My life is better without him, so why do I still feel jealous and sad?

[Gerda]

When we were "together" I was a fat, cigarette-smoking pothead who played video games full time. Since we parted ways I've lost weight, quit smoking both cigarettes and pot, stopped gaming, improved my diet tremendously, and I am now actively pursuing my lifelong dreams more earnestly than I ever did in the entire rest of my life. I've FINALLY gotten back involved in my church--a goal of mine years in the making. Since we split my two biggest prayers have been answered--things I'd been praying for for years and years (one of them five years, the other at least 20 years), things I wanted but didn't think would EVER happen. And they did!--after this guy got out of my life. That guy made me cry probably every single one of the 52 or so weeks we were together, without fail. Nobody in my life has ever caused me so much pain and sorrow. He was a terrible influence on me, an awful friend, a liar....If he came back crawling on his hands and knees I'd be an idiot to take him back.

 

AND YET IT STILL HURTS TO THINK OF HIM WITH HER. I hate this. It's very embarrassing to me, very humiliating to have the great life I have now and still apparently be hung up on somebody when I don't think I hardly ever cross HIS mind any more. My life is better than his! My life is better than hers! So why am I the one trolling THEIR Facebook pages and getting all depressed that they are still together? Why do I feel like the BIG LOSER in this situation? These emotions seem to prove to me that my life is NOT better, that I am just fooling myself with all this talk of my "great life."

 

Am I really so pathetic that the only thing that apparently matters to me is whether some lying schlub prefers me to other girls? I honestly worry for the girl he is with now, because I know the truth about him--she is basically Gerda 2.0, a new girl for him to mislead and hurt. I know that he is telling her the exact same things he was telling me a year ago, because it's right there in front of me on her FB page. She probably feels special the way I did! There is no reason to believe he will do anything other than what he did to me--I'm starting to wonder if I was some other chick's "2.0," because now that I reflect at the beginning of our relationship, I can see a strong resemblance to the way he started his relationship with this new girl. AND YET I'M JEALOUS OF HER?

 

This just doesn't make sense to me. I keep finding myself wanting to "show them" that I'm the one who came out on top here. And yet every time I start thinking that way I have to cringe--they sure aren't thinking about me, I must be completely in denial. I want to use my anger, hurt and indignation to motivate myself to continue to improve my life more and more, yet I feel that it's humiliating to base anything in my life on them. Is it? It's just feels like nothing else motivates me as much. I feel like it's worth being a big jealous stupidhead if it helps me to achieve my dreams--is it??

[offplanet]

It's terribly important to some (most?) people, including myself, not to get rejected, and it doesn't even matter by who. Being rejected is a terrible trauma to the human psyche, it seems. It goes way back to basics in childhood I guess. To sensitive people it feels even worse and hits harder and deeper. So it's not stupid to still be hung up on him and his new gf, well, it is in a way of course, but it's understandable. I don't really know how you can get over feeling that way. Hopefully others can advise you better. But feeling like you're the loser isnt the true indication of the way things stand now, that you're obviously amazingly better off than you were (well done, btw). I think that being dumped causes such emotional trauma that even though you can know rationally that you're better off without someone, it still feels like nothing can fix the trauma except that person wanting you back, to kind of reverse the rejection. I feel that is what's behind your obsessing over them. I read about a guy who coaches other guys about how to get women. One of the strategies is to pay attention to a woman, and then withdraw that attention and even insult her. No matter if the woman couldn't stand the guy, she can't bear him withdrawing the attention and will do anything to get it back, hence the guy ends up getting the woman. See what I mean? We just hate being rejected. I hope that if you could reason this way you might be able to feel differently about those two people who are certainly not doing as well as you are.

[farahnaz783]

all the guys are like same nature they don,t care of gals feelings so don,t sad

[Liraele]

I saw your link in another thread. Are you doing better, now?

 

That guy made me cry probably every single one of the 52 or so weeks we were together, without fail. Nobody in my life has ever caused me so much pain and sorrow. He was a terrible influence on me, an awful friend, a liar....If he came back crawling on his hands and knees I'd be an idiot to take him back.

 

Ugh.

[JA0371]

Hi Gerda....first of all, congrats on making so many positive changes in your life. That's awesome. As for why you feel this way..it comes down to pride and ago. Being rejected SUCKS!!!!!! Especially being rejected by someone who in YOUR eyes, never deserved you in the first place. I think what you're feeling is very normal. Just keep your head up and know you are better off. Please PM me if you need to.

[KYRiverGrl]

I was dumped for a mutual friend, and I also know I'm better off w/o the ex, still I am so jealous of her that sometimes I can pop. Rejection for another stings no matter who does it, and the jealousy that ensues is quite normal. My life has improved in many ways since having him out of my life (although I have been very depressed over the past couple of weeks). It's awesome what you have done since breaking up with that loser -- keep up the good work

[Gerda]

First off, thank you to offplanet, your post made me feel better but I didn't reply b/c didn't want to be bumping my own thread.

 

I saw your link in another thread. Are you doing better, now?

Oh no, right when everybody is congratulating me I have to confess--I've regressed, not doing as well as I was when I started this thread. I started smoking pot again and started gaming again. Meanwhile THEY appear to have STOPPED the gaming (which is how we all met.) So...the tables have turned. Guess I got too cocky.

 

However, I have seen some glimmerings of hope recently. I think their relationship is in trouble. I know we aren't supposed to get happy about stuff like that--BUT I AM. Of course, the last time I thought their relationship was in trouble, it was actually going really well and I was just thinking extremely wishfully. Even if they don't split, just knowing they are having trouble is making me feel better. I'd formed this image in my head of their perfect relationship, but I've seen some stuff lately (on her page) that really brought my confidence back with a swoop--she's not perfect, far from it. I know nobody is, but it can REALLY feel that way when somebody leaves you for another. She had some * * * * ty picture on her FB page which he was notably silent over (he'd previously "liked" all her pics and made sweet comments) which was up for a couple weeks during which there was dead silence between them and then it mysteriously disappeared overnight--either because he finally put his foot down and told her to stop being sleazy or because her parents told her it was inappropriate, in any case, somebody pointed out to her how inappropriate it was. I'm pretty sure he did something to make her mad and she's trying to make him jealous. And so now I know...the seeds of discontent have been sown, it's only a matter of time. I just didn't want to believe that with me he was just full of crap, filling my ears with sweet nothings and meaning none of it, and then with her he is legitimately in love and all his sweet words are true. It made me feel like, "Wait a minute...why did I get the hamburger patty while she gets the filet mignon (figuratively speaking)? What's wrong with me? Obviously I am deficient in some way, otherwise why would he treat her better?" Normally I believe "people don't change," and they are surprisingly consistent in their actions--in other words, he was going to be treating her just like he treated me, INCLUDING the msitreatment at the end. But up until recently, it didn't look that way--that's probably how a lot of us "dumpees" feel.

 

I sound obsessive and weird, but it's just that I REALLY want to believe there is some justice in this world, that nice people don't just get walked over, that God doesn't reward people for doing bad things, that life is somewhat FAIR. It's starting to feel like it IS, at least a little. Justice can take a long time.

 

Thank you for the kind words and encouragement, I will use it to get myself "back on the wagon" regarding the weed and the video games.