I was dumper, cant forget him - is it normal

[saraflem]

Hi All,

 

I was in a 9.5 year relationship that wasn't right when I thought about it "deep down". We got along brilliantly and were quite happy on the exterior. But there were some fundamental issues of trust (no matter how hard I tried I couldn't 100% trust him due to him cheating on me a year into our relationship and "rumours" from an apparently trustworthy source (Girlfriend of his best friend) that he had sex with other people). We met when we were 19 and these issues happened in the first five years. I think he grew up a lot in the second part of our relationship and really settled down. But he never had my full trust and I would always maintain a small barrier so as not all of my feelings were given to him. We also had some sexual incompatabilities which resulted in me never wanting the sexual side of our relationship. The saying that I loved him but was not in love with him definitely applied in this case.

 

In 2009 we had a rough patch and this resulted in me kissing someone else who I had known for a few years. I thought that at this stage it was time to end the relationship - if you are desiring other people it should ring warning bells!!! I think part of it was a "pay back" as I knew that he had done these kind of things to me. We managed to have a big talk about our relationship (he did not know about my infedility) and decided to have a fresh start in a new city and we got engaged. I was happy then as I realised we have been through a lot and we were (in parts) compatible and wanted similar life goals etc.

 

However the growing niggle that we weren't meant to be together got bigger and bigger and there were some actions by him that were inexusable - I told him that I was not happy with his behaviour but I dont think he realised how serious I was and unhappy I was. The growing realisation that I didnt love him and didnt want to be with him kept getting bigger and bigger and the fundamental issues (no trust, no sexual desire, no love) seemed to me to be the right reasons to end it. The fact that we were best friends was not enough. I am certain I made the right decision............ I ended it 8 months ago and we have not seen each other for about 4 months.

 

However I cant forget him - recently everything that I see reminds me of him - I go into Starbucks and remember his order, I go into the supermarket and see the things he used to buy, I went to IKEA and had such vivid memories of being there with him. I have stories that I hear that I think about telling him, I just keep thinkingabout him. I also keep hoping he is happy and wonder what he is doing now (no FBook contact or anything so not sure what he is doing). I would love to e.g. go to our favourite restaurant one more time or something similar - I dont feel any romantic loss or longing for him - I just miss his company so much and miss the things we did together that we no longer do. I have started dating and see so clearly that the "romantic" side was definitely wrong in our relationship - I just miss our friendship so so so much - is it normal??

[journeynow]

Yes, I think it's quite normal. It takes time to build new memories. When you notice those memories, just take note, then make it a practice to notice new things, and don't let the memories trigger sadness or pain, or if they do, don't latch on with story about him in your mind. It helped me to see everything as an experiment—to pay attention to thoughts and the impact they had on my feelings and state of mind. It they took a downturn I knew I could throw out that experiment and choose another. Thoughts are infinite, and we are free to choose another at any time. It's not about avoiding emotions, but choosing which thoughts that help healing. You can watch your thoughts as they flow by, but you don't need to grab onto any one thought or idea and hang onto it, just let it flow by and be open to a new and better thought.

 

Another practice, when I would have those memories I would tell myself "Next!", acknowledging that I am willing to move on and create new happy memories.

[sidehop]

We also had some sexual incompatabilities which resulted in me never wanting the sexual side of our relationship. The saying that I loved him but was not in love with him definitely applied in this case.

 

Aside from you not being able to trust him completely, do you think such incompatibility added a lot of emotional distrust within yourself as well? It could be that you had such emotional barriers before meeting him that his actions (if it was true) only reinforced the behavior not allowing you to fully open up and trust him.

 

Such long relationship I'm sure is very difficult to just forget and move on. You are trying to build a new life after spending good amount of time with someone you worked so hard together. So it's completely normal when couples break up mutually and try to go in different directions.

 

If you also feel this sexual incompatibility wasn't limited with your ex, I would also look into see if it's causing other anxiety or difficulty opening up emotionally.

[offplanet]

That seems very normal, seeing as you were together 9.5 years. You would have been extremely attached to him, even though there were some qualities lacking, and even though it was right to break up. There can be intense attachment without romantic love. In life everything is not clear cut and black or white, like, if I don't love this person romantically, I should not miss him.

[Thorshammer]

To relate to my story, to maybe see through the eyes of a man who didnt desire his ex so much sexually... as well as to why I did.

 

I had sexual issues with my ex, this stems from her constant complaining. Its hard to see your girl as sexy when shes complaining that she wants to go to the park, and I am trying to tell her that my feet are tired from work, then all of a sudden it breaks down to me not liking her and that I dont kiss her enough??? Sexual chemistry was being flushed down the toilet with this. Oddly enough, when we didnt fight, and she would cook for me, or just be nice and happy, I would get excited. Its like, bring my self-esteem down, then I dont want to touch you, the ugly dumb stinky man isnt feeling happy, the sex will feel forced and fake. I didnt want to please her, i would rather imagine having sex with shakira than actually physically get active with my girlfriend (I never cheated on her).

 

My BU i believe had to do a lot with the sex. She loved sex (but honestly, she wasnt really that good at it, but i loved her to bits), and she was in a lot of open-type relationships before me, so BOTH of us not only had to deal with the sexual chemistry dropping, but we were also very inexperienced in keeping a sexual lifestyle healthy in a long term relationship.

 

I also felt that she might have kissed, or done something with a guy before break up. It would make sense with her sudden guilt and paranoia after coming back from miami and wanting to break up. I told her, leave me before you cheat, if you feel like you have it in you to cheat, then leave before you do it, respect my legacy in your life, dont blemish my existence like that. If she did cheat, or wanted to, I really hoped she would have been honest and told me. I cant say for sure I would be cool with it, but it would have been a lot easier to forget her and move on when i needed it.

[preoccupied]

Thorshammer: I thought a similar way to you and I love your line of "if you feel like you have it in you to cheat, then leave before you do it, respect my legacy in your life, dont blemish my existence like that".

 

I was breaking up with my ex bf for a number of reasons - but then found out towards the end he has cheated. I only found this out on Wed and the bomb it has dropped off within me is enormous!! Last week I would have thought like you "if he cheats it will be easier to get over him"... this week I am not enjoying the emotional rollercoaster at all! At least before I knew about his cheating I had set my course to sail and was following it firmly and calmly. Now I am just flailing about in a storm hoping my navigation equipment will begin to work again REALLY soon so I can get on with healing - but it sure isn't making anything easier with moving on now I know this.