Rebound is history and I want him back!

[BeForMe]

Okay so for a quick history read my previous thread, or put up with me rehashing briefly...

 

He and I dated for 10 months.

8/24/2011 BU talk.

9/6/2011 - (yep 2 weeks later, he goes public on Facebook with a new girl 13 years younger as "being in a relationship")

10/28/2011 - goes back to "single" on facebook.

 

I did everything you should not do - texted too much, emailed him, defriended him on Facebook and then refriended him, disssed his new "girlfriend" (seriously insulted her to him many times) and I did not go completely no contact for more than 10 days or so. We had limited contact, but he would see me occasionally and we would chat then and also text/email/call briefly on occasion. We never had any ugly confrontations and have always actually been respectful toward each other in person and spoken kindly of each other to others. The breakup was both of our faults and I do believe he bounced to the next warm body that showed interest because he was hurting so much and also perhaps to see if the grass was greener... it wasn't.

 

Now, initially I wanted him back, then after all the evidence, advice and self-help books I decided I should move on. So I was working on healing myself deciding "he can be in my life as a friend, but my true love is waiting for me to get over him and he is on his way to me"...stuff like that.

 

Then one day, a couple of weeks ago, I dug my heels in and realized that No!, I actually want him back!! I am 40 years old and I know a good thing when I see it. I love him very much and we have so much positive love and energy between us that went to waste over stupid stuff. So I made it my goal to get him back in my life and I am going to work toward it! Any help with this is appreciated!!!

 

I did a plethora of things, some subtle and some not-so-subtle, to move towards this goal. Anyway, I started to hear and started to sense that his relationship with his rebound is souring. (we frequent the same bar and have many mutual friends, so I saw them together quite a few times, although I never met her). what could a 37 year old father of 2 kids and 3 stepkids and a 23 year old have in common anyway?

 

I won't bore you with my moves, but let's just say they involved: my looking my very best when I saw him, acting aloof and fun and like I had moved on, pulling a very minor jealousy card, letting him know through email that I was over the breakup and dating again and I hoped we could be friends, using the Law of Attraction. etc etc. I sensed that he was starting to feel attracted to me again about three weeks ago. This was a HUGE shift in the power dynamic between us and I felt it and knew it. Two weeks later, he and his rebound are toast. (so for those counting, it lasted 2 months but soured after 6 weeks (shocking!). Kind of textbook apparently, although I thought it was never going to end to be honest!). Since then, he has initiated contact again - very slowly and subtly (texts, inviting me to a friends house to hang out, facebook posts, asking me to play games against each other online etc.).

 

Now I know that people are going to say: "where's your self-esteem girl? you don't want to be fall-back, rebound girl!?" Trust me, I do have some. But I DO want him back and I am willing to forgive him this girl and to see the forest from the trees. He willl have to work for me, don't get me wrong.... but my question is really - how do I play my hand right now? I do not want to say "wanna get back together honey?" I never even said that during our break up talk - I accepted the inevitable and KNEW that we needed a serious reboot if we were ever going to work anyway. I have a lot of pride (believe it or not) and would never beg or plead for anybody to be with me.

 

So right now he is single again and initiating contact with me. (Don't worry -no booty call stuff and not too flirty, but definitely more than friendly). I will not pursue him; I will not let him know I still want him - but I know I am in a critical stage right now. I don't want to reject him, I don't want to accept him, I would like our friendship to blossom again and move toward a renewed intimacy. How can I go about that? It's like walking a tightrope - the right amount of push and pull.

 

I have told myself he might just find another girl to rebound too, I am prepared for that, but a part of me deep down knows that he is hurting right now and missing me and missing us. He may think it will never work again but I just want a chance to see if that is the case.

 

Honestly, it is me who needs to do most of the forgiving and I am willing to do that. I know he still likes me, is still attracted to me and possibly still loves me.

 

How casual do I play it?

[Ms Darcy]

Well, I would caution you that it might be a bit too soon. He seems to need some time alone. I wouldn't respond to online games or invitations to friends' parties. I would keep contact very very brief and only respond to direct questions and not indirect stuff.

[abitbroken]

I would focus on thinking why you broke up in the first place. It is not a contest to see who is more alluring - you or the rebound. What made him leave or you break up with him to begin with - because those issues will be there if not dealt with. Sure you can try to "attract" him back, but sometimes we have to make sure we really want what we ask for.

[BeForMe]

Thanks yes, it is too soon to jump back into anything and I sense he perhaps is finally feeling some loneliness and emptiness. The trick is I want to maintain a slight friendship, and let it grow VERY slowly - PERHAPS into something more. I did say no to the invitation to the friend's house, but said yes to the game invitation. it was just a 20 minute game and we didn't really interact.

[BeForMe]

Yes, good advice. I have done a little of a relationship autopsy and have really looked hard at what went wrong and why we threw it all away. I know I need to be careful what I wish for. I also know it isn't a contest to be more alluring or attract him back, but I think it was someone else on this forum who blatantly put it - that the rebound is just there to fulfill the sexual attraction need that your ex no longer sees in you. Getting that back in place is just the first step - our companionship and friendship is still there, the intimacy of course has lapsed. but a guy isn't going to want you back due to pity, comfort or a really good friendship. The attraction needs to come back too.

 

I would focus on thinking why you broke up in the first place. It is not a contest to see who is more alluring - you or the rebound. What made him leave or you break up with him to begin with - because those issues will be there if not dealt with. Sure you can try to "attract" him back, but sometimes we have to make sure we really want what we ask for.

[abitbroken]

Keep in mind that while you might have given the relationship an autopsy, he may not have. I think that you cannot give him companionship and friendship right now because you could be friendzoned. He gets none of you if you really want him back in the future. You are busy with your life and don't respond unless he has something meaningful to say.

[BeForMe]

yes, you are right, he is probably only now looking at us and I need to give him space to do that. He had no time to do that while he was distracting himself with his rebound fling. I don't want to be used, but don't mind being in a mild form of friendzone - all my previous relationships have started as good friends first so I am not sure what would be so bad about that. I will definitely be aloof and not there for him constantly, but don't want to be deliberately mean or cold.