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Feels like im her last resort...


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Basically my girlfriend and i have been going out (officially) for just over a month. Things have been going great but i really feel like i am her last resort. She is always busy doing things with friends and it feels like she makes no time for me.

So my question is how can i talk to her about this in a good, non-accusatory way?

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If she's not making you priority, she's telling you how important you are to her.


By all means talk to her about it, but remember you're asking her to change something that comes naturally to her.


I don't know how your girl responds to talking, and after a month I'm not sure you do either. But instead of bringing it up, I'd suggest you stop making her priority instead. If you can be indifferent about it, I'd back off and do your own thing. There's a lot of stock in the saying - don't make someone a priority who makes you an option.

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If you are last on her priority list then you are simply there so a) she can say she had a boyfriend and b0 she has someone to go out with when her friends are not available.


However, - make sure that what you expect is reasonable - she does have the right to spend sometime with her friends.


If you don't like being in that position then move on. There is no point being with someone who doesn't care enough about you.

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You can't talk someone into wanting something. You can, however, question why you'd want to pursue anyone who doesn't want time with you.


I'd do the opposite of talk, I'd pull back and observe. This would give me important information that otherwise can't be gained. If I stop doing all the work, how often will GF step up to pick up the slack? What kind of contact schedule will she fall into, and how often will she want to see you?


From there you can decide whether her patterns are livable for you. If not, you can either let her know that her definition of a relationship doesn't match with yours and you can try to negotiate seeing one another X more times a week--or you can decide that her priorities will never match yours and you can walk away.

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Feeling as if you're not getting adequate time with your partner is really no different than spending too much time with your partner (aka clinginess) in the sense that both extremes can stifle intimacy. The remedy, as you've readily pointed out, is talking to her. Absolutely you want to be non accusatory and refrain from negativity. You're in a relationship so it should go without saying that communication -- a healthy dialogue -- is vital for it to succeed. Assumptions will only make things worse. Give her the opportunity to openly explain herself free from anger or resentment.


I've always felt taking walks together helps facilitate conversation much easier than the pressure of sitting down staring at each other. Not only will the pressure be lightened by not directly having to maintain constant eye contact, but the fact that you are both moving helps the fluidity of conversation. Hold her hand, gently squeeze it, and tell her that you always enjoy seeing her so much and how much fun you two have together. Segue into how you think it'd be great if you could spend more time together and include some times (e.g., "maybe this weekend we could..."). Let her know that you are interested in increasing the frequency together. Don't mention that she spends more time with her friends. This will only cause her to be defensive and create unnecessary negativity. It could be as simple as obliviousness on her part or perhaps she thinks you're okay with the current arrangement you have. Just keep it positive and nonjudgmental. Don't expect to spend an enormous amount of time together; instead, be reasonable and expect to compromise that allows some middle ground. She should still be able to see her friends (and you see your friends) while at the same be able to spend more quality time with you. See how she reacts when you do this. This is will be very telling. If she's receptive then you should be on the same page and things should hopefully improve; if she's hesitant or resistant then you may have to do some serious thinking if this girl has, or is able to provide, what YOU are looking for in a relationship.

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  • 2 weeks later...

I'm warning you now, coming from a girl...be careful.


A girl and her gal-pals are not easily parted, and she may feel like you're being a tad clingy or needy if you ask her to sacrifice her social priorities.


Although to be fair, you haven't given much info on the subject. Is she out with them every night for hours or just twice a week? Is she super busy with other stuff? How often do you hang out with the boys or do your own thing?


To be honest, the best way to get a lady to want you around is to distance yourself (weird, I know). We women love the chase and if you show it's cool with her having a social life and not always sitting around waiting for her to get back, she'll see this as a sexy trait because you've got your own thing going on. This works 90% of the time with ALL the women I know.


We have to respect each other's needs in order to make a relationship work so it takes both parties to make a compromise sometimes. Give her space and respect her needs to go out with friends and get away from you without getting a guilt trip. After all, they were there first. In turn, she'll be more apt to respond positively if you try to spend more time with her.


Don't outright ask her to spend time with you though, make her WANT to spend time with you. Be interesting and fun and desirable, as if you were trying to win her over for a first date all over again. Don't take her presence for granted. Surprise her with a romantic dinner or movie, take her out dancing to her favourite club, or whatever your style is. Also, get to know her friends better so you can all hang out. Her friends aren't the enemy and they aren't going away anytime soon so you might as well enjoy it.


Whatever you do, don't get jealous and demanding. This will either backfire and push her away eventually or she'll just dump your ass right then. You don't own her and you can't let your insecurities get the better of you by looking for the negative in innocent actions. Hope this helped!

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