My ex is ruining my social life. What to do?

[manu85]

Hi guys,

 

Long story short: I've been with my ex for about 15 months and we've broken up for a little over a year. It was a very intense relationship for both of us.

 

Now, in short, let me explain my social circle, which mainly consists of 3 groups:

 

1. Old friends: I have about 15 friends I still see from high school (I'm 25 now), I've known these guys for 10-12 years. They're very close friends and they know all about me, but in recent years, many of them have started hooking up, and most of them are a tad bit conservative and settling down.

 

2. Uni friends: about 10 people I've known for 6-7 years. They're not my closest buddies but still people I like to hang out with a lot.

 

3. Party friends: These are about 20+ people. They're friends through friends, they live in the city, most of them I've known for about 5-6 years also. They're not close friends, but really nice people to party and have fun with. Although they're not my closest friends, a lot of them live lifestyles more like mine in comparison to my old friends, and I like to hang out with them most.

 

 

My ex has known all these people through me since the time we got together (a little over 2 years ago).

 

 

Now here's what happened: after the break-up, I didn't want to be friends while she really wanted to. She started befriending my 'party friends' and a few of my uni and old friends too, like crazy. They would go to parties together week after week, a lot of these friends not caring about how I felt about that, leaving me very upset. For months I stayed home at Saturday nights or just had some low profile drinks on weekend nights, because I figured it'd be better not to see my ex instead of 'having fun' at parties and looking how she would seduce a ton of other guys.

 

I felt hurt but told our mutual friends that they could do as they wanted, because I figured, if they really liked her, they should just have fun, and it was their choice whom to choose as friends, not my decision.

 

I noticed that things gradually got better and better, and my ex would feel guilty about it all and back off. After a few months, she even sometimes went home at parties after she saw that I came, so I could have my fun too.

 

However, last week, I didn't wish her a happy birthday. I figured there was no reason for me to wish her a happy birthday, as she dumped me, flirted with a ton of guys in front of me, litterally stole a huge amount of my friends (hey, I don't want to sound bitter, but it's really like that), and I know for a fact that she has a boyfriend ) now, so I figured she should be happy enough with his wishes and those of all of my friends.

 

 

Now, one week later, she suddenly gave a huge birthday drink for a lot of friends, again, more than half of those people she knew through me. I am suddenly hearing from friends that she's throwing another big party in a few weeks. She invited friends she doesn't evens see anymore and got to know through me. For both of these parties, I'm not invited (of course, logical as I didn't send her a bday wish). I also see her going back to liking pictures on facebook of all of my friends, etc. etc.

 

Now my reaction:

 

1. I want my normal social life back! I want to go out and be carefree, see my friends, have a good time, and not be obliged to hang around my ex the whole time, who is IMO trying to control my social life. How to do this???

 

2. I want all this drama to stop and I need somebody who cares. Why don't any of my friends give a godd*mned ?? Should I look for new friends? Why can't she have fun with her own friends? I don't mind her seeing our mutual friends, but why has it got to be so extreme? Is she trying to bug me, or put me outside of my own social circle?? Is she angry that I want to be friends? Why can't she accept that if she has the right to not want to be with me as a partner, I have the right to not want to be a friend of hers? Why doesn't she respect the fact that I need people of my own to have fun with? Is she trying to 'force me' to be friends? How's that behaviour for a friend? This is just absurd! It drives me crazy and I'm s*ck of it!!

 

I feel angry and frustrated and hurt by my 'friends', who don't seem to care. I'm also having a really difficult time opening up about this to them. I don't want to be a whino, and I don't want to get pitiful reactions, I hate that, but I want all of these nonsense to stop. All I want is to move on and have some people I can count on. Is that really too much to ask for?

[manu85]

Okay, sorry guys, I guess my message sounded very frustrated. I feel a lot calmer now and I realize I need to talk a lot more about my anger because if I keep it all locked up inside, things will seem a lot worse than they actually are.

 

I guess I just need to accept that she will somehow be a part of my life, and that my resistance against it will only make things worse. I just need to act casually friendly and need to be cool with friends inviting her over. I just need to stop thinking about how she is having fun and need to start thinking how I can have fun.

 

I guess I just have one problem... I'm afraid of girls now... I am bisexual (yup), and I know I fall in love with girls way more deeply than with guys, and enjoy sex with girls too. But at the same time, I know girls don't handle bisexuality well. They're afraid of it. Afraid of geting dumped and not being able to satisfy me. I'm a very monogamous guy but I just don't know how to keep the fear off of a girl's mind... And I'm afraid to get hurt again... I'm afraid of love... I guess I need to let go of all that and learn to trust again and to let someone trust me...

[East4]

No, I do not think your message sounds frustrated, to the contrary quite well structured (the description of groups of friends) and you gave a fair account of the dynamics with your ex. I do think from what you choose to share, that she is taking revenge over you for not being her friend. I find your reaction only nomal, I also cannot be friends with ex-es, not right away after the break-up, very rarely with some of them after a long period of no comms.

 

If your ex b-day was last week, most probably she is a scorpio and often they are known for their vindictiveness. Perhaps she knows that meeting friends is important toou and she is trying to deprive you from what is important to you. This is just petty passive-aggressive BS. Just do not take the beit. Find new friends, or simply find new activities to do on saturdays. You have already experienced that after some time she quit diong this to you.

 

As for your friends' reaction, well take it as a trying period during which you can filter who is your true friend. Your true friends will understand your desire to not meet your ex and would be considered to your feelings. If they do not do that, well, then may be they are not really deserving of your friendship anyways.

I noticed you kind of do some censorship on your emotions-" i should do this, or I should not do that". There is no need for that. Just accept your emotions the way they are, but do not act on them.

 

I think your being bi and the original subject are not related. These are two separate issue. Many girls react the same way to their hetero ex-es, so sure i do not see any link.

[giubilante]

In regards to your frustration with your Ex... try to move on. Why should you care what she does anymore. Why should you avoid her? Don't! Stop avoiding your friends or parties because 'she might be there'. Stop leaving if she shows up. Move on. It sounds as though you still have a lot of issues with getting over that relationship. If she IS trying to bother you, you are certainly showing her that it's working! Do you really want to give her this power? And, does it 'really' matter so much that she sees your old friends? You don't have to become her friend, but why not learn to take the higher ground and treat her with a polite civility. If she is trying to irritate you, this is the best revenge. After all, is it really fun teasing someone who simply doesn't react at all? Erm... nope.

 

And yes, do make some new friends... I don't think that one should ever just stick with an old group of friends. Keep moving on and finding new people to hang out with. This doesn't mean that you should dump your old friends... just that life moves on and people come and go.

[manu85]

Hey guys, thanks so much for your replies. I really needed some support and I'm not getting it from my friends...

 

I'm sure she is somehow spreading word to my friends along the likes of 'look how heartless he is, not even wishing me a happy b-day after what we had.' and 'I was seriously wrong about him' but I am just trying to move on and she doesn't know nearly how much I suffered after our break-up. We just don't work. It's so childish of her to do this.

 

But you know, in a way, I guess you're right, I should be thankful. I will know my true friends through all of this.

 

@ giubilante, you're spot on about the polite civility: that's exactly what I'm going to do. However, I don't agree with what you said that I shouldn't care about what she does or not. I don't care what she does or doesn't. But I do care that I can't do anymore what I want or don't want. I just find it so damn hard to go to a party when I know she'll be there. And she won't miss ANY party. It's just so energy draining, 'cause when I know she'll be there I just can't be myself and relax completely and get all tightened up, don't know why that is. I guess I should just focus on the people I like and try to have fun with everyone. It's just so damn hard. I just feel so alone in all this. It would mean so much to me if some of my friends would at least come to me and tell me how difficult they know this must be for me. But, I guess I just need to man up.

 

Thanks again for your advice guys, it means a lot! Have a nice day.

[nekoxchaos]

whoa that's really awkward , you shouldn't count them as real friends if they don't realize its not comfortable for you. It does seem kinda unfair that she dumped you but is now trying to get through your social life, it seems kinda immature as well and as you said draining ... and inconsiderate. She could at least back off for a while, do you guys live in small town? sometimes its best to not have too many mutual friends and have a relationship with someone who can do their own thing.

 

I know its not easy to meet new people but are there other activities aside from partying that you can do with a group of friends, and I mean the close friends that probably would care about how you feel and you should tell people if it bothers you. It's completely ok to have your feelings be known because you can only take in so much. If she wants to party and what not let her , if shes doing it to get a reaction from you then screw that and let her waste on energy on petty things, shes no longer your concern.

 

Also you should un-friend her on facebook or block all her posts so you don't have to see it! you don't want to waste too much time on that site anyways its pointless. Good luck

[manu85]

Hey nekoxchaos,

 

Thanks for your reply. Luckily, I already threw her off facebook one year ago and we don't live in a small town, but in a (albeit small) city. The problem is that social circles in this city are very small. I like to hang out with rather creative, social people my age (23-26), and most of them I know through mutual friends, have studied at similar universities, etc. You meet the same people over and over.

 

I do have a hobby (jazz singing) where I can meet other people, but there's not that much room and time to socialize with class mates. Furthermore I am so busy (I'm a medical student doing clinical rotations) that I barely have time to set up meetings and gatherings with other groups of people.

 

I am dreading going to a housewarming this Friday. It is of mutual friends (friends who used to be exlusively mine) but I know she's going to be all over the place, socializing with everybody, possibly bringing a boyfriend or an actual fling along and flirt in front of me. Actually, I don't really care if she does that. But I do care about losing my friends. It's just heartbreaking to feel that they like to hang out with her more and see me as a sort of pathetic individual, or at least, that's how I feel, locked out. I feel stuck. I can't even think about flirting with other girls at parties because I feel so uncomfortable with her around, that I don't have the confidence. What makes things even more difficult is that 1 of my 2 housemates is a mutual friend who meets up with her every 1 to 2 weeks. I am trying to be as tolerant and cool and laid back about it as I can, but somehow it stings, and I cannot develop a deep friendship with him, even though we like each other and to some extent get some emotional support from one another. I have thought about moving out, but is that the solution? I just feel like I'm the one who always has to give up and surrender. I also have a great, beatuiful, cheap room there and my other housemate is fantastic (and the mutual friend is actually a cool guy, but it's just difficult at times). It's so unfair. I cried about it yesterday, I hate to admit, and the whole thing has made my stomach turn. I know I don't want her back, but why are my friends so cruel. Why is she so cruel... I guess I need to accept that they're her friends now more than mine and that distance would be better I guess... Make new friends and try to be happy... Pfff. Life s*cks.

[manu85]

Don't mind me replying my own threads, lol but I need to write a little more.

 

Somehow, and this might sound weird, I see her trying to 'bully' me by interfering in my social life, as a compliment. It shows that more than a year after our B-U, she, also, hasn't come to terms with it. Why else would you try to hurt a person if you're fully over them? I don't see this as a sign that she wants me back, but it does stroke my ego, and it makes me realize I don't want to be with someone who is like that, with all the revengeful childish thoughts she has.

[manu85]

Hey guys,

 

Just wanted to say that I appreciate your responses and that I'd love to get some more advice. I hate to admit this, but this has been bothering me all day again. I can't seem to get over the fact that I feel it's so unfair for her to just seize my friends and integrate in my social life without people feeling sorry for me once. I'm so angry because of it and feel so unloved by these mutual friends, although I know they feel weird about it too and they have made efforts to show they still care about me too and appreciate me, but for my feeling, too little effort. I know I'm quite black-and-white and I like people be 100% for me. Am I feeling too sorry for myself? Normal people, at least in my opinion, distance themselves from the friends of their former lovers, but she hangs out with my housemate once a week (whom she knows through me), is best friends with people who used to be just my friends (although not my best friends but distant friends) and whom I regularly see at parties. It seems like she's keeping her gates to me open because I've always felt she wanted to keep me as a 2nd option and cling me along. It's like she's sitting on the fence watching where I'll go and I just need her off and out. Maybe I'm too obsessed over this, maybe I should just focus on me and appreciate that I only have to see her relatively little time in comparison to some folks here who happen to even work with their exes. But it just bothers me sooo much and I have a feeling I would be doing so much better if I could completely cut her out of my life.

 

I'm just basically wondering: how do I do this practically? How do I create space for myself?

 

Should I tell these mutual friends that I appreciate their friendship, but cannot consider them true friends anymore and am hurt by them befriending her over me? How should I word this?

 

I have told her once, 10 months ago, that it hurt me to see her befriend all my friends, but her reaction was to do it even more. I just think she's irritating and needs to get out of my life. I want to live my own life, want to not be bothered by her while making plans with my housemates, and want to socialize with new people without her hanging around the whole time. I just want my own circle of friends.

 

Should I tell her?

Tell these mutual friends that I feel betrayed and don't consider them as real friends anymore?

Tell them not to invite me anymore? (but then I'll lose so much of my social life...)

Be polite or firm and clear that I don't appreciate their behaviour? Cut off all contact with these friends and focus on another group of friends?

Stay away from parties which these mutual friends invite me to or go?

Just accept it, be nice and cool to these mutual friends when I see them but not spend time with them and rely on my other friends?

Try to be casual friends with my ex to make social situations a bit more easy-going?

 

I just don't know anymore, but I need my space and freedom, without that clingy woman of an ex who thinks she should control my social life.