Feeling low today :-( All my friends in LTR or married already...

[Destiny2112]

I don't know, I'm feeling low today...

 

My ex left me for someone else last year and married her after only a couple of months together...

 

I'm 27 now and almost all of my friends are either in LTR (and pregnant) or got married already and are pregnant...

 

I don't know, it makes me wonder if I'll ever find "the one" for me, I'm feeling a bit "pessimistic" lately... I just envy my friends right now... Of course, I'm happy for them and I know I'm still young and my time simply hasn't come yet... I don't know, what's "wrong" with me lately, I haven't felt ready to get married yet, although my ex felt like the right person to marry, but we had a LDR so getting married was not an option until my studies would be finished and we would be able to finally move together, end of this year... well, then he left me for a coworker and got engaged within a few months

 

These days are just not so easy for me as I have to study a lot for my final exams end of November and I'm feeling down a lot lately... missing my ex more again and envying him for having the time of his life with his wife now Stupid thought, I know

 

Can anyone relate to the way I feel? Or does anybody have some encouraging words for me??

[lavenderdove]

First, you need to really work on putting your ex in the past rather than keeping him alive in your mind. He's been gone a year and is married to someone else, so even wasting one minute thinking about him and what he's doing and envying him is a serious waste of time and will only depress you. Google 'thought stopping' and start practicing it to eliminate him from your thoughts.

 

People often grieve giving up the 'dream' as much as they do the person... so you'd tied him in your head to future hopes for a family and life together, but it just didn't work out. It's like spending a lot of time mourning and thinking about a house you wanted to buy but the deal feel thru, missing that house, wishing you were there, imaging how happy the people who live there now instead must be etc. None of that is productive or healthy for you and is just a way of avoiding taking responsibility for your life and making yourself let go and move on. You wouldn't spend years pining for a house you didn't get because that is just impractical and a waste, and you have to look at your ex like that, he was a deal that feel thru, but there are a million other potential men in the world in the same way there are millions of other houses too.

 

So your task becomes about getting out and finding that new man and looking for him in the same way you'd keep looking for another house. It doesn't pay to envy other people their houses or men or their lives. Again, a waste of time that just depresses you and doesn't bring you any closer to getting what you want and need for yourself. So you have to use thought stopping to stop dwelling on negative things and envying other people, and instead start working on getting your life to get what you want for yourself.

 

So you need to not indulge negative thoughts and instead start making a plan for meeting new people, getting out and doing the fun things that a single person can do, that they won't be able to do once you do get married and have kids (and odds are very high you will since very few people never get married and most of those don't marry because they don't want to).

 

So rather than dwelling on the past, get some new hobbies and things to do that will get you out and meeting people, and do online dating if you can't meeet a lot of people easily. Don't look at any one person as you 'must' have them, but date a lot of people, just try them out, and look at it seriously like you are weeding out those who don't match and keep moving to the next one. The more you date the better your chances of finding a match. Join a gym, go back to school, join a club, do things that get you out and living life rather than living your life in the past or spending hours envying other people. Other people's lives always look great from the outside looking in, but everyone has their own challenges.

 

Those friends you have now who are pregnant will in a few years be envying their single friends again when they are mired in the routine and being tied down and unable to even take a shower without a kid crying and tearing up the house etc. and they never get out or have romantic weekends anymore etc. There are good and bad things about everything in life, and you can't cherry pick and imagine things are wonderful for everyone but you. Everyone's lives cycle and there are good and bad things about various stages, and the happiest people are those who reach out and do what it takes to get for themselves what they need rather than raking endlessly over the past and things that didn't turn out the way they wanted, or envying other people.

 

So you have to look at both dwelling on your ex and envying other people as toxic habits that are keeping you down and keeping you from dwelling on positive things, and fight them with thought stopping and getting yourself together and out of the house doing positive things. Focus on the future and not the past, and focus on making your present as happy as possible by staying active and being positive, and you will be happier and meet your goals.

[sunnyv]

That was a beautiful post. Thank you. It can be applied to many different situations

[SVin06]

Agreed...well said.

[sadchick83]

Lavenderdove, well done. I cannot agree with you more. I am in my hermit stage..... Happy to be single and recovering from BU and the death of my father. I really have healed from the BU, and LD is completely right--You HAVE to let go of your ex.

 

I've let go and just last weekend a guy approached me while I was jogging in the middle of nowhere-- I hadn't washed my hair in 4 days, no make up, but I was smiling. We chatted and have exchanged emails all week. This guy is 1000% better than my ex, and is soooo nice. I must have been sending out an "approach me" vibe, because he said he has seen me all summer and lives a few doors down from me at my mothers's summer home. Maybe I was frowning in July??

 

Not sure why, but when a new better guy comes in to the scene, it is like drinking an espresso...You just snap out of it--the depression that is.

 

Please believe me Destiny. You will be happy again if you mentally drop this guy, and do some personal healing. I thought there was no way I could meet someone since I never go out anymore....you can do it, you real can. I can turn my situation around, anyone can.

 

BTW, you are only 27-- you are so young!!!

[Destiny2112]

Thanks LD for your great post! It's so so true and I know, you are absolutely, 100% right with every word you say and I know I need to work on my mindset...and I need to stop those negative thoughts that only bring me down and don't do me any good at all...I'm only hurting myself with these thoughts, I know

 

Thanks for your words, sadchick! Your story really encourages me I really have to work on this thought stopping method to finally, finally get him out of my mind completely in order to finally see the positives about being single and the new chances and oportunities this status brings along I wish you all the best for you and your new guy;-)

 

Thank you!!