Cynder Posted October 30, 2011 Share Posted October 30, 2011 So, I've been hanging out with this guy I really like lately... The attraction is obvious from both ends. I've known him for 9 years or so. I'll fully admit that I want to sleep with him. No shame in that. But every time we hang out it doesn't happen. What always happens is a lot of talking, cuddling and making out. That's fine, I'm not complaining... But whenever I try to take it further he doesn't seem interested. He also has a roommate. I've wondered if maybe he doesn't want to have sex in the house while his roommate is there. Idk. Last night we were alone for most of the night. We sat and talked a lot. He talked more then I did... about his family and his childhood and stuff. What followed was a long make out, and then we ended up falling asleep all cuddled up on the couch together. And another thing... Last night he told me he loved me a couple times. First time was in a joking kind of way, second time was completely random. He just said it out of nowhere. So... it seems pretty obvious that he feels something for me. I'm confused about why he won't sleep with me if that's the case. I wonder if he doesn't think I'm attractive. Any thoughts on this? Link to comment
LDRohnos Posted October 30, 2011 Share Posted October 30, 2011 Umm, does he have any sexual experience? It could just be that he's not ready to go any farther yet. Link to comment
rosie smith Posted October 30, 2011 Share Posted October 30, 2011 sorry if this sounds rude but if you really like this guy why rush into sex??!! I made my ex wait 6 months before we finally did the dead, lasted 8 years and even though we have kind of split up now, I know that he will always have more respect for me just cause I made him wait and all of that crap basically Link to comment
Batya33 Posted October 30, 2011 Share Posted October 30, 2011 It might be too soon for him to have sex or he might be concerned about the STD risk even with a condom (what have you discussed about that, so far?) and/or pregnancy risk. Link to comment
Cynder Posted October 30, 2011 Author Share Posted October 30, 2011 Umm, does he have any sexual experience? It could just be that he's not ready to go any farther yet. Yea, he does. He's almost 40 years old. He is a shy person though. I don't know how much experience he's had. Link to comment
Cynder Posted October 30, 2011 Author Share Posted October 30, 2011 sorry if this sounds rude but if you really like this guy why rush into sex??!! I made my ex wait 6 months before we finally did the dead, lasted 8 years and even though we have kind of split up now, I know that he will always have more respect for me just cause I made him wait and all of that crap basically You have a pount... Maybe I am rushing into things. I've known him a long time. We've been hanging out regularly since last Spring. We started out just talking. Then we started kissing each other goodnight when leaving and holding hands and stuff. Idk... it seems like it's headed in that direction. Maybe I just want it more then he does right now. I think I'm a borderline nympho... I'm ready to go all the time. Link to comment
DylanNotorious Posted October 30, 2011 Share Posted October 30, 2011 Enjoy the moments without rushing into sex. Sex changes everything, and not always for the better. Link to comment
Cynder Posted October 30, 2011 Author Share Posted October 30, 2011 It might be too soon for him to have sex or he might be concerned about the STD risk even with a condom (what have you discussed about that, so far?) and/or pregnancy risk. He's sterile. He can't get me pregnant. But I'm on birth control anyway, so he's not going to get me pregnant. There was a night a few months ago when we definitely would have if we had protection. He really wanted to and it was me who wouldn't give in because of lack of prtection. He swore up and down that he doesn't have anything. But, you can't just take someone's word on that. That's the only time him and I have ever talked about STDs. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted October 30, 2011 Share Posted October 30, 2011 He's sterile. He can't get me pregnant. But I'm on birth control anyway, so he's not going to get me pregnant. There was a night a few months ago when we definitely would have if we had protection. He really wanted to and it was me who wouldn't give in because of lack of prtection. He swore up and down that he doesn't have anything. But, you can't just take someone's word on that. That's the only time him and I have ever talked about STDs. OK so since you know he does want you sexually I'd just leave it alone. And I'm not sure that the "sterile" thing is 100% foolproof either depending on why. I do understand that some people feel safe enough with just a condom without being tested -sounds like he is one of them. Link to comment
abitbroken Posted October 30, 2011 Share Posted October 30, 2011 I would honestly wait until your divorce is final. It might not just be shyness. He could want to wait until he can sleep with you without guilt, knowing that you are his alone or even if you don't want to be exclusive there is not the entanglement or the drama of your soon to be ex husband, emotionally, or about the "friend" that you also ended things with. He might be the type where its not just about "sex". I know that you have known guys where you can have a no strings attached sexual relationship with, but he might have feelings beyond just physical attraction if you hwv known him that long and is hesitant and doesn't want to get hurt not being #1 or being #1, but dealing with #2 or #3 also. I think he does care for you, but why rush this. Also, you mentioned you wanted to move out of the country, and if he knows this, he might not want to jump into anything either. Just take it slow, get all your stuff sorted out before you try to even classify this or push for anything and it will all fall into place how he actually feels, how he feels, and if it ends up turning into sex or not. Link to comment
Miss Firecracker Posted October 30, 2011 Share Posted October 30, 2011 I would be glad. Link to comment
Snny Posted October 30, 2011 Share Posted October 30, 2011 Classy men don't quickly jump into sex after first few dates and can be turned way off if a woman is demanding it. It doesn't matter if you have a history with him or not; You will come accross as desperate and pathetic. Think of it this way: Are you after him for companionship or just sexual gratification? Abitbroken also pointed out that you still haven't finalized your divorce AND you want to leave the country? If that's the case then you aren't treating this man fairly and should be honest with him. Link to comment
Cynder Posted October 30, 2011 Author Share Posted October 30, 2011 I would be glad. Yea... I suppose it's all in the way I look at it. At least I know he's not just looking for a piece of ass. He tells me pretty often that he really likes being around me and hanging out with me. He tells me I'm easy to talk to, etc. But, I have feelings that are stronger then just friendship, and I don't want to get friendzoned. (How funny is that... a women who's worried about being friendzoned...) I think more like a man though, so I guess it's realistic to worry about it. Link to comment
Snny Posted October 30, 2011 Share Posted October 30, 2011 He tells me pretty often that he really likes being around me and hanging out with me. He tells me I'm easy to talk to, etc. But, I have feelings that are stronger then just friendship, and I don't want to get friendzoned. Ok, so you are looking way more into it than he is. Don't pressure him with your feelings if he is not on the same page. Link to comment
Cynder Posted October 30, 2011 Author Share Posted October 30, 2011 Classy men don't quickly jump into sex after first few dates and can be turned way off if a woman is demanding it. It doesn't matter if you have a history with him or not; You will come accross as desperate. Think of it this way: Are you after him for companionship or just sexual gratification? Abitbroken also pointed out that you haven't fully divorced AND you want to leave the country? If that's the case then you aren't treating this man fairly and should be honest with him. It hasn't been just a few dates... This has been going on since Spring. There was a night a few months ago when he wanted to and I wouldn't because we didn't have protection. That's part of why I'm confused. I don't think I'm demanding it... I'm just trying to take things in that direction. He turns me on, what can I say? lol... I'm after both. For a long time I lied to myself and tried to actually pretend like it was just sex I was after with him. But the more we talk the more I feel connected to him. I don't know if he feels the same way though. I mean yea, last night he's throwing the L word around, but I don't really know how sincere that was. He knows I'm married... My marriage has been an open marriage since last February. But still, even when it's an open marriage I can understand why some people wouldn't be comfortable with that. He also knows about my ambitions to leave the country. He has joked around about coming with me when I go. Before I went to Europe I used to tell people I might just not come home and go voluntarily missing over there. He told me if I do that I need to wait a few months and send him a plane ticket. But... the country I want to live in is almost impossible to immigrate to. I don't have any skills that would get me a work permit there. And I don't see myself marrying someone over there just to get in. So, even though I have aspirations of leaving the country, I am also looking at this realistically and seeing that it's probably never going to happen. And if it does it will take many many years. Link to comment
Cynder Posted October 30, 2011 Author Share Posted October 30, 2011 Ok, so you are looking way more into it than he is. Don't pressure him with your feelings if he is not on the same page. I haven't told him how I feel. I have no idea what page he's on honestly. I can only guess. Link to comment
Miss Firecracker Posted October 30, 2011 Share Posted October 30, 2011 He knows I'm married... That's enough reason for most people. It would be for me, even if the man had an open marriage. I just wouldn't be able to get into it. I'd be picturing the person in bed with their spouse and get turned off. Sloppy seconds would be my thought. It nauseates me just typing this. lol Maybe he will perk up after you are single. Link to comment
Cynder Posted October 30, 2011 Author Share Posted October 30, 2011 That's enough reason for most people. It would be for me, even if the man had an open marriage. I just wouldn't be able to get into it. I'd be picturing the person in bed with their spouse and get turned off. Sloppy seconds would be my thought. It nauseates me just typing this. lol Maybe he will perk up after you are single. Yea... this lifestyle isn't for everyone, I understand that. And him and I kinda fell into this situation. It didn't start out like this. He was just the roommate of a good friend of mine. I would go over there to hang out with my friend and he would be there too. But over time I started going over there to hang out with him more then my friend. Then he started inviting me over. THen he started inviting me out places with him, etc. He may not know this (and maybe I should tell him if the chance presents itself) but my husband and I don't have sex. We don't even sleep in the same bed. I sleep on the living room couch. He got his heart broken pretty bad by a married woman when he was younger too. Link to comment
Miss Firecracker Posted October 30, 2011 Share Posted October 30, 2011 Yea... this lifestyle isn't for everyone, I understand that. And him and I kinda fell into this situation. It didn't start out like this. He was just the roommate of a good friend of mine. I would go over there to hang out with my friend and he would be there too. But over time I started going over there to hang out with him more then my friend. Then he started inviting me over. THen he started inviting me out places with him, etc. He may not know this (and maybe I should tell him if the chance presents itself) but my husband and I don't have sex. We don't even sleep in the same bed. I sleep on the living room couch. He got his heart broken pretty bad by a married woman when he was younger too. Someone here like me would know there is no threat of that. But he wouldn't be 100% sure I guess. I can tell that your marriage is over, if not technically. Link to comment
abitbroken Posted October 31, 2011 Share Posted October 31, 2011 He may not know this (and maybe I should tell him if the chance presents itself) but my husband and I don't have sex. We don't even sleep in the same bed. I sleep on the living room couch. He got his heart broken pretty bad by a married woman when he was younger too. I don't think it matters if you do or not. I mean, its better that you don't, but for him having had his heart broken by a married woman, he isn't going to go for being with you right now. The married woman probably swore up and down she wasn't sleeping with her husband, etc. and even if you are not, he is going to be extremely cautious. I would take it as a sign of a respectable man that he doesn't want to sleep with you to sleep with you but wants to protect everyone's emotions involved. I know you just "fell into it" but I think that if you don't want to be friendzoned, that you have to be open with your feelings and tell him that you want to get through getting divorced before jumping into anything. Also, you really have to decide if you are risking his heart and yours - if you were "with" him, could you see yourself "with" him, or are you going to want him and someone else too. And you have to be absolutely honest. I know maybe I didnt give the best advice to you in previous situations with you because I saw your "open marriage" not as someone truly being polyamorous but a solution to a situation. But I will say that because he has been a good friend who you think of way beyond sex that you are going to have to ask yourself if you can really have the relationship he wants if he is all in for one on one. Also, above all, I would try to be by myself for a little bit. Even if it means that you tell him that you want to date him, but since you are not divorced you want to go through that and have a little time. I know that sounds sucky, but if you went from your husband, sort of dumping the guy you were also sleeping with and then ending it with your husband, that has got to be an emotional strain and at the very least, if that were me, I would have spent so much time inviesting myself in the relationships and losing who I was as a confidant, solo woman. But anyway, i think you both have to be on the same page whether this is something that "feels good" or something more. And also know that he may decide not to do anything with you knowing you are going away if he sees you as more. Link to comment
Ariel85 Posted October 31, 2011 Share Posted October 31, 2011 Not every guy is going to be cool with having sex with a married swinger. That carries a lot of health risks, and I bet the reason he's not bedding you, is that he's afraid of disease. And you have admitted you have sex with other men unprotected, so it's a very valid concern. But, I'm curious -why did you have sex for years with that other guy without protection, and this one you won't? Link to comment
Notagoodninja Posted October 31, 2011 Share Posted October 31, 2011 Karma is a terrible thing. WAIT until you are divorced so the universe can fully bless you I'M NOT joking! Link to comment
Cynder Posted October 31, 2011 Author Share Posted October 31, 2011 Not every guy is going to be cool with having sex with a married swinger. That carries a lot of health risks, and I bet the reason he's not bedding you, is that he's afraid of disease. And you have admitted you have sex with other men unprotected, so it's a very valid concern. But, I'm curious -why did you have sex for years with that other guy without protection, and this one you won't? I don't have sex with other men unprotected. I don't know where you are getting that. I wouldn't even have unprotected sex with my husband. (Back when my husband and I had sex that is. We haven't since March of this year.) I never had unprotected sex with my friend either. I think you got your facts mixed up. Link to comment
Miss Firecracker Posted October 31, 2011 Share Posted October 31, 2011 Karma is a terrible thing. WAIT until you are divorced so the universe can fully bless you I'M NOT joking! Karma, the kind that hits newborn babies with cancer? I don't think you know her history. If you did, you wouldn't be saying that. Link to comment
Cynder Posted October 31, 2011 Author Share Posted October 31, 2011 Karma, the kind that hits newborn babies with cancer? I don't think you know her history. If you did, you wouldn't be saying that. Yea, not much a believer in karma. I've seen a lot of good people go through terrible things and a lot of douchebags who come out smelling like roses no matter what they do, who they take advantage of, etc. Karma is not my motivator in life. Link to comment
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