Gerda Posted October 31, 2011 Share Posted October 31, 2011 When we were "together" I was a fat, cigarette-smoking pothead who played video games full time. Since we parted ways I've lost weight, quit smoking both cigarettes and pot, stopped gaming, improved my diet tremendously, and I am now actively pursuing my lifelong dreams more earnestly than I ever did in the entire rest of my life. I've FINALLY gotten back involved in my church--a goal of mine years in the making. Since we split my two biggest prayers have been answered--things I'd been praying for for years and years (one of them five years, the other at least 20 years), things I wanted but didn't think would EVER happen. And they did!--after this guy got out of my life. That guy made me cry probably every single one of the 52 or so weeks we were together, without fail. Nobody in my life has ever caused me so much pain and sorrow. He was a terrible influence on me, an awful friend, a liar....If he came back crawling on his hands and knees I'd be an idiot to take him back. AND YET IT STILL HURTS TO THINK OF HIM WITH HER. I hate this. It's very embarrassing to me, very humiliating to have the great life I have now and still apparently be hung up on somebody when I don't think I hardly ever cross HIS mind any more. My life is better than his! My life is better than hers! So why am I the one trolling THEIR Facebook pages and getting all depressed that they are still together? Why do I feel like the BIG LOSER in this situation? These emotions seem to prove to me that my life is NOT better, that I am just fooling myself with all this talk of my "great life." Am I really so pathetic that the only thing that apparently matters to me is whether some lying schlub prefers me to other girls? I honestly worry for the girl he is with now, because I know the truth about him--she is basically Gerda 2.0, a new girl for him to mislead and hurt. I know that he is telling her the exact same things he was telling me a year ago, because it's right there in front of me on her FB page. She probably feels special the way I did! There is no reason to believe he will do anything other than what he did to me--I'm starting to wonder if I was some other chick's "2.0," because now that I reflect at the beginning of our relationship, I can see a strong resemblance to the way he started his relationship with this new girl. AND YET I'M JEALOUS OF HER? This just doesn't make sense to me. I keep finding myself wanting to "show them" that I'm the one who came out on top here. And yet every time I start thinking that way I have to cringe--they sure aren't thinking about me, I must be completely in denial. I want to use my anger, hurt and indignation to motivate myself to continue to improve my life more and more, yet I feel that it's humiliating to base anything in my life on them. Is it? It's just feels like nothing else motivates me as much. I feel like it's worth being a big jealous stupidhead if it helps me to achieve my dreams--is it?? Link to comment
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