Should I support him in this?

[sosoo]

Hi,

 

My ex and I are both 28. Wonderful relationship we had for 10 months and we spent lots of time together because we work in the same department and in the same group. We had great communication, wanted the same things in life and we were very loving. He is very respectful, never had even a slightest sex touch (I am kind of old fashioned). Apparently, he loved me so much and I had the same feelings. We went to various pre-marriage counseling and everyone was fine with it, even encouraging us to get married soon because we are very compatible.

BUT, his family... not that they didn't disapprove of us. but, I was married once when I was 18 and it's been 6 years since, but since I'm back to Iran (a traditional religious place!), well they do have problem with this. His dad asked to talk to my ex (I haven't seen nor talked to him for the past 6 years), to see where the problem was. Now I gave them all the information about him (in case they want to contact him), and I was very clear about everything in my previous marriage from the start, told my ex bf everything that went wrong, what I did wrong and what he did wrong and that I was very young and immature and I didn't even spent 5 hours to get to know him and blah blah. No secrets!

Ex bf dated a girl before me for three complete years, and she started asking him to meet his family (Please?! Like after three years), and his family wouldn't approve and at the end, he broke up with her to be with me!

With this history, I knew we were not going anywhere until our families approve first, so I broke up with him and asked him to work out his issues with his family first. He wanted me to be exclusive with him the whole time, and there was no guarantee he wouldn't break up with me at the end.

I am very heart broken. Never met a guy like him in my whole life, and I am extremely picky!

We see each other every day. He has promised to sort things out and he insist on loving me. I am trying to forget him though and move on with my life, and if he grows a backbone and can stand up to his parents at the age of 28, I am willing to give things another try. I am pretty cold to him right now.

However, I've started to feel bad and I feel that I had to be supportive. What do you think?

Please keep in mind that it's not US! No matter how loving and respectful we are, parents can be complete * * * * * es here, and get on the way

Thank you for reading my post and good luck to all of you.

[1guygirl]

personally (and im taking it that this is a cultural thing) when parents get involved as deeply as this...it never bodes well.

 

i dont mean to be disrespectful here, but why do you have to prove yourself to his parents?? they do not have a right to speak with your ex, and is this level of intrusion what you really want in a marriage?

 

bugger them...if they cant take you and accept you as you are then that is their issue. not yours.

 

i would like to think as adults and compassionate beings they can see things from a mature, loving perspective....but this doesnt look like the case.

 

when marrying into families like this where as a wife, you are still way down in the pecking order, it only brings you unhappiness.

 

you do not owe them your life history from an age when you were so young.

 

and your exbf has a good few red flags of his own...breaking up with someone after 3 years to be with you, because his family didnt approve...just like that huh?

 

hows about you start interviewing THEM to see if they are good enough for YOU

 

i personally wouldnt stick around this lot...when partners put family above you, you end up feeling like an outsider and very lonely. thats not what a loving union of two people is about...its you two, in it together, and then you are part of the family.

[LDRohnos]

I'm not 100% sure of this but I work with an Indian girl who told me that parents cannot control a relationship if the two people involved are in love with each other. They can disapprove but they cannot stop the marriage from happening even if it's a very traditional caste. She ended up leaving India to move here to marry her boyfriend, essentially cutting all ties with her family that still lives in India.

 

I'm not sure if culturally it's similar in your situation. I agree though that unless your boyfriend/ex shows some backbone this cannot ever happen.

[Mesemene]

It sounds like he has some hard decisions to make.

 

I can understand the influence families have, especially families with a strong tradition of involvement in every aspect of their children's lives.

 

At some point though, he needs to decide if he's comfortable with his family making his decisions, or if not, what boundaries he needs to draw around areas in his life. And he needs to sit down with them and discuss what he considers reasonable involvement with them.

 

What has he said thus far as far as his family is concerned - does he seem to be leaning towards making his own decision about marriage, or is he willing to let them guide his choice?