11 + -year relationship ended a month ago -- my story

[KYRiverGrl]

Hello all, this is a very nice forum. It is good to see that I am not alone in this.

 

My 11 + -year relationship ended about a month ago. Back in 1999, a friend of mine at work and I decided that we liked each other. He was married, and I told him that I liked him but knew he was not available and wanted him to tell me that yes, he was married. HOWEVER, he told me that he liked me too ... and the craziness began. He eventually left his marriage to be with me, which I have always felt guilty about. We moved in together in 2001.

 

Once I started living with him, he changed. He was so nice and perfect before, then he started becoming controlling, he'd snap at me for the stupidest reasons, he would get all bent out of shape if I got my hair fixed the way he did not like it. He was very good to me in many ways -- he never ignored me, he always bought nice gifts when we were out, we always had a good time during vacations and we had great sex. However, he never breached the subject of marriage. When I brought it up he'd either brush it off or get nasty. It was like everything had to be on his terms, my needs be damned. He did not get along with my daughter and she eventually moved out. I almost left in 2004, but he talked me into staying. I was in bad shape financially and could not afford to anyway -- I was dependent upon him because of my own lack of monetary discpline.

 

By the beginning of this year I had enough. I began the process of getting out of the house. I was looking at apartments, etc, and became much more money-savvy ;-) Back in the summer I told him that if we don't get married by the end of the year I was leaving -- and at first he seemed pretty understanding about it, then when I breached the subject again he began to cry and begged me not to leave. He then said that we would get married by the end of the year. I told him okay ... but thought about it for a couple of days and realized that he really did not want to get married -- he was just trying to get me to stay. I knew that the controlling-ness and emotional indifference was not going to change either. I needed to sort things out, which required space. So, I told him I was moving. He got very upset and told me that I was the only one he ever loved; that no one would love me the way he did. When I moved I gave him the option of staying together and he said yes. We dated for a couple of weeks and it was really nice ... I had the space that I needed and I still had him.

 

At the end of September he went to Virginia Beach with a friend of ours, to get a Hypnotherapy certification. I had no problem with him going with her ... we were all friends. A couple of days after he left he quit calling me. I panicked and tried to reach him to no avail. I had a sinking feeling in my stomach that something was going on between them but brushed it off, thinking my imagination was running overtime. When he got back he finally called me and we went out to dinner the next evening. I asked him why he did not call or return my calls, and he said that it was because I left and that I would not be there when he returned. I asked about our friend -- did anything happen between them? He said no ... and I started crying and told him that I was sorry I hurt him. I left for home. He did not call me back. I few days later our "friend" called me and informed me that her and him were dating. I was stunned and did not know what to say.

 

I emailed him the next morning asking why he did not tell me about this, and if he was so unhappy about me moving why didn't he break it off before dating her??? He said he didn't want to hurt me, lol. Hah, what he did -- the lying, the evasiveness, the dumping me like a dog he did not want anymore, the utter betrayal -- hurt 10X more than breaking it off would have. Then, I let loose and cryed my eyes out in the bathroom downstairs (I was at work). He treated me with such disrespect by dumping me for her ... I understand why he'd want to move on but damn he moved on so quickly ... I so hate what he did. My emotions went up and down, and I emailed him telling him that I understood why he'd did what he did, but he handled it horribly. I also emailed his new gf and wished them luck. I tried my best to be as spiritual as possible, but I was also feeling very hurt and bitter.

 

FB ... lol ... I kept on going to his page and her page. As of last week he still had our pics from over the years posted on his page. I decided to deactivate my FB account so I would not go there again. He is no longer a contact on my phone and email. I no longer go to the church where he goes to, and I can pat myself on the back because I have been able to resist the temptation to call, text and email him. Going off of FB helped alot. He did text me the other day at work about a friend who died suddenly. We texted for about an hour, he asked me how I was. I told him fine ... of course him texting me gave false hopes that he's thinking about me ... lol

 

Maybe he does think about me, and I think about him constantly. I know that it is over, but my heart still yearns for him. I know that my heart will eventually forget ... but no one can get over an 11-year relationship in a month. Bastard, he has that new gf. He did not even have the inconvenience of changing his FB status to "single" ... he went straight from me to her. It is also funny that, over the past 6 months or so, she began hanging out with us on a regular basis. I am thinking now that something has been going on with them for some time. That hurts, too. Hurts becasue it was totally under my nose. I know that in many ways I had to coming karmically because I broke his marriage up I learned my lesson ... ugh .... what a fool I was.

 

That is my story. Sorry for the book! lol I know I will be okay but I still miss him horribly. I have lost about 20 lbs since the breakup because for a while my appetite went kaput. I am wearing jeans and slacks that I have not been able to get into for the past few years. That is one good thing about it, I guess!

[Furtive]

I read your story, and all I can say is that if he did it once, he'd do it again. Sorry that it lasted such a long time before it happened, well, that you know of.

 

You were forming your independence with your renewed interest in finances, and you took the move to break away and limit things. Be proud of yourself, and had he not married you, which I think you know he wouldn't have anyways, you'd be in the same position now.

 

Don't get so depressed, there are other fish in the sea. It's be a different story (didn't gather you did from what you wrote) if you had children together, but you don't. Also, don't let this be an excuse to let yourself get unhealthy. If anything, it's a reason to eat right and hit the gym, and look for your true Mr. Right.

 

In this situation, you're the better person, that has to count for something. Follow the rules of these boards! No contact, ever! That feeling and how it ripped you apart will stay fresh until you finally let go, you need to not talk to this loser under any circumstances!

 

You'll be fine!

[KYRiverGrl]

Thank you Furtive! Yes, I was utterly dependent upon him which is always an unhappy situation. He kind of enjoyed that in a sick way because my being financially dependent kept me there.

 

I did join a dating website, talked to a couple of guys, but I am not ready to date yet. I know better than to jump into a new relationship now. The only relationship I need is the one with ME He is a fool for jumping into this relationship. It can't help but become extremely dysfunctional. He has baggage from our relationship as well as the others that he refused to give time to recover from.

 

Depression is part of the process because unraveling that bond is like tearing a limb off of our bodies ;-) I know that I am much better off without him ... and yes I totally agree with the NC thing. I do not try to contact him. For the most part he has not contacted me either. At first, that was very hard to deal with becasue for 11 years he always called or emailed me -- often several times a day. I am just now getting used to him not talking to me. For the first several weeks it was very rough.

 

I am very proud of myself for what I have done. I am 50 years old ... haha ... time to focus on me. We did not have any children together. My only child is 26.

 

At first, I thought I made a mistake by moving here. I know, intuitively, that I would lose him once his control of the relationship ended. Moving here relinquished his control. I missed him so so much, and still do (however that is beginning to fade). I no longer feel I made a mistake by moving here. I love my apartment and it has a great view of the Ohio River -- a big plus.

 

I have weight equipment in my apt, and workout tapes. Yep, need to hit them ... I have been eating better the past couple of weeks which is a good sign that I am recovering. For the first couple of weeks I literally had to force food down my throat.

 

I will be fine ... I am fine!!!! Hurting still, but fine. I know my next relationship will be a HEALTHY one because I am giving myself time to release all of that toxic baggage!

[Pixiedoc]

Hi KYRiverGirl - what a very honest thread you have posted You say it all really, there were many signs that things were not working out, not least that your daughter did not get on with him. Very bad. You did make the first move, because it was the right thing to do, but his tears etc seem, in retrospect, to be a little unsincere if he moved on so quickly. The bereavement process when our relationships break up last up to 18 months, and you are doing really well right now. I agree totally with Furtive, that you should be proud of yourself. Freedom is always a million % better than control

[KYRiverGrl]

Hi KYRiverGirl - what a very honest thread you have posted You say it all really, there were many signs that things were not working out, not least that your daughter did not get on with him. Very bad. You did make the first move, because it was the right thing to do, but his tears etc seem, in retrospect, to be a little unsincere if he moved on so quickly. The bereavement process when our relationships break up last up to 18 months, and you are doing really well right now. I agree totally with Furtive, that you should be proud of yourself. Freedom is always a million % better than control

 

Pixiedoc,

 

The tears he cried were definitely crocodile tears!

 

Freedom is good. There is a saying that freedom is another word for nothing left to lose ... but having nothing is better than being in prison. That is what his house was ... a cushy prison.

 

I go between envying the person he's with now, and feeling sorry for her because he'll pull the same crap on her once the flush of new romance fades. Even if they wind up getting married eventually, she will still have to deal with all of that un-healed baggage from him. Bon appetite, I say

[Pixiedoc]

Pixiedoc,

 

The tears he cried were definitely crocodile tears!

 

Freedom is good. There is a saying that freedom is another word for nothing left to lose ... but having nothing is better than being in prison. That is what his house was ... a cushy prison.

 

I go between envying the person he's with now, and feeling sorry for her because he'll pull the same crap on her once the flush of new romance fades. Even if they wind up getting married eventually, she will still have to deal with all of that un-healed baggage from him. Bon appetite, I say

 

Interesting choice of words - 'un-healed baggage' Everyone has the chance to move on from their past and stop using it as an excuse to make others unhappy - he obviously did not. On the other hand, you can, and should, run, and find someone who will value you for the person you are and offer a 50/50 relationship - good luck

[why do we]

I think what you did was the right thing to do, if he didn't want to get married for so many years, would you really be happy to stay?

This thing has run it's course unfortunately, so it doesn't really matter how it ended, it's nearly always ugly anyway, but hopefully there are some great things to happen in the future!

[KYRiverGrl]

Interesting choice of words - 'un-healed baggage' Everyone has the chance to move on from their past and stop using it as an excuse to make others unhappy - he obviously did not. On the other hand, you can, and should, run, and find someone who will value you for the person you are and offer a 50/50 relationship - good luck

I know that the right one will happen. That is, as long as I allow myself time to heal and love myself single

 

I think what you did was the right thing to do, if he didn't want to get married for so many years, would you really be happy to stay?

This thing has run it's course unfortunately, so it doesn't really matter how it ended, it's nearly always ugly anyway, but hopefully there are some great things to happen in the future!

It has definitely run its course -- good riddance! Healing is happening now, which by itself is a great thing. Frankly, I don't know if I would have been happy with him even if we got married!

[KYRiverGrl]

Yesterday he broke NC by texting me asking me how I was doing. I texted back .. and we exchanged texts (small talk) for about an hour and a half. I had trouble sleeping last night and had a couple of dreams about him. Today was Halloween and I got really depressed. Talked to one of my sisters and feel better. Next time he texts me I should tell him to stop, that I don't want to speak to him (at least I don't want to want to speak to him). Emotions like a Duncan yo-yo now.

 

It sucks that even though the relationship ended because it was toxic, I still miss the bastard. It just does not make sense. lol.

[KYRiverGrl]

Yesterday I had a really good day, I was reading "Radical Forgiveness" by Colin Tipping and it makes sense that everything is in divine order. Then, this morning I woke up depressed and crying When will it end? I so want to move on because I know he's not coming back. He has not texted me since Sunday. Part of me hopes that he'll call and tell me that he loves me, not her and he wants us back together ... and the other part does not ever want to speak to him again. This sucks. I hate feeling like this. My emotions are so up and down. I don't want to feel like this for months or years. I am not ready to date anyone yet, because I know I'd just use any guy as a rebound and I don't want that. It seems so unfair that he was able to move on instantly to this woman but I am alone and crying. Or, at least crying sometimes. It sucks!

 

I do not have his number or email address on my phone and computer so I won't get tempted to call or email him. NC does work but only if ex does not try to contact me! I was doing great until Sunday when he texted me out of the blue. I have been praying he does not do it again, so I can heal and move on to find the life and love that I deserve. I know the first step is loving myself unconditionally. I do love myself, but from being dumped like this my self-esteem regarding being desirable to men is in tatters. Ugh, I hate that bastard right now. Yesterday I was all spiritual and forgiving ... I wish that I would stay in that place. It's alot more pleasant than depression, anger and crying. Ugh!

[Tanzi]

He cheated on his wife with you, he cheated on you with a mutual friend .... I think we know where his current relationship is going to go.

[KYRiverGrl]

He cheated on his wife with you, he cheated on you with a mutual friend .... I think we know where his current relationship is going to go.

 

I know. What sucks is that, he'll have someone else waiting in the wings for him ... or even worse, he'll wind up marrying the woman he's with now. That would kill me. I keep on telling myself that he'll never change. He is concerned with his needs only. He does not care whom he hurts.

 

I still love and miss him. He does not deserve that consideration at all. I am really pissed at myself that I still feel this way, considering what he has done to me. I hope and pray that he never tries to contact me again. Because, when he does it gives false hope ... false hope is the devil.

 

If he texts me again I should not answer it, but delete it immediately. I.so.need.to.move.on.from.this. I know it takes months, but frankly I don't know if I can stand this emotional swinging for much longer! Ugh

[Tanzi]

Well, I guess right now it is no consolation that this new relationship may end much the same way as his previous ones. "Right now" is what is hurting you and right now he is with someone else. All I can say is that I have been where you are. My husband left me for someone else (they are no longer together) and as devastated as I was, I did get over it. Now I am in a "new" relationship and happier than ever. It will come to you also. This guy is a serial cheater who doesn't value relationships and he certain didn't value you as a person, or his ex-wife. At least be glad that this happened before you married him.

[KYRiverGrl]

Well, I guess right now it is no consolation that this new relationship may end much the same way as his previous ones. "Right now" is what is hurting you and right now he is with someone else. All I can say is that I have been where you are. My husband left me for someone else (they are no longer together) and as devastated as I was, I did get over it. Now I am in a "new" relationship and happier than ever. It will come to you also. This guy is a serial cheater who doesn't value relationships and he certain didn't value you as a person, or his ex-wife. At least be glad that this happened before you married him.

 

Nothing consoles permanently right now. I know the time will come when I will rise above it. I do know that the possibility is high that even if he marries this chick, it will end like it did with me. It's just the thought of him marrying her after I begged and pleaded for 11 years only to get rejected until it was too late. Of course that has not happened yet and it may not happen. I am still stinging over him choosing her over me (despite the fact that he chose me over his ex-wife).

 

It is good news that you got over what happened between your ex and that you have someone else and are happy It gives me hope! lol. I am 50 years old and hope that I can find someone else who will appreciate me the way I deserve to be. Of course, happiness comes from within ... no one else can give that to us. However, it's nice to have someone around who appreciates us and will commit to being with us and not cheat!

 

Ex valued the relationship, it was me he did not deeply value. He can't stand to be alone. That is why he goes from relationship to relationship trying to find happiness ... he does not bother to look within for it. It's ironic because he's a minister and is supposed to be a spiritual person. Spirituality (not relgion) teaches us to look within for happiness. Right now I'm looking! lol I know it's there ... it is just getting over the slimey bastard! lol

[preoccupied]

Oh KYRivergirl, You and I sound like we're in exactly the same place in how we feel about our ex's and the lying and cheating that's gone on, plus the rollercoaster of emotions which come along afterwards. I still don't know hot to deal with the ups and downs, I like the ups when I'm feeling strong. The downs knock me for six and make me feel incredibly crazy.

 

I can't offer any words of advice, I am looking for them myself. I seek solace in wine on an evening which makes me sleep when I feel really down, but that doesn't stop the dreams.

[KYRiverGrl]

Oh KYRivergirl, You and I sound like we're in exactly the same place in how we feel about our ex's and the lying and cheating that's gone on, plus the rollercoaster of emotions which come along afterwards. I still don't know hot to deal with the ups and downs, I like the ups when I'm feeling strong. The downs knock me for six and make me feel incredibly crazy.

 

I can't offer any words of advice, I am looking for them myself. I seek solace in wine on an evening which makes me sleep when I feel really down, but that doesn't stop the dreams.

 

I totally hate the emotional ups and downs. I feel really strong when I am "up" -- yesterday I felt like I was finally over it I felt so good. Then today I woke up crying ...

 

I guess the only thing we can do is give it time. I am not drinking any alcoholic beverages right now because that makes it worse ;-) (At least for me). Sometimes reading books like Radical Forgiveness and Loving What Is helps ... or at least it helps for a day or so. I have alot of supportive friends who have talked to me about this. Of course you can talk about it only so long before sounding like a broken record. The biggest issue is, his church is my church and there are some certain leaders who are supportive of him and his new gf. Like my relationship with him never existed nor was important, lol. It makes my heart crack when I think of them together, when I used to hang with them. It makes me realize those people were not my true friends. I have my own friends there too, but it is hard setting foot in there seeing ex and new gf together ... life sucks right now. I know it's the same for you.

 

Are you divorced or broken up? How long was your relationship, and how long ago did the split occur?

[Tanzi]

I would like to say that I would be surprised if he rushed into marriage after what has happened with his past relationships but, well, from my own experiences nothing surprises me in the true sense of the word anymore.

 

You know, your ex sounds like my ex-husband. I agree that happiness comes from within and I have often thought the same of my ex-husband ... that he is failing to look within himself so he continues to jump from relationship to relationship in the hope that he will find happiness that way. When I met him he had already been engaged 3 times. Nevertheless I trusted his reasons and entered into a relationship with him, married him and bore him 3 children. After 13 years together he left me for someone else. They moved in together but eventually they split. In a matter of weeks he had met and moved in with someone else. In fact they became engaged after two weeks .. TWO WEEKS!! That also ended and he is yet again living with someone else. To date he has been engaged 5 times and lived with 7 partners. Honestly if someone can't be by themselves and just continuously jumps from one relationship to another then they aren't giving themselves the opportunity to find real happiness. At least that is something you have the chance to do.

[KYRiverGrl]

Yes, I am going through pure hell right now, with the hopes that I can heal completely from that experience and enter the next relationship with a spiritually, mentally, emotionally healthy man.

 

I feel that he could rush into marrying her because of the people around him ... they knew I moved out on him but I don't think they also realize that we agreed to stay together while I sorted things out. So ... they are feeding into the fantasy. Sometimes churches can be the most UN-spiritual places on earth.

[Tanzi]

Well if he allows people to rush him into a marriage then more fool him! Do you really want someone who can't make up his own mind or who makes the wrong choices for all the wrong reasons? Lets not also forget that this is also a man who is prepared to cheat and who became nasty and controlling (as you said at the beginning) when you did finally move in with him. You can have a whole lot better.

[KYRiverGrl]

Well if he allows people to rush him into a marriage then more fool him! Do you really want someone who can't make up his own mind or who makes the wrong choices for all the wrong reasons? Lets not also forget that this is also a man who is prepared to cheat and who became nasty and controlling (as you said at the beginning) when you did finally move in with him. You can have a whole lot better.

 

I try to believe that ... I know that it is true, it's just getting over the "I'm 50 and just got dumped for someone else" thing. Sucks that he is 60 and has such an easy time finding people. I guess because so many of us are willing to put up with * * * * for awhile, and he puts on a really good show to prove how much of a "nice guy" he is ... and women eat it up. Women hit on him constantly while we were together.

 

He is controlling. Controlling, and insecure. When we were together he'd ask me, numerous times, if I was happy. He'd say he loved me 20x+ per day ... which I know now were empty statements. Everything that comes out of his mouth are lies.

 

I will keep my hopes up that there is someone out there for me, someone who is spiritual, intelligent and someone who would give me space and committment. I think you need both of those components to make a relationship successful. However, what do I know? I have never been in a successful relationship my entire life, lol. I do know what would make relationships not successful! hah

[Tanzi]

I will keep my hopes up that there is someone out there for me, someone who is spiritual, intelligent and someone who would give me space and committment. I think you need both of those components to make a relationship successful. However, what do I know? I have never been in a successful relationship my entire life, lol. I do know what would make relationships not successful! hah

 

There is someone out there for you but it takes time to meet that special person so you just have to have faith. I didn't think that anyone would want to get involved with a single mother of 3, especially as my youngest had only just turned 2 and my eldest was just hitting those tough teenage years, but I have found someone very special who has helped restore my faith in relationships and in men. We have both the components you mentioned above. We see each other from Friday through to Monday morning but we spend the days in between apart. He leaves me to my family routine. Sometimes we see each other during the week but mostly we save it for the weekends. He knows that I have commitments and that I need that time with my girls and, well, it works for us.

[KYRiverGrl]

There is someone out there for you but it takes time to meet that special person so you just have to have faith. I didn't think that anyone would want to get involved with a single mother of 3, especially as my youngest had only just turned 2 and my eldest was just hitting those tough teenage years, but I have found someone very special who has helped restore my faith in relationships and in men. We have both the components you mentioned above. We see each other from Friday through to Monday morning but we spend the days in between apart. He leaves me to my family routine. Sometimes we see each other during the week but mostly we save it for the weekends. He knows that I have commitments and that I need that time with my girls and, well, it works for us.

 

That is awesome, a-little-blue I don't have any children at home (daughter is 26 and lives away) but still you need space to do your own thing whether you have kids or not. Insecure people like the ex do not understand that -- they think "space" = "cheating" or worse, that it gives them license to cheat themselves. He is a fool and he is going to die alone, in a nursing home, slobbering down his chin and crapping in his diaper, without any visitors, because of the way he does people.

[preoccupied]

Ha ha, and he'll have my ex for company!! Know exactly what you mean about how insecure people do not understand what space is for, describes my ex too!

 

Glad you sound happier in your last post - we need laughter as much as we need the tears! I'm better today too for some reason.

[preoccupied]

I totally hate the emotional ups and downs. I feel really strong when I am "up" -- yesterday I felt like I was finally over it I felt so good. Then today I woke up crying ...

 

life sucks right now. I know it's the same for you.

 

Are you divorced or broken up? How long was your relationship, and how long ago did the split occur?

 

Yesterday I had a really bad day, couldn't stop thinking about the good times we'd had and what a great guy he could be if he wanted to, I was so angry that he'd thrown it all away, today I feel fine and happy that I am rid of the millstone he was round my neck! Go figure - I wish I knew when the sad days were due so I could plan accordingly however, I'm spending today re-doing all the work I did yesterday because yesterday I couldn't think straight.

 

I am broken up, end of a 6 year relationship where we lived together for the past 3 years. He was a weak stupid fool. His defence for cheating is that he 'fell for the first bit of gentleness. softness and affection that came his way'. He had all that with me but chose to become distant whilst still using slick words to tell me he loved me, that he wanted to sort it out etc etc

[KYRiverGrl]

Ha ha, and he'll have my ex for company!! Know exactly what you mean about how insecure people do not understand what space is for, describes my ex too!

 

Glad you sound happier in your last post - we need laughter as much as we need the tears! I'm better today too for some reason.

 

They'll have matching geri-chairs And sit next to each other! Every lonely day ...

 

I feel alot better today because I remembered how much of a worthless, cheating, lying sack of * * * * he is. I do NOT need someone like that in my life; no one does.

 

Yesterday I had a really bad day, couldn't stop thinking about the good times we'd had and what a great guy he could be if he wanted to, I was so angry that he'd thrown it all away, today I feel fine and happy that I am rid of the millstone he was round my neck! Go figure - I wish I knew when the sad days were due so I could plan accordingly however, I'm spending today re-doing all the work I did yesterday because yesterday I couldn't think straight.

 

I am broken up, end of a 6 year relationship where we lived together for the past 3 years. He was a weak stupid fool. His defence for cheating is that he 'fell for the first bit of gentleness. softness and affection that came his way'. He had all that with me but chose to become distant whilst still using slick words to tell me he loved me, that he wanted to sort it out etc etc

 

Ha, my ex told me that he loved me multiple times a day .... even during the last 6 months when the woman he's with now suddenly started hanging around with us. These guys are millstones! They do not deserve love and affection from anyone because all they do is use people for their own gain.

 

I get angry when I think about the 11 years of my life that I wasted with the bastard. However, I can chalk down the lessons that I learned during that time. One of them is ... happiness comes from within, and no one who disrespects and betrays us deserves our time and affection. We can love them (as souls) from a distance ... a LONG distance, lol ... but they do NOT deserve our time. We deserve much, much better!