Someone please help me....I literally do not know what to do

[hm87]

I've never put myself down as one of these people who likes to open up about matters, in fact I much rather brush it under the carpet in the hope that the matter will disappear over night - but I've been told on numerous occasions that confession is good for the soul and I am hoping that this email will some how allow me take steps in the direction I want - failing that I am starting to scare myself in what I could be capable of unless I get an outsiders point of view - or at least something that tells me that I can become the person I want to be.

 

I am 24, living at home with my parents and I would say the last 6 years have, to a degree, made me the person I am today, or so I think. I come from a good background and had a rather non eventful up-bringing with two very loving parents who only want, and still do despite my behaviour, which I will touch on later, the best for me and brought me up in a loving environment. I would say that the problems perhaps started when I was around 13 or 14, I was dealing with the inner demon of the fact that I was gay - and at that age, didn't particularly know how to deal with it very well. This resulted, in what I can only consider the first situation in which I found myself lying and making excuses for behaviour - and in turn - let my parents down dramatically and embarrassed them.

 

After this situation I would say that life as a teenager returned to as normal as it could be - I studied up until A levels and obtained a part time job. I was of course still dealing with the fact I was gay - but as I have said before - this was simply brushed under the carpet. It was at the point of my A2, my parents approached me considering University - and it was also at this point where it was highlighted to me that I was disastrous with money. Vast majority of the money that I earned whilst I working part time and studying - which was blown in the space of a weekend - usually on clothes - and alcohol. I made no attempt to save - and when my parents approached me again concerning university - and the subject of perhaps saving - I let the idea of going to university drop completely. It essence - I believe my 17 year old mind - quite literally thought - I cannot be bothered. With that I finished my A levels - rather hap-hazardly - my results were dire and I was then at the point where I had to decide what I wanted to do with my life.

 

I continued to work part time - and eventually obtained a full time position - with a good law firm. I got used to the full time wage and it was where I met a good friend - who allowed me to come to terms with the idea of being gay. I started going to gay venues - spending a stupid amount of money on clothes and alcohol once more - obtained a credit card and my spiral into debt kick started. It was also at this point I met a good friend in a local gay venue - who introduced me other people on the scene and future flat mate. I would go out most weekends - and start sleeping with women and for the first time in a long time - I would say - started to feel a little more comfortable in my own skin. I would still lie to my parents about which venues I was going too - and lie about who I was going out with. I didn't feel ready to tell them that I was gay. It was also at this point - where I started to crave intimacy with another person - I felt that I wanted a relationship.

 

At 19 I finally felt ready to spread my wings and move out of home. My parents were not best pleased about this - mainly because I had no savings behind me. I moved out of home into my first flat and finally felt free to live the life I felt that I wanted. However it was at this point as well where my debt problems started to become more of a problem. I wanted things, and took out a rather expensive loan in order to purchase them. Not out of nessacity I might add - but I put it down purely to greed.

 

Then in the October, I met a girl who would be my first serious relationship. She was beautiful, and everything I wanted in terms of outside attributes. I would see her regularly - she was a student- which resulted in me drinking more - and placed my job in jepody - I was forever late - and usually not in the best of states. I was also struggling funding going out all the time - despite a full time job - and found myself dipping into the joint account my friend and I had to finance the flat. Despite the guilt of what I was doing - I also found myself ridiculously happy and content with my new relationship. In the December - my friend found out what I was doing - and thus wanted to move out. I can't recall how I really felt about this - but I remember feeling very numb to it all. Subsequent this - another friend posted a rather unflattering description of my new girlfriend on a social networking site and told me that I need to sort my debt problems out and my new girlfriend was no good for me if it made me to such things.

 

I moved back in with my parents - eventually came out to my parents so that I could explain to them my new relationship however I started to experience some problems within my relationship. Following the statement my friend made me - I made a drunk confession to my girlfriend about what my friend had said and what I had done and she was not impressed to say the least - not so much at what I had done to my flatmate - but what my friend had said about her. This would pose a significat problem within our relationship. Whenever this was not brought up - we were very happy - another part of my life however was in dire straights - I was struggling with debt and didn't want to approach anyone for assistance or help for it.

 

In the June of the following year - my girlfriend asked me to move in with her - which I did so - however - I cut all contact with my friends - and she frequently bashed me over the head about what I had done. This guilt subsequently turned into resentment. We were awful in alcohol and subsequently avoided going out together. I then found myself resenting her even more - subjecting myself to my job (by which point I was doing very well, I became a Paralegal) and the four walls that surrounded us. My money situation started to get worse - despite not doing anything I found myself spending a stupid amount of money on clothes - which I never wore - and other ridiculous things. Xmas came around and I found myself being incredibly demanding of my girlfriend - requesting expensive gifts and the like. Despite this - for some reason - and I have no idea why - I still regard Xmas 2008 as one of the most content times of my life.

 

Despite this - I no longer had a facebook profile - she would hate it if any of my old friends spoke to me - and I found her lying to me on regular occasions about the most trivial things. She would re-visit facebook and speak to other girls - she lied to me about her degree and other matters. I found myself resenting her more and more and eventually in the April of 2009 - I moved back in with my parents. I missed her terribly though - and despite the problems still being in existence - we got back together. I still felt low everyday though - it was quite literally a case of feeling like I couldn't live with her, but I couldn't live without her either. My money situation continued to get worse and then in the September of 2009 I was diagnosed with depression and placed on citalopram.

 

It was also at this point I explained to my girlfriend that I was in an awful money situation - and I will whole heartly admit that I used the fact that she loved me so much - to get what I wanted. She got me a loan out - not her personally - but her father. This money - did not pay anything off - instead I spent it on more clothes, more stupid items and just added the money I owed her - and added another out going. I didn't make any payments to her back - and she struggled to pay her father back. I started drinking more and started to treat her in an incredibly bad way - I would constantly break up with her, only to get back together - spoke to her like garbage and blamed her for all that was wrong in our relationship. Eventually in the March of 2010 she called it quits and I tried to get her back - however she had met someone else - for 3 months she tossed over the idea of her being with someone else whilst keeping me in the back ground. She eventually said there was no chance for us in the June of 2010 - and she walked away for good.

 

I knew I loved her - despite how badly I treated her- mainly because of the pain, and its a pain I had never felt in my life before. I started to pay her the money back and tried to get my life back on track. I couldn't though - and my citalopram was increased in dosage and following being signed off by my GP with depression for 2 weeks my company paid for a counseller. I thought I was making good progress, but I still didn't feel like me. I eventually took myself off citalopram completely in the October of 2010 - my work was slacking,I was drinking a stupid amount of alcohol and my finance situation was diabolical and I then lost my job in the November of 2010. My parents knew something was going on - but at no point did I approach them about it. It was at this point where I finally felt like I had enough and I took an overdose.

 

I remember simply being violently sick for a full day and I felt I had to tell them. I met a few other girls - once in particular who I really liked - but she strung me along for quite some time. It was at this point, I did obtain another job - and for some reason - acting completely on impulse - decided to move out again. I moved in with a friend of mine - who I had known for years - my parents, once again, were not impressed , but let me go nonetheless. I was struggling paying my ex girlfriend back - and in the January 2011 - she dropped a letter through the door for my attention. My parents, already becoming suspicious of my money situation - clocked what was going, and approached me about it. My father went onto take a loan out for me to pay back my ex partners father. This did lift a burden but only proved to act as a weak overthrow for the other debt I was in. In March 2011 - I then lost my job again. Unable to pay my flat mate rent - which I might add I was always late with and always the less amount - I moved back in with my parents.

 

I fell out with my flat mate due to the debt collection letters being sent to her address and the fact that I still owed her a months rent - and so far have been some what unsuccessful in paying that back to her - I then obtained another position - life did quiet down and I never told anyone the full story of what happened with me and my flat mate to anyone. My mother booked a trip to New York - redecorated my room and tried to make life as comfortable as possible for me.

 

The full point of this email - and why I am now at the point I am - has been spurned by the events of the last month. My parents and my younger sister - went away on Holiday for 4 weeks - and I was left with the house. During thier time away - I drank all the alcohol in the house - ran up a rather large bill on the telephone and left the house in an awful state - and to quote my father - "I have finally sussed you out". My mother was heart broken and said that they were on the verge of kicking me out. I am still here, but right now - I am at a complete loss as to what to do with myself.

 

All I have successfully done, in my eyes, since 2007, is let the people, who care about me the most, down. And all I have cared about, is drinking and my own needs.

 

I am now questioning why people want me in thier life, perhaps because they don't know me at all - or because there is some good in me, that I just have to let over take the bad - but I just can't see it. All I want, is a steady relationship, good relationships with my friends, a good job and for my parents to look at me and feel proud of who I am.

 

Is this karma for how I treated by girlfriend? Or am I just a bad person in general?

 

I am scaring myself because I losing hope very quickly - and I keep thinking to myself perhaps the people in my life - would be better off without me as a burden.

[Mesemene]

I noticed one theme which seemed to run through your spending habits and other issues - alcohol, alcohol, alcohol.

 

Have you ever explored if you have a drinking problem/are a functional alcoholic?

 

If not, I'd get in touch with your local AA chapter, and see about at least getting information.

 

Then have a solid brutally honest heart to heart with yourself. Write down two lists - one of things you dislike/hate seeing in yourself - and one of traits you like in yourself that you aren't using.

 

The other people in your life that you love won't be able to be proud of you in a way you can see it until you can look at yourself and feel worthy of their pride and love.

[hm87]

Thank you for mentioning the words functional alcoholic - having googled it, having never heard of it before. I suppose due to my own ignorance I was of the belief that alcoholics were people who couldn't function on a daily basis without drink - but I fit the description of a functioning alcoholic completely - and perhaps need to re-think my relationship with alcohol. I do drink like a fish and most of my money is spent on it - I binge drink a stupid amount and most of my cringe worthy moments have been caused through drink.

[Mesemene]

It's a pretty common misconception, so definitely don't feel silly or ignorant. Many people picture an alcoholic as your brown-bag guy on the corner, or the executive who can't get through the morning meeting without that hidden flask. It's a LOT more common to have people who seem pretty normal and yet, have that hidden dependence, often masked socially by going "out with the guys/girls" constantly, feeling the need for a drink to "unwind" at the end of the day - or even that just being your immediate thought and "go to solution" for any stressful situation.

 

If and when you feel ready to address it - since you've said the description fits you completely - seriously consider AA, and/or counseling to help you. You'll need all the support you can get, and every ounce of inner strength, to beat it into submission.

 

I'd be surprised if some of your other issues don't start resolving themselves once you have a strong direction and goal, and counseling to start you on the track to being healthy. Addictions have a tendency to taint so many areas of our lives we rarely realize just HOW profound an effect there is until it's addressed.

[hm87]

Ironically the first thing that came to my mind was the thought that I would be considered a bore or that nights out with friends would be boring without drink. I think i have more of a problem than I care to realise. Perhaps quitting drink will help get my life back on track and in the direction I want it too. It appears that that all I do is live for the weekend and getting wasted - plus it seems to allow me to forget - it seems so easy in the evening - but the morning it never is. I feel a bit daft for being so ignorant and have chosen to place the blame on other elements - they obviously hold a major factor - but perhaps quitting drinking will allow me to conquer these problems with a clear head.

[Mesemene]

Sounds like a good start at the very least - keep us posted, get in touch with a local support group - and please, let us know how you're doing. You have a starting point now - and thinking through it got you to that point - it's more than you had earlier today, so keep going and let's see what you're made of