She doesent realize shes broken my heart

[davidharvey]

Ive been with my girlfriend for a long time and recently she really hurt me very deeply emotionally, i wont bore you with how she hurt me,i love her so dearly but she has put me in such a deep emotional despair, she acknowleges what she did to hurt me was wrong and begged me to forgive her and let her back into my life and i did, because she used to make me feel like i could fly , like i was untouchable to the outside world and made me feel like i could achieve anything i wanted in life, id look at her and be tearful with pride and happiness because our relationship felt stronger than any id ever known. and i wanted that back, i wanted those feelings back in my life

 

as a direct result of being blinded by my love for her, what she did came as quite a shock to my system and made me (an extremely emotional guy who tears up to films and books) feel emotionally numb towards everyone i cant feel any sympathy or compassion for any of my fellow men or women, i cant feel anger or sadness, which i dont mind but i cant feel love for anyone or happiness,

 

my heart is broken by "what happened" and even tho its been over seven months the pain of it all and the shock and all the emotional trauma it had on me is yet to be released. meanwhile i cant feel attached emotionally to anyone, i cant bring myself to cry or bring myself to even face up to what she did,

 

And she realizes it affected it me badly but she doesent seem to comprehend how badly ive been hurt, everyday i am reminded of the fact that my heart is shattered and i know im still in love with the girl that shattered it. but it doesent feel the same anymore. i cant feel the love anymore and i think the only way to repair my broken heart is to either leave her how ever painful that may be and try to forget about how amazing she used to make me feel and accept that the relationship we had will never be the same again. Or in a last desperate scramble for hope i try to make her realize how badly hurt i really am and for her to truly feel my agonizeing pain and longing for it to be as it was before. And that she truly realizes the pain im in emotionally.

 

so my question to you is how do i make her realize ? will it change anything for me ? or should i let go and begin to try and change my life and move past her ?

 

please respond and help me cope

[Mesemene]

my heart is broken by "what happened" and even tho its been over seven months the pain of it all and the shock and all the emotional trauma it had on me is yet to be released. meanwhile i cant feel attached emotionally to anyone, i cant bring myself to cry or bring myself to even face up to what she did,

 

Sounds like you might benefit from therapy, in all seriousness.

 

You decided to forgive her for hurting you - but you can't move past it. And no matter how she acknowledges it - it's not going to make much of a difference, even though right now you feel it would. Because it's coming from inside you. And it seems you'd really benefit from developing some better methods to deal with things within yourself.

 

How do YOU honestly feel about staying in the relationship?

[Jake]

She begged you to forgive her and you consider that to be her still not realizing that she hurt you?

 

This problem isn't about her anymore. It's more like you aren't able to forgive because you leaned on her fully for emotional support and she's now crushed your world.

Let me guess, she cheated on you with another guy? Either way, I don't care what she did. What you need to decide is whether what she did is something you can forgive her for. If not, then you should break up with her and face the fact that she wasn't what you we're looking for in a partner. I say this because right now it seems you want to breakup with her because you want to punish her into realizing how much she hurt you. Hurting someone because they hurt you is childish.

 

You should breakup with her because the relationship isn't what you want. If she is who you're looking for in a significant other then you need to let go of whatever she did and forgive her. Granted everybody has some rules that are relationship deal breakers (like cheating).

[superfox]

When you put someone on a pedestal there is only one way they can go from there, clue: it's down.

Whatever happened between you both is irrelevant, the fact is, she's human, not a goddess. It's up to you to either end it or look at this relationship in a new phase and with your eyes open and past forgotten. I have a feeling that you will end it and sadly every other girl will never match up to 'her'. The 'her' you knew and put up in that ivory tower.

[toby17]

I understand that it's important for you that she understands how much she hurt you. Afterall she did whatever she did and she gets forgiven and can move on.

 

But her guilt won't improve your relationship and even if she could more fully comprehend your pain in won't make the pain go away.

 

Seven months is a long time and whatever happened shook you to the core. The fact that you feel numb tells me your mind is still processing and figuring out how to deal with what happened. The pain is also your brain's way of telling you something's wrong and what happened (and your 'acceptance/forgiveness' of it) might not be consistent with your values.

 

But the hurt you feel isn't magically going to go away if you break up with her (altho that might very well be the right thing to do). Plus you're going to have the added loss of the relationship (which you've ducked once already).

 

I urge you to see a therapist/counsellor to talk about what happened. I think it'll give you a clearer idea both of

- why you can't put the incident behind you;

- whether you should stay in the relationship.

 

I think whatever happened has shaken your self-esteem and by accepting/forgiving it, this has made you less proud of yourself and further hurt your self-esteem.

 

I hope you go and see a counsellor.

 

Good luck.

[Deciduous]

Hi davidharvey,

 

It's very difficult to give specific advice, when the very problem must remain unspoken. At a psychological level this is very damaging also. The reason being is that you hand over your personnel power to the problem. It retains it's power and grows, becoming a shameful and traumatic event which must remain in the deepest ressess of your psyche, less it destroy you.

 

Do you see how it is holding you hostage? It doesn't want to be examined. Shining a light on it, might be the first step towards healing. Our fears do not want that. The next thing you know, you'll be attempting to wipe them out of existence.

 

Help me here, David. If she hurt you by sleeping with other guys, that is one thing, if she hurt you by critising you bed that is another. And if she hurt you by forgeting to put the top on the milk, then that is quite another.

 

You see my problem and hesitancy at giving specific advice to an unspecified hurt.

 

I want to help by giving appropriate and responsible feedback.... but you aren't giving me a fighting chance.

 

You are quite anonoymous here. Can you bring yourself to 'stare down' the particular problem as painful as that maybe. Right now you cannot bare to spit the words into the universe, but have you considered pouring it out here and handing it over will be the beginnng of a cathartic journey - maybe it will loosen its stranglehold on you.

 

How can you heal from an event which holds such power, such fear and such threat, that it cannot be said aloud.

 

Shine a light on it and expose it. That is why you are here. To share your pain and come to grips with it. The first step is to find the words to communicate with an anonymous and sympathetic audience. I am not here to judge you.

 

Do you feel ready?

 

 

Deci

[davidharvey]

hi toby 17 something you said in your reply has shaken me into feeling the need to reply to your post immeadiately, i think "youve hit the nail on the head" ... it has shaken my self esteem im not as proud anymore of myself, like "superfox" said i put her on a pedestal in my mind and in my heart, that i could trust her over anyone else in my life, but by putting her on that pedestal i felt like i was on there too i felt proud of her , more than you can ever imagine and felt such a love for her that it was uplifting for me to just be a part of it and her life, after what happened it felt like a long fall off the pedestal not only for her but for me too, i guess your right about her guilt, it would only make matters worse i suppose, i do feel like all the building up of my own confidence and pride and self belief and feeling of selfworth came with doing my best to make her happy and make her feel like shed never felt before, i tried so hard to show i loved her more than words could say, and to make it clear not when i felt like being a gentleman and romantic but everyday, to show her not only do i love her but that she inspires all the romance within me and all the wonderful feelings ive spoken about, she sparks the flame for those feelings all comes from her. by being who she was and how she was with me made me the man i was, and when it happened she took that away, along with my self respect because i really tried my hardest to show her , harder than ive ever tried anything in my life, i miss who she was with me, i think what happened changed us both

[davidharvey]

Mesemene - do you feel the problem is more mine to face alone and make a judgment now?

[Mesemene]

Well, you definitely need to have an honest heart to heart with yourself - a brutally honest one - and ask yourself some serious questions.

 

1) Was offering forgiveness a reflex to hold on to her and the relationship - when it's really something you don't feel you CAN forgive?

 

2) Was this something she seemed sincere about regretting, or do you feel could happen again in your heart?

 

3) Love may make the world go round - but trust is the bedrock of a good relationship - can you trust her again?

 

4) Even though this seemed like the perfect girl and relationship - how did you let so much of your ability to feel for others, and your self-worth, get tied up in her, saving nothing for how you feel about yourself as an individual?

 

5) Would her acknowledging how profound an effect this had REALLY help - or is this one of those situations where, no matter how much she may want to feel for you - there's no way she can live up to the degree of empathy she'd have to have to make things right?