Desperately lonely and frustrated- help me plan.....

[battleweary]

At 33 years of age I find myself not only single (permanently) but also so low on friends that I have little or no life outside my work. I seem to have only ever been a 2nd or 3rd tier friend for anyone and realistically there is not one person on this planet who chooses to spend time with me over anyone else. Im useful, that seems to be why my number is kept on anyones phone book. Im not the person they make plans with, socialise with...im the person they occasionally fit in probably out of the need to keep me sweet for my usefulness. And now Im bitter about it.

 

Life is lonely, very very lonely. And there seems to be little if anything I can do about it. Ive joined the gym, took the nightclasses, volunteer work, online dating and have reached quitting point as I cant keep flogging a dead horse. I badly need a holiday but yet again find myself with nobody to go with, I even bit the bullet and tried going alone last summer but hated it, wasted a pile of money going and came back early because it was just a more intense reminder of bloody loneliness.

 

I desperately need someone to tell me how to go about structuring a life whereby I dont feel like this, dont feel bad about being by myself, dont crave a relationship I cant have. Right now Im sitting here with my cat, the only proof I have that loyalty and affection exists in my world.

[LazyDaisy]

I'm sorry. I'm feeling the exact same way at the moment.

 

How about your job? Any possibilities for frendships there? Do you ever initiate a social event? Or do you just wait for others to ask you to do something?

[r0ckox]

hey, at least you have the cat. i've just got my TV

 

I hear ya, though.

[battleweary]

Trying to initiate events is what has me driven to point of typing this today, a so called friend blows me off with a text FULL to the brim of b.s. excuses so she can spend time with others even though I had got in first. And this isn't an isolated event. Im largely put off trying to initiate things now because there's only so much rejection you can put up with. I commute to work, have one main friend there but she lives a good bit away and is in a relationship. In the last 18months Ive withdrawn a fair bit from the work crew after deliberately being excluded from a birthday party- yep this is are grown adults who selectively went through the work email directory picking people to invite i.e. not me. Previously done him favours before too, considered I got on with him up until that. So another snapshot of being on the outside of the human race.

[LAYAAN]

OP, are you a male or female? (sorry it wasn't clear to me from your post)

[battleweary]

I am female

[LAYAAN]

Life in the US is lonely. People mind their business. People have their own worries. If you dont' have much dough (and not suggesting that OP doesn't. I'm only sharing general information) then people are afraid of spending time with you because most of the hanging out activities for females (and because I'm a female I know how most females spend their time: is to go to eat or go shopping) require money.

 

Just like you OP, I used to be very helpful to people that I considered friends. So, I was used as a doormat. Whenever they needed help, they asked me. I was soon taken for granted. Very conveniently I was excluded from all the social activities, but hey when they needed help, they had no problem in finding me. So, I decided that I'm going to help only if I can be completely selfless about it. So I started spending more time at the volunteering facility than letting my "friends" take advantage of me.

 

Getting true friends is tough. You will just have to go through piles and piles of people before you finally meet someone who will stand by you through thick and thin. Don't give up, but don't invest much (effort-wise or emotionally) in people who have not proved themselves worthy of your favors yet.

 

You don't need "friends" to hang out with. You need people that you are comfortable hanging out with and you can find such people on link removed. See, with your friends, you can only do those activities that they are interested in. If you join link removed, you will do those activities that *you* enjoy and find those that enjoy them too. Who knows, you may even find a friend in that group? And you get to decide if these activities require money or not. If you dont' want to spend money then you don't have to. Just join activities like walking, hiking, etc. that are for free.

e.g. I have a friend and her whole gang... they like to go watch almost every single movie. I dont' have that kinda money. Plus she lives far away. So, if I have to hang out with her, I need to drive for 45 min, burn money on gas + pay my own way for movies. She likes to eat out. I can't because I don't have that kinda money. So, I joined meetup groups that are in my area and we walk. I joined a charity knitting club. They provide yarn and needles and they even teach you to knit. These are friendly women from all age groups. They sometimes bring their dogs. They invite me for potluck once a month. When I graduated from University, one of the old ladies from our knitting club invited me to her house for dinner and gave me $20. Its not about money, but I was very appreciative of her kind gesture. Its experiences like these that kept me going during my largely lonely stay here.

[battleweary]

I live in a rural area of the UK not the US

[LAYAAN]

Also, OP, you will notice (as you must have already) that as you grow older and if you are still single, you will have a hard time finding friends. Most people from certain age groups have certain priorities and these priorities differ for different age groups. 20-30, if they are serious about education, they are focused on school, advancing their career, etc. 30-40s people are getting married, settling down (and I'm talking only about professional people with education) starting families. Also, friendships of women hardly stay strong because women make their husbands and kids and their soccer games and parent-teacher associations, blah blah their priorities. That is why women like us who are in their 30s and have no BF and family feel very left out and alone. I invested all of my time into my education here. That is how I tried to overcome my loneliness. But I completely understand you. You see that is also why a lot of women end up getting into relationships (BF or live-in or marriage) for the social aspect of it.

 

Dont' give up hope. I'm not suggesting that you should get into a relationship even if you don't want to be in one. Ask yourself if you desire a companion and if you do, you must take time out and do everything that is needed to put yourself out there and find that companion. Get a pet, join fun organizations, volunteer, work on advancing your career/education. You will feel much better. That is what I'm doing. Its not easy. If you read my journal, I have my own beasts to face... but I'm trying.

[LAYAAN]

I live in a rural area of the UK not the US

Oh okay... sorry I assumed that you were in the US. But UK is an advanced nation too. If you have access to internet, see what can you find around yourself. link removed is all over the world. Type in your location and see what comes up. Also, if nothing else, you can start with local gym membership, or local church (whether you believe in God or not. I don't really subscribe to a religion, but I still went). Most churches have some kinda volunteering opportunities. Not suggesting that you have to do this forever... but these are good opportunities to meet people and get started.

[boyblue]

Hi battleweary

 

I live in the the uk as well, not in a city but in a medium sized town. I've had similar things happen with so-called "friends" over the years but to be honest if people are treating you like this then - honestly - you are probably too nice so they are walking all over you. Not saying this is your fault, you just have to know where to draw the line with people as those so called friends will take advantage of you; they are not really friends otherwise they wouldn't treat you like this. Draw the line and get them out your life.

 

I only have a few real friends as I find it better, and more realistic, to have a few you can rely on, rather than lots of not-real friends. You should first and foremost try and be happy in your own skin, now I know that might sound idealistic but it is so true, and this counts with relationships too, I learned that you shouldn't look to others to fulfil your needs and happiness, that should come from you and you only.

 

Friends and a partner is just part of the human need for interaction and if you are single and don't have any friends you are going to naturally feel left out. If you have a friend/partner they should want to be with you, you shouldn't have to "entice" them with favours to keep them with you. I'm not really sure what the answer is, you will know better than anyone but think what is it you really want - not need - if you think you should have more friends then ask not what you would do for them but what benefit it would be for YOU. I know people who have lots of friends but basically they are all fake friends and in general these types of people are usually lonely or they feel lonely without a significant amount of people who are associated with them, friends or otherwise.

 

Good luck

 

BB

[battleweary]

That's the thing you see, I've spent a long time on my education (I have three degrees!) and career (that's largely where I want it to be and deservedly so), I have gym membership, did the nightclasses, clubs, volunteering, online dating...all the typical stuff that's suggested. I'm not a whinger, my instinct is to solve problems.

 

I can't attract a partner for whatever reason, most likely my looks, that's my achilles heel for a long time. I feel at this stage like my life is wasting away in loneliness. When it comes down to it there's very little worth doing alone. It's impossible to get motivated to get in the car and go to something to spend the day alone, just wont do it too often. It intensifies how bad I feel about it. I've tried that a lot of times and it just doesnt work, neither does days like today, thats home alone- it's a scary and sad reminder of the way life is shaping up.

 

I dearly wish I was one of those truly independent people who could find peace and happiness solo. Instead Im banging my head off a brick wall, frustrated and getting bitter at people who I feel treat me badly. And I know Ive put with more than I should for sake of having some, albeit inferior contact.

 

I dont know how to make my peace with this. I feel guilty for getting depressed over it because my Dad has been ill in recent years, surviving cancer and a recent scare and that was a real problem and reason to be depressed. In comparison this feels stupid and selfish complaining. Then on the other hand the cancer had a huge impact on me in terms of making me want to make the most out of trouble free times and I feel blocked in doing this too.

 

Headwrecked!

[LazyDaisy]

I don't have any real friends any more. My boyfriend was my best friend and the majority of my social life. We just broke up. At the moment, my 6 year old son is basically my only companionship. And right now, that suits me just fine.

 

Have you considered becoming a big sister? Not sure if you have that in the UK, but you volunteer your time to help a teenage girl out - spend time with her take her places. Or maybe you might want to become a foster parent or adopt a child. How about pets? I know my pets keep me company. They help me to feel less lonely. I have cats and a dog. Cats are good for people that work. They are a little easier to care for.

 

Being lonely is a legitimate complaint - but many people feel lonely even when they are around others. You said you don't see much worth doing alone. You have to appreciate yourself - do you ever just make yourself a really great meal and enjoy it alone with a glass of wine? How about going to a spa for some treatments. Take some class for fun as opposed to education. You never know who you will meet. Before I had a son I used to sign up for cooking classes at the local high schools.

 

All I can say is try to keep a positive attitude. That is what will attract others toward you. Make sure you are smiling and approachable. Don't give up hope.

[nicoleh24]

What youre going through is pretty common for your age. Mid twenties-early 30s have this issue sometimes because of the life changes going on-people getting married, kids and family keeping them busy, working too much to socialize.

 

I had a couple of close friends who moved several hours away with their new hubby/families and we rarely keep in contact now. The two other close friends I had stabbed me in the back after I bent over backwards being a good and loyal friend. So now Im just lonely as hell with no friends and at this point I dont want any. I give and I give and am such a good friend and truly care then I get treated this way. So....Im just going to do some volunteering I guess so I can get a little socialization aside from working otherwise I just dont see myself making true close friends at this point and Im not going to try any more.

 

Anyways, I feel your pain!

[battleweary]

Between all of us wounded "friends" (using the term loosely), surely we can come with an intercontinental coping strategy! :sorrow:

 

I've done a lot of thinking in the last couple of days.At this stage of life I dont want to cut people out of my life (life's too short), but for a start I think I need to be unavailable for the next few favours required- I think that might give me back a little control and ease the being used feeling. I'm also not initiating any text messages/facebook msgs/emails this week.

Seeing as I feel like Im engaged in a competition that I didnt sign up for with one so-called friend in particular Im withholding info on whats going on with me for the time being and sticking to irrelevant general stuff- although she probably wont even notice!

 

So anymore ideas, please do post....

[LazyDaisy]

All my life, in my groups of friends, I always felt like I was the one that had to always do the initiating and the contacting, otherwise I wouldn't ever hear from my "friends". I always did whatever they wanted, went out where they wanted, I was the one always doing favors and never getting any in return. It's just like that for some people and probably always will be. We don't have carisma, I guess.

 

Anyway, I learned to do things on my own. I am also much more successful than any of my old "friends". I guess because I had more time on my hands and so I devoted more time to my education and my career. Everyone has different talents. Some people are good at attracting others, some aren't. But I bet you have other talents. You just have to accept what your lot in life is and be happy as you can about it.

[LAYAAN]

Between all of us wounded "friends" (using the term loosely), surely we can come with an intercontinental coping strategy! :sorrow:

 

I've done a lot of thinking in the last couple of days.At this stage of life I dont want to cut people out of my life (life's too short), but for a start I think I need to be unavailable for the next few favours required- I think that might give me back a little control and ease the being used feeling. I'm also not initiating any text messages/facebook msgs/emails this week.

Seeing as I feel like Im engaged in a competition that I didnt sign up for with one so-called friend in particular Im withholding info on whats going on with me for the time being and sticking to irrelevant general stuff- although she probably wont even notice!

 

So anymore ideas, please do post....

I like your post. I am having similar feelings. In fact, a year ago, I decided to stop making any effort to connect with 2 of my so-called friends. Unfortunately, one of those, I had a huge argument with. I didn't want it that way. The other one, I just decided wasn't worth retaining as friend and I didn't bother to stay in touch and she didn't stay in touch either. It hurts, but its essential.

Being unavailable is the best strategy to avoid unnecessary drama rather than to engage in discussions that lead to arguments because some people just never get our point-of-view.

[Tarnation Joe]

A friend of mine started from a similar position, but now is quite socially active. What started her up in part was spending her vacation time taking language classes in foreign lands. She's in Nicaragua right now, actually. Since they are purely "consumption" trips and their nature is as much educational as vacational, there is less pressure to enjoy yourself but more opportunity to be social with fellow students.

 

Now she is much more outgoing in general. And she's conversational in lots of countries now.

 

Best of luck to you.

[Glowguy]

I identify with a lot of what you wrote too. I spent most of my time in my 20's and late teens focusing on school and career and neglecting social relationships and I wish I had done more to build lasting connections when I was younger. I too feel very lonely too and often. I do not agree that you can't enjoy things alone though. I think the more you are able to be comfortable in your own skin and enjoy what life brings, then people will be drawn to you. It's not easy to do and I still struggle with it but I'm starting to notice some results. I force myself to go to meet up groups and have social interaction (which often times doesn't lead to anything significant but I feel better afterward). Aside from that I especially love going on hikes, taking photos in the city, having a good brew, and seeing live music. Yes some of those would be enhanced by having companionship but that can also be a distraction.

 

It's more difficult to make friends in your 30's. Try not to get too discouraged and just be open about meeting people. I moved to SF two years ago and I still don't have many friends but they are starting to grow. I know I can put more effort into it, but life seems to get in the way a lot of the time. I bet you have a lot of great qualities and there are lots of people out there looking to connect.