Dating-- First guy after father's death and BU

[sadchick83]

So, a few of you know my story....BU in Aug 2010, reconciliation until March 2011, but caught him cheating. Then 2 days later found out my father had cancer (I was a Daddy's girl) BTW, and he died 6 weeks after that I was there when he actually passed from pancreatic cancer(horrible disease BTW). Then, my boss tried to frame me, get me to quit. I called HR and it was handled adequately. Plus, my Dad left financial disaster, and I am the only child who can help my Mom sort it out. My sister (who lives in NYC- Guy is in London, UK) on the other hand, managed to get engaged to a lovely guy between my Dad"s death and now. I am very happy for her, but since Im doing the mop up job, I can't even think of going out/socializing etc

 

So, needless to say I was numb for the last year. I moved back home with my Mom while my house is being reno'd and to support her emotionally. My brother just had twins, so he is busy. I actually find comfort staying in the house I grew up in. There were times during the last few months that required a mental health professional & drugs...when the stress at work happened, I was nearly at the end of my rope. I just couldn't understand why my life was flipped upside down.

 

So, last weekend, I was jogging in the posh lake district. My mother has a home there. Anyway, while listening to Deepak Chopra, I saw a lovely sports car that almost has the same licence as my Dad's car. In my head I said "hi dad" and thank you God, for sending me a sign, that my Dad is watching over me.

 

The car drives by a few times, and remember, no one is around at this time of year, so its kinda weird to even have cars pass by. The guy finally stops and asks me what I am training for. I tell him, "Oh Im retired...I was competitive many years ago." We chat lightly, but I honestly feel a bit uncomfortable-- hair not washed for 4 days, no make up etc.

 

So he gives me his business card. I just told him my name. Our places are just 5 or 6 houses apart so he wasn't dangerous or anything. I look him up on line, turns he is the CFO of a huge company, a few years older than me, and makes millions of dollars a year.

 

The last guy I dated was completely broke, even when he took me out for a slice of pizza, he would get it sliced in two. I paid for 70% of everything. I make more, so was happy to do this, and honestly, would have married the broke guy, no problem.

 

Here i my dilemma: He has sent me an email every day this week-- He managed to find out my email address and initiate the correspondence. He seems a bit shy, but is very sweet in his emails. I am so sensitive now, when he suggested I check out a spa, I was a bit disappointed he said I, meaning I should go alone. I read into everything. I emailed him yesterday morning and just got an answer back now.

 

I like this guy, but I am so nervous about being burned again...This sounds weird, and maybe I am PMS-ing, but I am almost about to cry. WHen he didn't email or call me last night, I already think he is with someone else. I was actually in a bad mood last night because I didn't hear from him.

 

Anyone have any suggestions? I haven't been with anyone since my ex and I am ultra sensitive. I took a long time to heal alone, but don't want to get that sick feeling in my stomach. Im not ready to go out on the town, but like this guy because he actually found me on line....I didn't even have time to call/email him. Im so frightened of being disappointed/burned, I am having major anxiety. Its not good...brutal actually.

I feel like I am doing everything wrong, I want to answer emails, right away, not wait, be myself...I dunno, Im just spazzy!

 

New guy lives in NYC/Bermuda/lake district outside of Toronto. I live in Toronto

 

Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

[Stay_home]

Maybe now is not a really good time for you to date since you feel so vulnerable & sensitive, especially after the loss of your father and a relationship that went South. Obviously, you like the guy very much but if you're not feeling 100% about committing to anyone or anything at the moment I would just focus on trying to be friends and see where it could go from there.

 

Actually,

 

That's probably the most conducive personality (his shyness) to your state of mind because it means that he'll take things much slower and that can be to your benefit. He probably won't rush into trying to bed you or be emotional or as physical and in turn you can get to know him while at the same time continue to develop and get yourself back on your feet. So maybe this is a good positive sign. Everything happens for a reason and even a shy guy or a guy who just happens to be a shy, either one, if he's one woman's trash he can still be another woman's treasure. This seems like it could be a situation where it could be a good keep, think about it.

 

Good luck.

[sunnyv]

I would just take it slow and have fun. Have no expectations. You dine want super serious anyways right now. Just go with it if he doesn't email you back right away don't read into that. Its normal. Just go with it. Stay busy and appreciate when he does contact you. He's interested if he found your info online.

[blueyedblonde]

Wow. I can sympathize with you, because... well, what happened to me was very similar.

 

I caught my ex cheating in Sept '09. We lived together (I had moved in with him) and I left. When I calmed down and wanted to see if things could be worked out he didn't want to. Then he gave in (imagine?) but when I went back, I saw more of the disrepectful things he had said and done. I left again. I had to, but my heart wasnt done even though it should have been. I continued to contact him like a fool (because I thought I truly loved him) and I let him abuse me.

 

Less than two months after leaving him, my father was diagnosed with cancer....and less than two months after that (in Jan 2010) he was gone.

 

I too was Daddy's little girl. Not that my father had anything either... meaning I didn't get whatever I wanted. Cars, money, etc. But, his love was more than enough and all I ever needed. I miss my dad too dearly. A year to the day we buried him, I had my first dream of him (which I was waiting for). It was very clear and in it.. I was in his arms asking him not to leave me. Asking him not to go. He said he had to go be with God. He told me he loved me, but he had to leave. I was crying and I asked him to please send me a sign he was ok. Later.... friends and family told me "the dream WAS your sign."

 

Oh and I wish I could tell you my strength came right back. I mean, to trust again. Well, I did open myself up to the possibility again, but it didn't work out the way I had hoped. That is, I met another man after my father's death. Then recently .... (I am not proud to admit this) that cheating ex from before my dad's death.. he came back into my life. First he apologized for how he treated me...not wanting anything in return. Then, months later, we began to see one another again. It didn't take long for him to act like I knew he would. I suppose I just hoped for different. I cried one day, fearful he was going to hurt me as he had. I know, looking back, I was overreacting. However, you would think considering the pain he caused me, he would have been a little understanding. He wasn't. Insted, his attitude was "I dont need this."

 

The shame this time, is mine. The first time I was a victim.. this time, I was a volunteer.

 

I think you have to take a chance with other people (men). Otherwise, when the right one(s) do come into your life.. how will you know unless you let them in. Just proceed with caution. Take it slow. You and I will have a similar experience now.. that is, being weary that every man will hurt us. But, I know that I can not hold every man out there in contempt because my ex hurt me. It wouldnt be fair. However, I need to protect myself as you do. So I say just go slow. Get to know him..or anyone you meet for that matter, like I didnt do with my ex. Take time getting to know someone.

 

This man obviously showed interest in you! So dont panic if he doesnt respond right away. Dont assume the worst. That is just your past experience talking. Just relax... go on with your life...and in time you will hear from him. In time, once you get to know him a lot more... you could ask him to be patient with you. Tell him that you were once hurt and not treated so nice. But that's once you're much more aquainted. For now, just let it flow. Don't assume he is like your ex, or not interested.

 

I believe (I hope) that in time... our dads will put the right men in our lives. They loved us and wanted the best for us. So, remember if this one doesnt work out, your father just has something else in store for you.

[22n32]

Hey... Just be patient.. sounds he Def has intrest in u.. running a business myself we are really busy... Let him chase u..

 

This is just a warning. I'm not saying this guy is like this. Just seeing other big business man that live around the country and world..

 

They sometimes feel there above other soceity rules.. and having money gives them options..

 

Most big whale guys I know have gf or widest and some family at all the locations they live at..

 

They have resources to hide cover it up and make it happen. Hope u unddrstand what I'm saying this guy prob not like this. Just don't be clueless too it..

 

I'm around and do business with many of these people...

 

Goodluck...