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I'm not sure if I can be friends with him anymore...


eternalsunrise

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I need some advice guys...I feel really bothered about something but not sure what to do or if I should do anything at all. This post is about my X husband.

 

I've been in 3 relationships total and I'm 34 years old. My first real relationship, I got married to "Chris" at a terribly young age (19--I know, it's nuts!). We were together for about 5 years. We divorced amicably and went our separate ways. - The reason was primarily because I wanted to have children and he pretty much said he was not going to ever have another child. Yes he had a baby with his Ex right before I met him. (I was the absolute best stepmom to his baby, by the way!) I was resilient, afterall I was only about 25, and ready to find the man of my dreams, someone who would have a family with me, too.

 

Well, let me speed this up...three years later after I got cheated on and dumped by who I thought was the love of my life, I contacted my X-husband. I don't know, I think I needed to figure out about myself like what was wrong with me. I took getting cheated on far worse than the mere stigma of getting a divorce. I was so incredibly heartbroken. Devastated is more like it. I think I had a mental breakdown. I have never loved anyone the way I loved "Mark".

 

Ever since then...I've considered my X husband Chris a true friend...he and I have talked a lot over the years since I contacted him after my breakup with Mark who cheated on me. We don't talk all the time or consistently, but we at least seem to say hi a few times every six months or so.

 

Meanwhile Chris got married and was married for a few years. He did confide in me towards the end of their marriage that they were going to get a divorce. I was stunned really. I thought him tying the knot again meant he was pretty sure about her. I know for me, I err on the side of skepticism about getting married again (don't get me wrong, I want it so much but I'm sooo cautious). Anyway, so the reason for their divorce was again he didn't want to have any more kids. She did. Well, she accidentally got pregnant and it was right after he got the courage to file for divorce.

 

When he originally told me this I admit, I was shocked considering one of the reasons he didn't want to have kids with me is because he was scared it would screw up his child's life, that his child was already sensitive and having another child might make her feel left out. He also feared that something would happen to he and I and he would have 2 kids not in their nuclear family. I think he created a self-fulfilling prophecy.

 

He ended up having the child and still got a divorce. Just unbelievable the whole thing. I managed to stay way far at a friendly distance of course. It's been about a year since he's been divorced. We've talked maybe twice. Well then he called me the other day and we talked for a while. Then I sensed he was flirting with me or something. It was weird considering I barely even remember any feelings like that about him. I don't feel anything other than friendship with him. I feel like he disrespected the friendship boundary by flirting with me. And after all we'd been through, the entire reason we got a divorce to begin with...does he think that he can try to get back together with me NOW?

 

I can't believe how much he screwed up by getting a divorce *again* and on top of that, he had a child. So his worst nightmare came true afterall. I just want to yell at him, you made your bed now lie in it! I admit I'm angry. I felt nothing really until that moment when he flirted with me. How dare him. Ughh, what an awful feeling it gave me... I felt like our friendship was in vain. Flirting with me was like taking a knife and stabbing me right in the heart. Like he thought so little of me that he would do that however aware he was about it. He should know that would be a really bad move.

 

When I was so young, 24ish years old, I could have started a family and never been a "divorced woman". But here I am, divorced, 34, no husband, no kids. I really can't believe it. It makes me really sad that I didn't make it. It's not too late is it? Ughh, I know it's not. I do I really do. It will be okay.

 

But seriously, talk about depression! Did my X husband really just flirt with me...sloppy 3rds, huh? I don't think so. It made me start doubting my integrity to have even remained friends or something. I don't know. He's not normally like that. But he just about ruined our friendship. That's what I'm wondering, I think it may be time to not have that every six months friendly hello phone call with him anymore. I just feel like dirt now about it. I'm also embarrassed that I have this post here ...I feel like such a loser. Do you think I should never talk to him again? I feel like maybe there is a huge step of personal growth that I need to go through by closing that door forever....even though we were just friends. What do you think?

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No, its not too late to have a family. But you have to do some healing and get straight with yourself. That is really sad that Chris wouldn't welcome another child even when one came. And now this child feels unwelcome. I think this solidified the idea that Chris does not want another child and its not a matter of him growing up. I think that you need to stop thinking about what your ex is doing. he is always a part of your history, but you don't need him to be the measure at how your life is going. I am divorced too and never thought I would be divorced and childless at this age but it gets better. If you can take time for yourself and do what matters to you, you can meet someone, but make sure the guy is on the same page as you going into it. I think that if your ex is flirting with you, I would be careful and tell him that you don't want that. You loved his child and feel terrible about what has happened to her. But you want someone who wants another child - you want to give birth. I think if at this point I met someone who had a child, i might be okay with not having one of my own if the child was younger and I was allowed to be a stepmom - though i do want to be pregnant and have a child, i might be okay with helping raise a young person and having that relationship instead. But i can see where at 25 you were not satisfied with that.

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Thanks for your reply.

I do not have any interest in getting back together with Chris. I never have since the day of the divorce 10 years ago. My anger is that he would have the nerve to flirt with me and ruin our friendship. He should know that he shouldn't dare even think for a second I would get back together with him especially now, like I'm going to be a stepmom of 2 kids and not be able to have my own. Gimme a break. My respect for him dropped 10 fold. We were able to be friends for so long because it was totally platonic, no funny business. Now I am cringing, but I should just laugh it off.

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No, don't just laugh it off. You feel terribly uncomfortable about him now, and that's a good reason to cease having the regular friendly chats with him. There's no reason why you should have any contact with him if you don't feel comfortable now. Why have any involvement with him when you have no reason to, and when his 'flirting' has caused you such stress. You don't owe him friendship. It'd be better to make a clean break now. That's what your 'gut' seems to be telling you.

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He just went through another divorce. His self-esteem in that department is at an all time low. I'm thinking he was flirting with you to feel better, to increase his self-esteem. We all do things without thinking when we're in pain. I'd give him the benefit of the doubt rather than chew him out.

 

You should talk to him about how flirting with you crossed the line and put a firm "No" in any possiblity of getting back together...but I dunno...the fact that you are so angry at his innocent flirting and you still resent him for not wanting kids (even more resentment since he did have another one, albeit accidently) leads me to believe that something else is brewing in the background.

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No, don't just laugh it off. You feel terribly uncomfortable about him now, and that's a good reason to cease having the regular friendly chats with him. There's no reason why you should have any contact with him if you don't feel comfortable now. Why have any involvement with him when you have no reason to, and when his 'flirting' has caused you such stress. You don't owe him friendship. It'd be better to make a clean break now. That's what your 'gut' seems to be telling you.

 

Yes I think that's what I'm going to have to do, just drift off and not talk with him again.

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He just went through another divorce. His self-esteem in that department is at an all time low. I'm thinking he was flirting with you to feel better, to increase his self-esteem. We all do things without thinking when we're in pain. I'd give him the benefit of the doubt rather than chew him out.

 

You should talk to him about how flirting with you crossed the line and put a firm "No" in any possiblity of getting back together...but I dunno...the fact that you are so angry at his innocent flirting and you still resent him for not wanting kids (even more resentment since he did have another one, albeit accidently) leads me to believe that something else is brewing in the background.

 

I tried to cut him some slack due to what he's facing in his life now. I even acted like I didn't notice when he flirted with me. But I'm not interested in having that dynamic there where I had to deal with the flirting and these angry emotions. I'm the last girl on earth he should have turned towards for some type of rebound relationship attention. I believe the friendship is over now.

 

I think my resentment towards him is more just like a wow, so he wouldn't have kids with me, someone who adored his baby and was so good and loyal to him, but he gave a child to two of his Ex's who he claims he hates. The wife after me totally hated his kid and their divorce stemmed from that too. He has serious moral problems. I'm glad I didn't have a child with that man. In that sense, I'm glad I am still here with a clean slate.

 

Thanks for listening.. I just want to process my emotions about this and where I'm at in my life and move forward. Nice girls finish last maybe and when they do it's way better than what the ones before got. I'm still believing that I can still have a family one day.

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Does he know that he crossed the line by flirting with you? Or did you ingore/grin and take it until he left? Before putting an X on your friendship with him, I'd sit him down and tell him straight out what he's doing is wrong and making you uncomfortable. If he keeps doing it afterwards, drop him like dead weight.

 

Course, this is assuming you want to have a friendship with him...which to me, seems like you don't. But if the reason you don't is solely because of the flirting, I'd rather you confront it with him than use it as an excuse and then wonder about it as you regret ending the friendship. If it's an accumulation of things throughout the years and the flirting was the last drop, you are totally in your right to end it.

 

Also, he didn't want kids. It's not that he didn't want to have them with you. He didn't want any more kids, period. His decision is not a reflection of you or your mothering skills. It's all on him and his wants. Don't take it personally!

 

And his last child being an "accident" after he filed for divorce makes me a skeptic (women have done far worse then getting pregnant to keep a man). I wouldn't totally blame him for this (but he does party shoulder it)...although a man who doesn't want any more kids should get a vasectomy. You should talk to him about such a procedure.

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It's sort of an accumulation of things. He needed a listening ear when he was looking into filing a divorce. They had already separated and supposedly weren't even sleeping together. My advice to him was that he needed to choose a route and be in it 100% such as 1. stay with her and bless the poor girl with a child or 2. divorce and go separate ways, no child. He totally agreed with me. He filed for divorce, telling me he was sure he didn't want to have kids with her. By that time, he was open to the thought of having a nother child, but definitely not with her. So what happens? She mysteriously gets pregnant. And they still get a divorce. Back then I realized woa I need to get out of listening to this situation. He and I didn't even talk at all for another 6 months. By the time we talked again, the woman had moved out with the child. Now he's on the same ol' every other weekend schedule with this new child that he was on when I met him with his baby back then. Okay, so I was already disgusted with him for the choices he made, just as a friend. The flirting with me was the last straw. He's totally lost his mind.

It's amazing where the choices in life lead us. I don't know, I kinda feel like I have bad karma or something for even remaining friends with him.

I should have wiped my slate totally clean and not called him when Mark cheated on me. So, I guess in a sense I used him for a listening ear back then but I surely never flirted with him.

I'm trying to right all the wrongs in my life, and I think I need to break this tie with him. I should not be comparing my life now to anything that happened back then. He's off in some parallel world where karma served him.

I just need to stop thinking about this garbage. Blah

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