I Don't Really Like My Life: Random Nonsensical Rant

[Subject]

Life so far as been decent, but I'm not satisfied. I'm going to be 21 years old tomorrow and I don't have any life experiences. I've never been out of the country, I've never been away to another city besides with my family and I've never enjoyed myself while I was there. I know I might sound ungrateful or whatever, but I can't help it if I'm not happy and it's so hard to explain that to the people around me.

 

I don't like the family I was born into and I hate that they're so content with the nothingness that they've burdened me with. They can't help me and they never will be able to. It feels like I was born into nothing and I want something; I can't really gather the thoughts to explain how I feel.

 

All my life, we've just been surviving while everyone else has been living. Other people my age have so much more life experience and it's sad. I'm not even complaining about money because people with less than my family has still has more experiences in life than me. Other people have been involved in sports, played an instrument their entire life, artistically gifted, or gotten full rides to universities due to their elite education. Basically, they have some competitive edge in life; the only thing I'm good at is waking up everyday and if I could get a scholarship for that I'd be at an Ivy League school.

 

It's so frustrating because I can't articulate how I feel. I don't want to be like my parents and just be happy for what I was destined to do. I want to see every part of the world, engage in every activities from rock climbing, volunteering in developing nations...GRR I don't even know what I want because I was never exposed to anything. I feel deprived of life.

 

I'm resentful because my mother is so afraid of the world and too blissfully ignorant to what goes on outside of these walls and the divorced father is too dumb to keep a steady job because he keeps getting fired due to the oddest things and too stupid to realize he was probably the single most negative factor of my childhood. My whole life so far has been fixing what they've screwed up. I spent my adolescent years overweight because my mother ONLY fed us fast food because she didn't want to cook and after I singlehandedly lost 30 pounds and became the athletic college student I am today, I get called "manorexic" by my overweight mother just because I want to maintain a healthy lifestyle.

 

I don't even know how to fix this. I'm moving to Chicago next fall for school and I don't want to come back. I never want to talk to these people again, but I know that there will never be anyone out there that can replace family, but this isn't a healthy bond. I can't even get my mom to company me to go visit my school because she's so afraid of her own shadow to get up out of the bed for a whole hour to actually do anything. She agrees to go, but when the school gives me the date to go, she rejects it for no apparent reason. She's irrational, inconsiderate, overly aggressive, defensive, inefficient and theres no way of communicating with her. If I tell her why I'm displeased with her for whatever reason, she goes off on this irrelevant tirade and nothing ever gets settled. EVER. I don't want to live here anymore, or know these people, but I'm stuck.

 

I just want to go away forever and start a new life, but that's impossible. I'm alive because of them yet miserable with them.

[Captain Obvious]

Why is it impossible to move away from your mother?

[cocoon2012]

Family, specially mother and father is the main source of unconditional love and we all need that to feel secure and grow!, but there is another saying which says problem can be solved at the level in which they are created!" ........., I think you are right in your thoughts and we all have to face the challenges of life in order to grow... There is a balance to be always watched, balance between giving and receiving, watch and maintain this balance with your parents too!, parents usually tends to give unconditionally but you make sure to declare your independence and give back more than what you receive from them......There is a difference between boldness and courage......., there is another saying which says the one who does not know where he is coming from he will not know where he is going to!,.....I think you better find a moderate way to face your problem, good luck anyway!

[Princess123]

Your a ball of negative energy. Instead of sitting there wishing you had life experience...go do something about it. Find something exciting or not so exciting to do! Just find something whether it may interest you or not so you would of at least tried. Doing nothing and just wishing won't get you anywhere. 10 years from now you won't have any life experience because you HAVEN'T TRIED TO GAIN IT. Things don't come to most people you have to go out and explore yourself many times!

 

Go visit your school alone people do that all the time. Then you won't be tied down to your parents not wanting to go out, you can go explore the city yourself. You want to move there then your going to have to learn at some point to be independent.

 

You are aware that if you go out of state for school it's going to cost a lot more than if your a resident of that state, right?

[Subject]

Well it was just a rant and I don't have this on my mind in everyday life. It's just when a problem presents itself again and I want to talk it out or clear the air its always a wall up around my family and it's so difficult to work things out. I don't create problems in this household, I only react to the things that are happening to me and if its something negative no one seems to understand why its a problem. EX: My morning starts 2 hours after everyone leaves the house, but I'm always rudely awaken by loud conversations a music playing and if I try to ask my mother to avoid making loud noises in the morning she becomes overly defensive and the problem continues. If the tables were turned, she would be going on a tirade about how everyone else is rude and inconsiderate.

 

But being underaged with limited options the only things available are the things presented to you, especially if one is from a dead city like where I'm from where there's nothing to the youth to get into. One can't just go skydiving, rock climbing, surfing, skiing, etc in their adolescent years without some so if financial support, permission, or transportation. If I were 23 or older in a new city this would be a totally different story because I wouldn't be able to just sit around with so many opportunities available.

 

 

 

Well I'm still 20, but next fall I'll be moving out for school and it will all be a different story.

[Captain Obvious]

Why cant you get a job and move out? Doesnt seem impossible to me.