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The green eyed monster is making me blind. How to deal with it?

Joyce Kim

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I am a young 19 years old girl, a Pisces, who is 'considered' extremely beautiful, intelligent and mature above her age by the people she is surrounded by. I have been in a long distant relationship from an year, with an Aries boy who is 25 years old. Everything is going great, he is the most loving, sincere, educated and professional boy I have ever seen. We have committed to each other, and planning to get married when I finish my college education. He is ready to wait for me for as much time as I ask him to. He is very caring, and treats me the way I want to be treated. We are both from strict religious families, so we cannot think of being together before marriage, and do not even talk about any 'adult' stuff in our relationship. It is kind of a pure caring and understanding type relationship. With all being so good, my mind wont let me leave him. The problem is my jealousy. From the beginning of our friendship, he always told me that he had never fallen in love, only been infatuated. In an year long relationship, while talking one day, when I was telling him about my crushes and all, he told me that he also had a strong crush on a girl who used to study with him when he was 18 years old, and he didn't approach her because he knew that he wont be able to have a future with her because she was from a different religious background. I don't know why, I got very emotional and told him that I wont marry him because I want to become someone's first love etc, he said that I am surely his first love, his first commitment but he has been infatuated before and that I will never find a guy who has never been attracted to someone in his life, and he also said that it doesn't matter, it was just an attraction, and he wasn't reacting emotional at all, in fact he became more loving towards me after that. I didn't repeat about that again, and nor did he. Now its 5th month going on, since the first and last time he told me about his teenage infatuation, I cannot get over this fact that he was attracted to someone else before me. Everyday I do think about that girl, if she was better than me, if he liked her more than me since it was his teenage, more emotional phase, if he wanted her and i am just a second option or an extra piece etc. From the last 5 months, I have cried around 20+ times, for this reason. And everytime I cry, it is extremely painful. I feel like someone is hitting my heart, or cutting it with knife, my hands and feet even start to get cold when I feel jealous and I start feeling nauseous. I am the type of person, who NEVER cries in front of anyone, no matter what happens, but today, when I was discussing about this topic with my sister, while saying that, I started to cry loudly and was almost shouting that why I am not his first attraction. I feel the worst pain when I am jealous. I even tried to break up with him few times, he doesn't know that this is the main reason, but I leave him. He just told me ONCE about her, in almost the whole year, and that too telling about his attractions, but he didn't tell about anyone else, but he said that don't be bothered about it dear, it was just an attraction, anyone can get attracted to anyone even on the road, and he said that I am attracted to Kate Wins let also, are you jealous again? What I feel is that the problem is not external, as much as it is internal. It will be very hard to find a boy who has never been attracted to anyone, that's why I decided not to leave him. I don't know how to deal with it. He is a virgin, never even hugged( just formal hugs) or kissed any girl, I am also a virgin. But I am experiencing this worst jealousy that has made me cry LOT of times and is a continuous heartache for me, wherever I go, whatever I do. During these 5 months, I even went for a vacation to Switzerland, just to divert my mind, but even after seeing the most beautiful things, my inner-self was damaged with jealousy and I couldn't stop thinking about her there too. What should I do?

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Ok, calm down. This seems to be a bit over dramatic and not something you have thought about with your mind as opposed to your heart. In no situation i have ever heard of in my life can you expect an

18 year old boy not to have been attracted/infatuated with another girl at some point in his life...its just not reasonable (Same goes for a 18 year old girl). So putting this type of jealousy into a realtionship is very unhealthy and doesnt solve anything, especially when he tells you he loves you/ wants to marry you and wants only you. Now if he told you he still had feelings for her or he was trying to contact her thats another situation...but not the situation here. And you dont want to end up pushing him away with all these upset feeling you have that arent really founded. And lets say for arguments sake this relationship doesnt work out, chances of finding anyone in the world at that age that hasnt had some sort of feelings for someone else is nill to none.


So calm down, breath out... stop crying its all going to be ok. As long as you both have true love for only each other let the past be the past!!! becasue face it everyone has one

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You're quite right--you are never going to find someone who has never been attracted to anyone else before. Having tirades over not being someone's "first attraction" is, in my mind, extremely spoiled behavior.


exactly my point

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Lol awww so funny lol lol lol You are really young. I am SUPER JEALOUS TOO! That part of U won't change. My mom is that way that's prob how I picked it up

But anyway the poor guy didn't even know you yet, haha....that is something U will have to get over

But it's kinda hilarious too..............you're like me.............I get jealous easily too hehe...that hasn't changed

I STILL REMEMBER stuff about people I dated in the past...


Like the guy I crushed on from 5-20 I remember being jealous because he never liked me and he liked some chics he went to summer camp with. i can remember their NAMES lol

I remember being in his bedroom with his sister and finding a love letter some girl gave him in high school and being all broken hearted about it

Then I can remember 2 bf's I had briefly where they both cheated on me cuz I wouldn't give up my virginity...it was so lame but one cheated on me with some dame that worked at boston market lol and the other some stripper/ escort girl bahahahaha............she wasn't even HOT she had long hair and was skinny but i remember she came into the place where we worked and had a hairy belly button and it was DISGUSTING and a huge turn off and even as a virgin i was totally grossed out adn didn't know how a man could get with that


My first real LTR we were both virgins too and I remember getting SO jealous because he said he thought some car model was hot with a thong bikini on and how he noticed her. SO SEE? We are just jealous girls and we don't get over lame stuff easily

I pretty much can name off every girl an ex has been with or liked, every actress he crushed on....

Like the first guy his crush was Kelly from Saved by the Bell haha....

My dh his crush was Jessica Alba....


It sucks being jealous huh! I always wish I was the kind of girl who didn't care! It seems like guys are more clingy to you if you pretend you don't care!

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I'm more worried about the, we "do not even talk about any 'adult' stuff in our relationship" part of your post.


This situation is what's called "adult stuff".


There will be plenty more like it, plenty more to come....like when you find out he looks at porn to get his rocks off (I have a feeling you would react along the lines of "am I not enough?", "if he loves me, he shouldn't look at porn", etc). Or when you catch him looking at another woman as you're walking down the street (is she more attractive than me? what does he see in her that I don't have?). Or when you talk to each other about your evenings and you find out that he went to a party and hung around his friends, who are mostly girls (why am I not enough?).


You have to remember...there are some things that are only in your mind. If he never acts on them, they shouldn't be held against him (not talking emotional cheating here, just some harmless fantasy)! I just hope you don't perscribe to the "if you even think about another girl, you're cheating" frame of mind...because if that's the case, you're boyfriend will likely find out rather quickly, and each time you'll ask, he'll say nothing to you (to keep you happy and keep the peace) and keep it all inside....where it can start building resentment.


All this "adult" stuff is where you step outside of the fantasy and step into reality. You might have a certain vision of what your relationship should be like...but that's just a fantasy. You have to step out of what you think/dream your relationship will be like. You will be sharing your life with another imperfect human being. And being imperfect means that there will be road blocks. The survivability of your relationship will directly relate to both of your propensity to tackle problems head on.


If you can't handle this jealousy...you need to spend a LOT of time working on this problem of yours, and grow up. Because it's not his fault that you're jealous (but you might deflect saying "if he isn't attracted to anyone, I wouldn't be jealous"). This is your problem...and hopefully you won't let it destroy what can become a great relationship. Take a handle on these thoughts...most of it is from your own creation (from being apart and over thinking his every words and actions and then directly linking it to the worse possible scenario).


For your future. Get it done!


Little note: If you can find one man who has never been attracted to any woman...he's probably gay.

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... one day, when I was telling him about my crushes and all ...


You're quite right--you are never going to find someone who has never been attracted to anyone else before. Having tirades over not being someone's "first attraction" is, in my mind, extremely spoiled behavior.


Especially since she brought it up in the first place.

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Pretty much going to echo what Capilot said - how is it ok for you to talk about your crushes and attractions to other men, but if your boyfriend talks about someone he crushed on SEVEN YEARS AGO [6 years before you started dating] you lose it on him to the point where you tell him you won't marry him?


I would get that in check before he runs the other way in fear that he isn't allowed to open up to you. Very unreasonable - I could understand being upset if this was an ongoing crush that he had never explored and she was still in his life, but come on... This was a girl he studied with 7 years ago when he was 18. I would actually be a little more worried if he had never had any attractions or crushes on other women in his life before he met you.


5 months later it is time to move on, put it behind you, and be glad he is still with you and willing to be honest.

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  • 4 weeks later...
while talking one day, when I was telling him about my crushes and all, he told me that he also had a strong crush on a girl ...


Well, weren't you telling him "about your crushes and all" firstly? And so it seems he wasn't your first - like you wanted to be his, either.


You made it look like it was safe to chat about these things because you began openly sharing them, and when he merely reciprocated he gets "punished" for it.


I know this is not your intent - you just feel very jealous. But you are punishing yourself over this also... So, two people.


Think more deeply about what makes you feel so insecure about him having a past in terms of wanting to connect with someone romantically. You have, and yet you still only want to be with him right now, true? Well why can't it be the same for him?


You have to find a way to resolve this within your own self (do not stress him anymore over the matter) & let it go....

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