My Story On How I lost Her, Myself, Then Eventually Got Both Back

[TheDoctor]

I been wanting to do this for a long while, I wasn't sure when the right time would be but I think I want to at least tell some of you guys who are into a fresh break up or even a long NC situation what happened to me. I don't really know what to focus on but I just want to tell you my story, and perhaps provide some of you who are probably as shattered as I was with some food for thought or perhaps a few lessons I learned along the way. About 8 months ago I broke up with my girlfriend of 3 years, we were having an enormous amount of arguments and as medical school became overwhelming I noticed a cancer growing in our relationship. To make matters worst, she refused to get a job and get her life together and instead chose to party with her friends while I would stay home and study and go to work. She became friends with a new group of girls who told her she would be better off leaving me because I don't appreciate her. The next day I saw on Facebook she basically bashed me immaturely with inspirational quotes targeting how she wanted to be single ie "Why be with someone when they don't love you?". I reacted with anger and texted her it's over without really realizing what I was saying or doing. I even put single status and deleted her from Facebook, I know childish stuff.

 

The next morning I woke up and realized I still love her alot and I'm not ready to let her go and that these problems were bareable. However, she DID NOT respond to my phone call. I was assuming she was upset, so I texted her and said please pick up she DID NOT. I called a few times and texted, and I was so furious and hurt. Two weeks later, NC continued and I hadn't made any attempts to contact, I texted her and even had my sister text her asking why are you doing this? She didn't respond, and I found out she went with her group of friends to Las Vegas while I was trying to work things out. I was DEVESTATED beyond comprehension, it was so out of control that I even began to drink and take Xanax to calm my anxiety. I've never even taken Xanax before in my life but I started to take it to control my stress, I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat, I was an honor student and I was failing all my classes. It was a nightmare happening right before my eyes.

 

I couldn't believe how quickly I lost full control of my relationship, I couldn't even get the girl I was with for 3 years to respond to me to tell me that it was really over or where we should go from here. I texted her one last time 1 month later asking why she's doing this, I love her and revenge wont solve anything and she'll regret it. She blocked my phone. That was it, it pushed me off the edge. I dropped all my classes, canceled summer school and started to work out religiously. I used to be in great shape, but throughout the years I put on an extra 30 lbs and lost all my muscle definition. A spiritual journey had begun wether I wanted to accept it or not, it wasn’t optional.

 

In a matter of 1 month I lost 30 lbs, felt physically great but emotionally wrecked. I began to date and saw how many girls truly appreciated my company and for the most part I maintained a friendship with all of them till this day. But despite all the working out and dating, the thought that we may never talk consumed me. I was constantly rock bottom and if it wasn't for users like Dramallama, Catfeeder, and Casmut I honestly think there would be times I'd just give up on it all.

 

Before I knew it 6 months had past and NC continued with us both, I kept thinking to myself I’m sure by now she’s over it. Many users on Enotalone told me there is no way she’ll come back and she has probably moved on by now. I read every freaking website on how to get your ex back and they all said if your ex doesn’t respond after 3 months it’s always over. I was told unanimously by everyone (except Casmut) that there is almost no way my ex would ever come back again. I couldn’t believe it all, but ultimatelyI accepted my fate, I stopped reading all the websites and just let go of it all. I had to trust in life and wait for it to play out and enjoy as much as I could because this was torturing me. You have to understand, I went 6 months without hearing ANYTHING from this girl or her friends on how she is doing with the probability we would never speak again.

 

But something interesting happened along the way, I became empowered, I was in the best shape of my life, I felt great, I felt good about where I was at. However, the thought that she was the answer to all my problems kept eating away at me. One day, I woke up and just felt great, it was my birthday and my cousins wedding at the same time and I realized how much I had overcome from this experience. Suddenly, I couldn't freaking believe it, she texted me half a year later to say happy birthday to me and that I deserve the best life in the world and she misses me.

 

We met up in person and she cried hysterically to me telling me how sorry she is and that she doesn’t want to lose me. I was very emotional and sad, I told her she left me for dead, she didn’t even have the dignity to respond to a single text to tell me to leave her alone or anything. It was a sick and sadistic game and she owed me more than that after everything. She agreed, she told me she finally has a job, lost ALL her friends, and shes focusing on her life now.

 

This was 3 months ago, 3 months later I am dating her and let me tell you after all these amazing changes in my life I am back EXACTLY where I left off with her. I love this girl a lot, but she is constantly moody and angry. I can’t go 5 minutes without her starting an argument and she keeps telling me I haven’t changed at all. I am now back to where I started in a way, wanting out again because I see this time around IT IS NOT MY FAULT. I have come to terms that my ex and this relationship is not meant to last and that it’s time to let go.

 

I want to ultimately tell all of you, especially those who are in my similar situation of long term NC that your life will play out if you stay true to yourself. DON’T GIVE IN! Don’t Contact and trust that they are missing you without any reassurance or clues. Most importantly, know that once you do get them back TRUST ME WHEN I TELL YOU nothing will change and you will be back right where you left off.

 

If that sounds ideal for you, then take my advice and continue NC until they come back maturily and ready for you. Stay true to your alpha self and don’t tap out, for some odd reason no one wants an ex back until they overcome their fears of letting go.

 

Best of luck to all of you!

[DerekJason]

Wow i guess you can never tell what will happen.

[Airbag]

Very inspiring story. Makes you second guess your decision to try and win your ex back. It certainly does for me though.

[Aleina2011]

I can relate to this. I broke up with my ex over a year ago and after a mixture of NC snd LC we got back together and even moved in together. We broke up again 2 weeks ago. Things did change after we moved in together but we kept arguing because we never worked out how to communicate properly and also insecurity issues were not addressed. This time he's said he has made an effort and is not going back. I say he has not made any particular effort hence things did not work out. But regardless of our reasons, and unfortunately I can talk from experience, all the pain I went through to get back with the love of my life (6 months of torture) did not give me my happy ending and I am now more miserable than I was before.

[hidden_kitten]

Wow, TheDoctor, thank you for sharing that. I hope your success with each other continues. It's been about a year and a half since my ex and I split, although we have only gone NC properly a few weeks ago. He won't meet up with me to talk despite being the one to initiate the last bout of contact. Perhaps the problem is that I still haven't truly let go of him yet and accept that if he's meant to come back, then he'll come back.

[MissMazzi]

Interesting story. I guess it goes to show that BOTH parties should work on their issues before reconcillation, otherwise the same problems resurface over and over. For alot of people, it's the case of being brutally honest with themselves about what behaviour is destructive for their relationships, and alot of people don't really want to face up to that.

[eendjuh]

This is really a story I can relate too. I got back together with my ex, and everything was (sadly) the same as it was before, well if I look at it afterwards it was worse but that's not really the point. The thing is, people here should really think about their decisions, do you really want to be in the same situation again? Do you think you can change it when you are back together? And that doesn't mean only change yourself, but that does also mean, will the person you love change himself/herself? And sadly, people really don't change that often, you are who you are, and they are who they are. It takes 2 to start a relationship, it takes 2 to make mistakes, it takes 2 to break up, and it takes 2 to start all over again.

It's a really long, hard, emotional road I can tell you that, just be prepared if you take that path.

Best of luck to all whatever road you take

[Deciduous]

Massively powerful story. You seemed to have learnt so much from your journey. I applaud you

[Thorshammer]

Great post, and its a reality a lot of dumpees want to ignore. I always said, SOME dumpers point the finger, and the dumpee goes through the stages believing its their fault. So who is the one putting in the effort to change? The dumpee, because they believe they were the ones at fault. The dumper goes completely unaware to their faults, they are the dumper, they had the dumpee chasing, this ego-boost to them assures them that they were not "wrong" and that they are the best thing since slice bread, and the dumpees think they are wrong because their ex left and dont come back. Some dumpees, change when they dont have to, just to become better people.

 

And yeah, I have had ex's come back way past 3 months. Only one came back in a few days, and its because I took the break-up like a joke and didnt care. The rest were between 5 months and 1 year, some ex's have tried to get back with me for 5 years. I never take them back, I just associate them with hurt, embarrassment, and failure. The love, caring, and sex, dies off when reality hits me right in the face, and slowly those traits shift to negative ones.

[SweetSeul]

Your life will play out if you stay true to yourself. DON’T GIVE IN! Don’t Contact and trust that they are missing you without any reassurance or clues. Most importantly, know that once you do get them back TRUST ME WHEN I TELL YOU nothing will change and you will be back right where you left off.

 

If that sounds ideal for you, then take my advice and continue NC until they come back maturily and ready for you. Stay true to your alpha self and don’t tap out, for some odd reason no one wants an ex back until they overcome their fears of letting go.

 

 

I like that thought of letting life play out for you. Thanks so much for sharing and giving us all some inspiration!

[GotMyLifeBack]

SOME dumpers point the finger, and the dumpee goes through the stages believing its their fault. So who is the one putting in the effort to change? The dumpee, because they believe they were the ones at fault. The dumper goes completely unaware to their faults, they are the dumper, they had the dumpee chasing, this ego-boost to them assures them that they were not "wrong" and that they are the best thing since slice bread, and the dumpees think they are wrong because their ex left and dont come back..

 

Well-said Thors.

 

I look at it like this: unless BOTH people in a couple are on enotalone (or ANY chosen mode of self-examination and self-improvement) laying their souls bare and revealing and healing their shortcomings, the reconciliation can't work. If neither person has changed, it's the same old malfunctioning system. If only one person has grown, the other may be left behind and unprepared for the depth of self-understanding and communication needed for a successful relationship.

 

Simply put, though, usually only one person is inspired to grow, for the reasons Thorshammer mentioned.

 

Doctor, if there's a way for you and your GF to turn this around, I'm totally in support of you. Thanks for sharing your story.

[rosie smith]

you know one can change themselves but not but there partner but if two people are meant to be together they will be sometimes people have to break up and get back together in order to have a better relationship in the first place

 

you do have to let go of your ex for them to ever come back though or in my case not murder him first!!

[bdbmwer]

excellent post that offers some interesting perspectives. Its interesting to face the reality that there is way more to it than just getting them back. that you have to of grown and be compatible enough for it to work after reconciliation. I also agree with what someone said earlier that one person whos completely open to self criticism and improvement will be way too mature and understanding to work with someone whos not open to the idea.And like thor said generally the dumper will not think there is anything wrong with them

[hopelost]

sometimes people have to break up and get back together in order to have a better relationship in the first place

 

Is there really ever a time where a 'break up' does a relationship good? Just curious what everyone else things of this. It just seems to me that a break up will always be in the back of the minds of both parties, hence putting a certain level of uncertainty there that it could or will happen again. I don't know. Thoughts?

[jfLip]

Is there really ever a time where a 'break up' does a relationship good? Just curious what everyone else things of this. It just seems to me that a break up will always be in the back of the minds of both parties, hence putting a certain level of uncertainty there that it could or will happen again. I don't know. Thoughts?

 

My ex and I were going out for 4 years and had a loving relationship that became too comfortable and stale towards the end. This breakup is the best for both of us because it allowed us to be totally honest with ourselves as individuals. Reflecting back, we masked our problems and would push things off to the side. The point we are in our lives, it allowed us to grow and develop ourselves. No relationship is perfect and sometimes it's just what two people need to contribute to a better relationship.

 

My friend from high school has been going out with his girlfriend for 5 years. Long story short, they went through a 3-4 month breakup with no contact. They're back together now and doing fine.

[hopelost]

My ex and I were going out for 4 years and had a loving relationship that became too comfortable and stale towards the end. This breakup is the best for both of us because it allowed us to be totally honest with ourselves as individuals. Reflecting back, we masked our problems and would push things off to the side. The point we are in our lives, it allowed us to grow and develop ourselves. No relationship is perfect and sometimes it's just what two people need to contribute to a better relationship.

 

My friend from high school has been going out with his girlfriend for 5 years. Long story short, they went through a 3-4 month breakup with no contact. They're back together now and doing fine.

 

Thanks for the input. I can understand this side of it also. I'm suppose I'm just skeptical given the stage I'm at with my break up. I'm a month into it, where I did all the wrong things the first 3 weeks of it. I'm attempting to do no contact now (only 3 days into it) and I have to admit that it's so difficult to do.

[jfLip]

Thanks for the input. I can understand this side of it also. I'm suppose I'm just skeptical given the stage I'm at with my break up. I'm a month into it, where I did all the wrong things the first 3 weeks of it. I'm attempting to do no contact now (only 3 days into it) and I have to admit that it's so difficult to do.

 

Hang in there. I'm going in on week 7 since breakup/NC. It certainly is tough the first couple of weeks, but try with all your willpower to shift your thinking towards yourself. Ultimately, our thoughts are what keep us high or low, so action begins by changing your way of thinking. Accept that it will be hard and there will be moments of lows, but YOU will get better.

 

edit: Shoot, I need to practice what I preach. I need to take my own advice hahah

 

edit: Another piece of advice - when doubt/emotion start to enter your mind, physically get up and do something. Go outside, take a walk, clean, etc. Put your body into motion to get your mind off things.

[hopelost]

Hang in there. I'm going in on week 7 since breakup/NC. It certainly is tough the first couple of weeks, but try with all your willpower to shift your thinking towards yourself. Ultimately, our thoughts are what keep us high or low, so action begins by changing your way of thinking. Accept that it will be hard and there will be moments of lows, but YOU will get better.

 

edit: Shoot, I need to practice what I preach. I need to take my own advice hahah

 

edit: Another piece of advice - when doubt/emotion start to enter your mind, physically get up and do something. Go outside, take a walk, clean, etc. Put your body into motion to get your mind off things.

 

It is definitely tough, and I wish you all the best on your journey through this as well. Sounds like you're further along and on the right path. Unfortunately doubt/emotion overcomes me quite often still. I'm only now starting to eat again. I lost 25 pounds from this so physical activity hasn't been quite possible yet as this has taken a big toll on my body and overall well being.

 

I'm sorry. I feel like I've hi-jacked this thread. Here's a link to my thread

[sonypirates]

"nothing will change and you will be back right where you left off."

 

 

Too much of a negative story for me. I don't know how you can live being a pessimist. There are countless examples that show this statement isn't true.

[Klokwurk]

Great freakin story. Thank you for sharing, bruddah.

[Notagoodninja]

Holy cow they would come back 5 years later? I've only had one ex try to come back. and that was like 8 years later lol. But yeah I am like you, screw me once shame on you...screw me twice shame on me! there's no WAY im gonna take them back!

[Ms Darcy]

Thanks for sharing Doctor. I hope you are having open conversations with her about your concerns.