Subject Posted October 30, 2011 Share Posted October 30, 2011 Life so far as been decent, but I'm not satisfied. I'm going to be 21 years old tomorrow and I don't have any life experiences. I've never been out of the country, I've never been away to another city besides with my family and I've never enjoyed myself while I was there. I know I might sound ungrateful or whatever, but I can't help it if I'm not happy and it's so hard to explain that to the people around me. I don't like the family I was born into and I hate that they're so content with the nothingness that they've burdened me with. They can't help me and they never will be able to. It feels like I was born into nothing and I want something; I can't really gather the thoughts to explain how I feel. All my life, we've just been surviving while everyone else has been living. Other people my age have so much more life experience and it's sad. I'm not even complaining about money because people with less than my family has still has more experiences in life than me. Other people have been involved in sports, played an instrument their entire life, artistically gifted, or gotten full rides to universities due to their elite education. Basically, they have some competitive edge in life; the only thing I'm good at is waking up everyday and if I could get a scholarship for that I'd be at an Ivy League school. It's so frustrating because I can't articulate how I feel. I don't want to be like my parents and just be happy for what I was destined to do. I want to see every part of the world, engage in every activities from rock climbing, volunteering in developing nations...GRR I don't even know what I want because I was never exposed to anything. I feel deprived of life. I'm resentful because my mother is so afraid of the world and too blissfully ignorant to what goes on outside of these walls and the divorced father is too dumb to keep a steady job because he keeps getting fired due to the oddest things and too stupid to realize he was probably the single most negative factor of my childhood. My whole life so far has been fixing what they've screwed up. I spent my adolescent years overweight because my mother ONLY fed us fast food because she didn't want to cook and after I singlehandedly lost 30 pounds and became the athletic college student I am today, I get called "manorexic" by my overweight mother just because I want to maintain a healthy lifestyle. I don't even know how to fix this. I'm moving to Chicago next fall for school and I don't want to come back. I never want to talk to these people again, but I know that there will never be anyone out there that can replace family, but this isn't a healthy bond. I can't even get my mom to company me to go visit my school because she's so afraid of her own shadow to get up out of the bed for a whole hour to actually do anything. She agrees to go, but when the school gives me the date to go, she rejects it for no apparent reason. She's irrational, inconsiderate, overly aggressive, defensive, inefficient and theres no way of communicating with her. If I tell her why I'm displeased with her for whatever reason, she goes off on this irrelevant tirade and nothing ever gets settled. EVER. I don't want to live here anymore, or know these people, but I'm stuck. I just want to go away forever and start a new life, but that's impossible. I'm alive because of them yet miserable with them. Link to comment
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