KYRiverGrl Posted November 17, 2011 Author Share Posted November 17, 2011 I broke NC today. I emailed him, asking him how he is doing. He is fine ... he said it was great to hear from me. He wished me Happy Thanksgiving in advance ... which means that he does not intend to contact me any further. I am sad today. He emailed back wishing me happy holidays after I wished him so .... he said that it is a magical time and that we had fun, and that he'll be thinking of me. I won't respond to it because of the finality of it ... I danced with Death today. I do not know why I had such a strong urge to email him ... perhaps to know, for certain, how the holidays will be spent with her and not me .... she is a great cook and she'll create many delicious dinners for him ... I am an okay cook but she is a great cook ... I am sure she will do everything to please him, much more than I could. I had to remind myself how unhappy I was living with him, how he smothered me so, how he never listened to my emotional needs, how he never wanted to commit to me. I am envisioning the engagement ring she'll get for Christmas ... the engagement ring I never recieved. I also have to remind myself that in spite of all this I am every bit as good as she is, but she is better for him. I have never been married. I keep on telling myself all it is, is a stupid ring and a piece of paper ... that those things do not make us happy, that true happiness can only be found within. I am still looking for that ray of happiness ... right now I am sad because I will be spending Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year's alone -- for the first time in 11 years. I danced with Death today. Death ... the point of no return. I walk away from him slowly, toting my broken and bleeding heart with me, head hung low, but back straight. My head will eventually be held high, too. My heart will heal ... eventually. Now I look ahead and I see mountains that I must climb to get to my goal, a journey I must make alone. The Holidays are going to be rough. Link to comment
KYRiverGrl Posted November 20, 2011 Author Share Posted November 20, 2011 I will never break NC again! That was the biggest, most horrible mistake I have made in a long time. It is now Day 2 of NC, hopefully I'll stay strong this time and stick to it. It is hard though ... I still love him and it kills me thinking of him having fun with her, spending the holidays with her ... ugh. To anyone reading this thread ... by all means never break NC! Link to comment
KYRiverGrl Posted November 22, 2011 Author Share Posted November 22, 2011 I feel better today. Hopefully the better feeling will continue. It's been only 2 months so I know I will continue to experience the emotional roller-coasters for a while. However, I am going be become very busy by next week (will be working 57 hours a week+) so that will help Link to comment
abitbroken Posted November 22, 2011 Share Posted November 22, 2011 I am glad that you feel better - now stick to your healing. I had a decade or more long relationship end a few years ago, so know somewhat how you feel. Keep on putting one foot in front of the other Link to comment
KYRiverGrl Posted November 22, 2011 Author Share Posted November 22, 2011 Thank you abitbroken, I am doing my best Link to comment
KYRiverGrl Posted November 25, 2011 Author Share Posted November 25, 2011 Happy Thanksgiving everyone! I expected this to be a sad holiday, but instead it was the best Thanksgiving I have had in a long time I spent time with my family as myself, by myself, and had a great time. I went to my sister's house and ate like a pig, then went to my daughter's later and did the same Ex was not even on my mind. It was such a relief to enjoy myself as a single person. I feel that Christmas and New Year's will be the same, spent with family and/or friends, without having to worry about his * * * * * ing about all of the "running around" you have to do during the holidays. It's a blessing to have things to do and people to do them with. All he did was crab about it. I can say this is my first true post-breakup success story. There is life after the ex! A very, very good life Link to comment
KYRiverGrl Posted November 28, 2011 Author Share Posted November 28, 2011 Over the weekend, I did fine ... Thanksgiving was nice with family, Saturday night I went out w/a friend of mine and on our way back to my car a gaggle of young guys called us "MILFs" -- which was a big ego booster, lol. Then, Sunday night I went to Wal-Mart to get a pair of steel-toed shoes for work. A couple of lanes accross, I saw ex's car ... and OF COURSE I saw HER profile in the driver's seat (it was raining and nighttime, but of course it does not stop me from seeing her) That sunk me. I go out of my way to make sure I don't run into them and I do anyway. It's like the Universe is punishing me. It is not fair. Why does he get all the love and glory, and what makes her better than me? She is cool, smart and hip and I am a big nerd. I also have low confidence when it comes to leadership and success in general. She is an ugly bald * * * * * but she has him. And, the way she got him was totally nasty ... I confided in her as a friend and she used it against me, just to get to him. It sucks. It just sucks. And the * * * * * had the nerve to post on FB right after they returned that "life was very, very good." LOL There is a special place in hell for both of them ... ... and I am here alone in my apartment, 50 years old and single. I wish I was a guy. Being 50 does not seem to affect guys. Hell, ex is 60 ... he has women lining up for him. I wish I had guys lining up for me! I wish I was her ... she is so superior it seems ... I am the loser in this. She'll get that engagement ring for xmas and I will sit and cry for the next 6 months and wind up alone as a crazy cat lady while they ride high on their love cloud I don't know if anyone even reads this thread any more, but it just sucks. That is all. Link to comment
KYRiverGrl Posted December 3, 2011 Author Share Posted December 3, 2011 I have been extremely busy lately, which helps because it keeps my mind off of ex and his gf. He texted last night, asking about my new job. I explained it to him. It was late and I blew him off by telling him I was going to bed. He replied, "Stay in touch" ... lol. See, those kind of messages send mixed signals, at least to me. Why would he want to stay in touch with me after dumping me the way he did? Is is guilt? Is it because he wants to be friends in spite of it all? Is it because of the "Plan B" thing? It is so hard to tell. I never initiate contact, and really should not respond to his texts any more. It is hard though, because sometimes I do miss talking to him and it's nothing small talk. Still .... don't need to talk to him at all. Link to comment
coheedislame Posted December 4, 2011 Share Posted December 4, 2011 I feel for your pain. I feel you and I are in very similar situations emotionally. My ex is moving on with some new guy and I did not WANT TO KNOW A SINGLE THING ABOUT HIM. But without even seeking out this information, it has been hitting me in the face non-stop. I spotted her at school with him, and my cousin saw her with him at a bar not once but TWICE. So I know his name, what he looks like.... everything. And I HATE IT. I never wanted to know and I would never have asked either. Oh well, you're not alone in this. We broke up 3 months ago and I was a miserable depressing wreck for a solid week. Eventually I healed and got over it as we remained close and in contact. Now, she has found some new guy with whom she is moving EXTREMELY fast with. Only after 3 weeks she told me that she would consider him her boyfriend.... whatever, you're not alone in all this. I'm right here dealing with it to. Link to comment
KYRiverGrl Posted December 4, 2011 Author Share Posted December 4, 2011 It's always harder when there is a 3rd party involved Especially when you know who they are! (Ex's new gf was a mutual friend of ours). It's a good idea to cut contact with her so you can progress with your healing. It takes a while, especially after an LTR. (((hugs))) to you Link to comment
coheedislame Posted December 4, 2011 Share Posted December 4, 2011 It's always harder when there is a 3rd party involved Especially when you know who they are! (Ex's new gf was a mutual friend of ours). It's a good idea to cut contact with her so you can progress with your healing. It takes a while, especially after an LTR. (((hugs))) to you Thanks, yeah that 3rd person really complicates the hell out of things. But I feel I have to let her make her decisions no matter how stupid I think it is. I cannot tell you how many times we had conversations about her friends and how they would date guys and move real fast with new guys. And now, SHE'S DOING EXACTLY THAT. Its like "dont you see that you're doing what you're desperate * * * * ty friend does every couple months?" So much for wanting to be single to work on herself. She's so confused and I pity her in some ways. Because my mind is beginning to clear up and I feel hers is very clouded. Link to comment
KYRiverGrl Posted December 5, 2011 Author Share Posted December 5, 2011 Yeah, you have to honor her decision no matter how much you disagree with it Back in August I moved out from living with my ex because I needed to work things out with some space ... with no intention of starting a new relationship. It was he who, out of the blue (or perhaps some time before I moved, behind my back) decided to date someone else instead of working it out w/me (haha, w/o breaking up w/me first). It really sucks, but I have to honor his decision to do what he did and move on. It's so hard to get over a long relationship. Him being with someone else forced me to move on like it or not. Link to comment
KYRiverGrl Posted December 17, 2011 Author Share Posted December 17, 2011 Well, over the past week ex started texting me more and more, and Sunday night we both admitted that we missed and still loved each other. He told me that he was not happy with his new gf, that it was me that he loved. I told him that he'd have to break it off w/her if he wanted to see me. Come Thursday night he said he broke up with her, and I told him that I wanted to see him. However, he was evasive .... I told him that he could come to my mother's Christmas party and he said that people may be upset if he showed up. I told him I understood and that he did not have to come if he did not want to. He said he'd come ... but I had really weird vibes. Early this morning, I texted him telling him I loved him. He never replied back. He called me soon after I got home from work, telling me that he decided to stick it out with the gf. So, all he did was lead me on, string me along ... he must have had problems with her and decided to use me to keep her on her toes. I told him that I honored his choice, but also that I never wanted to talk to him again, that for him to never ask me back again, that he treated me like * * * * , that I never meant anything to him. I can't believe that I fell for that crap from him I took it hook, line and sinker. He told me that it was me that he loved, and once I caved he started pulling away. I must have cried for 2 solid hours tonight. I am back to square one. However, I did some things that I should have done in the first place. I rejoined FB, but I defriended and blocked both of them. So, I have have FB but not have to see their posts. I still have a few little gifts from him, those are going in the garbage tomorrow. I will never set foot in his church again. I am not going to talk about it to my friends any more ... I feel like a sack of * * * * again. For someone to have such little consideration for my feelings, to play with my heart like a cat does with a mouse, to use me as if I were a robot or computer just to get things right with his * * * * ing new girlfriend ... makes me feel useless, undesirable, inferior. Christmas is going to suck, New Year's is going to suck, at least for me. Life sucks, love sucks ... I suck That it all Link to comment
KYRiverGrl Posted December 19, 2011 Author Share Posted December 19, 2011 As much as that experience hurt, it was the best thing that ever happened to me. What he did killed any romantic feelings I have for him. I went out the next night with friends and had a blast. I am beginning to experience new things, and I know I'll never be bothered by him again Life is good. BTW, I am NOT inferior nor do I suck. I rock! Link to comment
KYRiverGrl Posted December 23, 2011 Author Share Posted December 23, 2011 Depressed tonight ... I know it's over ... the other day a friend told me she saw them giving each other a long kiss at church ... ugh ... so unfair that they are now flying high and I am sitting here depressed. I know I"ll eventually get over it, everyone gets over it, but I am bummed so bummed. What happened last week just brought them closer ... and it ended any chance of him getting back with me for good. It ... sucks. That is all Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted December 23, 2011 Share Posted December 23, 2011 You don't suck. He sucks. It's the classic "sweet talking both of them" sydrome where he was trying to have his cake and eat it too. I am glad for you though that it killed your romantic feelings for him. This is not the kind of man that you want in your life. Link to comment
lavenderdove Posted December 23, 2011 Share Posted December 23, 2011 Honey i think what you learned here is that people run true to form... he is doing to you what he did to his ex-wife, just repeating his patterns. He's obviously not someone who values fidelity and real commitment too highly if he took up with you while with his ex wife, and now takes up with someone else when with you. I think he doesn't like to be alone, so isn't honorable enough to NOT shop for a new woman on another woman's time. He makes sure he has a new one firmly in the barn before he dumps the old one. Relationships that start as affairs are usually founded on shaky ground for this reason. He will most likely spend his life trading in a woman every 5-10 years for a new woman, and your relationship just ran the same course as his marriage to his ex-wife did, trading in one woman for another when someone new caught his eye. Next time don't 'offer' yourself to a married man as a temptation (i.e., expressing feelings for him or agreeing to meet with him alone, even platonically, when he is married and should be devoted to his wife). You need to weed out men who are willing to behave this way, because it is not honorable, and you don't want to be a homewrecker again, because what happens in future is the guy does the same thing to you (which is exactly what happened, repeating his pattern). You want a man who believes in sticking in out and staying 100% true to his partner when he's with her rather than swapping her out for a new woman when the attraction arises while he is still with the old partner. Link to comment
KYRiverGrl Posted December 23, 2011 Author Share Posted December 23, 2011 You don't suck. He sucks. It's the classic "sweet talking both of them" sydrome where he was trying to have his cake and eat it too. I am glad for you though that it killed your romantic feelings for him. This is not the kind of man that you want in your life. I am glad, too, that I did not give in to seeing him. I am doing my best now to stop all thoughts of him. It's hard because I am telling myself to "stop!" every few minutes or so, haha. But it's the only way to move on ... to shut everything about him out of my life. Honey i think what you learned here is that people run true to form... he is doing to you what he did to his ex-wife, just repeating his patterns. He's obviously not someone who values fidelity and real commitment too highly if he took up with you while with his ex wife, and now takes up with someone else when with you. I think he doesn't like to be alone, so isn't honorable enough to NOT shop for a new woman on another woman's time. He makes sure he has a new one firmly in the barn before he dumps the old one. Relationships that start as affairs are usually founded on shaky ground for this reason. He will most likely spend his life trading in a woman every 5-10 years for a new woman, and your relationship just ran the same course as his marriage to his ex-wife did, trading in one woman for another when someone new caught his eye. Next time don't 'offer' yourself to a married man as a temptation (i.e., expressing feelings for him or agreeing to meet with him alone, even platonically, when he is married and should be devoted to his wife). You need to weed out men who are willing to behave this way, because it is not honorable, and you don't want to be a homewrecker again, because what happens in future is the guy does the same thing to you (which is exactly what happened, repeating his pattern). You want a man who believes in sticking in out and staying 100% true to his partner when he's with her rather than swapping her out for a new woman when the attraction arises while he is still with the old partner. Yes, I got what I deserved in this ... and I am okay with that. I certainly didn't intend to fall in love with a married man 12 years ago but it does not change the fact that what we both did was very wrong and like you said, dishonorable. Karma will eventually catch up with him as well. I think that I made progres when I refused to see him again unless he was available. What happened last week was an attempt at the proverbial "booty call." Once he found out I was not willing to see him while he was still with her he backed away. I will NEVER get involved with an involved person again. Sometime I am unsure if I ever want to date again! Broken hearts hurt too much! lol ... just kidding, someday I will date again. But it will be a while. I am doing things that I want to do, things that are helping me grow, hanging with people who care for me just for being me, and honorable people at that. Honorable is a good way to be Link to comment
KYRiverGrl Posted December 28, 2011 Author Share Posted December 28, 2011 Friday will mark 2 weeks of NC and I do feel better. The last time I cried my eyes out was on XMas Eve because I was alone in my apt all day. I went out w/a friend to a midnight candlelight service, then spent XMas out all day w/people ... first church, then my daughter's, then a sister's. I felt 100% better. I realized that being with people makes all the difference in the world. I also decided to stop feeding the anger and resentment and started reading the Abraham Hicks material. Good stuff. Manifesting what we really desire out of life really keeps our minds busy! I still feel sad over the breakup sometimes, and I still miss him sometimes, but doing things like this takes the edge off ... I know I'll heal as long as I don't contact him. Right now I have no desire to email him or anything. I just want to be as far away from him as possible. Link to comment
KYRiverGrl Posted December 31, 2011 Author Share Posted December 31, 2011 I had a real desire to email him yesterday apologizing for the harsh words I said to him ... then did the smart thing and called a friend who talked me out of it. He does not deserve an apology ... if anyone does, I do. I'll never get it ... and hopefully he'll never try to contact me again. I know it's over ... I am doing everything in my power to stick to strict NC. It is hard. I am having dreams about him again, this time the gf is not in them but she's in the background, and there is more of a distance between ex and me. That is telling me that the NC is working. I need to keep it up! Going past the 2 week mark was a real accomplishment for me. I know I can do this .... I have re-dedicated myself to meditating every morning when I get up. That is when I feel his thoughts about me the strongest, and my thoughts about him are the strongest as well. Don't know why they pop up in the morning. The meditation helps. I have my grand daugther over this weekend, and I am watching the ball drop with my daugther and her family. That helps, too. I certainly don't need to spend NYE by myself this year! It helps so much to be around people, and to reach out to trusted friends and family members when I am feeling weak. I know many of you here can attest to that because you all's are going through similar situations. Happy New Year everyone! Link to comment
KYRiverGrl Posted January 16, 2012 Author Share Posted January 16, 2012 It's been a month of NC. Before I know it, it'll be six months NC and a year or more NC. Everyone keep on keepin' on with the NC! Link to comment
Bandit32 Posted January 17, 2012 Share Posted January 17, 2012 hello here, i just registered after reading this hole thread of yours, sorry for my bad english but i am from europe... i have been reading these kind of foruns but never had the guts of registering, actually i would be ashamed if my ex or any of my friends knew this good to see your are moving on, instead of me who is out of a relationship of 11years as well and 3 months passed since break up and i stuck in this and tired of it. the reasons were quite different but i felt your 11year pain and the up`s and downs of emotions i feel every single day i wish i had your strengh after 1 month NC and feel great just like you Link to comment
KYRiverGrl Posted January 17, 2012 Author Share Posted January 17, 2012 hello here, i just registered after reading this hole thread of yours, sorry for my bad english but i am from europe... i have been reading these kind of foruns but never had the guts of registering, actually i would be ashamed if my ex or any of my friends knew this good to see your are moving on, instead of me who is out of a relationship of 11years as well and 3 months passed since break up and i stuck in this and tired of it. the reasons were quite different but i felt your 11year pain and the up`s and downs of emotions i feel every single day i wish i had your strengh after 1 month NC and feel great just like you That huge "slap in the face" I recieved last month was plenty of incentive to leave it all behind me and move on. I do feel pretty good right now because I know it's over ... you'll get to that point. I don't know your story, but sticking to NC and working on yourself and any issues that you may have (and I have tons of them to work through) will bring the quickest and best healing. I have a long way to go till I am totally healed but I know in my gut that I am on the right path. Listening to your gut, reaching out to friends and/or this forum, and not contacting your ex will give you lots of strength. Good luck! Link to comment
Bandit32 Posted January 18, 2012 Share Posted January 18, 2012 That huge "slap in the face" I recieved last month was plenty of incentive to leave it all behind me and move on. I do feel pretty good right now because I know it's over ... you'll get to that point. I don't know your story, but sticking to NC and working on yourself and any issues that you may have (and I have tons of them to work through) will bring the quickest and best healing. I have a long way to go till I am totally healed but I know in my gut that I am on the right path. Listening to your gut, reaching out to friends and/or this forum, and not contacting your ex will give you lots of strength. Good luck! just as i was quite proud of my NC, and as always she contacted me today by mobile phone chat, very polite, very distant, just to ask me a couple of things of something i sold her in the last days we where together and sent me kisses, then by curiosity checked her FB and saw a bunch of sad songs, and a post that said something like this a book everyone will read sooner or later, the name of the book " how to forget the person we love"... tired of these mixed signals she gives to me anyway everytime i see that she is suffering or her life is not as good as i expected ....i feel great.... i know this is an illusion but what the hell...at least it boosts me for the rest of the day Link to comment
KYRiverGrl Posted January 18, 2012 Author Share Posted January 18, 2012 just as i was quite proud of my NC, and as always she contacted me today by mobile phone chat, very polite, very distant, just to ask me a couple of things of something i sold her in the last days we where together and sent me kisses, then by curiosity checked her FB and saw a bunch of sad songs, and a post that said something like this a book everyone will read sooner or later, the name of the book " how to forget the person we love"... tired of these mixed signals she gives to me anyway everytime i see that she is suffering or her life is not as good as i expected ....i feel great.... i know this is an illusion but what the hell...at least it boosts me for the rest of the day Ending such a long relationship is hard on both dumper and dumpee. I am sure she misses you too, but the relationship ran its course and it's good you have made the decision to stick to your NC and move on. I suggest deleting and blocking her from your FB so you're not tempted to snoop. Seeing her FB wall will only delay your healing. I am glad you're feeling better! Link to comment
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