably happened on that particular occasion. They live 10 hours apart. I know it hasn't happened.... yet. I also know it would have if I didn't bust it. Link to comment
LDRohnos Posted October 31, 2011 Share Posted October 31, 2011 A very astute observation. It is very disturbing because it happened to her. She walked into her ex fiance with another woman. She has a kid with a nowhere-to-be-seen father that I've been acting as the role model for. She's even hounded another family member to break ways with their partner after they were cheated on. Just shows the level of respect I get from this family. And for her to LOL and joke about our situation adds a little salt to the wound. Personally I think that your wife has exceptionally bad reinforcement from her sister who most likely has a very bad view on relationships. She's probably still in pain from her husband cheating on her to begin with. I would start by first composing yourself as much as possible (you're going to need to be very strong through this) then if you decide that both you and your wife want to sort this all out I'd make an appointment with a professional marriage councilor. There's issues here that I think go much deeper than you might think. The fact that her sister apparently has her ear and her trust might be a VERY big factor in how she thought this was something that was perfectly okay to do. Link to comment
camus154 Posted October 31, 2011 Share Posted October 31, 2011 Personally I think you need to kick her butt to the curb and find someone who's mature enough to know these types of boundaries aren't ones you cross. I realize things happen in marriages and some people can work through them, but this is the most basic of deal breakers to me. Good luck! Link to comment
RedDress Posted November 1, 2011 Share Posted November 1, 2011 Are you religious at all? Where did you get married? Many people overlook churches, synagogues and mosques as places to discuss marital issues. A clergyman's job isn't just to preach... it's to council people. If you are at all religious and also in light of your son's illness, why not turn to this type of person for help and advice? I think it's a bad idea to separate if you want the marriage to work. I know you don't think you can afford a councillor - but can you afford a lawyer and a divorce? Or to support two households? Without knowing where you live, it's hard to discuss community resources where you may be able to get free or cheap councilling. I'm sure it's out there! You just have to find it. Check with your company benefits plans... check community centres and resources... and if all else fails, perhaps it's worth each picking up a few extra hours to hold things together. Usually, I am pretty hard on people who cheat. But grief... intense grief especially concerning a child... this can manifest in many ways that have little to nothing to do with your marriage. Unless this has been a recurring problem in your relationship... it might be worth a shot. At least... in my books, it is. Link to comment
Pinnacle Posted November 1, 2011 Share Posted November 1, 2011 Broski, let me as you a question. Has your wife been displaying loving behavior? Are explicit pictures, hidden meet-up with another man, and coldness all signs of affection towards you? Stress is not an excuse. I'm sorry that you have to deal with illness in the family, but you would think that your own wife would come to you for support rather than go to someone else for it. Now, where do you go from here? Realize that the relationship has gone defunct. You may want to keep it work, but it will be out of civility, for the kids, and family consistency. Well my ole' chum, rock the boat. If someone is toxic to you, then you throw them overboard. Granted it is all much more complicated that that, but if your wife doesn't care then why should you? Link to comment
OkSky Posted November 1, 2011 Author Share Posted November 1, 2011 Are you religious at all? I am not a religious person. I am not against any religion by any means, but when it comes to my beliefs I am not. Right now I feel I need to work on myself before progressing with any decision. I need my confidence back. If she cannot wait for that and continues with this person, a boot to the curb it is. If she does wait (which I have really no way of knowing, unless the signs are there), I will then consider any further recourse. I figured since its 50/50 on the rage to forgiveness ratio with all the advice here, I will do both. Be considerate, AND not roll over. Focus on me, and not her. Not at this point anyway. Link to comment
tyr72 Posted November 1, 2011 Share Posted November 1, 2011 A very astute observation. It is very disturbing because it happened to her. She walked into her ex fiance with another woman. She has a kid with a nowhere-to-be-seen father that I've been acting as the role model for. She's even hounded another family member to break ways with their partner after they were cheated on. Just shows the level of respect I get from this family. And for her to LOL and joke about our situation adds a little salt to the wound. It sounds as if the sister likes seeing others in conflict and turmoil. If this is typical of the respect that you get from your wife's family it begs the question "Is this the level of respect your wife has for you?" How alike would you say the two sisters are? If it weren't for the detail of the content of her texts with her sister I would be inclined to urge you to assess if you think you could work it out with your wife. There is no excusing what your wife has done, but people under emotional stress to the degree you two seem to be do stupid things that they wouldn't otherwise do. However, this is a huge red flag, and indicates that this could be more than just a bad decision based in emotional turmoil. Link to comment
Miss Firecracker Posted November 1, 2011 Share Posted November 1, 2011 I do know nothing more had happened after due to his response "you should have let me pound it that weekend" (sorry for the graphic nature of that). I do suppose you're right. A kiss is a physical act leading it to be more than emotional. That shows a huge lack of respect for her. I can't imagine...she's all over this guy and he talks dirty to her too. She must feel very disrespected. Just a really bad situation all the way around. And she still talks to him after that comment? Link to comment
OkSky Posted November 1, 2011 Author Share Posted November 1, 2011 That shows a huge lack of respect for her. I can't imagine...she's all over this guy and he talks dirty to her too. She must feel very disrespected. Just a really bad situation all the way around. And she still talks to him after that comment? Yes she did. Much to my chagrin. Link to comment
Miss Firecracker Posted November 1, 2011 Share Posted November 1, 2011 Yes she did. Much to my chagrin. I can imagine. Were you shocked that she allowed that? Link to comment
Lester Posted November 1, 2011 Share Posted November 1, 2011 You said, "They were quite explicit. Pictures were shared, plans for meetups were made..." What did some of the messages say? What were the pictures of? How long has this been going on? Can you account for most of her time? Do you think consummation has already occurred? Do you think you love her? Link to comment
OkSky Posted November 1, 2011 Author Share Posted November 1, 2011 You said, "They were quite explicit. Pictures were shared, plans for meetups were made..." What did some of the messages say? What were the pictures of? How long has this been going on? Can you account for most of her time? Do you think consummation has already occurred? Do you think you love her? Well.. I don't really want to share the contents of each message. However, it did include lists of things they wanted done. I caught the picture sharing before it got to any nudity. They were working their way up to it though. It's been going on for a month. Since the hockey tournament. I can account for 99% of her time. She hasn't road tripped since and they do live a good 10 hours apart. No I don't think the consummation already occurred, but am still convinced it would have happened eventually. I don't think I love her. I know I do. Even through something like this, it doesn't just go away. That's why it hurts so much. Link to comment
OkSky Posted November 1, 2011 Author Share Posted November 1, 2011 I can imagine. Were you shocked that she allowed that? Not overly shocked. I mean, we're a pretty passionate couple, and are quite explicit with our flirtations to one another. I am shocked she allowed for any of this to happen though. Link to comment
Lester Posted November 1, 2011 Share Posted November 1, 2011 Okay you love her... that's good but don't expect love to make this go away or get better. As a matter of fact I highly recommend you expect it to get much worse. Sure, you may be lucky and it will just go away… but that’s only a one in million chance. Once the affair(s) “get legs” you will look back on your "rough year” and say that year was like a day in the park. I saved my marriage with the help of two books. (yep, read dozens… most won’t help at this stage.) James Dobson’s “Love must be tough” New hope for marriages in crisis. Gary Smalley’s “If only he knew” Don’t let her see them… ever. PS, rough years are rarely the cause of a failing marriage. Link to comment
Lester Posted November 1, 2011 Share Posted November 1, 2011 The aligned sisters can be bad in more than one way. Sure it could be just a question of taste or immaturity… but I doubt it. Most likely, your wife being sad and unhappy for years needed someone to confide in. After years of secretly confiding in her, she found it’ just not helping and upped the stakes. (Very bad for you and kids.) In other words your wife and sister in law hate you because you are a jerk. Link to comment
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