My bf is lying to me and I don't know how to confron him

[Lone She Wolf]

So, my bf and I have been having a rough time. We had a big fight a few weeks ago where he was putting me down about my career, which is one of the most important things in my life. Consequently, this huge opportunity for my career is coming up and I have been extremely busy getting prepared and the last thing I wanted was to get distracted by our problems, so I told him I needed some time to concentrate on work for a few days to prepare. In the last few days, we've been kind of distant, but last night I really wanted to turn things around and start getting past these issues. So, I called him and he didn't answer my phone calls, or emails. He had sent me a Good Night email at 730pm which I though was kind of early, but he's done that in the past when he feels down - or so he has told me...that he goes to bed early when he's depressed and sleeps all night. However, something about last night felt different - I don't know what it was or how to explain it, but I had this feeling that I should see if he was home. So I drove to his place, and he wasn't home - his car was gone, I rang the doorbell, he was not home. I waited around for about half hour thinking of why he would want me to believe that he was going to be by sending me a Good Night email and then leave to go out somewhere, and then proceed to not answer phone calls, voicemails, a text and an email.

 

I'm in a bit of a shock because I never would have thought that he could lie to me, but I didn't want to over-react just yet, because, afterall he didn't say he was going to bed, he just said Good Night. So I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt, I thought maybe he just needed to go out and drink somewhere, because he's done that in the past, but in the past, as far as I know, he hasn't lied abou it. So I went home and went to bed.

 

Then this morning, he calls me and says "Sorry about last night, I wasn't feeling well, so I just turned off my phone and went to bed early and so that's why I didn't answer your calls."

 

So now, at this point, I know with 100% certainty that he's lying to me. But now what do I do? Why would he have the need to lie if he was just going out? What could he have possibly been doing that he wanted me to think that he was in bed by sending me a good night email and then not answering my calls?

 

I feel like I'm falling apart, I don't know what to do. Please help?

[sadchick83]

Good for you for going to the house to see if his car was there. And, anyone who offers an explanation as to why he didn't answer calls so readily is hiding something.

It was Hallowe'en Saturday, he was out, and he probably planned it.

 

When and if a guy starts to put you down, get rid of him. In some weird way he is jealous, or wants to see you fail. A man should be encouraging at this time.

 

I guess some people would say to confront him, nicey-nicey. Ive been in this position -- kept it in for a long time....which is really difficult. Can you find out where he went?

Sorry this is happening, but you need to put it aside for your career opportunity. Focus on this, this week, then confront him when you have the career thing in the bag.

[Captain Obvious]

Why didnt you trust what he said in the first place?

[Thorshammer]

I said negative things about what my ex wanted in a future, I never meant it, I just wanted to show her that more money can be made doing something else. Her line of work was sort of embarrassing, she wanted to be a sexual therapist, and I wasnt comfortable with her talking about how to give someone a proper BJ to entice sexual attraction. I abandoned it, and became enthusiastic for her career, but she never let anything go.

 

Anyways, I would confront him on it. You did nothing bad. A simple, "well, i missed you, so i went to go see you and....". Thats not so hard, put him in the spot, best to do it in person so you can see his facial/body expressions. I would do this all the time, "hey did you see the movie... hey, so you know what i did... then... hey, i missed you last night so I..."

 

I used to have strange vibes with my ex, and it would wake me up in the night. One time it hit me real hard and I kept calling my ex over and over, she never picked up. Next day she felt super guilty for some reason, and she wanted space. I never knew what that was about, i reasoned she felt bad because she ignored me and i stood up worried. But, it could have been that she was doing something. Who knows.

[MusicMama]

I agree with sadchick, he probably had plans to go out, maybe just with friends, but maybe with another girl. If it was harmless, he wouldn't have lied about it. There was SOMETHING there that he felt the need to cover up. So unless he had some agreement with you to not go out without you, it seems something is definitely off.

 

I would say, as Sadchick did, concentrate on your career opportunity, get it straight, unless you can't because of what is in your head. Then you may HAVE to confront him about it. It depends on if you are able to set it aside for now or not. I know, for me personally, I would have to deal with it immediately, but that's me. Don't lose an opportunity for a guy who is lying to you for some reason. It could be nothing big, but why then would he lie? Unfortunately, I'm the person who just got lied to myself and I discovered an affair was behind the lies and secretiveness. This may not be the case for you, so maybe don't jump to conclusions, but don't be blind either. My BF of 4 1/2 years had always been totally honest and he's last person I would have thought would lie and have an affair. Be open minded and straight forward, but don't fall victim to more lies, if you can help it either.

 

good luck, I hope you find it was something minor, but if it is big, maybe you are better off than with a man who is threatened by your career anyways.

[Lithp]

I am kind of going through the same thing right now - I have been distancing myself from my boyfriend to figure some stuff out, and I know he was out last night when usually we would spend it together. That doesn't necessarily bother me because I know that I haven't been asking to see him and let him know I need time to clear my head.

 

Is it possible that he just didn't want to tell you he had been out partying as to not upset you? When my boyfriend goes out to a party he tends to leave his car at home as he knows he will be drinking, so maybe he just went out for a drive before he stayed in? The only way you will know is if you tell him - you figured he would be home from his e-mail, went to his house to see him and saw his car wasn't there so you waited and he didn't show. So ask him why he said he was in bed early if his car wasn't there? It's just tricky because you've asked for space and you don't want to make it look like you're checking up on him with random stops at his house in the night.

 

Pretty sure he's lying to you though considering the situation, and if the insults towards your career don't stop, I would really re-consider your stance in the relationship. Good luck!

[Daligal83]

I would tell him that you were concerned about him not answering your messages, especially since you guys haven't been doing well lately, so you went to his house to see if he was OK. Then you can say that you didn't see his car there and he didn't answer his door, so you don't understand his explanation. Say it calmly and without accusation. See how he reacts.

[Jd1983]

I think it's best that you are both upfront and honest towards each other.

 

He's lied, and you didn't trust him. You both have some 'fessing to do. Nothing destroys a relationship faster than no trust and no communication.

 

Let him know that you felt uneasy when he said he was going to sleep, so you decided to drop by and see for yourself. Tell him that you found it odd that he wasn't home and felt the need to lie about it.

 

This can possibly make or break your relationship, but it needs to be done. If this has been going on for several weeks, it's time to get to the bottom of the issue.

[lavenderdove]

Well, there are some people who will purposely pick fights so that it buys them room to storm off and do what they want, or lie about being sick or going to bed or whatever to cover for why they don't pick up the phone if you call (because they are out with someone else).

 

Is he the type to get 'jealous' of your work, if he doesn't get paid attention to every time he wants it? Sometimes people who are like that are also the type to seek out other women because they resent it when they don't get your attention when they want it. But that is very immature/selfish if he does that, because you do need to work and mature people recognize that.

 

There is no easy way to confront him... what i would tell him is that you wanted to see/talk to him, so dropped by his place and he was gone and ask him where he was... be prepared for him to be angry or turn it around on you, or just lie some more to cover it up, as in 'i didn't feel well so was at the drugstore buying something'...

 

You have to just watch for a pattern of disappearances and unavailability to see if he is perhaps seeing others, or a pattern of repeated lying. Some things may indeed have innocent excuses, but if these kind of things happen a lot, i'd dig deeper. There's an old expression that goes 'Lies have short legs' which means they can run far or for long, and sooner or later you'll catch some real evidence if he is lying or cheating.

[Lone She Wolf]

Thank you guys for talking to me about this.

Cpt. Obvious, it's not that I didn't trust him, it's something weird that I can't explain, I went because of an uneasy feeling that I've never had before (otherwise I would have done it the other times he's told me that he's "going to bed" at an ungodly early hour), in addition to the fact that I was ready to talk things out and get past the last fight we had. He did put me down about my career, but he did it while we were both very emotional and he was really angry at the time. He later apologized and said he did not mean it and confessed that he felt hurt and he just wanted to hurt me back at the moment, but that is not how he really feels. I took days and days to think about it. My fear was that underneath it all he did feel jealous about my work (we both work in the same field and I'm trying to get a position similar to his - I'm very close!), and I know that a couple should support each other in what's important to them, not try to put each other down. So my going to his house had 2 reasons - the uneasy feeling and the wanting to work things out with him - if only the uneasy feeling had been there, I may have been inclined to ignore it and just talk about why he didn't answer the next day. I'm glad I went as this is really a turning point in our relationship that had to come about.

 

I will confront him about it today, I'll never be able to focus on anything this week if I don't. But, I was wondering if I should take one of two approaches:

 

1. Calmly confront him, as you guys are saying, and just tell him that I had an uneasy feeling and also needed to talk to him to try to work out our issues and move on with our relationship, so I went to his house and know he wasn't home. Then calmly ask him to explain.

 

OR

 

2. Give him a chance to come clean on his own by leading him down a path where he knows that I know something, but doesn't know what I know. Say something like, "You know honesty is very important to me and we need to have trust and communication in order for this relationship to work. So, I'm going to ask you a question and I really need you to be honest because this is a make it or break it type of question, but don't worry...all you have to do is be completely honest with me right now and if you are we can try to work things out. "Have you ever lied to me before, for any reason, even if you thought it was to protect my feelings, have you ever lied to me about where you go or who you're with?"

 

What do you guys think? If I use approach #1, I'm simply confronting him on the lie, at worst he can try to deny it and I will be foreced to break up with him right then and there. At best, he comes clean, but he only does it cause he knows he's caught - in other words, if I hadn't caught him, would he have ever told me the truth? In this scenario, the trust is still lost and I will still be forced to break up with him right then and there.

 

If I use approach #2, at worst, he doesn't come clean and I break up with him right then and there. But at best, he chooses, on his own, to tell me that he's lied and why and perhaps I can have some hope depending on the reason why he felt the need to lie.

 

It seems to me that approach #2 offers some hope of reconciliation while approach #1 ends in a bread up either way. But, should I even hold out for that hope, or should I just walk away now. To me, it really doesn't matter why he lied, it matters that he did. While I may understand WHY he lied (maybe he didn't want me to know that he was going to go out partying with his friends out of fear that it might make our current "fight" worse and what he was doing last night was totally innocent), I still can't accept that fact that he lied. How am I supposed to believe him from now on? I wouldn't know how to even if I wanted to.

 

I know one thing - I'm not going to tolerate someone lying to me. Today is either the new beginning of our relationship or the end of it forever. It feels so awful to know this - I almost literally feel these invisible walls around me crumbling, the walls that were the foundation of our relationship, I feel like my world is turning upside down.

[shortest_straw90]

Id just openly ask him if i was you, I doubt he'd come clean. If he was going to tell you he wouldnt have lied in the first place.

I say be honest and straight with him.

[Lithp]

I would go with the first approach. If it was something innocent, he may think nothing of having told you he was going to bed early and not bring it up. Also there may be other little lies he has told along the way that don't necessarily need to be brought up right now, and pulling everything out just to find out about one incident seems unnecessary. You need to be upfront with him and tell him what happened the other night - you felt bad, had an uneasy feeling, figured he would be home and went to see him but instead found he wasn't there so you don't get why he said he went to bed early.

 

Don't lead him on and play mind games with him, just full out ask what happened the other night so you can get all the facts before you decide you want to break it off with him. Lying is the one thing I can not stand, but there are times when you can forgive it and if he is struggling with you needing space after an argument, he may have just wanted to be left alone and telling you he was going to bed would be an easy way to get some time away without hassle.